my2019journey-blog

[my2019journey-blog]

09/01/2019

It’s been a pretty good year so far. I really wanted this year to be the year I start saying “no” and “fuck you” instead of “yes” all the time.  I also wanted it to be the year that I start to acknowledge the efforts I’ve put in to myself over the years and all the crap I’ve survived, mostly by myself. I decided it was time to proud of myself for my achievements, no matter how small and being proud of the fact that despite everything, I’m still here.  A  few weeks ago, I found out from my grandparents that my uncle had been telling them (and probably the whole damn village) that he’d help me to come out. I don’t know why, but this literally made me furious. Maybe it’s because of all the shit I went through for being gay, maybe it’s just me being stuck up and not wanting to say I had help (which I honestly didn’t), maybe I’m sick of the lies of maybe it’s a combination of all of the above.  Anyway, as 2019 is my “fuck you” year, I decided to send him a message on Facebook to express how much of a dick I thin he is and how he’s not gonna take credit for my efforts. Unfortunately, he’s blocked me on Facebook so I don’t know if/ when he’ll ever see the message. but here it is anyway:  “I’d really love to know how you “helped me come out”. You were literally one of the last people to find out that I’m gay, so how you “helped me”is completly beyond me.  All you did, all you ever did, was complain about your love life or lack of, complain about your lack of money etc and you know what? That’s your fault and your problem. Don’t you dare try and use me to make is seem like you’ve done good with your life when you haven’t.  You have no fucking idea what it’s like to come out, you have no idea the shit I went through for being who I am, to you helped me is an insult to the hell I went through and survived by myself.  You never helped me, you’ve never helped me and how dare you say that you did.” I really do hope that he gets the message, I’m sure at some point he’ll unblock me so that he can tell me how “sorry he is”even though he “doesn’t understand what he did wrong”. I’m not going to let him, or anyone else for that matter, pretend they helped me or “made me a better person” or any other BS.  I did this, me and this is my victory. 

[my2019journey-blog]

05/01/2019

Tonight I’ve decided on a few things. Most importantly, I’ve finally decided what the fuck I’m gonna do with my life.  So, starting in February, I’m going back to school! Due to a number of reasons, I never completed high school, so I’m doing that this year. Finally. It’s been 6 (I think) years since I left school, so studying again is gonna be hard. And I’m working full time too and doing all kinds of annoying and crazy hours.  Which brings me to one of the other things I’ve decided tonight. I’m not going to do night shifts anymore. And by “anymore”, I mean, once I’ve found another job. Currently I work from 6am-6pm and 6pm-6am and man, are these night shifts getting harder and harder. They’re hard on my body, and hard on my life in general. I always have to plan things around my body clock, especially after night shifts where I only have 2 days off. The first day is a complete waste of a day, I spend the morning and early afternoon asleep, just enough to be able to wake up and somewhat function, and then I just sorta bum around until it’s night time so I can sleep again. And the next day, my last day off, I’m tired and have to do things. Whether it’s shopping, actually spending time with my girl, or seeing family or whatever, but it’s exhausting.  And also, it’s getting in the way of seeing my girl. Like this week, she’s on day shifts, I’m on nights, so even though we live together, we see each other for about 4-5 hours all week and it sucks. We can’t go out and do anything together, we can barely chat because one of us is at work and the other is asleep and then it ruins our days off together because at least one of us is asleep all day and it’s just doing my head in.  I’d like to see Rachael a bit more. (well, a lot more, but at this stage I’d be happy with just seeing her for more than an hour).  Also, I’m not a nice person when I’m on night shift. I don’t mean it, I’m just bored and tired and for some reason, that’s a really bad combination for my brain. I mean, not just “I’m tired and grumpy”, I mean like “I’m gonna start a fight with Rachael and try and make her break up with me”bad and I don’t know why but I don’t want to do that anymore. I don’t want to fight and I don’t want to be “that person”.  Anyway, so yeah, I’m gonna study my ass off and actually do something meaningful and worthwhile with my life and I’m going to stop doing these god awful night shifts. It’s been a productive night. 

[my2019journey-blog]

Why I’m doing this, what I’m doing and Why.

The past couple of years I’ve gained weight. A lot of weight. Around 35kg or so. (I hate weighing myself so not 100% sure the exact figure). I’ve also been unhappy for a variety of reasons. I’m not happy with the way I look or feel about myself, I’m not happy in my job and just in general, I’m not happy. I’m young and I should be living life, and I feel like I’m stuck in a hole that’s just getting deeper and deeper. But I’ve decided 2019 will be the year I build myself a ladder and get myself out of this damn hole, ‘cause I’m sure as hell sick of being in it.

There’s a few things I want to achieve this year: 

Lose weight

Get fit

Complete my 7.5km fun run

Smile more

Do a job I enjoy

Travel more

Save money

Spend more time with Rachael

And more than anything else: BE MYSELF AND BE HAPPY

I guess my 2 biggest motivations are my wonderful, loving Fiancee, Rachael and my Grandpa.  Rachael has been an absolute angel to me the past couple of years that we’ve been together and I can’t put into words how much she’s done for me. She makes me smile and laugh, she always knows what to say and when and somehow, she puts up my mood swings. I have no idea how, I get whiplash from my own mood, so why and how she’s stuck around is completely beyond me. It’s time I stop taking her for granted and start being the loving, happy, healthy partner and lover she deserves.  Grandpa, there’s also no words to describe him. However, he was taken from us “officially” just before Christmas last year (2018). I say “officially” because he suffered from vascular dementia for about 4 years and he stopped being the “Grandpa I knew and remembered” a few years ago. Grandpa lived his life to the full every single day until he could no longer. Everyday he’d be riding his bike for miles, tending the garden and growing vegetables or helping out the local church and community. He always used to run around the back yard with us, play catch, swing ball and frisbee. I swear he never sat down!  Which brings me on to the Memory Walk/Jog I’m participating in in May 2019. It’s a walk/jog organised to raise much needed funds for Dementia, not only for trying to find a cure but for awareness and help for the careers and loved ones of Dementia sufferers. I’m completing a 7.5km run which is honestly the most daunting thing I’ve ever done. I’m at last 30kg overweight right now and I’ve never ran that far in my life. But, for Grandpa, and other Dementia sufferers, I’m going to do it.  So that brings me to now. Yesterday I ran 500m without stopping and oh my god, I thought I was going to die. I thought my heart and lungs were going to fall out of my chest and I couldn’t breathe, but I did it. I’m starting to go for walks more often, and will build up to running more too. I’m eating healthy and losing weight so hopefully, I’ll be able to do it. I have 5 months to lose the weight and train and I’ll do whatever it takes to get over that finish line because my Grandpa never gave up, and I won’t either.  I’m not 100% sure what I want to achieve from this blog, or how often I’ll write. I lose motivation easily and quickly and sink back into my hole a lot so I want to start recording my good days, my happy memories and things I’ve achieved, no matter how small they are. I want something to read and remember when I get stuck and feel hopeless, so hopefully, this will do just that.  This year, I mean it when I say “This year will be my year” even if it bloody kills me.