mycorner2k19universe - Tumblr blog

mycorner2k19universe · 2 months ago

Text

It's Not Home, But It'll Do Chapter 4

Part 1, part 2, part 3

Read here on ao3 or below

Maddie’s labour went both smoothly and quickly. It was just past one o’clock when the 118’s group chat pinged with a new message – Chim announcing the safe arrival of Baby Boy Han. He told them all that Maddie would be able to visitors by 5 (although he sent Buck a separate text telling him to arrive half an hour earlier so they could keep their promise of Jee being the first to see her new brother). So, at 4:30 on the dot, Buck was leading his niece by one hand into Madde’s hospital room, a stuffed lion in the other and big smile on his face.

“Look who it is,” he announced softly, letting go of Jee’s hand and gently guiding her to her mother’s bed where Maddie sat with a bundle in her arms.

“Hi sweetie!” Maddie called out, shifting the sleeping newborn in her arms so that he was cradled in the crook of her left arm so that she could reach out with her right for her daughter.

Placing his hands under her arms, Buck gently lifted Jee up onto the bed, where she immediately curled into Maddie’s side and looked down at her new brother.

“Is this him?” Jee whispered, her eyes locked onto the tiny face before her.

“This is him,” Maddie confirmed, wrapping her arm around the little girl’s shoulders. She looked up and met Buck’s eyes, as she spoke to both. “I’d like you to both meet Robert.”

Buck’s eyes widened, and his body jerked involuntarily in shock. “Ro- Robert?”

“Robert Nash Han,” Chim piped up from the other side of Maddie’s bed, his hand resting gently on the top of his son’s head. “Considering Bobby sacrificed his life so that I could be here to see this little one come into this world, I figured it was the least I could do to honour his memory.”

Buck’s eyes shifted from Chimney to his new nephew. Jee was leaning over, one of her hands resting gently on the blankets her brother was swaddled in, stroking gently, clearly enamoured with the newest addition to their family. Buck felt an ache inside him with feelings that he couldn’t quite describe – joy at seeing this beautiful sight before him mixed with unassailable grief at the fact that this little boy’s namesake couldn’t be here to meet him.

“What do you think?”

When Buck raised his eyes to meet his sister’s, he saw that Maddie’s eyes were filled with concern, and he gave a small smile in reassurance.

“I think it’s a great name.”

Maddie sighed in relief, and Buck realised that his thoughts on the name had clearly held great importance to Maddie, and for a moment he wondered what they would have done if he had said that he didn’t like it – would they have changed it? While Buck was flattered that his thoughts carried so much weight, a tiny part of him hated himself and that they had to think of him when it came to something so important as naming their own child. He felt shame curl up within him at these thoughts – this was a day of celebration for Maddie and Chim, he didn’t want things to be made about himself.

“Do you want to hold him?”

Maddie’s soft voice broke Buck out of his internal spiralling, and he smiled brightly when he finally registered what his sister had asked him. “Can I?”

At his sister’s nod, Buck leaned down and gently slipped his hands under the tiny body before lifting and cradling it close to his chest. Looking down into that little face, Robert’s eyes flickered before slowly opening, his mouth opening in a big yawn.

“Hey there little guy, I’m your Uncle Buck,” Buck whispered, bringing one of his fingers up for Robert’s hand to latch onto, and he marvelled at how tiny those fingers looked wrapped around one of his. He’d seen and carried babies before through the job, babies tinier than the one in his arms right now, but there was something different about this. He hadn’t had the chance to hold Jee when she was first born – due to the pandemic, she was nearly two months old by the time he was allowed to cuddle his niece, so he was enthralled by the chance to hold his nephew so early in his life. “He’s amazing guys. He really is.”

“What can I say, there’s something about the combined Buckley and Han genes that make gorgeous babies,” Chim quipped.

“I can’t disagree with that,” Buck agreed, unable to take his eyes off the little bundle in his arms.

He and Jee got to have an uninterrupted half an hour admiring the new addition to the family before the first of the 118 showed up.

“Oh my goodness, look at him!” Hen cooed, as she walked in, Karen and the kids hot on her heels.

“He’s so tiny,” Mara murmured, creeping towards the bed to where Jee lay sprawled next to her mother.

Not long afterwards, Eddi and Ravi arrived, Ravi carrying a large bundle of blue and silver balloons and barely two minutes had passed before May and Harry walked through the door.

“Where’s Athena?” Chim asked when he saw the two Grant children without their mother.

“She’s on her way,” May said. “She said she’d meet us here.”

Despite the number of people crammed into the small hospital room, there was a hush in the air, no one wanting to disturb the baby that slept peacefully in his mother’s arms.

Buck turned to face the door when he heard footsteps approaching and smiled when Athena finally walked into the room. He felt a warmth bloom within him as Chim scooped up his son and presented him to her, revealing to her how they had decided to honour Bobby’s memory by passing on his name, and he felt a sense of relief when he saw Athena’s smile of acceptance as she looked down at the tiny boy in her arms.

“Hi Bobby,” Athena said to the new baby, and like the flick of a switch, the warm feelings within Buck were doused, like someone had poured ice water into his veins. He hadn’t lied when he had told Maddie and Chim that he thought Robert was a great name for his nephew, but hearing Athena’s words made him realise something – he would never be able to think of his nephew as Bobby. There was only one Bobby, and he was the one figure that was missing from that room.

Suddenly, the room felt far too small, and it was like a vice had clamped around Buck’s pounding heart and was steadily tightening. How had he not noticed how cramped it was in here with all these people before now? Hoping that his distress wasn’t visible, he looked around the room at the faces of the people he loved most in the world and saw that they were all preoccupied with the sight of Athena with little Robert in her arms. Licking his suddenly dry lips he realised that he needed to get out of that room – now.

“I’m just going to get a coffee – anyone want anything?” he asked, hoping like hell that his voice sounded calmer than he felt.

“Oh God, yes please,” Maddie sighed, and Buck took the opportunity to slip out of the room quickly. He started to head towards the cafeteria before diverting when he saw the nearest bathroom. Rushing to the sink, he gripped the counter as if it was the only thing holding him up as he breathed deeply, trying to get his breathing under control. Turning on the cold water, he splashed his face before finally looking up at his reflection in the mirror.

His face looked pale and haunted. He felt haunted – like his whole body was hollow, his skin the only thing keeping him together. And he hated it. This was supposed to be a happy occasion, the birth of his nephew, and here he was making it all about him again. Who was he to deny his nephew having that nickname? Bobby was Athena’s husband, and if she was fine with calling Robert Bobby, who was he to disagree? Maybe Eddie was right – he was selfish, and here was the proof.

Grabbing a few paper towels from the dispenser, he scrubbed angrily at his face, trying to instil some colour back into his cheeks. Taking a few more deep breaths, he straightened his back and his resolve – whether he liked it or not, this was his sister’s child, and he would not make a scene. If he had to, he would plaster on a smile every time someone referred to him as Bobby. Maybe if he acted like it didn’t bother him for long enough, one day it would eventually be true. Throwing the towels into the nearby bin, he exited the bathroom and made his way quickly to the cafeteria – he didn’t want to be too long and risk having Maddie send someone out to look for him before he could fully pull himself together.

Thankfully, he seemed to have done a good enough job at putting on the mask of being fine as no one seemed to give him more than a passing glance when he came back into the room. Maddie accepted her coffee with a relieved sigh, her face relaxing in bliss as the caffeine entered her system.

Buck smiled and chatted with everyone in the room, a heavy ball of guilt wallowing in the pit of his stomach the whole time, not only over Robert’s nickname but the fact that not a single soul in this room knew that within a few days he would be working out at Harbour. But he was going to live with that guilt at that moment, even if it was eating him alive – Maddie never got to experience this joy with Jee due to the pandemic, the joy of being surrounded with all the people you love after the birth of your child, so there was no way in hell he was going to spoil this moment for his sister by announcing his transfer now, even if it would be the easiest option, seeing as everyone he needed to tell were in the same room.

As the minutes ticked by, one by one, with plenty of hugs and kisses, everyone left until it was just Buck and Jee alone in the room with the remainder of the Han family. Jee was curled up asleep next to her mother, the excitement of the day finally taking its toll.

“I think it’s time we left you guys alone,” Buck said quietly. “Looks like someone needs her bed.”

“Yeah,” Maddie said reluctantly, running her fingers through Jee’s hair.

“I’ll take her to your car,” Chimney offered, walking around the bed to scoop up his daughter. “Hey Buck, would you mind grabbing some of the gifts to take home with you? Gives us less stuff to bring home when we check out tomorrow.”

“Sure thing,” Buck said, and proceeded to gather as many things as possible in his arms before giving Maddie and Robert parting kisses on the tops of their heads.

When the three of them reached the carpark and Buck’s car, Buck opened the door for Chimney, and while Chim worked to get Jee into her car seat without waking her, Buck went and placed the gifts he was carrying into the passenger seat. The two men closed their doors as softly as they could to try and avoid waking the sleeping child before turning to face one another.

“Thanks for doing this Buck. You sure you’re okay with watching her for the night? Like I said, the Lee’s are on standby and perfectly happy to take her.”

“Nah, it’s fine, you know I love spending time with Jee. And besides, consider it repayment for me mooching on your couch this past week.”

“Well, when you put it that way…” Chim teased, and the pair grinned at each other. “Oh hey, what was it you wanted to talk to me about?”

Buck’s brow furrowed at the sudden change of topic. “Talk to you?”

“Yeah, earlier this morning, before Maddie walked in ready to pop out a baby. You said you wanted to talk – something work related?”

“Oh,” Buck said, kicking himself for having forgotten that he had started the conversation that morning. It had been a long day. He plastered on a fake smile. “It’s nothing, don’t worry about it.”

“I don’t know, it seemed pretty important this morning. Come on Buckaroo, spill.”

Buck squirmed – now that the moment was here, he didn’t want to say anything. Not while Chim was so happy right after the birth of his son. “Let’s not worry about it okay, you just had your son…”

“Buck. Just tell me. If you don’t, you’ll only make me worried – something is clearly up.”

“I…” Taking a deep breath, Buck finally ploughed ahead with what he needed to say. “I’m transferring out of the 118.”

Chim stepped back as if he had been struck. “You’re transferring? I thought you weren’t going to do that anymore?”

“I never said that,” Buck said gently. “And I never withdrew my request. I got a call from the Fire Chief a week ago saying that there was a place for me at the 217 and I decided to take it. I’ve been trying to figure out how to tell you ever since.”

“The 217?” Chim clarified. “This doesn’t have anything to do with Tommy, does it?”

“No, it’s got nothing to do with Tommy. I mean, I did talk to him about it once I got the offer because I wanted to make sure he was comfortable with it, but he’s not the reason why I’m leaving.”

“Then why?” Chim asked, trying to understand. “Because of Bobby? How is moving away from the 118 going to help you? You’ll still be dealing with your grief, but this time you’ll be dealing with it alone.”

“No offence Chim, but I already am dealing with it alone.” At Chim’s startled look, Buck forged ahead with the thoughts that had been plaguing him for weeks. “Look, everyone all has someone they can lean on. You have Maddie and the kids, Hen has Karen and her kids, Eddie has Chris. Who do I have? I have no one besides you guys and… and I feel like I don’t even have that. At work… I’ve been trying to keep it together, because that’s what Bobby wanted, for me to be there for you guys. And I’ve tried, I’ve done my best to make sure everyone is okay. But no one has done the same for me. And I get it, you’re all grieving and trying to work through things in your own way, but I’m grieving too, and no one seems to care.”

“We do care Buck,” Chim said gently.

“Then why has no one talked to me about it? Asked me how I am? People seem perfectly happy to talk about me but not to me.” Buck felt tears well up in his eyes. “I am struggling, and it’s like no one has noticed, or if they have it’s like it doesn’t matter – like I don’t matter. The 118 has always been a family to me, but lately I have felt so completely, utterly alone.”

“Oh Buck,” Chim sighed. “Why didn’t you say anything?”

“I didn’t want to be selfish. Make it all about myself.”

“We would never think that. We all know how close you were with Bobby, why would you think that we would ever say that?”

Buck bit his tongue and glanced away, back towards the hospital and Chim frowned.

“Did someone say that?”

Buck shook his head. “It doesn’t matter. The transfer has gone through, and my next shift will be my last shift.” Buck turned back to face his brother-in-law, and he felt guilt bubble up inside him once again. “I am sorry that you won’t be there for my last shift Chim. And I do hope that you make Captain – I wish I could be there to see it, because I do think you’d make a good one. But I need a change. I need… I don’t know what I need exactly. But I hope that trying something new will help me find it.”

Chim nodded slowly. Shoving his hands in his pockets, he turned and rested his back against the car door. “I get that. And I can’t judge you for it, not when all of us at some point has thought of or really did leave the 118 when we felt we needed it. I did it to go after Maddie, Eddie left to go to Texas and Hen was going to leave us to become a doctor. I guess… I just remember the whole lawsuit, where you fought tooth and nail to stay with us that I guess I just assumed that you would always be here.” Chim stared intently at Buck. “If you feel you need to move on, I’m not going to blame you for you doing what you need to do. I’m just sorry that we ever made you feel like this was something you had to do. We should have been there for you.” He raised a hand to cut off the objections that Buck was about to make. “We have no excuses. Yes, we were grieving, but so were you and like you said, you made the effort to look after us. You literally talked me off the edge, and I hate that I haven’t been there to do the same to you.”

Chim pushed himself off from the car and faced Buck directly. “Just know one thing Buck – you will always be family. No matter where you go, you will always be my brother-in-law – you’re the brother of the woman I love and the favourite uncle to my kids.”

Buck’s lips turned up at the corners. “Favourite huh?”

Chim grinned. “Don’t tell Albert I said that.” His smile dropped and his expression turned sincere. “But seriously, there will always be a seat for you at our table, okay? And even after you’ve gone to the 217 and you’ve finally found a place to live of your own, doesn’t mean you get to be a stranger. Got it?”

“Got it,” Buck replied with a soft smile. “Thanks, Chim.”

“Come here,” Chim said, opening his arms, and the pair embraced.

“Now you get back in there with your wife and son before Maddie starts to wonder where you’ve disappeared to,” Buck said as they parted. “And I’ll get this little one home.”

Chim glanced through the car window at his sleeping daughter with a softness that Buck only ever saw on Chim’s face when around his family and like always, he felt honoured to witness this side of Chimney. “Okay. I’ll see you both tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow. Bye Chim, give Robert a kiss from me.”

“Will do,” Chim said, and with a wave, heading back towards the hospital doors while Buck climbed into his car and headed back to his temporary home.

tagging: @dreamforrest (sorry, I just realised I forgot to tag you when I posted chapter 3!) If anyone else wants tagging when I update, let me know 😊

59 notes · View notes