myhell-blog - Tumblr blog

[myhell-blog]

Mis ultimos dias estan siendo realmente tormentosos

[myhell-blog]

today was one of the worst days of my life. I can't assimilate it yet, I can't believe this is happening to me. I went out to smoke weed with an acquaintance, damn we took the bus, far from home, to a desolate place, perfect for smoking. That idiot started to insinuate himself and at one point I felt bad for rejecting him in every possible way. Damn, he really didn't understand that he was bothering me a lot, I tried to get us to leave the field to take the bus back home, and he kept insisting, he looked at me like a fool even though I asked him not to do it because I was so uncomfortable, fuck the bus it took like 40 minutes, I was really pissed off and I was walking away from him because he was chasing me wherever I went, I was really afraid, he was behaving horrible, when I took the bus I told him I don't want to Let him follow me, when I was paying for the bus ticket, him, that disgusting being who just ruined my life even more than it already is. I touch my buttocks 😭😭😭😭😭😭 people looked, they all looked and I did not know how to react, I just ran at the end of the hundreds to cry, I have no one to calm my pain. everything sucks. a new trauma for me. one more reason to end my life. I really can't stand my life anymore.

[myhell-blog]

Back to destruction, there's so much to say, but I'm so high right now. I feel so sad

[myhell-blog]

but they don't understand they never understand shit it's hell, i can't even stand up i'm so tired of all this hell

[myhell-blog]

Hi? I don't even remember how long ago I stopped writing here, I was supposed to be in the process of recovery, trying to eat healthy and blah blah blah, I was so foolish to believe that I could get out of hell alone, things seemed to improve, I stopped drugs a time and everything felt better, I was being nice to myself so I could escape my eating disorder, but fuck it, nothing worked, my family makes me so miserable which causes me to go back to drugs to forget the pain, which in turn it causes imbalance in my emotions and makes me binge on food, my refuge is food, when I'm sad all I do is eat, fuck, shit, I hate all this, I hate all this, hell is still intact and I'm so tired but I can't sleep, it's shit, the year is ending and I didn't get to lose any weight, since I started this shit in February, I feel so disappointed, I can't stand this shit anymore, so I came back here, to vent

[myhell-blog]

It hurts me that my mother doesn't love me

[myhell-blog]

Jodeeeer acabo de perder a la unica persona del puto mundo que hubiera estado a mi lado en el final. Eres jodidamente puro, amigo. Perdón por ser tan debil.

[myhell-blog]

This is the hell 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

[myhell-blog]

Living is fucking painful, I can't, I can't, I can't, I'm rotten, my soul hurts, it hurts, it hurts, it hurts, it hurts, it hurts, it hurts.

[myhell-blog]

I can’t be the only one but...

My eating disorder is more of a mindset.

And what I mean by that is: I still eat. I eat plenty. I eat junk food and I binge. Rarely do I eat under 500 calories. Yes I am losing weight but VERY slowly.

BUT every time I eat, I fucking despise myself. I feel like a failure. All I think about is food. From the minute I wake up to the minute I go to sleep. What am I going to eat today? If I eat this, I’m going to gain weight... but I’m going to eat it anyway and just hate myself later. My brain is telling me to starve and that I don’t have a disorder but my heart is telling me that I should just enjoy food and love myself. I am at a constant war with myself. The truth is, I SUCK at starving myself. I’m like someone who has a great idea, they just can’t execute it. And that’s how my life has always been.

[myhell-blog]

A Stoner’s guide to not binging 🌿

Hi, I’m Leah! I’ve had an eating disorder for 3 years and have been smoking for 4 :) here are some things I do the prevent binging while high!

Every strain will effect you differently

In general: Indica= sleepy, relaxed, HUNGRY. Sativa= awake, focused, normal appetite.

All strains have the potential to make you hungry.

If you have a med card or weed is legal where you live, research strains you can buy at dispensaries. Leafly.com often has good info about the effects of different strains. This way you can get a general idea of how it might make you feel. Find what works for you!

What activities help me forget about eating

Being outside! Smoking in a hammock with friends or going on nature walks not only keeps your mind busy, but also keeps you away from snacks.

Sleeping. I know it sounds stupid but if you really feel like you might binge, smoke another blunt and get comfy. You’ll be out in no time!

Watch shitty lifetime reality TV. Nothing keeps me more distracted than watching old Dance Mom’s episodes.

Smoking with other people. Your friends can provide a great distraction. When I’m stoned and messing around with some of my favorite people the last thing I think about is eating.

Only smoke late at night. This makes me less likely to have the energy to make any food. My roomates are normally asleep and I don’t want to be loud and wake them.

I juul. It helps suppress my appetite and keeps my mouth busy. I don’t recommend this.

Post dumb shit like this on tumblr (yes I am high right now sorry)

Set yourself up for success

Don’t leave anything snackable where you plan to be. This means NOTHING that can be consumed. When you’re really fucked up the ketchup packet next to you could end up looking really delicious. 

Before you smoke make sure you have everything you need. I like to pour myself a big glass of water becuase I know I’ll have a dry mouth when I come back inside. If you have any safe foods that you might want, get them prepared.

Remember that we all make mistakes. You’re under the influence of a drug and if you eat that’s okay!

Stay happy and stay high!!

[myhell-blog]

I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself, I have not been able to stop bingeing since yesterday and regained all the disgusting weight that I lost in two weeks, life is hard, it's cruel, it's bad, it's painful for me, I hate myself, I I hate, I hate myself, please help me, help me, help me.

[myhell-blog]

I feel like shit, I try not to take everything the wrong way, but what do I do if everything breaks me, no matter how small, a word, an action, a look is enough, so that everything I am goes to hell, there is nothing that makes sense in my life, there is nothing, I need, I need weed to forget everything, I need weed to calm my pain, but I can't have weed because it triggers a binge and I can't control it, I need alcohol but I don't have money to buy it, fuck I have nothing, I have no love, I want love, I want a hug, get me out of this hell please

[myhell-blog]

I have had very quiet days this week as I have not had in a long time, since I started eating three times a day taking into account my calorie limit, I have been able to sleep well and have had more energy. Even though today was a bad day because I found out that my calorie counting app really sucks, or I'm a fool, because I don't know how to count calories from food and I was actually consuming more calories than I thought, so I stuffed myself with food today, but tomorrow I will start again, I will investigate more about the real calories of the food so as not to make this mistake again. I've also had bone pain for a few months but now they are more intense, I'm sure it's something serious, but I'm not going to the doctor, I've lost all hope, there's nothing left alive in me, so I hope I'm skinny before I die .

[myhell-blog]

I don't know how to feel, I fast because I had an outing with my mother and as I imagined I had a lot of food until now exactly 1200 and I don't feel so bad because I really enjoyed the outing but in a few hours I might want to die, I don't know.

[myhell-blog]

yesterday I no longer had time to update. But I could say that in eight months I had not had a Saturday as calm as yesterday, nor could I believe that without the need for weed I could be so calm and I am keeping my calorie intake at a maximum of 1000 and I'm doing well because It controls my anxiety, I am eating 3 times a day, which also controls me a lot because the simple fact of knowing that I will take at least one bite to my mouth makes me not fall into a binge of food. Today I will go out with my mother and my brother to visit an aunt. I hope to be fine for the rest of the day.

I'm a fool hahahahaha ​​I thought I had already posted this aha. I wrote it in the morning.

[myhell-blog]

I just want everything to stop spinning