mydairyontheinternet

[mydairyontheinternet]

You won’t be able to heal your childhood trauma by meeting people like your parents and having them love you and change for you. People with habits like the ones who hurt you are not the people that should be in your life. You’re grown and can pick and choose what is acceptable in your life. If those habits or traits hurt you then they aren’t acceptable. Pick someone who would never make you feel that way

[mydairyontheinternet]

In this world you can only count on yourself

[mydairyontheinternet]

I should’ve cared for you more, I should’ve cared for me more. I should’ve been there for us when I needed to be. You didn’t deserve to not live a life that was given to you. I’m so sorry your father was a piece of shit. I’m so sorry he hurt us. I’m so sorry he wasn’t there for us when you leaving. I’m so sorry you aren’t still here.

[mydairyontheinternet]

Who needs self-esteem anyway? I hate myself to make you stay Push me away, I'll be right here With open arms

[mydairyontheinternet]

I’m so alone in this person’s company and the worst part is they don’t even see it… they’re losing me right in front of their eyes and they don’t care. We’re supposed to be friends and yet I’m always in the back burner. They never change but why would they? I’m a sure thing a sad sure thing. Do I hate myself this much ?

[mydairyontheinternet]

I feel so alone, no one can understand what I’m going through and why I react the way i do or why I want to keep myself in situations like this. I just wish I had someone to talk to. I can’t wrap my head around how this much pain can happen in these short amount of months or how different of a person I am now compared to spring

[mydairyontheinternet]

May have lost my mind. No one noticed.

[mydairyontheinternet]

Maybe we were never meant to be together but yet we found our way there. Everyone wants me to hate you for the pain you’ve caused me but I could never hate you because I know deep down in there there’s just someone who never felt truly loved without condition and just doesn’t know how to cherish it. You break my heart bc I can’t fix yours

[mydairyontheinternet]

I’m so sorry

I’m so sorry I didn’t stand up for you when you needed me to because you didn’t have the voice to stand up for yourself. I hate myself everyday since I’ve left that clinic. Nothing can fill the empty space that has been created in my heart since you’ve been gone. I wish and pray I can take it all back but it’s unrealistic. I prayed for God to let me keep you after a horrible mistake but I don’t think he’s going to grant my prayer. I was scared to raise you alone but losing you has left me feeling even more lonely than I ever did before. Everyone thinks it was the best choice but everyone is cruel and hypocritical because they all kept their baby. No one else had to bare this pain and I don’t think anyone else could’ve lived with themselves if they had made my decision. I’m disappointed in myself. I’m constantly replaying new scenarios of how you could’ve came into my life if I’d just let you. Everyone thinks oh you can just move on and you can’t. How am I supposed to just move on from this? Move on from what? Not carrying my baby because the father wasn’t willing to get his shit together therefore he would resent my baby? Move on? What do you mean move on? Move on meaning what? I don’t understand? Because moving on means letting you go. I don’t want to let you go like you didn’t exist. I didn’t realize how much I’d miss you until you were gone. I cry for you everyday I’m sad. But mainly I’m so sorry for failing you. I never thought I’d do this to my baby ever.

[mydairyontheinternet]

I don’t know how to move forward.

The only person I find comfort in is also the same person who broken me down into bits and pieces. While I was forming a baby in my body he was out with a girl… only to be excused with him just not knowing I was pregnant. But that was just never right even if I wasn’t. I find myself alone sobbing from the pain that he couldn’t love me nor his baby enough to change and be better. Not even his own innocent baby but would rather manipulate and coerce me into an abortion. And it hasn’t been easy I cry so often I’m so hurt. I want my baby and I’ll never have them back. I hate him but I hate myself even more for only finding comfort in him when I’m grieving over our child that he wouldn’t be better for.

[mydairyontheinternet]

How can someone treat the mother of their child so ugly and cruel. Always trying to break me down into his submission and his way. He never sees the potential in a life because this life just might ruin his. But it’s not he ruined his a long time ago.

[mydairyontheinternet]

Why must the darkest parts of the world exist?

What did anyone do to deserve this bc one person couldn’t carry the burden of their own sorrows? Children who will never be able to experience anything, some who probably didn’t even know how to read yet. My heart aches for the parents who weren’t able to see their babies grow up, who didn’t get to lay them down to bed one last time, who didn’t get to hear their baby laugh or cry one last time, I have no idea how much they have been through and my heart aches for the children who live with the guilt and the questioning of why they were one of the ones who survived while the others did not

[mydairyontheinternet]

Exclusion

Feeling excluded for choices you’ve made in the past but were they wrong? Seeing them putting you off for respecting yourself

[mydairyontheinternet]

Nothing I do or say is real. It’s all a facade the truth is I don’t really care, I’m not being true to myself. I’m just passing time. I don’t speak on the things that really matter to me because no one cares about the real me. They all just want me to be what they want me to be, no one wants to meet the real me and I’m a person with feelings and thoughts and interests and perspective

[mydairyontheinternet]

If only I were able to see him the way he sees himself maybe then I wouldn’t be so in love with him. If only I was able to see his flaws maybe I wouldn’t be such an easy target for him

[mydairyontheinternet]

The watcher… he’s silent as the night, cool as the wind but yet his presence is still felt. Eating me alive I can feel his energy observing me but not taking any action… what is this spiritual connection we harvest and yet in its ripe form he chooses to leave it in the garden to rot? What is he afraid of? Is he scared to love it so much that if it’s gone he’s worried he won’t get another like it again? or is it that he just can’t see the value in something he’s never tried before?

[mydairyontheinternet]

Getting older

Losing the vibrant colors I once saw as a child, the excitement of watching the rain droplets race down the car window is now replaced by the annoyance of having to wash my car. My courage is silenced by my fears and anxieties. My innocent love for life has been beaten by the cruelties of this earth