myjourneytotrans

[myjourneytotrans]

Love you baby ❤️🥰❤️🥰❤️🐑

Love you too, my sweet little lamb! More than anything.

[myjourneytotrans]

I have been dating another transgirl for almost four months. I am deeply in love every second of the day. She is my absolute everything. And she has taught me something I just didn't know was possible: I thought I'd spend my life explaining myself to my partner, saying "this is what my experience as a transwoman is" and "please understand where I'm coming from" and "I know this may not make sense, but . . ."

But I don't have to. I'm further along in transition than her, and rather than that being a point of division, it just makes it so I can help and guide when she wants it. And everything else, she just understands. I don't have to explain gender dysphoria or transphobia or why I react to things the way I do. She gets it. There's no need to explain.

I had thought at the beginning of my transition that I would spend my life trying to hide who I am, that being trans would be a secret I'd try to keep. But that has changed. I'm openly out at work despite being a teacher in a pretty conservative state. I have gone through the steps of losing people who are transphobic. I have committed as completely as I am able. And this relationship makes me more able every day. I am a transwoman who is in love with a transwoman, who is friends with many lovely transwomen, who is only going to get more involved in the community. I love this life, I love transpeople, and I love myself.

I didn't think this was possible, and I don't take it for granted. I didn't think this was possible, and I feel wildly blessed. I didn't think this was possible, and I see now how wrong I was.

I have never been happier to be me, and the fact that I'm me with my favorite person makes it all the sweeter. I am so happy to be sharing my life with her. And I couldn't be happier to be on this journey with love and support and kindness and patience and beauty.

I don't know how to end this; I'm too happy to be articulate. So I'll just say, thank you to my partner, thank you to transpeople, and thank you to the Universe. And I guess also thank you to me for inviting this into my life.

We have each other, trans folks, and that's how we keep going. I'm here for you if you need it. I love you.

[myjourneytotrans]

It's been over a year since I posted. I've been publicly out for five months. My life has completely changed.

I'm happy now. I'm confident. I'm not afraid. Being me is something that makes me joyous. It's easier to make good choices for myself because I love who I am.

I'm almost entirely supported at work, and the few transphobes know to stay quiet about it--they'd be shunned by everybody else. I'm pretty genuinely loved there. It's incredible, and I'm grateful for it every day.

I have a general surgery date lined up. I'm nearly done with hair removal. I've done voice lessons and can generally manage to stay at my standard for a convincing, consistent voice. (I have always passed just fine, but I insist on the best I can do.) I'm known as the best dressed person at work. I feel like I finally figured it all out.

If you're a transperson who hasn't started transition, I know that it's scary to think about risking so much for the abstract idea of being yourself. But. We are used to a lot more pain moment to moment than we realize. Even just getting rid of that will free you to be a better version of yourself.

What I mean to say is, it's worth it. And if you need help, it's worth finding help. I'll help if I can--just message me. Or find someone you can trust. But I am here to tell you, you are worth being yourself.

[myjourneytotrans]

I'm over a year in now. The hardest thing is not telling people because I'm still presenting male at work. It's so awful to be "Mr." every time a student wants something.

But at least it's not coming out to hundreds of children and their parents.

[myjourneytotrans]

I had an appointment a few days ago for laser hair removal--I don't want to have to shave my face every day for the rest of my life. And so I got through the somewhat awkward consultation--she seemed pretty confused as to why I would want hair removal at all. And I went to the center, and they told me that I would not be eligible for the procedure because it doesn't work on blond hair, and my facial hair grows in mostly blond.

I was able to contain my feelings despite the hormones and leave with a smile and a kind word, but once I was outside, I was dejected. I didn't think I had any other options. I just felt terrible. So I calmed myself down as I drove home and made a call to an electrolysis place as soon as I arrived.

The high stakes and the high emotions are a lot to handle. I hope I learn to handle it better in the coming months.

[myjourneytotrans]

It's been a while because I've been very busy with work, but changes have been afoot.

I've been smoking too many cigarettes for my estrogen to be very effective, and I can't seem to stop. I've become numb to the pain of losing my dad. I'm starting to find my style--my wardrobe has easily tripled thanks to online shopping. I'm writing this all dolled up and in a black and white flowered dress as I write this.

As you can see, it's complicated. But it least it's happening.

[myjourneytotrans]

Conservatives accidentally doing this never gets old

[myjourneytotrans]

I can officially say I've lost family over coming out.

My conversation with my dad last week was trying and disappointing, but it did not hold a candle to today. He said that he could never accept me as a woman, that I would never be a "real woman," that his faith mattered too much to him to bend. All different ways of saying he doesn't care enough to try.

I'm kinda hurt, but not really. I feel defensive and angry and kind of surprised. But I also knew this might happen, and I believed I was ready for it. Maybe I was wrong. I don't know. But I know that a father forcibly removed makes me want to argue more than enjoy the peace and freedom.

I had hoped for more. But it's what I've got, and it's enough.

[myjourneytotrans]

I just met with my therapist for practically the last time. We have one more 20-minute recap next week, but today was the last time she and I would talk at length about my life and mind. It was also the first session in over a month, so there was a lot to catch up on.

I told her about my new job and my work-life balance and coming out to my dad and on facebook and transitioning itself. She constantly noted that I was calm, positive, and able to set boundaries--all things I had been only partially at best. We agreed that I am empowered by embracing transitioning, which was deeply meaningful to me. It was a good conversation among many.

She has been my therapist for about 6 months, maybe a month or two more. I remember her asking during our first session if there were anything unmentioned we should address. I nervously mumbled something to the extent of, "Um, could we maybe add, uh . . . about transitioning?" And she smiled and wrote it down after confirming I meant being trans. And I had been so relieved. I will be very sad to see her go.

On that note, insurance is stupid. I can keep my psychiatrist but not my therapist? Stupid.

Anyway, I am looking forward to getting to say goodbye. I would like to express my appreciation, and normally I would write a thank you card, but I've never seen my therapist in person and won't next week. So I'll have to email through the medical office messaging system, which is funny in a Kafkaesque way. But it will be important to say something, because her help with beginning transitioning was big.

It's worth writing something down.

[myjourneytotrans]

I came out to my dad today. I had been worried he would be angry and we'd fight. Instead, he made incoherent noises and asked backwards questions. "When did you come to this decision?" "Who influenced you to do this?" And my personal favorite, "Are you doing this to hurt me?" It was a shitshow. But my recent experience teaching took over. I calmly answered each question non-confrontationally and waited for the next one. I even asked if he would like to go process and talk to me again later, which he initially refused but then quickly requested.

And I feel fine. Because I expected so much worse, this doesn't hurt. And because I was ready to cut him out of my life if it went poorly, I was not invested in it going well. Can't disappoint me if I'm disappointed already, you know?

Then I came out on Facebook. What a palate cleanser. Hearts and loving comments from all over the place. Three exes have left kind words among many more from friends, former coworkers, and former classmates. I feel so supported and loved. It makes me feel like I shouldn't have been nervous about this to begin with. But what's steam to a thirsty person? Time is important.

[myjourneytotrans]

I just took my first anticistamine. Which is my fun way of saying I saw my new doctor today, had a prescription written for estrogen, and picked it up and swallowed the first of many little blue pills. It's not really sinking in yet, but I did save the information cards out of sentimentality.

Last time, I was nervous and wasn't articulate when asked about my beliefs. This time, I was more forceful. When asked, "Why now?" I said, "I don't mean to be dramatic, but I'm just so tired of not being myself." I said it with feeling. It felt good.

This doesn't feel like a change yet. And I'm okay with that. I'm also trying to celebrate the beginning of something new despite not feeling it. That will have to do for now. And it is enough, after all. It's more than I let myself think I could ever have for years of my life.

[myjourneytotrans]

I started teaching middle school last week, and it took me all this time to realize that they are in the early throes of puberty and therefore having their bodies change, which they'll have in common with me. I will hold a silent solidarity with them in this way.

I have an appointment tomorrow to start HRT if all the paperwork came out okay. Excited but not letting myself get too excited.

[myjourneytotrans]

I've never retweeted something quicker in my life

[myjourneytotrans]

I had my first appointment to start HRT today. It was so strange. It didn't feel real. Part of me was elated and part of me was afraid to get excited because I didn't fully trust it.

My doctor asked me, "Why now?" And before I could understand the question from his perspective, I felt really disarmed. How could I explain years of repression and self-shaming and ignoring my needs in a satisfying way to a stranger?

And then, when the doctor asked me to remove my mask so he could check my mouth and nose, he stepped back and said, "You'll be a beautiful woman." And then he looked unsure of whether he should have said it, but I'm so bad at stuff like this that I just smiled and hoped for the best. But it was huge.

I've theorized that he has to ask certain questions by law but actually wants to support me. And I'm all in on that.

I hope I'm reading this right.

[myjourneytotrans]

I applied some very subpar eyeliner in a rush when I got home from work today. Later, I was scrutinizing it in the mirror, and I thought to myself, "Come on now, you look like a girl who has no idea what she's doing." And then I realized I had thought of myself first as female and uttered an out loud "Oh."

I love that even discouragement ends up being progress. I haven't posted in a while, but there have been so many moments that have reminded me how important this process is to me. I am growing so impatiently to make more and more progress.

My appointment to start the process for HRT is in less than two weeks, and I'm so excited but also crawling up the walls because I can scarcely wait. Life is pretty good.

[myjourneytotrans]

I’m slowly becoming the person I should've been a long time ago.

[myjourneytotrans]

“80% of trans people detransition” actually statistical error. Dr. Kenneth Zucker, who exposed children to conversion therapy and marked people who didn’t respond to him as “destransitioners,” is a liar who’s study shouldn’t be counted.