mygriefcase - Tumblr blog

[mygriefcase]

tormented

I am back to my state of tranquility. I am sustained by the care and affection of souls who are dear to me. But I cannot wield my pen the same anymore. It no longer cuts deep through the paper. Why do I need to slice my heart in two to make my proses sing? Am I not an artist without my pain?

[mygriefcase]

I'm a nameless fairy

I feel like a loser. I've tried and tried and tried. I would say that the failure doesn't bother me anymore but it still stings. When will be my turn?

[mygriefcase]

It never ends. This is perpetual torture. My heart is so heavy and not in a figurative way. I couldn't breathe well. It was a reaction to my mother's violent outburst at the car. I don't feel safe anywhere near her. I can't have a conversation without her erupting like a Coca Cola when you put mint on it. I feel like anytime, she will strangle me and beat me up to death.

We processed my medical examination records yesterday and it was one of the worst days of my life. I just cried and cried to my boyfriend. I'm glad I finally have an outlet whenever I feel silenced or repressed. But being in this house with this dysfunctional family will be the death of me. I sometimes want to end it all to make them feel bad for everything they put me through.

What's even sadder was when my father told me that I was playing the victim while we were left alone in the car. He said that after witnessing how my mother almost ruined my eardrums while I tried to be calm and low-voiced the whole ride a.k.a. terrorization. That made me realize how I don't have anyone on my team in this house.

My sister and I bonded over shared trauma from our mother. I'm envious that she had the guts to break ties with her. I can't do that because I'm still financially dependent on them and it might kill her. As I am writing this, she's in the room looking for something to argue about. I am listening to loud rock music in my headphones so it won't affect my day.

Still, I feel bad for her. I admit I still have a soft spot for my mom. When your parents are violent towards you, you don't really stop loving them. You just stop loving yourself.

[mygriefcase]

Hello

I am left in the house today. My mother is buying me Donkas Kimbap and she brought my dad with her. Before she left, she screamed her lungs out at me and everyone. She knows that we have tenants for neighbors but she just doesn't care.

As I write this, I feel like crying. I can never be numb at this. Before we got here in the province, my mother humiliated me at the airport thrice and I couldn't do anything about it. Good thing I wore a mask and a cap. 22 years and I'm still being treated this way. I have so much rage inside of me that I just want to get out. I feel like those therapy sessions wherein you get to break glass would be beneficial for my mental state.

Perhaps the reason why I can't speak straight is because I never really got to finish my sentences at home. I would always be answered with a spank or a scream. I am so tired of this.

I also learned the hard way that I may not be fit for radio. I tried thrice but failed. This eats up the only confidence left in me. I am so afraid about a lot of things. Not being chosen as CSR, and not being accepted at the company I applied internship for. It's already July 8 and I still haven't got a word from them. I am so scared.

I am writing all my fears and frustrations down because I just want to let these go out of my system. I am so low right now. Everytime I look at myself in the camera and I see my misaligned teeth, I just have a strong urge to fix them. Same with my nose, my hairline, and every discoloration in my body. I hate that I hate myself. I hate that my mother didn't set-up a dentist appointment for me ever. I hate that I am feeling this way about myself. I hate myself. I hate myself so much. I hate that I'm so shallow. I hate that beauty is an asset for women and that I have to try my best to wield it to gain opportunities. I hate that I'm not born rich. I hate that I'm not even genuinely good at anything. I hate that I am talking so lowly of myself.

Perhaps this is good. Perhaps I needed to come to this to start reassessing my values and faith. I know God wouldn't be happy that I am hyperfocusing on worldly things.

I know this yet I still feel sad. This started when I wateched Waves of Life and saw how beautiful the lead actress was. I couldn't help compar emyself although there isn't no competition. Why were there people like her who are just blessed with such a good life? I know I sound like an ungrateful cunt. But I just couldn't help it. Perhaps writing my thoughts down would give me a clearer sense of mind. And so I started this anonymous blog. I just hope this won't ever backfire on me or be used in court as evidence. Damn it. I am so sad.