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[myownstressrelief-blog]

12/20/17

Sometimes I feel like an idiot. Last Friday I probably had a crazy drunk moment. To sum it all up a good amount of my college friends and my sisters friends told me about Maverick and just how they knew how he was like and they thought this was different. They kept telling me “I wish I told you about him”. Oh wells honestly. I drunkly called Maverick and yelled at him. Probably the worst thing that I had done since my BU, but whatevers! I got whatever I wanted to off of my chest. I don’t care about how he was acting (like an asshole) but I was upset that he claims that he already broke up with me. This was just shocking to me and I was just like... I am better than this, I don’t need this and i’m glad im no longer dealing with this!! The next night I deleted all of the photos of him off of my phone. Dumped all of it in a file on my computer that I probably won’t look back at until years later. My phone is now free of him and I’m glad I don’t see his face at all. It’s funny that the stages of BU that I see myself going through. I can tell you that I feel very relieved and I am happier that I am not around negative vibes. It saddens me sometimes only because I’m only afraid of trusting people again. It was hard for me to give him my trust and he betrayed it. I hope that I meet great people that just won’t intentionally hurt me in the end. We will never know unless we see how things go and that is just by meeting more and more people. I always dread writing this post because I am ashamed of what I did w/the drunk call. I also did not want to write this because I don’t like thinking about him. I look forward to see what the future has in store for me. I am only here in this world with good intentions and I just want a happy family with someone special. 

[myownstressrelief-blog]

11/28/17

Something I heard on the radio today was “Life is like a puzzle piece, don’t force those that just don’t fit in”. This really hit me and made me realize how true it is and you should force things or people into our lives. Its almost a game, you have to get the pieces and see if they fit. Eventually I will be able to finish my story. 

Today at work was a training day. I expected it to be a little more chill but honestly my mind was not really there. I felt really embarrassed as I was working with a supervisor and I felt so uncomfortable practicing. I didn’t know the steps or anything on going on with my training. I was mainly uncomfortable the fact that I didn’t know my information. It was almost traumatizing to the fact that i’ll remember all the embarrassing things that happen during that hour of practice. 

After work I went to see my sister Donna and friend Traci. It was nice just having dinner with friends and family. We got a drink after and I loved the beer I got. Tasted great. It was just very nice to chill with friends after a long day of work and trying to forget my ex. 

I know today that my ex will be returning from Thailand today. I’m more so mad that I will have a higher chance of running into him again today. I know that he will probably be spending much more time with his rebound chick. I’m over all of this. I am still somewhat full of hate and anger about how I was treated and how fast he moved on. But... so what? Its just upsetting to me because everytime I drive down to the area of where he lives, everything reminds me of him. I hate it so much. But my friends and family are there, what else could i do? Otherwise I feel ok so far. I want to be much better at what I do at work. Working on opening up and being as social as possible. I pray I survive another day of work tomorrow. Long day but an opportunity to learn. Good night. 

[myownstressrelief-blog]

11/27/17

I am back from a long day at work on a Monday. My legs are sore and my head hurts. I honestly broke down crying on the way back home. I don’t know how I even survived driving home. My mind was not focused and I was so tired. I don’t know exactly why I cried but possibly it was a combined of stress and anger towards Maverick. I hate him for breaking my heart and not caring. I know I shouldn’t be caring as well but I can’t stop thinking about him randomly. I hate when I am alone and I start to think about him. However, I’m proud that I was tempted to look at his instagram again. I told myself no. I asked myself, what will I accomplish after I look? I also had read something on reddit that made me feel better as well. I was reading about how a girl wants to either move on with life and be happy as a revenge or to tell him how much he hurted her. I am in her same exact position, however, someone commented and said that she had gone to therapy and was told “If you get revenge on him and make him feel hurt, then what?”. That is exactly the point, nothing will happen. In the end either he cares or he doesn’t care, it brings the worst out of us and we will end up feeling like shit in the end. I think the best revenge is our own happiness and success. I hope and look forward to moving forward. It won’t happen any time soon but I want to be over all of this already. I hate how depressed I get. I can easily shut the world off and hide under a rock. I need to be stronger and get myself out of this depression. 

[myownstressrelief-blog]

11/26/17

This weekend has been very difficult for me. I’ve noticed that I was a lot more depressed than usual. I would be smiling for one moment and lost in the thoughts that I have going in my mind and leaving me sad. I’m unsure if its because its the holidays or I just can’t go on a day without thinking about him slightly. I hate how there are so many things that reminds me of him. I hate the lonely feeling that I feel. I do however want to thank my family in general for being here for me. Its hard because I don’t want to sound like im ungreatful, but even when they are around I always catch myself in a weird funk and being depressed as usual. I am upset and disappointed in myself for allowing myself to get beat up like this. It also doesn’t help the fact that I have work the next day. I guess it’s just the sunday blues that I just haven’t felt in such a long time.

I hope tomorrow will be a new day and I will try my best to speak up more and talk to others around at work. I want to be as happy as possible. I have to fake it, until it happens. I look forward to more positive changes occurring in life. 

Today I was proud of myself for going out to the park with my mom and sister donna. It was honestly a great moment to just enjoy great company and the nature. I want to be able to enjoy great things and be happy and healthy. I have to be honest though that from the thoughts that I have accumulated from this weekend has just been so traumatizing to me. I have to admit that at this point, I will never be able to forgive Maverick for lying to me, for leaving me depressed, pushing me away as if i don’t matter anymore, and especially for moving on so fast to another girl. I am disappointed and how things have turned out. I hate that I trusted someone so much with my life and my everything. In the end, I felt stabbed in the back and abandon in a ditch. I never felt as hurt as I do feel right now. I am so vulnerable and I’ve allowed it to affect how I function in my normal days. I’ve kept it to myself a lot because I am just not ready or in the mood for things lately. I allowed it affect me at work and I sometimes just don’t care much. I hate that I have allowed it get to me like this, especially when I promised myself that I will be stronger. I have to keep reminding myself that I promised my grandpa one thing. It was to always take care of my grandma. As much as I would like to, I will try my best to get out of this funk and move on with life. I can’t allow my mood affect me at work. I have to be happy and positive. I have to go out there and meet more and more people. I have to accept that one day I will have to open my heart out again to someone else. However, with Maverick.. He is dead to me. I am disgusted by how I was treated. All the lies of having a future together and not dating others for a very long time. All lies. Everything has been lies from the start. Everything has only been about him and never about me. I was only there for his pleasure. Maybe it was good that I left early or else I would have been suffocating for long. I have so much built up anger and hatred towards Maverick and sometimes I feel like it is difficult to control. That is why I always get upset and depressed. I don’t understand how someone could have such cruel intentions of being selfish and not caring about others. I am hurt that ALL I ever do is put others before myself. I care too much about others and about how others think about me. I need to now put myself first and keep myself first. I know that I would never want to be like Maverick and hurt other people. However, because of the damages that he has done, I wish and hope that he suffers the pain that I’ve gone through so that he understands and realize how awful those actions that he has done were terrible as a person. 

How unfortunate it sounds, Im sad that the first relationship that I had, had to be a learning lesson for myself. I’m so afraid to begin dating again because I don’t know which guys are true and loyal. I’m so afraid of running into another Maverick. I don’t want to go through the same pain in the relationship and also dealing with the aftermath. I know that there is someone out there that has destined a path for me. I’m greatful that I got to experience love at it’s realist. It’s sad that I jumped into it so fast and got hurt so soon. I hope to learn from this experience and find the person I was back then. I used to be happy and very self loving. This break up has left me very torn apart that I don’t even know who I am anymore or what I would want from life. I will end my night here, work on some of my notes for work tomorrow and begin the new day with a big happy smile. Fake it until you make it. So difficult to do... but you gotta do what you gotta do. Good night world. 

[myownstressrelief-blog]

The negative moments that hurt me the most in this relationship.

The reason why I came out with a CONs only list is because it is a constant reminder for myself why I need to keep my mind focused and move on from this experience of dating. It is one of the most emotionally painful thing that I had to go through in life. I learned a lot about myself and what I want. I am proud to say that after this relationship, I feel that I am not afraid to stand up for myself anymore. I am proud of myself for staying positive so far. I have been trying my best to forget about him, but there are times when I dream about him or think about him. I get so angry because I somehow created a hatred towards him for treating and leaving me in my current state of mind. I can’t help but see all the words that he has told me were all just lies. I hope this list is something I can always look back at and remind myself I was better than this. I deserve to be happy again. 

- Making me wait for him to be hungry in order to eat. Especially times right when I am off of work and starving.

- Always responding in a annoyed and angry tone every time I cry. 

- Making me fetch things for him every time he forgets something upstairs. 

- Makes me put his socks on for him before we go out. 

- Only really wants sex when he is in the mood. Otherwise, it’s “later, I’m tired”. 

- Lying to me about doing drugs with him and his friends. 

- Making me feel insecure, but not even comforting me about it. Just blames me about being insecure myself. 

- Never asking me about how my day was at work.

- Always wanting to just sleep in, while I wait for him to wake up.

- Going out to places without tell me where and with who. (He assumed this was invasion of privacy and no trust). Honestly... it’s for safety reasons and it’s sad that he doesn’t see it like that.

- Being lazy and not grooming himself before work.

- Not being there for me when Jonny and grandpa past away. He didn’t try to comfort me, he just didn’t bother trying.

- He moved on two days after our breakup with a girl he met at an event. RIDICULOUS..

- Always saying he will do things, but he doesn’t. 

- Continued to talk to other women, even though it made me uncomfortable. He would just dodge the conversation because he didn’t want to talk about it.

- When conversations got heated, he would just walk alway and not bring up the conversation. 

- I would always chase after him and want to talk out the situations. 

- He made the comment of “Don’t act like you wanted to pay” at in n out. 

- He would call his close friend that is a female hun and other cute names. He didn’t call me cute names that often.

- He treated his FRIENDS way better than he treated his GIRLFRIEND. The only difference was that I got sexual side of him, only. I wasn’t treated kindly like how his friends were treated. 

- Him telling a friend through a FB chat that he was not torn by our first BU.

- Him lying because he didn’t want to hurt me, APPARENTLY. 

- Lying about a friend giving him a ticket, when he actually bought his basscon ticket. 

- Giving me the cold shoulder the night that I went to get my belongings. No actual hug or kisses. All it was, was “go take care of yourself”. I never felt the moment where I lost his love for me. He must have fell out of love..

... To be continued. 

[myownstressrelief-blog]

11/16/17

Today is just hurting so much more and more. My current mood, I feel like throwing up and just figuring out why am I honestly still living.. especially feeling this awful pain. 

I saw that Maverick posted an instagram video of his night at his favorite DJ. That video, he tagged a girl in particular. I browsed through her instagram and with my assumptions..

- they met that night.

- she was one of the girls that he planned to take (which i doubt)

- she posted a tokidoki coconut and captions as “I miss you”. Which is one that Maverick has of his own. He also liked her photo.

- I found her twitter and she posted on a sunday saying that it was the best night in her life in forever. The probably met up that day and done something.

It hurts because we were together for a year and a half. One week later, seems like he has found his rebound. I’m just so shocked that if I am right about my assumptions, I’m completely shocked how fast people could move on so fast. Seeing that broke me inside so hard. I want to confront him about it, but I keep asking myself... what is that going to accomplish? He will just see that I am crazy and I will also look pathetic. I am so pathetic to hope for a future with him still and be with him with the rest of my life. Even though he seems happy and fine and enjoying his life. Yes, I know i am insecure and this is obviously something I need to really work on myself. I wish that I was strong enough to tell myself no, stop looking at his stuff and just start moving on. Be the person you want to be in life and enjoy life while you can. I am so afraid of what his break up will do to me and how it will impact my life. I know that this is a phase that a lot of people go through but it is honestly so hard for me to handle. There are just days I want to just give up.. I just want to run my car into a brick wall and just not deal with this anymore. How am i able to cope with all of this mess?? 

I think I just need to face the facts.. if he wants to disrespect me like this.. then its honestly completely over and clearly no future ever. I just feel like i never got the closure or the exact words from him and his mouth but all i got was that we need to move on and so on. I dont know how i feel about all of this. It is worth confronting him? Should I just block him and just move on with my life? This is just so hard. I knew it would not work to just be friends or anything. The thought of this makes me shake constantly and want to throw up. If break ups are going to be like this forever, I don’t know for sure if I even want to fall in love again. Because when I fall in love, I fall in love very hard and I always crash in the end. I am so disgusted with life with now. I don’t know how to move on from this. I’m trying my best to think about a pros and cons list of Maverick because I am trying to convince myself why it is that I should move on.. I hope this list will help me. I hope I can come to my sense soon that he honestly doesn’t care about me nor my feelings. It is probably best to just forget about him. 

[myownstressrelief-blog]

11/15/17

I didn’t feel like writing yesterday because I was tired and quite depressed. I think that yesterday 11/14/17, it hurt me a lot because that would have officially been our 1 year and 6 months. I honestly round it up because it was so close. Even time frames of the year doesn’t matter because a number is just a number. The fact that Maverick and I had bonded in such an intimate relationship, it made us feel very close to each other, instantly when we met. 

As I mentioned in my previous post on the 13th, I stated that I would be talking to Maverick over the phone before he leaves for Thailand. It was tough because I went in hoping for a good conversation, but it just really hit me hard. I expressed what was left in my heart for him and almost everything that I listed in my previous post.. He reminds me to not think like that or think about a future because even he doesn’t know what the future holds. He doesn’t have to hold any empty promises. I see it in his prospective that he told me this so that we can continue moving forward and to prevent any way for us to fall back into the same cycle and bad habits. However, I also felt that he wasn’t in love with me anymore based on his tone. That is just an assumption, which means there is nothing accurate about my thoughts. I asked Maverick if there was a chance for us to try again in the future. It hurt me thinking that he will meet someone else that he would fall in love with all over again. Its ironic how two months ago, Maverick asked me that question and I said no promises but if things happen, things happen. He then said the same exact thing to me during that phone call. I didn’t realize how much it hurt to hear those words. I didn’t get a chance to tell him to have a good and safe flight to Thailand because the phone call ended on an emotional note. I ended up messaging him on snapchat and he replied thanks. I hope that from the phone call I didn’t push him away even more. The words that I mentioned to him were true. If I could spend the rest of my life with him, I would. 

Lately, I would be able to go to work and I would be okay. When I get home, I relax or go out. Anything to honestly keep me busy. Every morning is tough for me.. I don’t want to get up at all. I just want to stay in and not get up. My heart breaks every morning because I tend to reminisce about the little moments with Maverick that makes me laugh and actually be happy. Now, I feel like I forgotten how to be happy. I know and understand that it takes him and lots of great distractions. I just hate the feeling and the stage that I’m at. I need to push myself more to move forward. It’s honestly tough when I feel like I’d probably be a lot more happier not alive than trying to get through this. I don’t want to say that I have completely given up.. I just feel hopeless for myself. I just want to feel safe just like how I was safe in Mavericks arms. I hope for him to improve for himself and get his priorities straight like he had mentioned. I hope I can be more independent and not rely on others. Improve on my own behaviors and control my feelings. I lost the inner peaceful side of me and I hope to find her again. I just want the best and where life was meant to be, I want to be able to find what was set for me. 

[myownstressrelief-blog]

11/13/17

I would be lying if I said that I’m living life fine and happily. Clearly, I am not. I have the constant feeling of missing a puzzle piece in my life. I also feel very sick to my stomach because I will be talking to Maverick on the phone tonight. I don’t know what to expect, but I do know I want to let him know how I feel. This weekend is not enough for thinking, but I was able to clearly figure out more about myself and my wrong doings. 

The things I want to tell him:

- I miss his presence, phone calls, his voice, his smell, his everything.

- I’m upset that we broke up, even though I know it’s for the best. I want us to be the better people we are, not the hurtful people we currently are. 

- I’m sorry for being hurtful with my last message. Out of spite, I said the most hurtful things I’ve ever said to anyone and it turned out to throw my relationship down the drain. I will never forgive myself for that. I never intended to hurt the ones that I love, but I clearly did it without any thought. 

- He made me want to become the person I want to be. I want to become a good wife and mother in the future. I want a future, with no one else but him. 

- I was too caught up in the whole idea of a perfect future, while I wasn’t living the future. 

- I was not accepting him for who he was and some of his bad habits, instead of giving him his time to change and adjust on his own free-will. But I do question myself, would he ever get out of these bad habits? Which leads into the perfect reason why we need to separate. We need time apart to figure out who we want to and need to be. 

- I allowed my fears to smother me, just like I smothered him. 

- Its difficult to continue to live life and find a purpose to be happy when I know what makes me happy. Him, his comfort, he make me happy.

- We both were too comfortable in the relationship. 

- I wanted a committed relationship and a secure future... and I scared him away with that.

- Although I have my wrong doings, I wish that I was appreciated more and not taken for granted. I want to try and trust each other again (even though this is the toughest thing to ever do). I want an honest and loyal relationship. I want to go out with him and do the things that he loves and the things that I love (ex. going to events, concerts, playing board games, going traveling). Going out to an extend, but to most things. I feel very uninvited. I don’t want to be yelled at when I’m in tears or even just left alone in tears. I want to be comforted in times like that and work things out immediately. I break down every time a bad situation is avoided. I want to talk about each others day, even if it’s a relaxing day, I just want to share information. As mentioned, I only asked to have information about each others where abouts because of safety reasons and because I care. We had to work on being on the same page, most times we are both seeings things wrong and clearly not on the same page.

I wonder to myself, if I share with him this information, how would he react? Is he already over me? I’m not sure where to even begin..

I know that I would do anything just for his warm hugs and kisses again. The way he holds and cuddles me to sleep.. 

We clearly made a mistake from jumping right into a break and expecting things to work out after. We do need time apart from each other to explore our lives more and understand whats best for us when we aren’t around each other. I know that my heart will always have a spot for him and I hope that just like how we mutually agreed to break up, but to mutually agree that we will work on ourselves only for a future for us both. I want to tell him that I love him and I’ve never given up since the day I laid eyes on him. 

[myownstressrelief-blog]

11/11/17

I took a small break from blogging and here I am again! It’s always a bad sign when it’s another post coming from me. Since September, many things had happen and I am shocked that all of that happen in literally just two months. Writing everything out gives me a sense of relief and relaxation because I don’t have anyone else to rant to about this without sound awfully pathetic. 

I will start with what I am proud of myself for accomplishing so far. I am so proud of myself for working so hard and being patient enough to wait for my dream job. It probably started all in September where I was going through the interview process with WIC. Through such a month long intense interviewing process and dreadful wait for a call back about whether I received the job or not... That day did come in October and it was one of the most happiest and joyful calls that I have received. The call started with “We would like to offer you the position...”. My eyes and mouth just so wide open that I couldn’t believe it. I definitely accepted the position without a thought. Ended my phone call, then I immediately told my mom, shouting in joy about the great news. I’m proud of my self for landing a great job, with a great company, and with such a great starting pay. The next person that I was so happy so to tell about my new job was my grandma. I wanted to make her proud and happy about what I have accomplished. Especially since the passing of my grandpa, I pushed myself so much harder to prove what I could do. The only thing I am sad about is that I wish my grandpa was here to share this joy with me. The funny thing about my grandma is that she won’t let me buy her things unless my first check comes in. She always says that and I always remind her that I was working a job previously, which allowed me income to spend. Starting off at WIC also comes with a very intense training process. This, at times makes me feel so nervous about going to work, but I push myself because many other workers are able to accomplish this, I believe that I can do it myself as well. I am always being observed to make sure I can accomplish my job on my own. I hope that I will get there at the end of my 4 months of training. We will see where my skills will develop and extend to. I always hope and pray for the best. 

The more dreadful topic that I don’t enjoy talking about or even thinking about... Maverick. Sometime in September I took Maverick back and I wanted to try the relationship with him again. I hate to admit it so much but Maverick and I are not meant to be together. It’s either at this certain time frame of our lives or just in a different universe. I don’t even know where to begin with him. I guess I will start on why I took Maverick back. I wanted to be with him, I wanted to be in his arms, I wanted to feel safe. I thought that taking him back would make me feel happy again and that it would definitely work if we set a clear path on what we needed to work on. I suppose I was too focused on the idea of us growing old together so immediately and not even thinking so much about the present. Maverick and I are two different types of people in this world that just share a unique love for each other. A lot of people might say that I just had love googles on or that I haven’t experience love yet with others to see what is actually out there. I truly believe that the love that Maverick and I both share is unique and special. I love putting my cheek against him and sharing the sparks and butterflies that I always feel. The way he held me just made me feel warm and protected. This is something special and i don’t think its anything that can created again. I have the huge donut that he bought me for my birthday this year and I can’t find myself to not hold it and smell his scent lingering on it. Every whiff of his scent drives me insane and makes me shed a few tears. The problem that happen about me taking Maverick back was because we had two different perspectives in life and they just clashed so hard against each other. as I can easily put it in the big picture is that Maverick is just a free spirited guy that likes to socialize, go out, feel good, and be happy. As for me, I am a introvert that enjoys staying in and grew out of my parting phase. I would expect him to say certain things in a certain way, i expected him to see things the way i see things, if not, then that would just seem weird and odd to me. He thinks a way different way which seems inconsiderate to me but to him he just doesn’t understand. I was ready to commit and settle down with him, but he just isn’t ready for that. He is not there mentally nor financially. I still hope for a future that we can both share when we both are ready for commitment. I feel awful for smothering him and not allowing him to be his own person that he wants to be. There were still some things that we both did not do right in this relationship and I hope that we both can work on those issues and move pass those obstacles for only a better future and for the love that we have for each other. 

[myownstressrelief-blog]

9/3/17

I’m unsure if my brain is just playing tricks on me or something.. I’m so god dam confused with what I want in my life. Some days I crave for Maverick’s presence.. other days.. I feel like I can handle my life without him. I feel like my mind keeps playing tricks with me because I constantly think and focus on different experiences that I had with my ex. It’s hard because I feel like literally I’m telling myself I love him and I can’t live without him or I’m also saying that he didn’t treat me right in our previous relationship. I honestly don’t know how I feel. I know that I am needy as a person, that always turns out bad. 

I wonder why in every conversation I have with Maverick, it turns out horrible. There is never a mutual agreement on feelings or emotions or even about situations. I’m just so confused because I’m unsure on how to make it work with him in the conversations. I’m not trying to get to the point where one person is completely right, I want us to just both understand and see the situation the same so that we can move pass us and continue living our lives. It’s just so difficult because he really sees only his side. When I mean only his side, its really just his side. I don’t know how to move on about this because there is just so much feelings and emotions put into him and I don’t want to just let it go like this. 

[myownstressrelief-blog]

9/2/17

My usual weekend is consisted of work and never enough time to make it to family festivities. I am actually glad I had work today because people at work always have a good heart and sweet personality that always puts a smile on my face. Not many people will get to experience this in their life, but kitchen co-workers will be one of the best ones you will have. You go through shit together because of orders and complaints, but they never let anything get in their way of making work more enjoyable. I mostly adore the staff at my work place, although there is a large age gap between these co-workers, they care about you no matter what. I’m proud of most of these workers for working so god dam hard to pay for rent and to raise their family. These people are also my motivation in life to just have my own family. 

Work has been busy today but also a decent distraction from my ex. I honestly can’t stop thinking about him, thinking good and bad. This morning waking up before I had work, I had a dream that he texted me saying hello. I knew it was a dream so I kept telling myself, “its a dream, its a dream. when you wake up and check your phone, you’ll see that it was just a dream”. I woke up and checked my phone, I was right. Constantly hoping that he would message me, but nothing. Just the alarm stating its time to get up and get to work. I think driving in my state of mind would be slightly dangerous because I can’t stop thinking about my ex and sometimes I get lost in my thought. After I got off of work, I was so tempted to text him, but I just drove home and here I am. In my room playing some Ed Sheeran and trying to solve my puzzle piece that I was originally suppose to solve with my ex. I just want to be in his arms right now, his warm arms keeping me tightly held and feeling very important. I just want to kiss those smooth and soft lips, showing him that he is mine. In reality, he isn’t mine anymore. 

The thoughts that I had mentioned in my head about good and bad.. The bad I will start off with first. I can’t help but feel so insecure after reading blogs how people suggest others to have sex with others so they feel better after a breakup. This relates to the dream that I had yesterday as well, I would feel so hurt seeing my ex with someone else. I selfishly don’t want him to be with anyone else. I want to be with him and only him. I just can’t with how I am in my life (not with my dream paying job) and where he is in his life right now. Ideally, we both can’t have a happy future together. I keep giving myself false hopes that would come true in my head, hoping that time apart will be worth it and god brings us two back together again. I just want to run away and just live in a world with us me and him. I want to wake up to his face and have a farm with animals and plants for us to tend to until night falls. Spend the days indoors just gazing into each others eyes. I want to be the one that cooks for him when he comes back from work. I want to be the one that holds him at night until we fall asleep.. of course I love it when he holds me as well. I want to be the only one to be sharing an intimate love life together. I want him and only him. I wish I had the guts to tell him this, but its honestly too late. I still hope and hope for him to call me and just fight for me. This is asking for too much though and it brings out the selfish side of me. I keep hurting myself by picturing him making love with others or even just kissing someone else. It burns my heart and breaks it into pieces. I just want him to understand that I didn’t leave him because I stopped loving him. I had to leave because I was no use in his life, I was only enabling him to use cocaine. The relationship at this point was just unhealthy, full of lies and addictions. I was addicted to fixing him up. My heart still loves him so much and I don’t know if I am able to give him up ever. I know how girls are out there, I don’t want him to go through another shitty ass relationship. I only got to date him, but other guys never took me serious in the first place. People always judged me based on my appearance, which I hate, especially my underbite. Myself, I am full of insecurities, but my ex never thought about that when he first saw me. He only comforted me and connected with me through family problems that we were going through. Now that there aren’t any family problems, we become the problem, together. I just hope that so far in my life, I don’t regret doing things because I just want to spend my every last moment with him before something tragic happens. I only hope for the best for him and me. My mind could use a rest for tonight.. I will never forget or stop loving you Maverick. 

[myownstressrelief-blog]

9/1/17

I am shocked on how fast the months fly by and just how it is already September. I’m scared of how fast life is going by and now is the serious time to get ready with my life and continue to move forward until I have my dream job. Let me first tell you how depressing it is to be on your year off and having families and friends constantly asking “What are you doing now that you graduated?”. Well.. i’m taking day by day and slowly trying to process everything. 

I’ve accepted that my grandpa is in a better place now. I remember the previous month where my grandpa would just lay in bed and show signs of pains he is feeling. I would spend everyday to pay my respects and keep him company while he struggles to survive during his hospital days. It is horrible to watch a family go through it especially when you know that the family has just agreed that there is way too many health problems and has reached towards the end and its ideally not worth fixing and having my grandpa struggle with the pain. It will be painful for him and painful for the family. I only hoped that he lived the happy life that he got to live and appreciated his time on earth. I made my prayers at his funeral and I promised and my family and I will continue to watch over my grandma for him. 

Additionally, the most pain at this moment comes from the breakup that I am going through. I am lost in how to feel at this point and just feel dumb every time I think about everything. Yesterday’s sleep was one of the most painful ones for me. I texted him before bed which I knew I really shouldn’t. I honestly just couldn’t help it. I miss him so much and I just want everything to be okay. I just think about the moments where we just stay in and we would cuddle for hours. Having him wrap his arms around me like I was the only thing that mattered the most to him in the world. I miss passionately kissing him while butterflies spark in my stomach and in my mind. I loved putting my right side of the cheek against his face or shoulder. The connection that we had with skin to skin was one of those best emotional rollercoaster feelings i get every time. I just want to go back to those days and just freeze time and tell him that I loved him and thats all that mattered at that moment. I just want to be on a island stuck with him and only him, surviving together. I always picture him and I can’t help but think about seeing the person inside thats screaming for help to get him out of this mess. He is so stuck inside and consumed by cocaine that I just can’t even save him if I wanted to. If that was the last thing I had to do before I die, it is still impossible. So many chances I gave him to show he can change but he can’t. Even he can’t change for me. He really shouldn’t. He needs and has to want to change for himself. I think I am afraid to admit that this break up and difficulties that I’ve struggled with my ex has put me deep into depression. There is just times when I just want to be with him and die peacefully with him. It is so selfish but I just feel so lost in this world, I don’t know exactly what to do to feel normal or live life peacefully. I’m not sure if it’s just the feeling of loneliness or ... to be honest I have no god dam idea. I am full of anger, hate, sadness, and just overall confused. I have no motivation to live life right now and I would hate to leave my life because I know many people will be affected by my death. I have already seen how my grandpa’s death has emotionally impacted my family and if I were gone, I don’t know how they would feel about me after. I’m sure they will be in my position feeling angry, sad, and confused on my choices and feelings. 

I can’t really express how much more that this pain hurts. It just feel like i’m the last person on earth that matters at this point. I hate that I know I lost my ex to drugs. I should have been more aware of his drug usage when we first started dating and taken it more serious. But falling in love with him was the best feeling at that moment. I honestly can’t tell him I love him still or I just miss the feeling of being in true love. I am constantly waking up everyday feeling like a whole different individual person with mix feelings and signals. I always thought that I was a lot stronger than usual, but I don’t really know at this point. I just want to be out of this pain. I honestly would have never wished upon the people that I hate in this world to express this pain. I know that its the real world and in reality people will eventually go through pain like this. My mind is all over the place right now, I know I have my sisters to talk to and a couple of friends to talk to but how annoying is it to hear about the same thing of how painful this is for me and so on. I hate to be the person to talk about my own feelings. I’m greatful that I have people that hear me out, but even that honestly isn’t enough. I feel like i’m suffering through this pain and I’m afraid of not being able to get out. 

The dream that I had yesterday was of my ex being with someone else. That also increased the pain on myself. I can’t imagine him with anyone else and I hope that if he decides to be with someone else, it is for good reasons. I had always suggested that if he wanted to continue to want someone to be okay with his drug usage lifestyle, he should find someone that is on the same page or that also uses drugs. For me, it hurts more and more just to see him take in lines of cocaine or even finding out that he’s lying about doing it, it hurts. I know what is best, but I don’t want it to be that way. I just want to be with my ex again and be together. I want to live in a simple farm and take care of animals and plant fruits and vegetables together, just like the Stardew valley game. I just want to spend my time with him happily there with a family and end life together peacefully. At my current state of mind, I can’t help but wonder what is he up to or how is he feeling.. I just hope that one day our paths will cross again and hopefully we will be where we need to be, which allows us to happily be together again. I miss him so much right now, he is the only one that matters the most to me. I messaged him last night and he agreed to talk in person after this upcoming weekend. I say potentially because I don’t want to message him next week, I will let him come to me and if not, then I told myself I should move on. I hate being the one constantly chasing after him, I feel like he hasn’t put enough effort to win my heart back, except for beg for me back when I say I want to break up every time. My heart just needs time to slowly heal and grieve. I need to be nice and give myself some more time to recover from this breakup. It has not been a complete week since we officially broke up, but I pray at least for a good and happy future for the both of us. I want to end this on a good note and I wish I could tell him that I never loved anything in this world as much as I loved him. Although he was my first love and I never got to experience enough love, I feel it strongly. 

I need to keep asking myself more but do i honestly miss the person or the relationship? 

To be continued..... 

[myownstressrelief-blog]

Year 2017

The time when I had started this blog, I originally used it as a stress relief and I found that as something that had helped me continue living life peacefully. I actually hate how I never continued to write when I went into my college years and here I am now. August 30th, 2017. I should be applying for a job right now, but i’m so terrified. I may just multitask and I really need this stress detox. Honestly.. I have no idea on where to begin....

I guess I will first begin with what bothers me the most at the moment. For awhile, I’ve been dating my boyfriend for about 1 year and 3 months. It’s interesting for me because I used to see it as people who are in a relationship for over a year, that is pretty serious stuff right there. However, after dating my boyfriend for awhile, I learned that a year is nothing compared to many years that I would potentially be spending with someone, with the rest of my life. Recently, my boyfriend and I had broke up. I broke up with him because of how life just progress and the way I felt that I was being treated. Before I go on about how things were with my ex, I want you to understand that my love for him was very unique. It was special. This was someone that I was willing to and I actually did, give up my time for and so as much as I can to please him. I am a person pleaser, so it makes sense, that is the joy that I get from being able to make him happy. Even though I want to please him, I am also like any other girl that would appreciate attention and want to feel loved even when I don’t need the daily reminder. I just wanted to feel appreciated. 

I always think back to the first day when I met my ex. May 14th 2016. Tricky, as our relationship developed over into the next morning of the day. We were at an EDM event somewhere. I honestly don’t have a good clue on DJ’s as I was mainly going to have fun with my sister that night. My ex knew my sister at the time as they had attended events together. The funny thing about my ex was that I didn’t care for what he did in life, I just enjoyed the bond that we created within hours of meeting each other. I fell in love with him on that dance floor that night. It’s funny because we would argue over who kissed who first that night. I still honestly believe he was trying to kiss me, I mean come on, someone as tall as him, leaning his face in? It was definitely him that kissed first. I love the moments that we spent together. The longest that we’ve been apart from each other would maybe just been a week. After that, I would go nuts if I didn’t get to feel his touch again. I feel like I’d never seen him in years. Its up to you on how you interpret it, I guess you can say i’m clingy. I just loved being with him even if we are just cuddling together in bed. His touch was what gave me a reason to continue living and continue to be happy. 

There are many times when my ex and I had gotten into arguments and during those moments I feel dumb about the assumptions that I made about him and how awful I feel when he didn’t celebrate valentines day with me, comes to family dinners unappreciated, not inviting me to his own, acting a certain way that made me feel disrespected, and honestly not taking me and our relationship serious. I would always at the end of the day feel like shit for every argument. However, after the past painful month and a half of trying to save the last bit of our relationship, I look back at those moments we argued and I can’t help but ask, how can you stand there and lie to me and manipulate to thinking everything I did was because of me for being crazy? I’ve learned a lot about my ex and myself during that month an a half. I learned to respect myself and finally put myself first. I’ve been waiting on him for awhile now and honestly I am emotional and mentally exhausted at this point. It is so difficult to be happy in life for me and continue to do the things I do. I’ve felt that I’ve put a complete pause in my life to see if I can save my relationship with my ex. 

This all steamed from the night that we had an argument and he left me at his house without saying a word. I was upset, checked his messages on facebook and saw that he lied to me about the night before. He stated he had a work function and had to spend time with me another day, however, he was with his junkie friends doing coke the whole night. What I hate about him doing drugs is that he changes himself into another person, i have to face him when he is under the influence and going through withdrawals, he sleeps in the morning and ends up pushing our plans later towards the night. I don’t understand how he can’t see the pain it puts me in and especially finding out that he lied to me. There is most likely many times that he had lied to me and has gone out with all of his other junkie friends. After a couple of days, I was prepared to talk to him about that night and was prepared to break up. What prevented me from going on with my decision was when I saw him break down and cry. Instantly, I felt that I saw the ex that I met from day one and the one that I fell in love with. I couldn’t let go of him, he asked for another chance and how he understands now, I gave in, I gave him that chance. I warned him about how hard it will be for me trying to make it work because I lost trust in him. I warned about how I needed to know where and who he was with. I even wanted to share locations for the conviences so that I wouldn't have to always ask like a crazy person. However, he told me how uncomfortable he felt and I just said fine. As a couple we had to compromise. I agreed on a break, modified where we don’t see each other often but I wanted to know truthfully how he is doing while not doing drugs and everything. During our break, no word from him and still private about where he goes. A good month passes by and here we are. I find out from my sister that he is still doing drugs and I would question him but he still denies, even though I had hard solid evidence. I question constantly why even after giving him another chance, he blows it away. Its still hard for me to wrap my head around this because I’m slowly suffering in pain here while he is rolling up his dollar bills and snorting more coke. Losing my loved one to drugs, was the last thing I ever thought I would have to face. During our arguments, he still can’t seem to understand the pain I am suffering through. There are nights I am at home crying for hours before bed because I know the people that he is around are not good influences at all. They are the reason that he keeps doing the drugs and keeps lying to me about everything. As he denies my words, I can’t help to think that he just enjoys the drugs and would put that first than our relationship. I am also suffering from pain at times how he challenges me how I had to trust him eventually even though he lies to me, challenges me on how I’m taking the easy way out of leaving him and not feeling a thing, challenging me with everything and manipulating me to thinking this is all my fault and that I wanted to change his personality. During the questions I asked him on how I was changing his personality, many things he said made no sense at all. He mentioned habits that I was annoyed of, not personality related. I already feel horrible on admitting about how I feel and the reality of this, however, I realize I don’t deserve any of this anymore. I had enough and I am done with this emotional abuse going in my head. As much as I wanted our break up to be mutual, it was impossible. He still wanted me to be with him and accept that he is going through a phase. How am I able to trust those words when he couldn’t even be honest or earn his trust back during our break? It kills me when he texts me how he wishes we were at DnB (our hangout spot) or how he doesn’t want me to leave. No one believes me, but I never wanted to leave him, but I can’t keep feeling hurt constantly 24/7 a day. I felt like at that moment I was asking for an earlier death bed. There were days I would wish to remove my soul from my body and let someone else be with him and be with his needs. I don’t want to suffer anymore, the pain for me is awful. I don’t resort to drugs like many people do when they are suffering and this is why I know I had to remove myself from the situation. The decision of leaving my loved one was only the best thing I could do for myself. 

It is hard losing my ex because he was my first love. I pictured a future with family, a house, pets, farm... just an overall future with him until we die old together. He was the first person I connected with our quirky personalities and add sense of humor. Our intimate love was unique to me and I loved being with him and around him. I learned to accept that if its only one person fighting in that relationship, you can’t go on forever. Eventually the person fighting will be out of energy and definitely needs a breaks and deserves a better life. I don’t think far about dating others at the moment, but I know it will be difficult for me as I thought it was already fate that brought me and my ex together. I hate that I am a hopeful person because I think about meeting with my ex again in the future. The chances will be hard and very slim of us being together because of the lies that had already accumulated together. I know there is potential in the future, but I just don’t feel that I can love someone the way I loved my ex. I just wanted the real guy I fell in love with that night on the dance floor. He is lost somewhere and controlled by a drug addict, a junkie. I pray that my love would break out of the spell he is in and just come back home. He deserves a good life, not the life he is in now.  

[myownstressrelief-blog]

Mmhm..

What I hated for a while now was how Instagram makes the explore page filled with photos of who your friends follow it liked. I thought that as quite irritating and annoying at first because there were just things that I didn't want to see! I wanted it see more food or fashion blogs. Instead, I kept finding pictures of people I have no idea about. But because I am quite a nosy person, I always feel then need to look at it hhaha. But what I thought was interesting was that I had seen a picture of that guy I met at the volunteer service. I am totally wowed!! I mean was it a coincidence?? I just find it funny how I hated this new feature so much. But now I am quite thankful for it. But just seeing the picture of him makes me think about him even more. Oh dear god.. What will I ever do now, I am just so unsure on how I would ever meet him again. I hope that I will again one day..😔

[myownstressrelief-blog]

Hello hottieee!

I've just met a cute guy today and I just can't stop thinking about him. He was extremely friendly, kind, and amazingly adorable. I feel embarrassed that I kind of remember him a lot and I am just a whole new weird person that he barely met. However, I'm sad that I never got to tell him my name or bye before I left this volunteer service we were both doing. I guess if things are definitely meant to be, then they are meant to be. What a great distraction from homework. 

[myownstressrelief-blog]

Who is Alex?

Almost for the entire senior year, I always talked about Alex. Well I am ready to confess who I am talking about. As I mentioned earlier before, he as a close friend of mine. Someone that I just enjoyed talking to everyday. He made me feel more comfortable, be silly and just try new things that I would never do. His name is L i n h. I can't believe that I just wrote his name out, but I mean.. at this point, I just really don't care. haha, its funny because i'm currently listening to Alesso mix of "If I Lose Myself". Makes me feel free and lost in a whole new world. But back to Linh, I just can't ever stop thinking about him that it really starts to bother me. Every time I look at old photos from high school or when I hang out with my current friends, I just can't stop thinking about him!! It is crazy. I'm sad of how things really ended. I felt like at one point, I just forgot about him, but I know that deep inside, I was also emotionally scar-ed. I just honestly want one question to be answered from him.. I just really want to know why.. why hasn't he talked to me ever since school ended? I know that people will be thinking and saying well how come you don't talk to him yourself? Well I am just so afraid. All of my friends have messaged him themselves, and they never got a single reply. I really don't want to recieve the silent treatment, but he is always given me that. Lately, I have been thinking about death so much and I don't want to die knowing that I didn't get to say goodbye to him. I just want to at least end like and be on good terms with him. It is just so impossible because he is just a different person. I have to admit, that sometimes I just think and think.. I feel that everything has really been my fault. I just don't know why. I don't know if he is really worth thinking or worrying over. Its sad because what i'm just not that important to him?? I have no idea on what I can do. What am I able to do to resolve things with him?? Things like this just suck. I valued my friendship with him so much that I always find myself thinking about him again. It is kind of sad, but I can't help it. I want known he may be thinking. I even want to simply know how he is doing. I know he is a bright guy, I have lots of hope in him. I do wish him the best in his future. He would make a perfect nurse out there. He has a very sensitive heart and he is really funny. He would even make a perfect man for someone out there. The only thing that would change the relationship between us, is if we randomly run into each other in the future. I'm not sure if that is possible, but it really might be possible. It is so unhealthy for me to be moping about him for almost a year!! That is fucking crazy. Dear god.... Life is just so complicated. It really isn't easy living.. You deal with all this shit and then you die. I'm not sure how I feel about everything. I just want to simply be in a empty room with a pair of beats, listening to some EDM and just be lost in my own little world. It would bring me lots of comfort. I would be able to clear my mind and enjoy the sound around me. That is my definition of an escape route of reality. That is all that I sort of feel as of now. I really want to write him a letter incase I don't get a chance to talk to him ever. Lets just see how things so, but as for now.. I will move forward with life. 

[myownstressrelief-blog]

My interest that is different from everyone else...

I know that this is not very new or anything, however, it is different in my family. My love interest has really broaden compare to my family. There is just a sense of pleasure when I come to think about who I am most attracted to and who I would like to spend the rest of my life with. A part of me still has an interest in Asians, white Americans, and especially Mexicans/Latinos. I'm not really sure why, but I just find them all so attractive. This post is extremely random.. but it just makes sense as to who I always think about. This is jut a brief confession that I wanted to make.