myheartislookingforyoualways

[myheartislookingforyoualways]

these past two years with you have been the best years of my life so far . you and i have come so far together our love has grow and taken many twist and turns . through it all I’ve known that in my heart my heart is always for you forever and a day . you’re my best friend you’re my soulmate my partner and the love of my life you really are a part of me and always will be . there so many moments that I wish I could share the treasures and I do . I keep them in my heart and my mind and I will until the day that I die this moment here such a magical moment - the day that you said yes to me for the rest of our lives .

xx

[myheartislookingforyoualways]

10.29.2021

Dear G,

There’s so much always that I could tell you . There’s so much of my heart that I want to endlessly pour out to you whenever i get back to these letters to you. There is never enough time to write to you all of the things that i could ever possibly say to you . Perhaps i don’t need to , perhaps i won’t try in this lifetime or the next. Because I feel that when i look at you and you catch my eyes you can peer deep into my soul and you know that i will always love you for as long as there are stars in the sky .

Today is the last day of our life together as we were when we first time . Tomorrow will be the first day of the rest of our lives together as I’ve always wanted to be with you. Today I will ask you to marry me. Today I will ask you to always be by my side as you always have been , and if i’m lucky enough , you will be with me until the end of time , or at least our time together . Today i will ask my best friend to share her life with me. Today i will be the luckiest man ever simply because I have been able to get to this part in our lives together. Today I will ask you to marry me . 

We’ve come so far you and I  and i know that with care , love and understanding we can go far in this life and all our lives that we want . I want to be with you forever and a day my love. I’ve always wanted this. I’ve known this from the day that I saw you walk on that patio. I feel like it is becoming more and more our lives and our heaven is just being able to be here in life with you . There was always so much that i wanted for us but for so long it was out of focus , just beyond the horizon. So much that i still need to understand about my addiction . Today I am grateful that we are here in Puerto Escondido and finally our heaven , and our lives are becoming more and more what I always wanted. Everything is coming into focus . I am beyond grateful to have you in my life and I always want to be in yours. I am yours for as long as you want and I hope that is forever and a day .

Make me the happiest man i could ever possibly be and be my wife .

Let me live in this lifetime with my best friend , my partner and my sweet little lover girl. Let me be your husband .

Let’s rise in love and continue to grow together forever.

Let’s live our lives together until we find each other in the next life , and until forever .

xx

[myheartislookingforyoualways]

a magical moment from a magical day my love . walking down this road with you in so many ways more than just the sandy street we found in Puerto Escondido where Fernando dropped us off at. We’ve really come here down this road together and we will continue to walk down this road for as long as my heart beats in my chest for you and for us ; which i hope will be forever . i was so overjoyed after all this time of being able to give you this beautiful flower that you love - veraneras . it is like our life is coming into focus more and more with each and every day . from the time that i saw that beautiful picture of you with these flowers . the picture of you that i love and to now until forever . 

and a day . 

mi amorcito

xx

[myheartislookingforyoualways]

08.31.2021

Dear G,

i’m just sitting here in the car about to go into work again and I’m thinking about how grateful I am that we had these past few days together it’s really just enjoy each other. You know it’s so hard to find the time and be in the moment during the busy day to day life so I’m so grateful we had this little staycation together to reaffirm our commitment and love for each other. It’s really easy to be centred when there is absolutely no stress in life but that’s not realistic life is it? The reality is is that there will always be stress in our lives.

I’m remembering the past two days completely stress-free and full of love and sharing love and being involved with you versus today as i’m sitting in the car before work. Right now I’m really putting my energy out there in the universe to focus and work on myself so that I am able to handle stress in a more effective way and to be able to overcome my feelings of being overwhelmed by the stress of my life. I will just simply open up and talk with you in a open honest loving and nurturing way. Because I know that when i’m my best self I am able to properly and effectively convey my emotions and my needs to you, you’re able to listen to me as my partner. When I’m not my best self and the stresses of my life get me down I get caught up in things are not important. What’s important is that we share our life‘s struggles triumphs together. What’s important is that we both support each other through the difficult times in life, for the times that aren’t easy and the times are tough. What’s important for me personally is to be able to be with you and support you and be your best friend and your lover and express my higher self to you through the stresses and the joys of my life because you are the most cherished part of my life. I want to always be able to stay open with you and to get help from your support for me when I need it and he ask you effectively for help when I’m struggling.

So starting this work week returning from the trip and our staycation I am going to intently focussed on facing the stresses of my life. Not procrastinating, not putting off, not dealing with it in any other way than direct honest and open. I will ask for help from you when I am struggling and I’ll let you know when I’m having a hard time so that we can help each other and I can help you. I’m very excited for all that life has to offer us in the coming year. I’m excited for what we have planned , what we are looking forward to and as well what we don’t know will happen yet . Life with you is full of excitement joy and love. I love you and my life with you . Given all this when we continue work ourselves we can continue to rise in love and i am the most excited for that. I am excited specifically the most to continue to better myself for myself and for you and for us because life has never been better than it ever has now.

I love you .

We got this .

We got everything .

When we have each other .

xx

[myheartislookingforyoualways]

our little beach love nest that we made yesterday. i loved everything about our day yesterday . i loved creating that memory with you and putting those four poles together to make ourselves a little home on our beach with each other where we shared our energy . i love you so much and no matter where we go , i’ll always be home with you.

[myheartislookingforyoualways]

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[myheartislookingforyoualways]

08.28.2021

Dear G,

I’m sitting here in the airport right now about to come back home to you and i’m just contemplating on how far we’ve both come in this time . I’m also really missing you so very much and I am very excited to come home to you . I mish your beautiful face , your pretty voice , your intoxicating smell, your little hand in mine. I miss everything about you . I miss everything about us . I miss us. I’m coming home to us. 

I spent the past few hours just going through photos of us. Every single little photo has such a strong meaning for me . Every little photo is attached to a place to a time to a feeling . I started all the way back with when you came back here for the first time. Seemed like a good place to start. Because starting from them is not just a time but as well a feeling too. Remember how when you just got back in your little orange shirt I snuck behind you at the airport hotel and I surprised you. Remember that first drive back to our new little little love nest? Feels like we’ve come so far. It feels that way because we have, you have , I have , we have together. 

In the past few months since working again we’ve both been putting ourselves through a lot of stress on a day to day basis . Its been really hard for both of us i know my love . I know now , given this trip , I will always want to continue to work on myself . The work , the journey, the path is never ending. I will walk this path with you the entire journey through this life holding your hand. You’re my best friend and your my soulmate . I’m also very proud of us being aware of our strengths, our weaknesses , our areas that need work and working through them all , together.  I know we made commitments to ourselves and to each other before you came , I’m proud that we did achieve some of them.  We’ve come so far my love in our life together. 

Just before i return to you my love on this plane I am reaffirming my commitment to myself , to you and to us. 

You are my best friend.

You are my soulmate.

You are the love of my life.

Lets continue to RISE IN LOVE .

Forever and a Day. 

xx

[myheartislookingforyoualways]

i just realized that the last photo that i posted to here was the first day after you returned from your first home and we were in our new little love nest . the photo of the morning sun shining through the kitchen window . the one with the caption that read : el mas lindo amanecer a tu lado . now as I was sitting here in the airport about to be back home in you ; with you ; by your side ; my home where i belong. all of these little things in our new little love nest . its so perfect how these two precious pictures are perfectly matched with each other both in the way that they are shot and as well the way they currently relate to our lives now and when you first came back . now most importantly how you came back to me the first time and by you coming back to me i was back home . this time by coming back i’m coming back home to my home and coming home to you . 

[myheartislookingforyoualways]

06.01.2021

Dear G,

I remember now the times that we have fallen asleep in each others arms in the past couple of weeks. There was that one time that we both fell asleep at the head of the bed and we both slept for a time holding each others hands . That was such a peaceful moment . I really am at peace the most when i am with you and beside you , right where i belong. There isn’t anything better than being by your side and falling asleep in your arms . I have a deep sense of peace now these days since you’ve been back . Sometimes i am even still amazed at just how much you are my home for me . we both always talk about how we feel so sleepy whenever were together . i just want to cuddle beside you all the time and kiss you and hold you and squeeze you . Falling asleep and waking up holding your hands those two times was something I’ll never forget as long as i live in this life. I really hope that is a long time with you my love . 

The other day you told me that the me you were in love with , the sober me , is finally back . I really felt that . I felt that so much . I do feel like I am back . i’ve never really gone anywhere of course, the in recovery , the recovering addict me is me just as much as the active addict me is me . they’re both a part of me and who i am as a person. i’ve learnt that in my last relapse and now recovery . i am responsible and accountable for who i am as a person . but by that same measure i do feel like doing all this work on myself this time i’m finally starting to really feel like i’m getting back to the me that is free of my service to my addictions . I am now more freerer that ever before to just be exactly who i am and exactly who i love . that is why when you told me that the other day it really hit me and I felt that so much . i love you so much and i am just full of so much gratitude that you are here and you came back . Even today as we were getting ready for doing this day like you always say my love, as i caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror i noticed that there was a visible change in the way that i looked and i liked it . for the first time in a long time i actually didn’t mind seeing myself in that mirror. gone was the tiredness in my eyes, gone was the grey dull skin, gone was the milky eyes . i really felt more alive and myself again and i know that i am feeling that way because of the way that i have been working on myself and working on the change that i want to be. 

I also know that you are a part of that too . i know that you have always told me not to tell you that you saved me . i know that now . i do know that i saved me . i also know that if you hadn’t of left me four months ago like you did i would not have had to look at myself in the cold light of day like i did and i wouldn’t be here today . you did that much for me . and that much that you did was everything i needed to be able to start to change . start to change because i didn’t like who i had become . start to change because i stopped loving myself and i needed to love myself again and start healing . this is like that time . i know that the time i have spent healing myself has had direct and physical benefits. i know that i have been the one to do that work on myself . i also know that you coming back and choosing to come back to us and be committed to us has had a direct and positive influence on me as a person. you literally and actually have phsyically improved me by being back in my life fully . waking up with you and falling alseep with you is like being at home at last . i finally feel like i can really be at peace and continue to do the work on myself and us that is necessary for a happy and joyful life. it all starts with my sobriety thought . i know recently you’ve had some fears that we’ve talked about . fears of my relapse . fears of me relapsing again . i understand now that is a very real fear . its a fear for me too. remember a few weeks ago when that test came out false positive and we only didn’t know until you tried one too? I was just as scared as you were . i truly and more deeply understand your fear now . i understand it now because everything good in my life, including you and us, everything that i have fought for to get back , everything , all just starts with my sobriety. with my sobriety as the first step in my life i can have everything i want. without my sobriety i have nothing . that is really the truth. 

you came back and we did the quarantine this time the way it always should have been. i told you a bunch of times how this is the quarantine we always should have had. i really did feel like this is the time that you should have come back to the first time . we can’t go back my love. i don’t want to ever forgot all the good and all the bad and all the everything in between when it comes to me and to us. it is us . it is our story . it is u n me . but i am here in the now with you and looking towards the future with you with so much excitement and hope . i know that there is still so much work to do and there always will be . but that is just the way that life is. i am here for it all . i am here for us . i am here for you. 

I love you my meowsita

forever and a meow meow

you are my person

i belong to you

[myheartislookingforyoualways]

some moments i could just live in forever . some moments i could just pause time and be home in that moment . in that moment with u i would make a home and we would be happy living together in all of eternity . together in our moments we find home in each other . in those moments i know that i am only ever home with you enjoying the moments that i wish could just live on forever . but we can’t live in moments forever so i just cherish them as they come and pass . at the end of all these moments we have that we call life i will hope to be able to remember all these moments with you that i never wanted to end . i hope to be able to relive each and every moment with you . for all of eternity . this is one such moment and i hope to be able to live it with you . forever and into eternity . 

[myheartislookingforyoualways]

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[myheartislookingforyoualways]

05.18.2021

Dear G,

It happened. You’re finally back fully . I mean fully because we were together in our souls the whole time you were away . I’m writing to you now in our old place while you’re at our new place and I’m just feeling grateful for the placae we are both at now in our lives. After all of thing things that we went through together we are really here and are fully with each other again . Mind, body , spirit and soul . It really is such a blessing to be able to simply hold you in my arms, picking you up so your feet are dangling and telling you i love you . Looking in those big beautiful brown eyes of yours as i tell you i love you .

Picking you up from the quarantine hotel three days ago now as i hid around that corner because i wanted to sneak up behind you and surprise you i caught a glimpse of you before you even saw me . i saw you first and i had butterflies in my stomach like i do every single time and i always will . You looked so perfect in your yellow bodysuit with the straps and your skintight blue jeans. I just looked at you in complete anticipation for what seemed like forever. Honestly it was probably just a few seconds but it was so perfect just looking at you moments before we were reunited that i could have stayed there in that moment forever. 

We had two beautiful days until i was with my kids and it honestly felt like we were just right back to where we our in terms of our familiarity . It feels like we’ve known each other forever because we have . You are my soulmate. It also felt different too and we both felt that . It felt more peaceful , more secure. It felt exactly like being back home . We both felt that . I know that a few days ago you were scared about that too and at first you didn’t want to tell me out of fear for what that meant . Out of fear for it being different . Out of fear of change . But you did tell me . Of all the beautiful places to tell me your innermost feeling and fears you shared with me while we were both in the bathtub naked with each other . How fitting was it that as you were sharing your fears of our love changing we were sharing we were only having the second bath we ever had in our entire relationship and it was completely different than our first bath . We both know our first bath and thats a bath i never want to have with you ever again . Not that I didn’t love and cherish that memory with you for alot of reasons, mostly because I love you endlessly , but because i’m not that person anymore and i don’t want to go back there for myself and for us. So yesh , having that peaceful , loving little bubble bath with you a few days sharing in our love in a safe, secure and sober beautiful moment was the definition for us of change . The reason that we could have had that beautiful little moment is exactly because we both have changed. I remember a time long long ago when you told me that you thought we were past the honeymoon phase and I was just unable to deal with that and I desperately had to convince you otherwise . Now when i think of that moment that was such an insecure moment for me. I think of how now as we talk about change and our fears of change we are able to be able to express them to each other without fears of them manifesting but as a way to strengthen our love and commitment to each other . My love for you is endless and that is the foundation for where i begin to bring myself to our relationship . As we talked further and further in the bath more and more about it we both were able to remind each other of our commitment to ourselves and each other . We were both able to remember for all the highs that we had in our earlier way of expressing love to we also had really low lows. Lows that I never want to revisit. So yesh , my love , our love and our way of expressing love has changed 

Of course I’m not perfect. Far from it . I still have my insecure , anxious moments. Moments where i feel like i desperately need validation . Moments where for whatever reason , usually being tired , mentally or physically , my mind slips into an earlier insecure way of relating to love and expressing it to you . Last night was one of those times . It was late and i knew I was tired . Had a beautiful two days with you my love and then a beautiful afternoon with my kids . But i was tired and i knew it . As I get tired i’ve noticed now that my insecure attachment starts to express itself more in my actions . Makes alot of sense because I’ve learnt now that most of our poor judgements thoughts and feelings occur when we’re either hungry , angry , lonely or tired. Last night was the exact same . Now that I think of it , in the past when i’ve been really insecure and been unable to stop the spiralling that I used to have i would always choose actions based upon that insecure self and they would always result in a fight somehow . It would always lead to that. Then after I would feel so guilty and so sorry and beg and plead you for forgiveness. At my worst i would call you endlessly which I believe would trigger your avoidant attachment. Nowadays I have more of a senses of self awareness and have tools to be able to recognize when i am beginning to get to that place . Its so simple but it is powerful to be able to ask myself if I’m hungry or angry or lonely or tired? Something i learnt in rehab . Most of our poor choices are made as a result or have something to do with our mind / body connection being in any one of those states, or several , or all of them . in a rehab setting where i learned this it applies to relapse moments but honestly as I know now it can apply to earlier ways of acting and being . So now as I have these I just question myself and i just ask myself what i need to do to be able to self care and get back to a centered place of love for myself and my expression of love. Honestly its so simply but so powerful . I think now of all the moments where i could have simply asked myself those questions and based my self-care on that . Now i am grateful that i can think of all the upcoming moments where I will use those tools to simply be kind to myself , give myself the self care i need so that i can express my love to myself and to you at its highest level . Yes of course I am not perfect and I’m not ever going to try anymore, but i do recognize my limitations and when i need to self care and heal myself . Sometimes its really just as simple yet powerful as having a good nights sleep knowing that all things, including feelings , no matter how uncomfortable or scary , will pass and i will be able to recenter back to the self that i am working on becoming . A secure self. 

I am always working on centering myself .

I recognize that am not perfect and have limitations.

I know that my limitations don’t hold me back they allow me to be most me.

I always will work on being able to love myself and express that love to you from my most secure and highest part of me but if I don’t at times thats also ok because i know i will again and i love myself .

Also I love you

Also also I love you forever and a meow meow my meowsita

~Meowsito

[myheartislookingforyoualways]

all the little things in spanish that i wrote to you  over all the time that we were apart . all the little notes that i translated and copied for you and put onto this wall as an affirmation . some of these things i even just asked you for you to translate . of all of these my favorite one still is the one that you wrote me in the book . te amo y siempre te amare . every single one these i mean from from soul and they all start with that one mi amor . 

[myheartislookingforyoualways]

05.14.2021

Dear G,

On this day of all days you are coming back and we are coming back home to each other . This day is so monumental for so many reasons. This day three months ago was the absolute rock bottom moment for you . My rock bottom came a few weeks later . From this absolute rock bottom of both of ours lives we are here now by the grace and will of this life , of this universe , of the creator. I’m not here right now to go on and on about all the dark places that we both came from because we both know them all too well. For both ourselves and for each other . We know enough to both know that we don’t want to go back there, seperately and together . I’m not here either to talk to you about all the future beautiful sunrises , sunsets , days and nights that i hope and dream for us. We both again dream these same dreams together and we both know in our bodies, our hearts and our minds this is the journey, the path that we both want to take in our life. 

No my love, my beautiful love, I am simply here today to express my absolute gratitude, joy, faith and hope that i have for us today on this day that you are coming back to us . Right now you are in a plane and I can feel you getting closer to me with every minute that passes. I am beyond overjoyed at the thought of this moment that I a few months ago didn’t even think was possible for so many reasons, too many reasons . There were too too many . But there was always in my hands, my mind and my heart my love . That love had to readjust it had to spiritually shift . I really had to love myself and then flow from that . I had to recenter myself spiritually in so many ways. The work is still here and it will never stop . We both know that my love . But the love that was there all along , the endless love is the love that i share with you . Express to you . That was the love that was the most true and honest and free from the tarnish of this world . I really know that you are my soulmate and I really just had to be able to love myself , which is still a journey that i am still on, to be able to love freely and endlessly and from my spirit. I love you G. I am again so full of excitement and hope and commitment to you to us and to our relationship. 

I have spent the past few days going thru old photos , old tweets, old VSCO photos , old Tumblr posts of us . U n Me . The one thing that i always feel when I look and read each of these is just love and gratitude these days.  I am here for you and for us and I am so ready to continue to rise in love with you. I cannot wait to be able to share with you my everything. You coming back to me but I am also coming home to you after all this time . I’m so happy after all my cries to the moon, after all my prayers to the Creator , after all my mornings nights , I can finally come back home . I am never going to leave again . I am finally back home. I love you . Forever and Day. Lets live our life together again . Lets live all our lives together forever again and again again until the end of time. If there ever is one . Our story will be just as long . I love you. 

Openness.

Honesty. 

Intimacy. 

Healthy Love .

Rising in My Love My Love.

[myheartislookingforyoualways]

luna y mar . yesterday we got a little closer to each other when you came to the capitol. today you getting alot closer . right now you’re on an airplane to atlanta . after atlanta you’re going to be on a plane back here .we’ve been getting closer back to each other now for the past month. every day we’ve been getting closer to each other with every second of each day . you took this picture and sent it to me in the airport just before you hopped on the plane . luna y mar

[myheartislookingforyoualways]

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[myheartislookingforyoualways]

05.12.2021

Dear G,

It is so close now to you being back in my arms and me being back home . I’m so excited and i’ve just been walking around buzzing for the past few days . There has been so much that has led up to this point. You know its funny we always message each other just at the same time we thinking about each other . I didn’t really sleep alot last night I was going through so many thoughts in my head about you coming back and excitement is building up even in my body ody ody . I just can’t wait for you to be back in my arms. I can’t wait for us to be able to do all the things physically that we do to each other , with each other , and for each other . You know what though? During this time physically apart I’ve never felt ever more closer to you than ever . We’ve both been able to start working on ourselves like we always should and always will . When we starting talking again there was just so much gratitude and joy in being able to be back in your life again . Even though in my mind , heart and body we always were together . 

Being able to connect with you on an even deeper level in this past month has been everything to me . It hasn’t always been comfortable or easy . Growth and change never really is . Yes we’ve had our fights, yes we’ve had our disagreements , yes we’ve both had regressions to our earlier insecure selves but that is all cherished . Its all apart of the the growth, acceptance and love . The willingness of myself to let growth be whatever it needs to be not what i think it should and the willingness to let you express and llive your growth whatever way you need to . Acceptance of where we are right now in our lives , both as individuals and as partners in this relationship and in our life together . Acceptance of myself and who I am with all my strengths and weaknesses. Acceptance of where we came, where we are now and where in my heart i want us to go . Love. A huge one . Love . Just going to to say it again . Love. You know you always used to tell me I have to love myself first . i never really fully understood that until i just did . I just took a leap of faith on myself . Gave myself the love i always was looking for . You were right . So many times i’m always astounded at how emotionally mature you are ; much more so than me i think in those same times. i’m working on it though. Loving endlessly and loving you exactly as you are is an expression of my love and that begins with loving myself. 

With all those things that we’ve both brought to each other with ourselves we’ve been reaffirming every time in the past month our commitment to ourselves, to each other  and to our relationship . So today i am so excited to continue to rise in love with you my love . Yes there will be successes ,sweet moments, tender times. Yes there will also be struggles, arguments , disagreements.  When these occasions happen both good and bad we simply keep expressing to each other in the way we have in the past month and reaffirm our commitment to ourselves  

I Love You.

I’m Committed to us.

I am So Excited

Lets Continue and Always Rise in Love .

My LOVE!