mypinkchapter

[mypinkchapter]

Thanksgiving.

The holidays have arrived! It's surreal to say that because I have been longing for this time of year since my diagnosis in April. We stayed so hopeful that I would have both surgeries & all sixteen rounds of chemo under my belt by the holidays, to essentially be considered "done." Well, guess what? Our holiday wish has been granted! We are extra thankful this year for our blessings, one biggie being the fact that I am now a breast cancer survivor & not a breast cancer patient. The Lord has been SO faithful & good to our family.

This being one of my favorite days of the year, preparing for Thanksgiving & all the Christmas cheer that is about to set in, feels like an ideal day to post here, as I have spent so, so much time in reflection recently. My mom has persistently been asking, when are you going to update your blog? I haven't posted since September-ish; I didn't even post when I finished my sixteenth & final chemo round on October 3. I have had a few ask me why I have stopped with the updates? Wouldn't now be the time when I wanted to update the most? The funny truth... updating anyone on cancer was the LAST thing I wanted to do. I was past it. I was ready to push it behind me. I was ready to run back to normalcy & forget cancer. I think it's taken me this long to really be ready to put my thoughts & reflections into written words. 

All along, from diagnosis day on April 4th to my final chemo treatment on October 3rd, I fought breast cancer. Ringing the bell after that final treatment is a moment I won't forget, surrounded by so many that loved me & even more awaiting the video so they could celebrate with me as well. My family & I will forever celebrate that sweet day. But... the whole time I was so excited to get past this journey, I don't think I realized what the journey really entailed. When I prayed back in March that if this was what my journey was to be, that I would choose to embrace it & use it for good, I had no clue that I wouldn't ever really be... off the journey. It sounds crazy, because all things come to an end, & thankfully my cancer has come to an end, but the journey -- it's a part of me that will forever live on. 

I thought when I started this blog & called it My Pink Chapter, that this little season of life would be all about breast cancer & then we'd turn the page & be on to a new chapter. Here's what I have learned though... my pink chapter really won't ever end because it now marks every single aspect of my life: how I approach every new day, how I parent my sweet Elly, how I interact with my students daily, how I appreciate each day with my family & friends that are like family. I truly am grateful that I was blessed with this pink chapter & that it's impact gets to resonate in every chapter that is now to follow! 

I am so very thankful to be at the end of my treatments & surgeries. Normalcy really is beginning to return & I feel so much better with every passing week. My hair is even slowly starting to come back! Most are amazed at how quickly they say it's coming in & I have moved on from hats & wraps to just having a funny little fuzzy hairdo.  Some days I catch myself wishing I could wake up, forget about the fact that I'm now a cancer survivor, shed all the weight gained from the steroids, & have a ponytail again! But, I rest in the fact that every day I am one day further away from breast cancer. 

Last month, during breast cancer awareness month, Robin Roberts from Good Morning America spoke about her journey with breast cancer & said, "You're going to wake up one morning and you're going to realize that you've gone days without thinking about it... it doesn't seem that way now, but you will do that." I look forward to this day, but for now, I will continue to be thankful for all the lessons learned thus far on the journey & how it has grown me into who I am today & the future me.

All my love from my pink chapter,  Erin  

[mypinkchapter]

Top 3 Favorites.

Hi friends! I am feeling so thankful because we can now count on ONE HAND how many treatments I have left... FIVE more weeks/rounds to go!!! Praise Jesus! I feel great! #happydance

In the perfect timing that comes only from the Lord, our women's ministry began a new fall Bible study over the book of Job by Lisa Harper; it is a seven week study & when we started up, I had seven weeks of chemo left! How sweet to wrap up these chemo rounds studying a book about finding unlikely joy in the midst of suffering... suffering that isn't even comprehend-able for me. My suffering in comparison to Job's is literally a drop in a bucket. 

With that in mind daily & with the excitement of seeing even more slivers of light at the end of this tunnel, edging closer, I thought it would be fun to reflect on my favorite parts of cancer. Yes -- favorite! In such a crazy turn of events from the diagnosis in April, as we carry on now, this has been such an incredible blessing. I fully believe gratefulness in the midst of the journey has been a huge part of my healing. So, without further ado: lists of my top 3 favorites, cancer edition! 

Top 3 favorite: head coverings

Nothing. Way more people than I would have originally wanted have seen my bald head because hello, it's been a hot Arkansas summer, & I actually like showing off my teeny tiny hair growth to anyone who wants to see!

Baseball caps -- in particular my simple breast cancer baseball cap that was a gift from my bestie, Natalie. Pretty sure I wear it at least 3-4 days of the week, but it's neat how many conversations that one hat has sparked because it answers the pressing question everyone has when they notice my bald head, wondering what cancer I have. So many new survivor friends now!

Multicolor/turquoise scarf from my fellow breastie, Savanah. This was her favorite headwrap during her journey & I think she seasoned it up just perfectly for me because it is truly the only headwrap I feel comfortable/happy in. It's like the scarf just knows how to make a bald girl feel a little better! ;)

Top 3 favorite: perks of having a bald (but really now a "fuzzy") head

I can get ready in under 10 minutes! 

I walk out of the shower & have dry hair in quite literally no time. 

Back in the day, straightening my hair was no simple task & I certainly don't miss all that time in front of a mirror, but I also can't wait for the day I get to turn my straightener back on! #lovehaterelationship

Top 3 favorite: things about the St. B's Cancer Center

My NURSES... unbelievably precious humans that I actually get excited to see weekly. I am so blessed to have our sweet Aunt Sandra looking out for me like no other; she loves like I'm her own & has been the absolute best caretaker. Plus, so many other sweet folks have brightened my days & have taken top-notch care of me. I don't want to forget their names one day -- Mandy, Jyl, Mr. Jack, Tasha, & such a kind volunteer, Ms. Dorothy.

I've had a wonderful oncologist, Dr. Durrani, but my PA, Callie, is someone I have grown to think of as a friend -- she's just a friend that talks cancer with me! And fun fact: we're only four days apart, so to have someone relate-able & my age walking with me through this has been quite the comfort. 

The hours spent in those recliners inside the infusion room have been truly priceless. I have cherished conversations with my “chemo buddies” each week. Between my husband, Mom, Dad, & Gran (plus a few new chemo buddies coming up in my last few rounds!), I have loved the catch-up sessions with those I love the most!  

Top 3 favorite: things about my Riverside family since diagnosis

My kids. Cancer or no cancer, I love my kids. The love, compassion, & respect has been unmatched by both my Jr. High & Sr. High students. The world could use way more kids like the ones I am honored to teach.  

The family I work with on the daily. Something that many don't know is the fact that the sweet, sweet faculty & staff have all been providing dinners three nights a week for my family. Three nights a week, y'all. There is a care calendar in place where we have been provided for since the beginning of the school year until my treatments wrap up in early October. How humbling to have so many people spend time & effort to lovingly prepare a meal or provide a gift card to make our lives easier... I will never forget the generosity & support shown by those I am blessed to work alongside.

Mr. Priest, Mr. Ziegler, Mr. Durham, & Mrs. Priest -- my administration has gone above & beyond with their support. There hasn't been a moment when I had to put my health on the back burner; they have been so encouraging & willing to stand in the gap for me to ensure I can be back to 100% when I am ready & able.

Top 3 favorite: Scriptures since diagnosis 

My go-to & the reference on my Team Erin bracelets: “Rejoice always, pray constantly, give thanks in everything; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

“But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is perfected in weakness.’ Therefore, I will most gladly boast all the more about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may reside in me.” 2 Corinthians 12:9

This past Wednesday night, a sweet friend, Nicole Arbuckle, prayed Psalm 57 over our Bible study & gracious, it was good... so good. I loved verse 1, "Be gracious to me, God, be gracious to me, for I take refuge in you. I will seek refuge in the shadow of your wings until danger passes." 

Top 3 favorite: funny moments since diagnosis

Meeting Chris Harrison at the FedEx St. Jude Classic & he thought I was a St. Jude patient. I told him that aged me backwards 10+ years so I would gladly take that "compliment" of sorts! 

Elly holds onto my head & we both giggle when she does as I get her dressed in the mornings. :) 

Ryan cracks jokes about my bald head & people legitimately have no idea how to react! Example: "Oh yeah, last time you met her she probably had hair but she definitely doesn't now!" *cue awkward laughter* So funny every time!

Top 3 favorite: lessons learned since diagnosis

Embrace the spontaneity. Random ice cream runs with Elly & Ryan. Living in the moment & not fretting so much over what's next, whether that be a big life change or just a simple monkey wrench thrown in an evening plan. Texting your best friend at 2pm that the Backstreet Boys are in town that night & somehow making the arrangement to go & dance way past your bedtime at the very last minute. Modifying & adjusting in the classroom, on the spot, because lesson plans aren't realistic every single day. Y'all, this idea of spontaneity just never came natural & not to say I'm so great at it now, but I sure am learning that some of the sweetest/best memories live in the unplanned moments. 

Trust Jesus. He is good. He has a plan that rivals no other plan I could make for myself. Know that every single moment in stormy seasons is worth it, is purposeful, & I pray will be used to glorify Him. There is NO way I could walk this walk without Jesus living in me & walking in-step with me. 

Savor the days. I have spent 28 years of life truly sweating the small stuff, as the cliché goes. Cancer sure knows how to strip that away & has served as a reminder these past five months that time is far too short & fleeting to waste my days. This has been the greatest perspective shift I could have ever hoped for & never knew I needed. Gratitude has truly washed over me & fortunately, I will never be the same.

"The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in Him, and I am helped. Therefore my heart rejoices, and I praise Him with my song." Psalm 28:7

All my love from my pink chapter, Erin

[mypinkchapter]

The One Where Mrs. Gibson Starts Back to School. Yay!

Here I sit with flutters running wild because tomorrow starts a new school year! I move into year 7 as a teacher. I always say I'm excited for a new year, but this year is extra sweet because the groups of students I get to work with, freshmen & seniors, are all students I have previously taught. It was like the Lord brought things within my classroom full circle exactly when I needed it most. I will keep tonight's post short since it's a school night & my momma will get on to me for being up too late! 

I do want to share something I will be sharing with my students tomorrow. If you're one of my kiddos, stop reading now & skip to the next paragraph! :) I was really inspired this past week when my principal, Mr. Ziegler, asked us to consider something he had read in a book by Damon West & Jon Gordon, that if we think of ourselves as a carrot, an egg, or a coffee bean? Just for reference, I said egg because they seem pretty bland & you always know what you're getting with an egg -- fairly boring! Haha! Nonetheless, he went on to ask us what happens to these three items when placed in boiling water. The carrot becomes soft & mushy, the egg becomes hard boiled, but the coffee bean turns into a refreshing & satisfying drink that so many people crave. He used this as an analogy for when we face adversity, which is representative of the boiling water; we can either crumble & turn to mush, become hard & bitter, or thrive & become something better. I think this is a lesson for anyone & everyone, that no matter what we do or what we face, that we choose to tackle it with the courage that this will only strengthen & grow us into something better that the Lord intends for us. I went so far as to print off a carrot, an egg, & a coffee bean for my classroom this year. I hope that it is a daily reminder to me & my students to push on, even on the difficult days & through the challenges. 

I am so grateful to be writing this from home tonight after two nights in the hospital. I had had such a great week of professional development last week; my fellow colleagues & administrators were beyond gracious welcoming me back. When asked how I was, I would respond, "I'm good... no, like, really good!" I was a busy bee, embracing routine... even my new routine of Wednesday afternoon chemo. I finished up my PD week & when Friday afternoon & evening rolled around, I wasn't feeling as great any longer. That continued on through Saturday afternoon when we discovered I had a fever that needed to be checked out. Long story short, we discovered my white blood count & neutrophil levels were way too low to go untreated, thus began a stay to receive IV antibiotics. I had such sweet people taking care of me; I never had to leave my comfy clothes; I actually had some quiet time to work ahead on some lesson plans; I spent some fun time & laughs with Ryan & then with my mom. I missed my Elly girl, but I was grateful that my little hospital getaway was short & sweet, and that I am feeling better literally just in time to start back to school.

I am now at the "halfway" point of chemo because I have completed 8/16 total rounds (4/4 AC rounds completed & 4/12 taxol rounds completed), but I like to think I'm past halfway because I have 12 weeks of treatments under my belt, with only 8 weeks of treatments left! I can see the smallest sliver of light at the end of this tunnel & I am so thankful. There is still lots of time left in this chapter but I am grateful for what I've walked through with the Lord at my side, the lessons learned, & the conversations that have happened all because of this journey. 

Okay... bedtime for this antsy teacher ready to embark on a new adventure tomorrow! 

All my love from my pink chapter,  Erin

[mypinkchapter]

Processing vs. the process.

​"But we must not forget His presence in the midst of the process." (p.98) -- Lysa Terkeurst, It's Not Supposed to Be This Way It's with lots of happiness that I am writing today on the other side of the dose dense AC chemo​ treatments​, aka "the hard stuff​." ​So, w​e're past the harder chemo & onto the maintenance chemo, plus the big surgery is well behind me & I'm a good ways into reconstruction -- one might think how easy it must be to relish in all these great things going for myself... but that's not been entirely true.

The past few weeks​ for me​ have been filled with finally, really, truly starting to process this whole process. It's been tough on me when the "whys" & "what ifs" start to sneak in & settle in my mind. I think that's fairly natural & normal for anyone who has stood in this place or a similar circumstance, because our flesh is our flesh. We can become a little self-centered pretty quickly. I think that ​ov​​er the last few weeks I have been a little harder on myself, completely lacking any grace or giving myself room for imperfection.​​ I feel like ​while ​watching other friends walk this journey, I give them way more grace than I give myself. As I said in my last post a few weeks ago, suffering isn't always pretty. Lysa Terkeurst discusses in her book mentioned above that sometimes we just have to sit in the seat of suffering. I guess at times I think that should be like a day or two & then I'm back to ​"​normal,​"​ but this journey entails more of a longsuffering. "Longsuffering is long because you can't sprint through it." (p.101) 

I feel like I have tried staying so composed at times that I haven't given myself room to struggle, but thank heavens God's grace is way better than my own! So with these realizations, I am doing my best to remember the grace that God shows me daily, practically minute by minute, & that I should show that same grace to myself ​(and oftentimes others) ​to accept that sometimes it's okay to struggle & it's okay to be tired, because God wants me to trust & rest in Him. There is a song that I started clinging to right before my diagnosis, which has been a staple for me since, and it has the lyrics, "I will rest in the Father's hands. Leave the rest in the Father's hands." I can't say I'm doing the best at this always, but I'm learning & I'm trying. The best part has been that I have been swept up by those at the heart of my support system, showing me grace & picking me up in the same way that Jesus picks us up when we need it the most!

I know I have mentioned this a few times here in my posts, but ​sweet ​friends, the Lord's timing... ​it's ​so good! In the midst of this season, our lives have resumed as normal as possible, including Ryan's & Elly's. Ryan has been working as a medical sales rep for about three years; he has had some of the nicest bosses who have allowed him to focus on me & my recovery or my treatments whenever needed. It's been the biggest blessing​​. But as we've spent lots of time with doctors, nurses, etc., Ryan felt a tugging at his heart to move back into direct patient care. His degree is in Interventional Radiology & jobs rarely open within that area, thus he had tossed the idea around of applying for nursing school. This summer, in between treatments, we had worked on him applying & trying to get some prerequisites going, but we kept getting frustrated with the process. It had become a headache & things were not playing out like they really should have in terms of timing. It makes me laugh when I think back now because it really should have been simple, but we fully believe the Lord threw a few road blocks in there in order for him to stumble upon a job opening in his degree field, & now several interviews & weeks later, he has landed a job back in patient care at our favorite place of care, St. Bernards. We are so excited & so grateful that God was perfect in His timing!​ He now gets to show the same love & compassion to others that we have been shown -- how neat!​ It works out perfectly that he'll be starting ​in the coming weeks​ as, like I mentioned earlier, I'm essentially starting on the downhill slide to this journey. It was a neat reminder to us that we have to fully trust in the Lord's timing & know that He places us in the right place at the right times for the right length of time. 

So, onto other topics, like hair... and how I have none! It's wild to me how this has all worked itself out for the better. Per my previous posts, I was obviously doing my best to save my hair through chemo, but it simply wasn't in the cards. I feel like I summed it up best in my post on social media ​on the​ evening of my decision, "Sometimes we step out & try things, but they don’t always work out in our favor... and guess what, IT’S OKAY! I didn’t want to seem like a 'quitter' but I had developed some major scalp pain & was continuously losing mass amounts of hair, so it was time to tell myself, 'It’s okay.'" 

Well I am happy to report that now, almost ​one​ month after choosing to be rid of what hair I had left, I feel honestly such freedom! That was a weight lifted from my shoulders that I didn't realize I was putting on myself. Hair grows back & it became so stress-inducing for me to worry over, that it was robbing me of joy. Joy that I am now embracing, just with a fuzzy head because it's already starting to come back in! Elly thinks it's great & funny enough, wants her hair cut like Mommy -- which is a big fat ​no​ because of those perfect curls, of course! But Ryan told me afterward that maybe a bald head is what I needed to add as an outward ​piece of my ​testimony ​on​ this journey. A dear friend that has battled cancer &  had to embrace losing her hair told me that she found that people tend to be nicer to someone with a bald head; I think she is right!

The treatment process continues tomorrow & I begin the new weekly drug in the morning. To be truthful, I'm anxious. I dove in headfirst to my first rounds simply because I had nothing to compare it to & I was so ready to get going. Now I'm still ready (because I'm ready to be done!), but I'm ready in a nervous way because I think of how this will compare. Will it actually be easier? Will I suffer the side effects my oncologist has discussed? ​Will even more normalcy be able to return?​ Again, it's simply that I have started to process this whole process & I now know how to question it compared to earlier in the journey. 

So I would really appreciate prayers over the next few weeks as we kick off this maintenance drug. Prayers that side effects are minimal & that I can easily function on this drug, because hello, SCHOOL is around the corner! :) And I want to be as normal of a teacher as possible. Just a teacher that goes one afternoon a week for a bit to get some chemo​...​ no big deal, right?! 

We are so appreciative​​ for the prayers, kind words, & sweet gestures that continue to come our way​ -- thank you​! 

All my love from my pink chapter,  Erin 

[mypinkchapter]

2 down.

I don't think it would come as a shock to anyone that knows me for me to confess how much I love school. I don't think many teachers choose to walk back into public education as their profession if they don't love school or have a love for learning. My love of learning led me through K-12, a Bachelor's degree, into my own classroom to teach, & to a Master's degree that I finished in the previous school year. This past school year it was all I could do to think about what comes next in terms of my next step in learning... do I want to pursue my Specialist degree? Do I want to consider starting my National Boards? Do I want to use my Master's degree & step out into the world of school administration/leadership? I mean, school & learning was just about at the center of everything I was focused upon. Little did I know what kind of school & learning that my life was leading into.

One of our sweet pastors spoke with me on the phone the other day to check in on me & pray with me. Our conversation mostly centered around suffering. He talked about how in America today, many just don't really have the concept of what suffering looks like or feels like. Of course, many Americans do know & have been through the trenches, but there are so many others that just don't get it. He told me that what I was experiencing with this journey was putting me through the schooling of suffering. It was as though everything that I had wondered about & yearned for over this past year suddenly made sense. My tests ahead weren't going to be given by Praxis or an online professor; my school & learning had to take on a new face for this particular season of life. What a sweet moment of clarity & reminding that the Lord will take care of my next steps.

Learning to suffer is not always pretty. It has not come in a neatly wrapped package with a pretty pink breast cancer awareness ribbon on top. But it is necessary & important that when we face trials, that we remember the purpose. Philippians 1:12 was my memory verse for last week in the new summer Bible study I'm working through & I have found it to be such a comfort to dwell upon. "Now I want you to know, brothers & sisters, that what has happened to me has actually advanced the gospel."

Suffering & trials will inevitably come. Suffering is tangible evidence or proof of how the Lord can & will work in us & through us. During my Bible study this week, that truth was made known. She talked about how with the most precious & beautiful fine china, for instance, that it is burned the longest in order to reach its peak beauty. She quoted James 1:12, with the beginning of it reading, "A man who endures trials is blessed." Also in John 16:33, it states, "I have told you these things so that in Me you may have peace. You will have suffering in this world. Be courageous! I have conquered the world." Choosing to embrace the fact that suffering has or eventually will come our way, certainly makes it feel (& hopefully look) a lot less like suffering.

I have officially crossed the threshold of the infusion room as a chemo patient - twice now actually. Two out of sixteen rounds of chemo medications have circulated through. My first four rounds are said to be the tough rounds, the ones where I will likely have more side effects. Hooray for being halfway through those rounds! I am so grateful to say that my side effects have been manageable thus far. Unlike many chemo patients whose side effects occur about 3-4 days after, mine have hit within 3-4 hours & lasts about 2-3 days. I have dealt mainly with extreme fatigue. Unpleasant, yet doable. It takes its toll for a few days & then suddenly, I feel human-like again. I go from basically zombie mode to suddenly back to my normal self; it's kind of crazy honestly!

One of the major side effects of this chemo drug is the hair loss. Patients do not keep hair when receiving this drug... thus I have tried to challenge that with the cooling cap. Typically one sheds their hair actually on day 17-20ish, which is  after their second round that occurs on day 14. Had I typed this all earlier in the week, I would have talked about how great & relatively normal my hair had been. Allow me to explain a little more into the cooling cap before I dive into the last 24 hours with my hair.

With this cooling cap I have to follow very strict instructions, such as:

Wash only twice a week -- yes, twice a WEEK!

No hot water when washing & no shower stream hitting your scalp -- use cups of cold water to wash

No brushing except when in the shower (on the two days I wash) with a wide-toothed comb

No products can be used

No styling tools can be used

No tight ponytails or my go-to style of a bun -- use only scrunchies (which makes me feel like I'm back in the 90′s or trying to be "cool" like the teens today wearing their scrunchies... lol) for a loose, low ponytail

Essentially: embrace all natural (or wild woman, in my case) hair

So, yesterday was my day 20 & my hair let me know real quick... I woke up with two mats in my hair. Matty, ratty, tragic messes on each side of my head. I thought to myself how thankful I was that it was wash day! Well, wash day resulted in me not realizing how bad they really were & sitting on the side of the tub for a half hour while my dear husband had to pick out each one, basically one strand at a time. It was UGLY on the bathtub floor -- hair everywhere, so, so much hair. By evening, I developed yet another mat. By that point, we had figured out that because I was losing so much hair, it was tangling around the strands left on my head. So again, my husband patiently picked out gobs of hair & brushed it all back out while I sat & shed a tear or two. We estimate that I have lost around 30% of my total hair as of current. I woke up this morning with very little loss overnight, so I do still have hair & honestly lots of it, even after the traumatic hair day yesterday. It took having a "bad hair day" to a new level!

You know, hair is just hair at the end of the day... my husband still loves me with my wild, natural hair all over the place or he would love me with a bald head. My daughter would still love me. I know I would still be loved with no hair. I'm not so vain that I just have to keep my hair. It's simply that sliver of normalcy that is so sweet to hang on to, that allows me to be out in public without drawing attention to myself. Should we continue with crazy shedding & it all comes out, well then it does. It's just been a fun little part of this journey to try & cold cap to see what happens; it's been like an added extra-credit bonus problem on this test I'm taking. If it works out, woo-hoo! But if it doesn't, I'm still going to pass this test! So hopefully I will get to continue wearing that goofy cap & looking like a weirdo in the infusion room... we'll just see what my wild hair decides to do. 

Disclaimer: If you see me out in public & I have still have hair on my head, just expect that it'll be crazy wild & it will appear like I haven't brushed it or fixed in it weeks... because well, I haven't! 

All my love from my pink chapter, Erin

[mypinkchapter]

Clarity.

There are moments when Jesus is just so good. My prayer has been, even before I had an official diagnosis, that the Lord would simply use this journey. I didn't expect to see that prayer answered so quickly, but this past week, we were blindsided with some news. A friend from our Life Group decided to do a self-exam once she & her husband had found out about my diagnosis. Turns out, this friend, also a young mom, has been diagnosed with the same breast cancer as I have. Even more, her tumor is almost the exact size as mine. I am still in awe & get goose bumps thinking of how precisely the Lord prepped our paths & allowed them to intertwine.

As much as I wouldn't wish this on anyone, particularly a friend, I am so grateful that she discovered this while it is still so small & that we can find the "good" in this by now walking our journeys together. The clarity that has come from knowing that the Lord loves us this much & that His plan is perfect, fleshed out physically before my own eyes, is beyond my explanation. What I can say is that it's all worthwhile to know that the Lord saw fit to use the story He is creating within in me to ultimately help someone else.

Even with the thought of how genuinely good the Lord is, our own weakness & fears can creep up. I caught myself wishing the other day for a few more bits of normalcy. Everyone can relate; sometimes when you're in the midst of a storm in life, it's as though everything is swirling around you & you're just stuck, impatiently stagnant. I found myself feeling envious of others & the normalcy or "good things" they are experiencing while I'm sitting here in the midst of cancer. I 100% was playing the victim card while talking with Ryan. Without hesitation he said to me, "But Erin, those people may not be experiencing Jesus like you." And he's right. Regardless of our circumstances, (because as Pastor Archie says, "If you're not in a storm now, you're either going into one or coming out of one") everyone has storms. It's how we choose to experience the Lord & His faithfulness that defines those storms & how they'll impact us & our growth or others around us. As my sweet friend has said in her newfound diagnosis, a testimony doesn't exist without the test.

In a devotional I am currently reading, a piece of a prayer resonated with me. "I want to live well & learn all I can on this present path even though it's scary... It's comforting to know that You want to walk with me one breath, one blink, one swallow, & one heartbeat at a time... Above all, I deeply desire that You are praised in this experience. If I can be assured of this, all that is happening is worthwhile for my growth & Your glory." -Sister Sue Tracy, hospital oncology chaplain

I will begin a new step in the journey this week: chemotherapy. I feel antsy to begin. Cancer has affected so many, thus so has chemo; I have been told countless times now how it has affected others, but I'm ready to tackle it myself to know how it will affect me specifically. Excited is a weird word to use, because I could probably name at least 1,000 other things I'd rather do Thursday morning, but I am excited to start because that means I'm that much closer to finishing! And one more example of how the Lord has perfectly orchestrated this -- I start chemo basically on Day 0 of summer. Thursday is our last day of school, so the timing could not be any more ideal for this school teacher.

I will be trying something fairly new to preserve my hair as best as possible. I will be sporting a cooling cap for my first four rounds of the "bad" chemo, hoping to prevent as much hair loss as we can. I will be looking cuuute in that infusion room ;) Should it work, awesome! Should it not work, at least I can say I tried. My goal throughout my treatments is facing all things coming over the next few months head on, resting in what the Lord will reveal & teach me on the good days & the tough days. 

I am anxious to see who all I still have to meet on this journey. I have had to say "see ya later" to each of my surgeons. Walking out of my first surgeon's office after a hug & knowing I wouldn't see her for three months, I was genuinely sad. A few days later I had my last visit with my plastic surgeon & his precious nurse until the fall once chemo concludes, and again sadness came over me. Y'all, had someone told me less than two months ago I would be sad to say goodbye to these individuals, I wouldn't have believed them. Of course I'm ready to be on the other side of this, but how cool that the Lord has placed me in the care of people that I have truly felt peace & comfort. I feel confident that there are more neat people that I have yet to meet along the way!

So, from the pre-chemo side of things... 

All my love from my pink chapter, Erin 

[mypinkchapter]

Strength.

Some normalcy has returned to my days, so hooray! One piece of that normalcy is the busy-ness, between having a very sassy almost two year old running around, to returning back to the world of being Mrs. Gibson to 120 middle schoolers, busy-ness hasn't escaped me despite all things swirling around my health! Finding time to do a little blogging has been a tad more challenging since not being confined to the recliner.

So, to re-cap my last few appointments & catch anyone up to speed on my physical health: -I am still so grateful for the news of stage I! That has been the best news thus far — to know that essentially I'm free of cancer as best we know since the tumor was all removed... yay!!! Yet as a 28 year old, chemo is still essential for us to know with  certainty that I can be declared cancer free. I do wish I had a fast forward button to that day though!  -I have been recovering quite well, feeling good overall! There are naturally some hard moments that can lead to harder days, or moments when I am just not feeling "with it" but I can't complain too much when I feel so grateful. I am a little over the three week marker out of surgery & I am continuing on with the reconstruction process weekly. -I meet with oncology at the end of this week to discuss the chemo & hopefully get it scheduled. That seems to be the most common question I’m asked -- when will you start treatment? Soon we hope. The sooner I start, the sooner I'm on the other side of it!

How sweet it has been to rest in the Lord... I cannot fathom this process without His strength & peace. The Lord's strength in particular has been something I have been even more aware of in recent days. Normally, I am a lay-low, mind my own business type of introvert. I don't generally "put it all out there" to most. This season of life has certainly been a test of that characteristic for me. I have always liked to look as though I have it all together (which is completely NOT the case), with a barrier put up that reinforces my privacy & my own little world; it has always just felt easier that way, to avoid being vulnerable in any way, to anyone. But the other night during our life group time, we discussed vulnerability. We were wrapping up the series "Goliath Must Fall" by Louie Giglio.

"Weaknesses don't come out in the light, but in the dark." Louie discussed how challenging it is to be vulnerable, and woah, I totally agree. But here was his spin on it... the word vulnerable is made up of the sweet & redeeming word able. He said that in your vulnerability, you are able with Christ. Where David was weak in his own physical strength, he walked out to meet Goliath, strong & triumphant because of the Lord.

"But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

This is scripture that I have recently been dwelling on these last few weeks, but by no mistake, it resurfaced & was highlighted during this study to remind me once again:  it's okay to vulnerable. As a matter of fact, I've come to realize it's necessary. Again as someone who has always wanted to appear strong, tough, or independent, the Lord has been wiping that away & revealing to me that His strength is what matters. His strength is so much better than my own measly & minuscule power.I hate that cancer had to be my realization of a truth that I have always been taught or had heard, but had never before really experienced.

During my conversations with people (FYI - when you have cancer, it tends to be your most common topic of conversation! Haha), I keep referencing this total oxymoron, that this diagnosis & journey has been a sweet slap to the face. Cancer will send you into a tailspin; no matter the type, grade, stage, size, age, whatever. It stinks. BUT I know that the Lord has some mighty big lessons to teach me through this & one of those has centered around how amazing & unbelievably perfect His strength is compared to my own. So I encourage you to embrace vulnerability. Your weakness may not be mine, but no matter the circumstance, weakness in our flesh just allows the Lord to shine brighter through His strength being used in us. The week before in our life group study, Louie Giglio shared this: "That's what people around you want to see... How does God deliver you from this?" I'm anxious to see myself... :)

All my love from my pink chapter, Erin

[mypinkchapter]

Recovery & Laughs.

One of the biggest ventures in this journey can now be checked off -- surgery!

Disclaimer: my thoughts for this week on the blog won't have any really great insights, but you might have some laughs with me along the way... embarrassing for me to say because I want Jesus to shine above all & this to fully glorify Him, but I also want to be human with those reading these words & for one day when I look back & share this with Elly, so let me fill in some truths from my last week & let you see how cool Jesus was throughout.

Truth #1: I thought in this time of rest & recovery I would fill my moments in the recliner with lots of reading -- reading my Bible, reading my new Lysa TerKeurst book, reading the novel I checked out from my the library that's been at the top of my "to-read" list... but you know what? I haven't read a single page. It makes me laugh honestly because what I pictured as recovery for myself, basically consisting of lots of leisurely & encouraging reading, has actually been filled with me on medication that has made me so groggy that I've napped, napped, & napped some more. Like drool-worthy, crazy dream naps! Just one more reason the Lord has placed some of the best folks in my path, to share scripture & encouragement with me when I haven't had the ability of sorts to do that for myself. Thank you, sweet Lord, for letting those stand in the gap for me these last several days -- to feed me with truths & encouragement of Your love, mercies, & hope.

Truth #2: I've never had surgery before. Wisdom teeth removal doesn't count to medical professionals, just FYI. So, this girl was an amateur! I remember looking at the sweet anesthesiologist & said, "Are you giving me the good stuff?" & that was all she wrote. Out! I was terrified I would wake up & act like those viral videos you see of folks talking out of their minds, but nope... I woke up feeling refreshed & like I'd had a great nap! Obviously there was soreness, but the surgery itself, should anyone ever have to endure the same kind, it's for sure do-able. Thank you, sweet Lord, for every set of hands that played a part in this. You gifted me with probably two of the kindest surgeons/people I've ever met & their nurses have been nothing short of incredible.

Truth #3: I'll leave this one to be only a short story, which I know won't be short because I don't know how to be short, but it's been comical looking back on... so, when surgery wrapped up & the initial recovery for me upstairs was over, rather than heading to a lovely hospital room to be greeted by my precious husband, parents, & Gran, who would tend to my every tiny need & get me whatever snack, drink, or dinner my heart desired from the greater Jonesboro area, I was wheeled to the basement of the hospital. Y'all, the basement. It makes me crack up all over to remember them telling me they were taking me to the basement; here's why -- the hospital was full. The basement was not a bad area by any means, but it was me & well, like 15 other hospital beds with patients all coming out of surgery. Lined up, side by side, no curtains. Just all of us recovering together, some recovering better than others. So, how you wait on a table at a full restaurant, in your order of arrival, I waited for a hospital room. Now let me say, I was wheeled by the waiting room to see my sweet group of cheerleaders really quickly & them to tell me my preliminary lymph node results were CLEAR (ahhhh! THANK YOU, JESUS!), but that was it -- a 7 second greeting & cheer! Then an over 5 hour wait. No cell phone, no TV, no family. Just me very coherently hanging out with nurses, unable to nap because it was Grand Central Station with folks coming in from surgery constantly, while lying on a very flat ER bed for five hours after undergoing a pretty massive surgery. It was not funny in the moment. Not funny, not funny, not funny! But now, it sort of is... One of our sweet pastors that stayed updated on me throughout the day from Ryan, called him late afternoon while I was still of course in the basement, & he said, "Ahhh, there's no room in the inn." Haha! Thank you, sweet Lord, for the precious ladies that watched over me that afternoon, that stayed hours & hours over their shifts to take care of me & those other patients. Thank you for teaching me patience & humility, even when I wasn't in the most receptive mood. And thank you, Jesus, that I was eventually joined back to my family & had a big, comfy, end room, five hours later.

Truth #4: What should be truth #1, but my husband. Oh my heavens, my husband. I fully believe Ryan Gibson was crafted for me by the Lord himself. He has loved me so good for nine years now, six in marriage, but let me just say: when a woman is diagnosed with breast cancer, so is her husband, her children, her parents, her family, & her friends. My husband in this past month though has been the model man that every woman could ever deserve. I do not deserve him & the love that he has demonstrated; it is purely the love of Jesus in him. Yes, he has cheered me on, encouraged me with truths, shared medical knowledge from his background with me, entertained Elly when I wasn't able to, sat with me while tears fell, & distracted me with lots of laughs, but y'all, until you have been in a similar situation of literally becoming helpless -- my upper body post-surgery has pretty well been useless up until the last day or so -- it has opened up a new realm of love I didn't know existed in marriage. Sure, I've been sick before. I'm pretty positive living through food poisoning with me about did him a few years ago, but cancer & surgery... bless him. I am probably one of the most modest women I've ever known, but that has had to fly out the window with this & that's been really hard for me. Ryan has met that with complete humor & keeping things so light-hearted. So many moments this past week that would bring tears otherwise, tears of pain, tears of embarrassment, tears of unknown, Ryan has met with only the charm he has that is perfectly perfect for me & keeps my tears at bay. Quite simply, thank you, sweet Lord, for your gift of marriage & my precious, selfless helpmate, Ryan.

Truth #5: I have the world's best parents. Elly had a stay-cation with Nana & Pop. She ruled the roost & kept those two busy, busy, busy! They stepped in to love on & 100% take care of our child for the past week. Elly’s world stayed as normal as functionally possible & that was such a relief. We had a FaceTime session every night but she was usually too occupied with Nana & Pop to care much for us. We had to beg for sugars & a “night night” every night! What a blessing that was to be such a seamless process. Thank you, sweet Lord, for demonstrating Your perfect love through my dear parents. Thank you for blessing me with two of the greatest individuals I have ever known, to learn from.

Truth #6: Dr. Dicocco, my surgeon, yesterday at my follow-up appointment asked me, "Do you know everyone in & around Jonesboro?" I laughed & said I didn't think so. She told in the past week she has had countless people tell her thank you for taking such good care of Erin Gibson. Y'all... I've said it so many times & I'll say again, Jesus has purposefully planted every person in & around my path, preparing me for this. I know it, without a shadow of doubt. People to most importantly pray & I would swear that I have some of the most solid prayer warriors that ever were, but people again to encourage us & love on us in very practical ways. We have been fed every single night & even many days at lunchtime. That has meant the world to us & truth be known, there have been days I was living for the yummy food I had coming that night! We have started to receive financial help from fundraisers to make such a huge dent in our medical expenses and that is something we can't thank anyone enough for. We have been so honored in seeing people physically showing their support by wearing pink or Team Erin. We just don't even know how to process it all & it will probably take a long time to do just that, but I will never forget the love shown to us. Thank you, sweet Lord, that you have been so purposeful in my life to create a support system like I could have never dreamed. Thank you, Lord, that so many of those in our lives love You & have demonstrated Your love toward us. I pray that I could love in the same way we have been shown.

I'll end on the the fact that I received the best "grade" & smiley face that I've gotten ever gotten on a report: we learned yesterday that I am officially Stage I! A huge answered prayer! Treatment will continue as planned - 4 tough rounds of chemo for 2 months & 12 lighter rounds of chemo for 3 months - but we are ready for every step to come. I know, because I have asked lots of questions of many knowledgeable folks, that there are some hard & ugly days ahead with chemo, but you know what? There are going to be some great & really fun days ahead too, and I'd bet more of those than the bad or ugly! May Jesus be glorified in every day that is to come for us.

All my love from my pink chapter,  Erin

[mypinkchapter]

Go Time.

Tomorrow morning is surgery day! It has been a roller coaster past week awaiting surgery. I say awaiting very loosely because it has all happened so quickly, which has been a huge blessing; waiting is tough! Last week consisted of seeing one surgeon Tuesday, one surgeon Wednesday, pre-admission testing on Thursday, & seeing my oncologist Friday. I am confident that God hand-picked each sweet doctor & nurse to be a part of this team. 

Friday was my toughest day yet (minus the initial news), but I know it is a day that the Lord still used to demonstrate His love & His hand in this whole situation. Walking into a cancer center as a 28 year old patient... quite simply, it was not easy. But, a very simple revelation came to me that afternoon. God is bigger & far greater than any moment or circumstance. 

All credit goes to Jesus & I am so thankful to rest in His perfect peace during this storm. I have found some truths along this journey that are keeping me encouraged & perhaps the Lord desires for someone else to hear them as well. 

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28

God will accomplish good even when life doesn't feel good or look good. -Lysa Terkeurst

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is perfected in weakness.' Therefore, I will most gladly boast all the more about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may reside in me." 2 Corinthians 12:9

"The Lord himself will lead & be with you. He will not fail you or abandon you, so do not lose courage or be afraid." Deuteronomy 31:8

Jesus never asked anyone to play it safe. We were born to be brave. -Bob Goff

As we head into surgery tomorrow morning, I feel so encouraged & covered in prayer. Between precious family, dear friends, the Manila community, the Riverside School District, and our sweet church family, a church family that demonstrated James 5:14-16 over Ryan & I today, the Lord has completely filled me with His peace. So thank you, Jesus, & let's get this pesky tumor gone!

A specific prayer that we would appreciate would be that as they remove the tumor tomorrow, that it will be in only this one spot & not have spread to the lymph nodes. This is what we desperately hope for, but also trust if that's not the news we receive. 

Updates soon & thank you for the prayers! 

"Because He lives, I can face tomorrow. Because He lives, all fear is gone. Because I know he holds the future, and life is worth the living just because He lives." All my love from my pink chapter, Erin 

[mypinkchapter]

Tuesdays.

Some of the biggest leaders in my support system -- my husband (Ryan) & my mom -- encouraged me to blog through this journey of breast cancer. As an English teacher, I know the therapeutic value of writing; it seemed like the perfect idea.

This journey began one Tuesday night. It was Spring Break. A little pause & adding in some backstory: Spring Break for us this year was not a normal "happy" time. Our daughter (Elly, 18 months) was on week six of some unexplained infection of the knee which had been essentially immobilizing. That particular Monday & Tuesday of Spring Break was the lowest of lows as we were anticipating a Friday appointment in Memphis. I was wishing the whole week away to arrive at Friday; I was so over watching my child suffer in pain. At that point, it felt like we were looking at something permanently or seriously wrong with our sweet girl. I have never felt as desperate as I did in those days to the Lord. I needed healing for her. So, we ramped up prayer & did our best to lean into the Lord in those very hard moments. In those particular days, I told Ryan I had never experienced prayer in such a way & not long after, we saw complete healing in Elly. I had NO remote concept of what the Lord was doing through that time, but it is just one of the examples of His perfect timing in all of this.

Which brings me back to Tuesday night of Spring Break. On the evening of March 19, I did my first ever self breast exam while in the shower. Something prompted me. It was like a voice told me, "Erin, check." I even thought to myself, "As if something could actually be wrong? I'm 28." But I did check. Now, I know where that voice came from. I truly, fully, without a shadow of a doubt believe that was the Lord's prompting. Again, His timing. I noticed something there, higher up on my chest, almost like it was on my chest muscle. Ryan & I both wanted to err on the side of caution so I booked an appointment with my OB for that next week.

The following Monday I saw my OB & she said she did feel a little something there, but didn't say much over it all. She said since we couldn't see in there, that we would schedule an ultrasound of both breasts. I was so fortunate that there happened to be a spot the next day, which was Tuesday morning. I wasn't quite sure how to feel as I left -- a little scared but also thankful we would know for sure soon.

On Tuesday morning, during the ultrasound, something in my gut told me things weren't quite right. I was uneasy. I watched as they took 57 pictures; I knew they would be thorough but I felt that ​that was probably more than just being thorough. The radiologist came in to show me that they had found something, right where I had said I felt something. Our next step would be a biopsy on the following Tuesday.

That was a lonnng week between the ultrasounds & biopsy. I dreaded that biopsy more than I can even say. Naturally, I did not want something to be wrong & I felt like we kept having to prolong this situation, so reality was starting to settle in at that point. I told very few people so it was all stirring inside & the topic that consumed too many of thoughts. We felt like if we didn't have to say it, then maybe it would all be okay; maybe we wouldn't have to tell anyone anything about any of this because it would come back fine. So we waited after the biopsy on that Tuesday, living for good news on Friday after 3pm.

In the midst of these three weeks, the Lord was working on my my heart. I was coming to grips with the fact that this could be cancer. The odds & statistics were in my favor, but I knew in my heart of hearts, that something still didn't feel right deep down. The news came on Thursday afternoon.

It is one of the moments in my life I will never forget. To hear, to actually hear it said aloud, the nasty c-word was more real & debilitating than I have ever experienced. The words cancer, carcinoma, the really ugly word aggressive, & the sweet lady delivering the words through tears herself over the phone.

Our good friend, Ryne, had shared during our life group meeting on the Sunday before my biopsy (none of them knowing since we had kept it so private), a practical way that he thought of glorifying the Lord. He had said to him that the term glorifying the Lord was to make the Lord look good in all circumstances. That resonated with me & had been my prayer in the days of waiting, "Lord, if this is your plan for me, then let me make You look good in the midst of it all." So, the answer was made known then that this was going to be how I could glorify the Lord, through a breast cancer journey.

I could write for days on end, seriously continuously write & write & write, about how incredible the outpouring of love & support. Incredible isn't even the right word -- maybe unbelievable -- to describe the love my family & I have been shown. I am making it my goal to document & save all the sweet words to forever cherish the sweet people that the Lord has placed in & around my path.

The Lord is so good & His plan is great. We are trusting wholly in Him & praying for complete healing. Specifically today, our prayer is to have surgery scheduled soon & that this spot is localized. So here we are today, on our fourth Tuesday from finding the spot, about to visit with my surgeon in this first step into the journey.

Updates soon & thank you for your precious prayers.

“Rejoice always, pray constantly, give thanks in everything; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

All my love from the early pages of my pink chapter,  Erin