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Brotherhood, kinda.

Growing up, it was just me and my mum. My brothers would stay with my dad. I stopped seeing my brothers eventually, and that’s when things got bad.

I felt like an outcast. I wasn’t like my brothers at all. They were all big and tough, and I was shy and rather small. I did not know my brothers, they were not like brothers at all. Siblings that seemed like distant cousins, cousins that would never call.

As I grew older, I started seeing them less. At this time I was old enough to get myself in trouble, this much I can confess. I would go out with my friends, mates that turned brothers. we all got to the point that we pretty much shared our own mothers. my mum is your mum, your mum is mine too. I couldn’t begin to tell you all the things we went through. We shared beds and we shared meals, we made promises, we made deals. These brothers did not last.

My own brothers were still strangers. I was all alone, without knowing the dangers. Often I would sit alone and be in my own head. Until the days rained on me when I would sit by myself and wish myself dead. I would never self harm, I already felt so much pain. I didn’t know what to do, I was so sick of losing, I just wanted to gain.

To have a friend that feels like a brother, To share the same goal and work with one another. To stand in the spotlight and watch my brother shine. To have a brother. A brother that feels like mine.

-NKO PRZ 14th Jan 2020

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Can confirm: getting your haircut when you’re baked is the best experience in terms of self love EVER.

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I’m currently at the hairdressers and I’m high, I wonder how this will go $100 I fall asleep 🤣🤣

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I’ve learnt a couple of things recently that I’ve also failed to share:

1. PATIENCE! Not just patience with others, kids and shit but patience in general. As long as you keep chipping away at something, things start to happen and opportunities will open up for you. Patience is so important, how have I neglected this for so long? I have no idea, but to be honest... I still have such a long way to go. I really need to get away from everything, sit in a temple somewhere and just meditate. That would be spectacular. I’ll get there. Consistency is the key. 

2. Sometimes as shit as it is, some people aren’t meant to stick around FOREVER. I’ll be the first to admit I’ve been an “in and out” character most of my life. In you life, out of your life, oh hey I’m back agin, then I ghost for 6 months then I hit you up and boom. TOXIC. Lately I’ve learnt to balance my time better so I’m not such a shitty person haha, that’s hard to say on the internet but to be honest, I feel like I’ve been a horrible person lately and only recently have I learnt to channel that and focus on balance, peace and just overall positivity.  I can say for the most part, I’m doing better but I still have a lot of work to do. 

3. Just don’t give up. Over the course of about 2 months, I’ve really been in some dark places, emotionally, mentally and surprisingly physically. I’ve been unemployed over the last 6ish weeks and times have been ROUGH. I honestly just wanted to run away and get away from most- if not, everything. I wasn’t happy and wanted to just roll over and except that life had beaten me to a pulp. Keep in mind, I had a girlfriend through al of this; She was supportive and there for me. I honestly can say she’s saved my life a couple of times. Things are now starting to look up for me. In so many more ways than just one. I’ve finally got working prospects for myself, I’m getting over this damn cold (not a big deal but definitely annoying) and I’m starting to get back into shape. Life looking good. Apart from a couple of little things but they take work too, life for me has never been black and white haha. Honestly, I didn’t let life beat me down, I got back up. I wasn’t working for a while, now I’ve got 3 interviews THIS WEEK!!! (How fucking epic!!!) In general, life is looking really positive. I think the biggest thing I’m thankful for right now is the fact that I’m still here, telling you all (probably no one) that things get better and even though you’re at your absolute lowest.... Things eventually pull up. No one told me that, people were empathetic, people asked and they made sure I was okay, but they never- not once, told me to not give up. I told that to myself every morning as I dragged myself out of bed. I told myself that every night as I cry myself to sleep wondering “why me?”. I was there for myself. I’m not mad at anyone, but I’m definitely proud about it. 

I have made so many mistakes in this life and by no means am I perfect, by no means am I the best or deserve that praise. I just do my best, which isn’t always great but it’s as good as it can be for now. 

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When you feel stuck, stop and look around, life’s good home boy.

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Strength isn’t tested when life is good, strength is tested when life decides to do a backflip and your whole world turns to shit.

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Hope.

They see my smile but it’s not real

What real is what I’m thinking... how I feel.

I wish I had more distractions

I wish my head and heart had less fractions.

I miss the times I would smile honestly,

I’ll smile again, promptly.

I know better times are on the way,

I’m not religious but I pray and pray.

I want those bad feelings to leave me alone

Since the last time I felt this way, I feel like I’ve grown.

My thoughts are longer and more calculated.

Just a shame I didn’t think longer when I left school and never graduated.

Oh well, I was a kid then and hind sight is bliss.

I look back on opportunities that I have missed.

I learnt from all those mistakes and it has made me stronger.

I’m sure I can live a little longer.

I can do it, I’m not a weak soul

I can and will climb and I’ll make it out of this seemingly endless hole.

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via weheartit

https://blue—rain.tumblr.com/

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So what’s next? You heal. You grow. And you help others.

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