mybpddiary

[mybpddiary]

Lately, I've had this overwhelming feeling to self sabotage, to self harm. I've been a little confused on how to manage these feelings without putting myself in any danger, but here is how i've managed to cope;

Changed My Appearance!

I considered many thing, shaving my head, my eyebrows but those were big commitments. So! I booked myself an appointment for a new piercing, I guess technically it's self harm but i've wanted these piercings for months. I also dyed my hair. My boyfriend and I now have matching blue hair!

Distraction!

Distraction isnt always my best friend because it can quickly lead to unhealthy hyper-fixating but spending and hour or two playing video games tends to help the urges pass, I do my make up and my art. (Side note; I find my art when I'm emotionally charged tends to be alot more "me") but at the end of the day I've found doing things I enjoy tends to remove and will to self harm.

I'll be honest, not all of my methods are healthy, que the next one;

Fighting

In no way do I suggest you do this, I find this page as an outlet and it holds my raw and honest emotions. I've messaged a friend and we've planned a day to just beat the living shit out of each other. Though considering my size i'll probably take the most hits. It's an outlet for our anger, and as a masochist I dont really mind. We have rules in place and are bringing a first aid kit just in case. It's a very controlled environment and again, I do not suggest anyone do this.

So!

Inconclusión, There are ways around self harm, both healthy and unhealthy, look around and see what works for you. Highly recommend healthy options. At the end of the day they'll get you closer to healing and mentally growing into an emotionally healthy person.

[mybpddiary]

One of the things I find interesting about my personality disorder is how it translates music.

The other day, I was listening to a kinda angsty grunge song, I listened to it once and it felt good, so I decided to listen to it again. Then again... and once more because why not. Finding myself at the end of the song screaming and crying on my kitchen floor. If I had just listened once or skipped the song, I wouldnt have ended up spiralling. The rest of my day after that was horrible and I couldnt see past my depressive fog. This happens sometimes.

Thank you for listening, friends.

- Kodi

[mybpddiary]

Hi! My name is Kodi, I'm 17, Trans ftm and would love to share my life with you, random strangers on the internet. I'm gonna start with my love life LMAO.

My current partner and I are both autistic and have bpd, sounds like a difficult time, constantly misreading tones, taking things personally. We've been friends for over a year and have had crushes on and off from each other but only recently decided it was worth giving a relationship a go! Before we dove head first, we both spoke about our boundaries, our triggers (though we're still learning) and things along those lines. We spoke to our therapists about this and are both in DBT therapy, so we both have high hopes and want it to work. We started off by going on dates together for two months, cuddling, playing mario kart and uno and just spending time together to see how we work. Turns out, we work insanely well together, we're so different but so similar.

I have ran into a problem though. Three months of us on "trial"(?) doing our fun little dates and our hypotheticals about being in a relationship and I've noticed I'm beginning to fall in love with this person. I can't figure out if it's my BPD's unhealthy attachment styles of if I actually feel this way. I love how they stim and inspire me to express and be myself. I love their smile and their company. I know they don't feel the same yet, and love is such a scary and complicated thing. The last person I fell in love with ((I was 13 he was 17. I was definitely groomed.)) took so much advantage of me, it's causing my insecurities about that relationship to reflect onto my current one. I'm having nightmares about my current partner being just like my last one. I know it's unrealistic thinking, because the whole time i've know my partner it's been nothing but healthy interactions.

That's all for now :)

- Kodi signing out