myopenletter

[myopenletter]

@importantcatpics

[myopenletter]

Divine Intervention

I asked for a sign—and got smacked in the face with one. It was almost as if the universe was trying to show me a glimpse of the future if I chose the path I’d been debating over the past few weeks.

I work in a medical office. I took a patient back who had no idea I’d been thinking about changing my major. She’s a nurse, and I’m currently a nursing major. We started talking about her kids, and she mentioned her daughter, who had also been a nursing major but switched to finance. She never questioned her daughter's decision—just supported her. Six months into her HR job in finance, her daughter called and said, “I’m going back to school at ASU for nursing.” Again, the mother supported her, still not asking why she had changed majors in the first place.

Fast forward to now: her daughter is a nurse practitioner. When my patient finally asked what had made her switch away from nursing to begin with, her daughter said, “I was friends with people who weren’t nursing majors. I knew I didn’t want to study as much as nursing required, so I took the easier route.”

I don’t mind the studying, but I am worried I won’t have enough free time to study as much as nursing demands. I had been debating switching my major to Human Resources or Finance.

As if that wasn’t enough of a sign, the very next patient I took back was a retired finance manager who told me, “I can confirm—you’ll always be the bad guy, and it’s hard to fire people you know need the job.”

Then came the next patient: a nurse who always encourages me, pushes me to grow, and reminds me every time I see her that I’ll make an incredible nurse one day.

Divine intervention. A sign. A smack in the face. The clearest confirmation I’ve ever received after asking the universe for guidance.

Next stop: Nursing school applications.

Wish me luck,

K.

[myopenletter]

I feel like such a pathetic, hopeless romantic. I just want to be love and be loved. 

[myopenletter]

Underlying frustrations:

I’m the default parent. I do everything. I wake him up, get him dressed, feed him breakfast, drop him off to daycare, pick him up, take him to appointments, call out of work when he’s sick of school is closed. He’s with me for dinner, bath time…. Ask me the last time I was able to shower without a toddler present. When he’s sick I’m who is losing sleep up with him at night monitoring his breathing, giving him medicine, monitoring a fever, etc. I supply 90% of his food. I work a second job. I’m studying. I don’t sleep. I’m constantly exhausted. I feel guilty and make excuses for you, but there is no reason. You aren’t mentally capable of having this conversation. You’re going to try and belittle all that I do and state that you can do it too, but you can’t. You could literally never. I’m terrified every day that I’m going to drop dead or have a stroke because of the stress of every day life. You work crazy hours, but never have to worry about your son. You know he’s taken care of. You know he’s with me. You know he has all he needs and then some. You get off at one and go home to sleep. You exaggerate the lack of sleep and if you are sleep deprived it’s because you chose to be. You chose to play the games or watch the shows. I don’t get these options. I don’t get this free will. I feel bad because there are children being slaughtered and I try to remind myself that parents would kill to be able to do all that I do, but my feeling are valid. I’m tired. I want a partner. I want to be appreciated. I want help. I need help. I’m tired.

[myopenletter]

The reason for the name

Whew. A lot of self reflection these last few months. A lot of wondering where did we go wrong? Where did I go wrong? A lot of blaming you. A lot of blaming me. A lot of right person wrong time, but then not believing in that either. Is there really a right person wrong time? I think that anything that is meant for us we can't miss. We may postpone it, but I don't believe that we can miss anything that is truly meant to cross our path. I believe we can block blessings by keeping ourselves in situations that no longer serve us. You cannot receive a blessing if there isn't any room for the blessing in your life.

I'm not even sure where the direction of this post is going, but it has been weighing on my mind and heart heavily.

To my sons father... my love for you is endless. I created a life with my best friend. Our son is our life. He is our heart outside of our body. I have never once questioned the amount of love you have for him. It makes me love you more each day which makes it harder to leave you alone. It makes it harder to move on. It makes it harder to accept that we will no longer be.

I romanticized the idea of you. I saw you for who you could be and not who you were. When we first started dating I felt the love and appreciation you had for me. I woke up grateful every day not knowing what I did to deserve you, but grateful to call you mine. I woke up excited for the possibilities even if we just laid in bed all day. You made me feel on top of the world. You did everything you could for me.

We went on dates.

We had fun.

Over time, I slowly watched it all fade away. We started arguing more and the disconnect was soon hard to ignore. Around my birthday in 2021 I was convinced we were going to break up. We got into an argument. You left because you thought I locked you out the bathroom and was ignoring you, but that wasn't the case. I was exhausted from a long wedding weekend and a night of drinking to celebrate and fell asleep in the shower. I was ready to end things, but I didn't want to do it out of emotions so I waited.

One week later I found out I was pregnant. I don't even remember what I felt in that moment. I knew things were rough, but I didn't think you'd react the way you did. I feel stupid some days for not ending the relationship then. I felt like so much heartbreak could have been prevented that followed in the years to come.

I felt like nothing but a vessel for you the entire time. I never felt appreciated throughout my pregnancy. At one point I went to live with my mom because I couldn't handle the feeling of being a burden in your life. I don't think you ever truly tried to sit and understand where I was coming from. I honestly block out a lot of the pregnancy because it just hurts to think of it. I feel ashamed. I always pictured being loved and appreciated and I wasn't. I was grateful for our son, but I felt so alone throughout my pregnancy. I didn't feel the support I needed from you. I'd be up at night crying, praying, and speaking love to our unborn child. I promised and prayed he would never feel as alone as I felt those long 37 weeks and 2 days carrying him. I felt like every appointment was just a chore for you and I hate thinking back on this time. I don't like looking at our maternity photos because I know they are just for show. We weren't happy.

The day Adrian came I still never felt appreciated. I felt like you wanted it to seem like you did it all on your own. I AM THE MOTHER OF YOUR CHILD AND YOU MADE ME FEEL LIKE SOME ONE NIGHT STAND THAT GOT PREGNANT. I just wanted to feel fucking appreciated. I gave birth to a beautiful little boy and still never felt appreciated. Why did I stay for so long? I wonder if you think I felt appreciated?

I'm not sure what happened, but I don't even have it in me to discuss this to you. I know you won't read this so I'm going to let it all out here. I am going to let out how much resentment I have towards the way you made me feel. I wish I could let it all go and I'm praying that if I release it here it'll allow me to truly let go. To truly move on. To truly forgive you and start forgiving myself for allowing this to go on for so long.

We stopped dating each other when baby A arrived. I tried to get you to do little date nights in, but you weren't intrigued with it. You would go see the boys, but you wouldn't spend time with me. I get your perspective of feeling like I only mentioned PPD/PPA when we argued, but it's the only time you'd sit and listen. It's the only time I had your undivided attention. I really struggled and still do, but you have no idea. You don't understand. You don't get it. I don't even think that you care some days.

I don't mean to paint you as the villain, but this is how I genuinely feel. You get mad at me still for being short tempered, but you don't comprehend how exhausted I am. I don't even bother to communicate to you because you bitch that all I do is complain. You don't even listen to me when I talk to you. We haven't been together since November of last year, but I don't think we truly felt like we were separated until you moved out in June this year.

Things have changed. I don't think you ever wanted a family. I think you just wanted a kid(s). You speak of having more children with me, but never mentioned getting back together. You state that you don't want multiple baby mamas, but don't want to commit. I wish I could truly comprehend your way of living.

Opposites don't attract and that's what I've learned from our relationship. I am grateful that we typically agree when it comes to our son, but as a couple I don't think we will ever work. I like to talk things out, you like to cool off and let shit go. This doesn't resolve issues. Sometimes you've got to sit and discuss the ugly shit even if it's you.

One thing I've truly done with this break up is focus on me. I have a lot of ugly habits I have become self-aware of. I am currently working on trying to heal these habits. I am searching for an option for therapy that won't kill me financially since my insurance doesn't cover it. I am trying to become the best version of myself because our son deserves it.

I need to let you go. I need to truly let go of the idea of us coming back together. These last few weeks have really made me reflect on us. We just don't work. There is a lot I need to do, but a lot you've got to work on as well. I realized I am still getting the same old hot and cold temperament from you. I never know what version of you I'm going to get. Three weeks ago things were wonderful and fun. This weekend you were awful and Monday morning you wanted to joke around. I was irritated from the irrational attitude I caught all weekend, but if I was short with you I'd be a bitch or you'd dismiss me because I'm killing the mood.

It's one sided with you. I get that we're allowed to have bad moments, but just communicate that. Tell me you just aren't in the mood or something. It is exhausting trying to figure you out.

Yesterday when we were outside we got into a disagreement about something small and it all clicked. I don't know what it was, but it was what I needed. It made me realize as much as I want you to be my person doesn't mean you are. It made me remember the heartbreak I felt years ago over a boy who I thought I was going to marry. I know better things lie ahead.

The healing process is a rough, but hurt people hurt people. I need to heal. I need to learn to stop carrying the hurt and issues from one relationship to the next. I know I did that with us and I'm sorry I couldn't stop it. I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm sorry that I made a lot of issues from my previous relationship your fault, but we all have our faults. I am aware of what I need to continue to work on and I will continue to do it. I will continue to break generational curses because what caused my relationship with you to fail was also the downfall in my parents marriage.

I'd be a fool if I didn't say I don't think about you coming to my house and knocking on my door begging to come home like they do in movies, but that's the thing. This only happens in movies and not reality. I've spent so much time praying for us to grow back together one day. I need to stop. I need to pray for myself. I need to pray for my self-love journey. I need to pray that I forgive MYSELF. I am all I truly have. I need to be kinder to myself.

To whatever the future holds for me. I am ready. I am open. I am prepared to do the work I need to do to heal. I am prepared to learn to love myself. I am prepared to forgive myself. I am prepared to prioritize myself. I am ready to heal.

[myopenletter]

My heart is so heavy today. I feel so defeated. I just want a happy family. I want a husband. I want to be a wife. I want to have a beautiful family. I want a house. I want to travel. I want to grow old with someone. My heart is so heavy. I feel so stupid that I think about this so often. I hate that I still want this with you. I just feel like you are it for me and this is just a bump in the road. We aren't together to grow and come back together. Life is so hectic. I don't know what my next step is.

[myopenletter]

Don't have a child with a man who still thinks like one.

[myopenletter]

[myopenletter]

“Every time you judge yourself you break your own heart.”

— Swami Kripalvauanda

[myopenletter]

Why did I ever allow you to have so much control over how I felt about myself? You NEVER acknowledge anything I sent you. I'd send you pictures of me in lingerie or just enticing photos and you'd disregard them. Now that we aren't together you have some girl blowing your phone up and all you do is boost her confidence. It further solidifies that I was just some stupid bitch you knew would have a kid with you, so you kept me around long enough to do so. Now I'm stuck with our child 90% of the time. I'm sad, hurt, angry, etc but I cannot process it because I don't want our child to be around for me to express these emotions. Why did you even bother with me? What did I ever do? I feel like we were soulmates in a past life and we continue to gravitate to each other, but it feels so toxic. It feels so negative. You do not make me feel good. Why do I allow you to continue to have access to me outside our child? I really need to do better. I need to respect myself. I need to have the self-discipline and respect to leave you the FUCK ALONE. You don't deserve me. You never did. You never will.

I deserved so much better. I will pick myself up. I will rise from the ashes of this broken relationship and be better than ever. This was just a really rough lesson. You were just a season like everyone else was, but why can't I just let you go? Why won't you just leave me alone?

[myopenletter]

I have hit a point in my life that I’m just allowing people to remove themselves. I don’t have the energy to chase people. I do not understand how people can be so passive aggressive, if I did something to upset you, tell me. I have been so busy with life and spreading myself so thin I’ve just stopped. I used to do so much for people and those same people dropped me out of nowhere because I couldn’t attend their kids birthday party. Another one said I’m negative when I was just updating them on a situation in my life. I love when people who don’t have kids think that a father doing the bare minimum is acceptable because at least they’re present. We made a child together and my kid deserves more than the bare minimum. My so deserves a father who is capable of providing for them. I’ve been busting my ass the last few months and making shit happen because I have no choice. I’ve got no one else to depend on. I love my son and regret nothing, but this is hard. I’m in school, I have two jobs, and I’m the primary caretaker for my TODDLER yet I’m negative. Or the next bitch is mad that I couldn’t make it to a birthday party when I explained to them I would try and what was happening. Honestly, I don’t give a shit. I have my people. The people who matter don’t care and understand. I am grateful for the few friends I have that continue to love me through every stage of my life. One day all this will work out and I’ll understand why this path was so rough, but until then I’ll keep my head down and moving forward.

[myopenletter]

[myopenletter]

[myopenletter]

maybe you weren’t the one for me but deep down I wanted you to be

[myopenletter]

I am terrified of spreading myself to thin this year, but I know a positive mind attracts a positive life. I’m now a single mother, with two jobs, and in classes as well. I have my mind set. I will be successful. This is going to be a wonderful semester. All of it will pay off in the end.

[myopenletter]

I wish I could just stop caring. I wish I could just stop.

[myopenletter]

I just want someone to love me

so fucking bad.

And I know I'm just pathetic

and desperate

and full impulsive thoughts,

but I just want someone to hold my hand

and walk with me to hell,

so I don't have to walk alone.