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myheartbeginstorace · 7 months ago

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S-

Reading your letter I couldn’t help but be reminded of the first time we ever met. I spent just short of a year viewing the day we met as the best day of my life. I was so happy and so proud of you and the members for performing at such a big festival, and getting to have shared sweet time with you all backstage that day filled me with so many joyful memories.

But a year later when your documentary was released I learned your feelings on that day. How you were trapped in a mind prison of stress, how you felt inadequate and out of place, how you went home and cried alone. I looked back on the day in my own memory, trying to piece it all together. We met when you all came back to the artist compound after press. Without even a proper exchanging of names, just a hello and a nod and a wave both ways, we met. I didn’t think too much then of how you stayed inside. While the other members all came outside to join my friends and I for cornhole, chats in the sun, snacks, photos, etc you stayed inside. I took it for shyness, wishing for you to join us, but not wanting to bother. But now knowing that you were suffering just feet from me, for hours, it’s impossible to remember that day the same. I had no idea what you were thinking and experiencing in there. No way of knowing and no way to comfort you or provide words of encouragement, assure you that you were going to be fantastic, offer advice from having been on the stage myself hours before.

I look back on that day and wish I could have done anything, but the reality is, I’m helpless to help you. Whether that day being outside the trailer while you’re inside, or now, in the outside world while you work through the labyrinth of your emotions and exhaustion. It’s painful to accept my limitations even from the privileged proximity to each other’s lives we have. But I couldn’t have walked into your trailer and eased your worries any more effectively than a fan could writing on Weverse. Those who you share your personal life with are those privileged with the power to truly help you. And it’s a blistering reality to face the fact that you can personally impact so many and yet none of us can truly personally impact you. There’s no amount of fan to artist relationship, no matter how sweetly you describe it, that can provide you relief from this. All we can do is assure you that we’ll be here should you choose to return to us and hope those you’re talking to are giving you the care you deserve.

I’ve been so blessed to have gotten to develop a working relationship with you. I like that when we were able to meet at promotions every few months for 2 years, that you generously greeted me and remembered me both there and when you’d see me in the crowd at shows. I don’t overlook the fact I was on the barricade as a fan less than 2 months before our biggest content shoot together, and that you were okay with that, me being both a fan and someone you work with. I don’t take that for granted as it’s a generous show of faith and goodwill to be comfortable with me being in both contexts. It really proves you practice what you preach in terms of fandom and how you yourself exist in both planes as artist and fan.

I’m sad we weren’t able to meet more regularly this year as we have in the past. I look forward to April generously, hoping deeply that you’ve had ample rest and recovery and are ready to meet again by that time. I’ll look forward greatly to our reunion and spend the time in between offering silent prayers of support that your community helps you through this time.

I love you truly as always,

A

#diary

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myheartbeginstorace · 7 months ago

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I’m really fucking busted up right now. It’s just hurting me too much, I have to cut it off and walk away before it continues to just absolutely slaughter me. I truly am devastated, especially because in a way I feel like I did it to myself. I brought all these people together and effectively broke my own friendship group apart. But I deserve better than this. I deserve people who hear that someone has hurt me and stand on business defending me and taking my side without having to tell them. I deserve to not feel excluded and unwanted. I feel like I’m begging for my best friends’ attention and that’s not what best friends do. I wanted them to stand by me and I think I’m having to face the reality that I’m going to have to be the one to walk away from this because it’s hurting me and I can’t get better in the environment that made me sick.

#diary

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