myroyalshyness-blog1

[myroyalshyness-blog1]

Today, I fucked up...by licking something without looking.

This was about five minutes ago and I have a feeling I'm going to be disgusted for a long while. So as a bit of background, I have a large, bullmastiff dog, and for those who are unaware, they drool in copious amounts and it is a very thick and foamy type of drool. So anyway, I had just gotten off from work and sat down in my living room with a pop. I sit there for a few minutes and then go to get some food. When I get up, my finger is wet so I assumed that my pop had in fact leaked onto my hand. Unsuspecting me lifts my hand up to my face and licks it. Something isn't right with the texture though. It's almost like gelatin, nothing like a liquid. So I walk into the light and immediately see my mistake. On my hand is a large amount of dog slobber. Thick, foamy, disgusting dog slobber. I had just licked my dogs slobber off my hand. Was gagging then and am still gagging now. TL;DR: licked thick dog slobber off of my own hand because I was too stupid to look before I licked.

[myroyalshyness-blog1]

I wonder if anyone else was unaware that pillows can expire, because I've been using the same pillow since I was born. That is almost 19 years. So apparently a new pillow is about 18 years overdue.

[myroyalshyness-blog1]

Circumstantial Anonymity

Are you ever been confused about whether you were tired as in needing rest or tired as in just unable to continue dealing with everyone? For me they feel the same some days. Most of the time I sleep because it's just easy. It's a way to be left alone even though that isn't what I really want. Being alone is necessary though, because even though all I have is words, for some reason I can't use them with my own friends. "I am tired." This is what they believe. This is the only place where my words won't fail me. This is what I can think but not say. This is where I'm glad anonymity exists in some forms, as circumstantial as that may be.

[myroyalshyness-blog1]

Falling for You

Note: this is just a single part of a dream I had. I lived out over three months of life in that dream and here is a section of it. I found out that there were two new students at school all because I am a major klutz. Being me, I drop everything, all the time. So I'm walking into the auditorium and have a couple papers in my hands, and of course I trip and throw my papers everywhere the whole time thinking "shit, I know I'm going to hit the ground with this one, there's no saving myself now". But then I feel a warm body on me, (I know what you're thinking, cliché right?) and I thought to myself "did I hit my head on the ground? I don't remember landing? Why am I so warm? I can't even see." I move my hands to see where I am and I feel arms, I am so confused. They release me from their grasp and I realize I am looking at someone's chest. I finally look up and see someone I've never seen before. He has a genuine look of concern on his face due to me almost face planting for no reason. And then I hear a slight chuckle that they try to cover with a fake cough. I glance behind this mysterious newcomer and find someone who looks to be slightly older than the first but is clearly related to him. He stalks towards me reaching out with his hands and I start to back away but then realize he had picked up the papers I threw everywhere. I whisper a thanks to him still a little peeved that he laughed. The one who had caught me glares at the other and finally turns back to me. "Hi, I'm Taylor, and this is my older brother Austin, and who might you be?" "Uh...I'm Alex(glances at the ground)....th-thanks...Taylor...f-for ya know, catching me" I stammered. He says "No problem, I knew some pretty girl here would fall for me but I didn't think it would be so literal." I just stare at him for a few seconds so I can process and then I nervously laugh a little. But then I soon realize that we are standing in the middle of the aisle and start to move away. He catches me by the shoulder and asks if we could sit together since they don't know anyone besides me and he also says that he wants to make sure that I don't fall for anyone else. (Ha ha very clever right?)I search for any sign of help from my friends but they are already in their seats and are watching me like this is a scene from a movie. Obviously not getting help from them, so I just say okay and we sit in the back together with me in between the two brothers. Awkward me can't even focus on whatever is going on in the auditorium now because of Taylor and Austin, but mainly Taylor. Did I mention these two were beautiful creatures? Because they were. They weren't "perfect" but they had what I would call adorable flaws. Now, they were both beautiful but Taylor was more my type than Austin. Taylor was tall with dark chocolate hair and eyes the color of the sea. He had this gorgeously impish smile and one cute dimple right beside it. His brother, Austin, was more rugged. He was all sharp angles and he had a fierce yet calming look to him. His eyes said sarcastic but his body said fighter. Sitting between these two beautiful creatures made me feel awesome and yet also made me feel a bit frumpy. Awesome because here I was sitting next to my hot savior and his rugged brother and frumpy because, well, who could sit next to these beautiful people and not feel a little self conscious? For the first twenty minutes(at least I think, time got a little fuzzy during this) none of us said anything, Taylor would steal glances at me, (and I at him of course, just with more secrecy) and then have an "eye conversation" with his brother. After those very awkward twenty-ish minutes Austin decided to do something to break the ice. He chose to do one of those cliché fake yawns and stretch his arm behind me. So far Taylor hadn't noticed and neither did I since I am always oblivious. I only noticed when he actually put his arm on me and pulled me over and leaned my head on his should and whispered "Taylor doesn't have to be the only one you fall for today." Being me, I couldn't even form a coherent sentence and just sat there stunned. Taylor finally noticed and looked hard at his brother and growled "knock it off, don't even pretend you're her type." I finally find my voice and retort " and who are you to say who is or is not my type? I literally just met you. Please, do go on, tell me more about me since you know so much already." (Apparently with my voice came back all my sass and sarcasm.) "wow, she has a voice AND a personality, I like her." Says Austin to his brother. Taylor looks a little stunned by what I said, he obviously hadn't expected me to reply like that. He finally found his own words and said, " I might not know you now, but I would love to get the chance to." And then there's me, once again at a loss for words. (I guess I should mention at this point that I have never dated, or had someone interested in me so of course I have no idea what to say) thank goodness I don't have to think of anything because they release us from the auditorium. Or at least that's what I was hoping, but of course, he calls my name before I have the chance to run away and asks me to meet him at locker 274 after school. I reluctantly agree because it's the least I could do considering he saved me from a possible broken nose earlier. His face lights up and he smiles that adorable smile and walks out before I can. Austin is just standing behind me smirking. I ask "and what do you think is so funny?" His reply still had me seething throughout the rest of the day. "Oh, just this sudden infatuation he has for you(I'm confused because I apparently missed all those "subtle" hints which goes back to me being oblivious). He does this at every school we have been to and it never lasts long. She always ruins it. You are just going to be another screwup that's going to jack around with him and I refuse to let it happen." Things had gotten serious real fast. I had just met these people and I was already confused, angry, and giddy all at the same time. God, what was happening to me? The rest of the day was a blur, I ignored my friends for the most part because I wasn't sure I wanted to talk to them about earlier even though they all wanted to know. Finally 3:20 rolls around and I rush to my locker. I think to myself "maybe I won't meet him. It's not like I actually have to, right?" But then I remember what his brother had said. He doesn't even know me and just assumed I would mess with his brothers feelings, and then I realized that if I didn't meet Taylor then I would be doing exactly that, I would prove Austin right. No way in hell was I going to do that. I make my way to his locker but then pause. Some blonde is talking to him. She is what you would call "popular" which basically means she is a size two with layers of makeup that weigh more than she does. She is fake laughing and probably trying to ask him out. "Why am I nervous? Is this jealousy? Why the hell am I jealous? It's not like we are dating, I don't even know him." I am about to walk away until he looks up and sees me standing there. He can tell that I am debating what to do so he decides for me. He completely blows off this blonde(which she isn't happy about) and closes the gap between us. "Um...hello" I say slowly. (Looks nervously to the ground, avoiding eye contact) "hi, I didn't think you were going to show up, but I'm really glad you did, I wanted to talk to you without my brother around." I choke out the words, "oh? Uh what about?" He says,"I wanted to talk about you, or rather have you tell me about yourself." Unsure about what to say I just look around and say nothing. He continues, " I think you look like an interesting person and I want to get to know you, is that okay? And you're also adorable, but that's just an added bonus(proceeds with another adorable laugh). So I want to set up a time for us to talk to each other, one on one, in a non-school setting." I'm currently amazed and stutter "you...want to go...on a date? With me? Are you sure? Why not the blonde, she clearly liked you and wanted you to ask her out." "She was boring, there are thousands of fake people like her everywhere, I want someone real, someone like you" (the last part of his sentence was quieter than the rest, but I happened to catch it.) At this point in time I'm certain I am turning about fifty shades of red right now due to the compliments. I hate compliments, they fluster me and leave me without words. He cocks his head and is looking at me. "Did I say something wrong?" He asks. "Uh no, it's just that no one has ever really taken this kind of interest in me before" I say. He states "that is ridiculous, I don't even know you yet and I already think you are amazing." After a few more awkward exchanges(well awkward on my part anyway) he decides that he is going to take me to the park that day whether I said yes or no. He grabs me by the hand and pulls me along beside him, I am currently helpless to escape after being bombarded by those compliments. Before I know it we are in his car traveling towards the park. Silence fills the car. Thank god it's only a couple minutes until we arrive. We get a parking spot and he asks me not to move. I sit there dazed and confused while he gets out of the car. I watch as he walks around the front of the car and I can't help but think " oh my god, he isn't going to do what I think he is" he gets to my side of the car ("oh god, he is isn't he?") and opens the door. I move to get out. Huge mistake. I go too fast and realize too late that I didn't unbuckle my seatbelt. I am soon jerked back into my seat with such sudden force that I momentarily forget where I am and what I'm doing.("why am I such a klutz?") "Oh god, are you okay?" He asks with a bit of urgency. "Yeah, I think so, I guess I'm just a little...nervous" I say. He reaches across me and unbuckles my seatbelt for me(great, another awkward moment, like I need more of those today) and helps me out of the car making sure I don't have anymore painful accidents. We stroll around the park for a bit and like we agreed, we talked. He starts off by asking me a question that I hate when people ask me. He asks why I don't like compliments. I mumble, "I don't know, I just never have." Well he apparently didn't accept that as an answer because he asked me again. I decide it would be easier if I just explained it instead of repeatedly not answering. So I explained that, " I don't like compliments because I don't think I deserve them. They could be completely simple and yet I don't want them. They make me feel awkward and leave me with nothing left to say. I am known for my witty retorts and yet when someone compliments me I am left blank. I don't like that feeling. Even though someone may mean well by saying something nice it doesn't even seem true. Why would someone compliment me? Look at me. I am bland." Through this small rant I didn't not look at him because I didn't want to see the judging look in his eyes that people always give me when I explain this. I never want to explain it anymore because people always judged me by it and then some would even claim I was fishing for compliments by saying that I don't deserve them. Once I was done explaining I looked to where he should have been walking next to me but I didn't see him. I turned around and saw that he had stopped about six steps ago and was just looking at me. I thought, "here it comes, the judging look and the eventual disinterest." But that isn't what happened. He slowly looks up at me and says, " I'm sorry that you feel that way. I'm not trying to embarrass you when I compliment you, I just wanted you to know upfront what I thought. That's just the kind of person I am. If you don't like it though, I can adjust. I promise I won't make you feel flustered by my compliments even if I do feel that you honestly deserve all of them and more." Now me, I never feel bad for anyone. I've always been told I have no emotions. That I was a robot. Cold hearted and cruel. But I felt a twinge of what I believed to be guilt. Is it possible that I felt bad about not wanting to let him compliment me? In what world does that even make sense? All I can manage to say is, " I don't want you to think you have to change your personality to talk with me. I may not enjoy the way they make me feel, but I'm not telling you that you can't give me compliments." The rest of our conversation was easier. What's your favorite food? Movie? What's your family like? Your friends? Basic questions that people ask each other when they are getting to know each other. Out of nowhere he stops in the middle of the path. He pulls me over to a bench and asks me if I will wait here for a moment. Confused I agree to wait. I watch as he walks away about twenty feet to a tree. He looks angry. He starts talking and I realize that if I hone my hearing then I can hear what he is saying and who he is talking to.(A look of shock strikes my face)It's Austin. Taylor asks him what he is doing here following us. Austin starts to yell at Taylor asking him what the hell he is doing here with that girl(me). He says that he only came here to see why he wasn't at home, he was worried so he tracked Taylor here. Austin exclaims that I am a waste of Taylor's time. He reminds him of the past schools. Past relationships. How they were all mistakes and how I would break his heart as well. "She isn't like the others. She is different. Alex is smart, witty, awkward, and all other kinds of interesting. I think she is going to be good for me. And this is none of your business anyway! Go back home." At this point he shoves his brother and it escalates from there. It turns into a wrestling match and I realize I need to stop them before someone gets hurt. I rush over and pull one of them off the other. Of course it was Austin that I had grabbed and he quickly shakes me off of him of steps away. I then help Taylor up and glare and Austin. "What are you even doing here? Why are you picking a fight?" I ask while acting like I hadn't been listening in. He shouts, "It's none of you're damn business, why don't you go and screw with someone else instead of my brother?" This is the last straw for me. I was tired of being polite to this douche bag. You don't cuss at me and get away with it. I took two quick steps towards him and before he could even register what was happening I slapped him right across the face and asked, "Do you have anymore questions or opinions you would like to state? Because let me just point out that if you ever cuss at me again I'll do more than just slap you next time. And another thing, who your brother hangs out with is seriously none of YOUR damn business. So why don't you go home and leave us alone." He audibly growls at me but also has a look of trepidation in his eyes. I angrily stomp off in the opposite direction and go back and sit on the bench. I don't even bother to look up to see if he left yet. I was only there alone for about thirty seconds(it felt like longer though because I was fuming) before I heard a little rustling right next to me. I finally look up and have a murderous look in my eye because I assume it is Austin coming back to say something stupid, but it isn't him. Taylor is sitting on the ground by my feet instead of on the bench. He is looking up at me with a sense of awe, embarrassment, and also a bit of fear. My harsh mood mellows out and I slide off the bench to sit by him. He says, "I'm sorry about what my brother said, he really is a good person, but he has become super protective of me over the past few years." He apologizes a few more times and I tell him he has nothing to apologize for. He goes on to tell me about his past relationships and how they ended. It's no wonder his brother doesn't trust me. Those girls were all cheaters, liars, and fakes. I told Taylor that it made me happy that he thought I was different from them. Afterwards we just sat there on the ground, not saying anything. Just enjoying each other's company. Eventually, he stood up and held out his hand to help me up. I decided to accept it, but then neither of us let go. We just walked back to the car hand in hand, equally oblivious. He drove me home and said he would see me at school tomorrow. We said our goodbyes and parted ways. The next day guess who's face was the first I got to see? Freaking Austin. As I was walking out my front door that morning to go to school, a car pulls up in my driveway. I stand there confused for a second and then make my way to the driver side. Someone steps out and it takes me a second to register who it is. The douche bag that thought it was okay to cuss at me. Immediately my temper flares up and I get ready to say a few nasty things to him, but he simply puts up his hands in a sign of surrender. I pause and choke back what I was about to say. He looks me in the eyes and steps forward until he is about an arms length always from me. "I'm sorry about yesterday, all of it. What I said at the school and at the park was wrong of me. I shouldn't make assumptions about someone that I don't even know. Can we start over? Please? It would mean a lot to me if you said yes. I don't enjoy being rude to people, especially girls with enough guts to break up a fight like that and then slap someone.(he chuckles slightly)" stunned by what is happening, I say, " I won't apologize for slapping you, but I don't blame you for making assumptions. Taylor told me about the others and what they did. I understand how you feel. We can start over, but that promise I made at the park still stands. If you ever talk to me like that again I'll do more than slap you." He just gazes appreciatively/respectfully at me and nods his head in agreement. With no more talk of that needed, he asks me if I would like a ride to school. I decide that it is the first step towards him being nicer to me, so I accept. And it turns out that he is actually a lot like me. We enjoy the same music, and he even likes anime. He is like the male incarnation of me. So we end up riding all the way to school together, ranting about our favorite anime the whole way. Once we are there and parked he tells me that I should go back to locker 274 right now and wait for Taylor. Astounded that he would even want me meeting with his brother I feel the need to ask why. His reply was, "it would make Taylor really happy if you were there when he got to school, it would make him feel like you do want to hang out with him. I figured me telling you to go there would be the only way since you are basically the queen of awkward." " Wow, thanks friend" I said with a bit a sarcasm but I also meant it. Five minutes later, here I am standing at his locker wondering what is going on with my life. Two gorgeous guys fall into my hands. One of them seems to like me for some reason that I can't figure out,("and I think I might like him too" says my deep subconscious) and his older brother had hated me but now seems to like me as well. When I imagine that things couldn't possibly get any weirder I feel a hard tap on my shoulder. I turn around and see that preppy blonde from the other day. She introduced herself as Kenzie. Immediately all she wanted to ask about was, who would have thought, Taylor. "What did you guys talk about yesterday?" "Where did you go?" "Are you like boyfriend and girlfriend now?" "Did you hold hands already?" Now I am not one for divulging things to people without reason. However this time I made an exception. I put on my best "bitch in love face" and told her we had an amazing time walking through the park, hand in hand, sharing jokes and enjoying each other's time(adding small details here and there of course). Then I went on to explain how we both enjoyed ourselves so much that we couldn't wait to do it again, that we had already set up another date for today at the movies. She scoffs at me and basically just looks pissed and jealous at the same time. We glare at each other for a few seconds, me with a smile and her with a look of doom. Then someone steps up behind me and says "Well hey there pretty lady." (Of course they couldn't be talking to me so I just wait for Kenzie to reply.) "Excuse me Katie, I believe this beautiful creature has been awaiting my arrival."(the name Katie sounded forced which led me to believe he said the wrong name on purpose) He then proceeds to grab me by the hand from behind and spin me into his embrace(man this guy is cliché). "Katie" stomps off and I stand there awkwardly. (did I mention I generally hate hugs?) Since he didn't seem too keen to release me I (somewhat robotically) place my arms around him. He whispers in my ear "I'm glad you were here to meet me this morning, but I was unaware we had made plans for a movie already." At this I push off of him, turn a strawberry red, and start to mumble about how I was just trying to make that girl mad and didn't mean to be so presumptuous. Taylor just gracefully tucks his thumb under my chin and tips my face up so that we could lock eyes. He whispers, "If you'll have me, I'd love to go see a movie with you for real." I realize that I would actually love to watch a movie with him, but I decide to put my own twist on it. I tell him, " How about we both pick out one movie, and then watch them together? You can tell a lot about someone from what movies they pick out." A genuine smile spreads across his face and he exclaims that it is a great idea. I can't help but return the smile, his is just so contagious. While we are grinning at each other like a couple of goobers we hear the final bell ring and I start to leave. I turn back to him and tell him we should have lunch together today. He smile grows impossibly large at this and he nods his head to me and turns to leave. With an almost giddy feeling, I make it through the first four classes of my day fairly easily considering they are generally torture. The bell rings to release us to lunch and I go to my locker to put my books up. As I rummage through my bag at my locker, someone sneaks up behind me, puts their hands on my shoulders and scares the shit out of me.(most people are aware that I reflexively/accidentally punch or slap whomever chooses to sneak up on me from behind, apparently they were not) I swing back my fist and smack them right in the middle of their torso. Apparently it wasn't one of the usual skinny twigs that do this because all I hit was solid muscle. I turn around cradling my hand and am shocked to see that it is in fact Austin behind me. He snickers and ask if I usually go around punching people, and then with a more serious tone, asks me if I actually did hurt my hand because I did hit him pretty hard. I had forgotten all about my hand because I was too busy catching my breath from that scare. I finally look down at it and realize it is shaking entirely too much for even my usual amount and is bright red where I had hit him with it. Austin's face turns serious and he pulls my hand into the light so he can look at it. He gingerly prods it and watches me as I wince each time. Austin grabs my other hand and tells me to follow him(which doesn't need to be said considering he is pulling me anyway). Instead of taking me to the nurses office like any normal person would, he takes us both into the boys bathroom where he proceeds to run cold water on my hand and tells me we are going to hold it here for five or ten minutes so it doesn't swell. He immediately apologizes for scaring me like that and says he didn't know I was going to punch him at all let alone that hard. I laugh a clear and genuine laugh and tell him he's fine. "You didn't do anything wrong, a lot of guys do that to me, I just swung a little too hard this time" he just looks at me and smirks, "So then a lot guys just go around touching you huh? Wow, didn't know you were like that, ha ha." I blush and then play punch him with my good hand and go on to say, "Oh yeah, they are always surprising me and grabbing me from behind." We just look at each other for a moment and then can't help ourselves and bust out laughing, him leaning on a sink and me doubled over almost unable to stand. He leans over and helps me regain my footing and then looks at me and asks, "You are the most awkward person I've ever met, you can't handle compliments, you are a klutz, and private conversations are difficult for you, and yet here you are in the boys bathroom and that doesn't faze you in the least? How can you stand next to unfamiliar urinals and crack jokes like you're in your bedroom?" All I can think of to reply is, "Oh, I don't know, it doesn't really bother me, it's not like I'm doing anything personal or serious in here, I'm just soothing my hand and cracking jokes with a friend." Amazed he just nods his head and looks like he understands. Unaware of how much time has passed since we had went into the bathroom, he decides to check my hand. He tells me it won't swell but it will most likely bruise pretty bad. I just snort and say, "I could have lightly tapped you and still bruised it, I bruise WAY too easily." I then exclaim "oh shit! I was supposed to have lunch with your brother, oh hell, I don't even know where he usually eats lunch." I'm currently laughing but also worried that Taylor will think I stood him up. Austin just chuckles and tells me he will take me to his brothers usual spot. We half walk and half jog to where we will find Taylor because we had apparently been in the bathroom together for almost 25 minutes which means we only had about 15 minutes left for lunch. Thank god his usual spot wasn't that far away otherwise we would have never made it. We race to his spot(which just so happens to be underneath my favorite tree on the entire school grounds, it has beautiful pink flowers all across its branches) and we find him casually waiting for us. When he sees me cradling my hand and Austin next to me, he assumes something bad happened considering how long it had taken us to arrive. Taylor stands up and pulls me away from his brother and asks what Austin did. Trying (and failing) to not bust out in more laughter I tell him Austin didn't do anything wrong except scare the shit out of me and then go on to explain what transpired in the bathroom with Austin tuning in to add little bits that I either hadn't noticed or didn't remember. Soon after Taylor started laughing with us. By the time we finished laughing at ourselves it was time to go back inside. We all started back in together, actually enjoying each other's company. Then Austin took off to his next class and it was just Taylor and I. Taylor went ahead and walked me to math. When we got to the room, he leaned real close and whispered "Don't forget to pick out a movie, I'll come pick you up at 5 tonight." And then he just walks off. Being me, I had already decided what movie to pick. I was going to bring "The Hot Chick" because that movie is hilarious and weird which is basically what I am. So off I go through the last of my classes, and hurrying home just waiting to grab my movie. A few hours later Taylor is knocking on my door, waiting for me to come outside. We hop in his car and then at the same time we're both just like "so what movie did you pick??" We look at each other and just start cracking up because it was so in synch. After we're done laughing I say what I picked and he just looks at me. His face slowly spreads into this huge cheesy grin and he's just like "I LOVE that movie, it's so fun to watch." He then gets serious and he says, "please tell me you like Harry Potter" and I just reply "uh duh? Only losers don't like Harry Potter. I even have a favorite one of the whole series." He tells me that he does too and it's the one he picked out to watch today. So to see how in synch we actually are, I have him say his at the same time as me. I count down and then at the same time you just hear "Prisoner of Azkaban" and it's literally the greatest moment ever. We just feel our connection growing with each thing we learn about each other. We have some casual movie conversation the rest of the way to his house. We finally arrive and are just so stoked to go watch some great movies together. We pop some popcorn and then decide to watch it in Taylor's room since Austin is out in the living room watching something. We'll be laying on the bed together, and of course, little ole me can't stand being that close to people. Plop me down that close to someone and I just become hyper aware of every single breath I take, every breath they take, every slight movement. And then there's Taylor whose whole purpose at that moment might as well have to been to sit as close as possible to me. I didn't want to be rude and just shove away from him but I also wanted to enjoy my night. Well I knew there were certain ways I could manage to be that close to a person and not have an anxiety attack so I just maneuvered myself as best I could and got comfy (The position was basically just us sitting up, legs stretched out, my arm behind the small of his back and my head tipped on his shoulder, and his arm around my shoulder; a pretty basic position, but about all I could do). It was still awkward for me but I eventually stopped fussing about it and got sucked into "The Hot Chick". We were cracking up; me wheezing and unable to breathe, him with a crystal clear genuine laugh. It was amazing. By the time the movie was over my ribs hurt from laughing at the movie, and at each other. Well he gets up to switch out the movies and my first thought was basically "fuck it, I can't sit up like this anymore, I need to lay down and actually be comfortable." So I get under the covers, fluff up the pillows, mentally prepare myself for him to lay super close to me like I know he will, and settle myself in for the next movie. Well, he walks back and takes one look at me and chuckles. I'm currently covered up to my chin in blankets, have stolen all of the pillows except one, and looked like I owned the place. I sheepishly look back at him and say that this is how I get comfy. He laughs again and says, "it's fine, it just gives me an excuse to lay extra close to you." He then LITERALLY hops into the bed, nearly landing on me, and wiggles his way under the blanket. At this point, we are both laying on our sides facing each other. Very awkward to say the least. So I turn myself so I'm flat on my back and not looking directly at him, of course he then feels the need to move and decides to put one of his arms underneath me and one over the top and lock them together on the other side. (I feel like I'm suffocating.) I stiffen and look at him and I guess I had this weird look in my eyes because he looks concerned. So instead of explaining anything I force a laugh and say "I can't see over your arm if you put it there, I won't be able to watch the movie." So he just moves his top arm without questioning me and then I could finally breathe. I didn't feel like I was trapped. The movie starts and we don't really talk during this one, which was apparently not a good decision. I had no idea how tired I was, and I was so comfortable, and so warm. Well, not knowing what was about to happen, I shifted onto my side and rested my head on his chest so I could still see the movie. I fell asleep within twenty minutes of turning that direction. Now, most people in this situation would perhaps wake up the girl whenever the movie ended. Well not him. He decided to just keep laying there with me asleep in his arms. I woke up many hours later, it was probably about 2:30am. I looked around to see what was going on because I really couldn't move. I had somehow ended up moving in my sleep to where my head was now in the crook of his neck and one of my arms behind his head and the other splayed out across his chest. He had one hand still underneath my side and the other was resting on my arm. At this point, I really want to move because I'm literally touching all over him and it's freaking me out, but he is asleep and looks so peaceful that I don't want to wake him up and ruin it. Well my good side takes over and basically tells me to get over the touching thing and let him sleep, so I manage. I'm now unable to go back to sleep so I just lay there and look at him. I observe the curves of his face. The lines from laughing. The adorable dimple. But then something overtakes his face. His eyebrows scrunch together and his eyes are squeezed shut tight. He went from peaceful dream to horrific nightmare so fast. I quickly started shaking him and saying his name, finally managing to wake him up. His eyes are wet with tears when he wakes up and he looks utterly defeated. I have no idea what to do and he didn't look like he wanted to talk about it, so I make my move to leave. I start to sit up but he grabs me by the hand and pulls me back down and whispers "please don't leave me. I don't think I can go back to sleep if you leave me. Please. Just stay, for me." The look in his eyes shows me that at that moment he actually needs someone, and I need to be that someone. I nod and tell him I'll stay. So we just lay like that, together, until we both eventually drift off to sleep again. :TO BE CONTINUED:

[myroyalshyness-blog1]

Pretending is Always Best

Note: this is a true message I composed, but of course, everybody knows you simply cannot just choose to not rant anymore. So I've decided I'm done ranting. I don't understand what has happened to me but I'm literally a worse person for it. Before I joked around about being a bad person but I was generally joking. Now it's not even funny. I'm actually a major bitch now. Like I'm pretty sure I'm actually deep down a super touchy-feely person with plenty of real emotions, but I don't want to be that person. I can't handle being my actual self right now. I have spent too long ignoring people, myself, and emotions. I know I said that it makes me feel better but I guess it does but it also doesn't. I mean everything I've ranted about it true. I'm so tired of always being by myself, I'm tired of lots of things, I'm just tired of faking it. But I can't handle not pretending. Emotions are just too much for me to deal with. I'd rather go back to being my fake self where I never say anything about what I actually feel or think than be this person who I am now. I mean really I'm probably actually like this. I probably actually love people and love having company and love to talk about myself, but I've just trained myself to ignore anything "real". I just can't stand this version of myself and I'm sure I'll have to deal with that at some point but I don't know, I just hate it. I know that I need people and that talking about real stuff is important and better for myself. But I just don't want to need people. I don't want to be this annoying person. I mean it's literally been how long since I told you about Torin? Three weeks? Because that's pretty much when I started talking about real things. That screwed me up good. Like honestly I think if I had decided not to tell you about Torin then none of this would have ever came up. One fucking truth about me finally slips out of my mouth and now I'm tired of lying? It's ridiculous. Well anyway, it's been something like three weeks since I stopped pretending to always be "fine" or whatever, not just keeping everything to myself, and I can't stand what talking about myself is doing to me as a person. I'll just go back to pretending to rather be alone all the time than wanting to be around other people; pretending not to care; pretending not to overthink; and pretending that I don't want relationships with people. Like I mean don't want to like people but I do. I don't want to complain but I do. I don't want to be this person but I do. This person that I may or may not actually be disgusts me. I hope to god that I'm not actually like this deep down. Even if I am though, I'm not going to do anything about it anymore. I'm not going to rant. I'm not going to complain about my family. I'm not going to complain about being alone. So anyway, long story short, you can still rant to me about stuff and you can still ask me intrusive(personal)questions but I think I'm done talking about my actual self like I have been to you and anyone else. You honestly probably think I'm being stupid or a child for wanting to ignore everything and thinking I'm better off alone and not talking about things, but it's whatever. I think talking about me made me a terrible person. Or at least it showed me what I'm actually like when I actually care or try, and I just don't like it

[myroyalshyness-blog1]

It's Always Just Half

Note: this is all actual happenings and it is composed as a message/rant I sent out to one of my friends a while back. Also, excuse the foul language, I was very angry. I was literally home for twenty minutes and then was already reminded of why the fuck I hate coming home. I don't understand how no one has busted her face in at school yet because I know I sure want to. How did I get screwed into having such an psychotic bitch of a sister? Literally just in the fucking kitchen eating and she comes out of her room and it's just instant bitch mode. How do I fucking deserve shit like this? What did I do that's so fucking bad that I got stuck with one asshole sister, one tamed asshole sister, fucking stupid parents who think their dumbass druggy child is just the most perfect thing on earth? And somehow I'm the fucking asshole child who is just the worst thing ever because I forgot to do one thing while Riley can go out and get fucked up and then not say a fucking word about it. I get dirty looks for saying "Jesus Christ" and I get in trouble for having below a B+ in any class and she can get fucking expelled as a freshman, hang out with druggies and sluts, and not even get her phone fucking taken away. And I literally can't do a single fucking thing about it. I can't leave. I can't stand to stay. And everyone's always either busy or I just can't bring myself to bother them again just so I don't have to stay at my own fucking house day after day. Goddamn. Even when the house is fucking empty I still can't stand to be here anymore. I used to love being able to come home to an empty house, but that's just it. It's empty. Empty used to be fun and relaxing, now all I can do when I'm alone is think. And hate. And just slowly spiral farther and farther away from people because it just reminds me of the idiots I get to go home to everyday. It's just so sad to think that when I finally want/need lots of different people to go hang out with 24/7 it's too late. I used to have people like that. Then I just stopped caring. I got tired of listening to the rude shit my family said or did so I just blocked out everything and everyone. Lost any friends I had. Quit sports. Quit caring about anything. God forbid I fucking care now because I'm just by myself. And yes I understand that we are friends. Yeah you care and you understand up to a point. But it just doesn't seem like enough. I mean here I am typing this in my notes at 1:17pm and I probably won't even send it to you. And if I do send it, it'll either be later tonight or maybe even a couple days from now because you're with you're girlfriend right now, you'll be tired later, tomorrow you'll be hanging out with Danielle and then you go to work. Thursday is thanksgiving and it would would be super annoying and shitty of me to send something like this on a holiday, so who fucking knows if you'll ever even see this. I just don't want to bother you with more of this shit over and over again. I hate it. I just can't even fucking help it anymore. I don't understand how I've been doing this for around seven or eight years now. How the hell did I stop caring so much that I never complained about the actual stuff that was happening in my life, why can't I just go back to that state of not caring. Maybe I'll finally just give up on pretending all the time. It's just so tiring. All I ever do is pretend not to care, pretend that I don't know that everything people say about me is true, pretend it doesn't bother me, pretend I'm someone I'm not. I'm just so over being like this. Half caring about everything, half ignoring everything. Half wanting to have friends, half thinking I don't need them. Half wanting lots of things. It's always just half. I apparently don't know how to put in more than half, lost that ability years ago I guess. I just think it's fucking hilarious how not okay I actually am. How tired of being alone I am. But it doesn't even matter because I literally hate taking up other people's time just because I don't want to be at home, or by myself. Yesterday showed me that. Like I was honestly super glad that I didn't have to go to my house and be there all day even though I knew hanging at your house with Torin would be super awkward and probably boring for him. I felt so bad about you asking him to do that. And like I tried to apologize, while we were actually together in your room, for him basically having to babysit me for six hours without us talking or anything, for wasting his time like that, but I literally could not. I actually ended up texting him after he had left and like apologized like three times, and he just played it off like it was nothing. But it wasn't. It was six boring hours wasted on me. He could have done anything and it would have been better than that. And yet he acted like it didn't bother him. He made decisions based off of what he thought would be better for me. Who knows, maybe he just did it because you were the one who asked him to, maybe he is actually just too awkward to say no to something like that. It just makes me wonder what kind of person I actually am. I mean would I do this for someone. Are other people actually this nice because I have no fucking idea. God. I don't know how this went from a fucking idiot family to talking about my personal issues to talking about Torin and other people. Everything is just so wrong and I never really noticed until I actually realized I do have regular people emotions. Open up about one thing to you and now I can't ever keep anything in anymore. It's just so annoying and gross and stupid.

[myroyalshyness-blog1]

Breaking Point

...When I came to school I told you I didn't want to be alone and I didn't want to be at my house after school today. And you were like "I have to work today, but you can stay at my house until I get off if you really can't be at home". It then fast forwards to when we leave school and you try asking me about what's wrong and I'm just like "Everything but also nothing. It's just a bunch of personal shit that I don't think I can talk about out loud. It's not about my family this time it's about me. And I can't bring myself to talk about real things about me with other people." Well then we are at your house in your room and We're just laying in your room and it's kind of normal like it should be. Then you ask me again to see if I'm really not going to talk about it, and you can tell that I really want/need to but that I just can't. The internal struggle is actually visible on my face at that moment so you just let it drop, but you also know that I said I didn't want to be alone, and you didn't feel like I should be alone either. So then you tell me that you're going to leave for work now but that you texted Torin and asked him if he would come keep me company while you were at work and he agreed even though he was confused as to why. So then you leave but Torin wouldn't be there for about a half hour or an hour. So then I'm just kind of all alone in your room, just laying under the blankets, not watching tv, still thinking about everything. And then its like I finally break down. All the shit I've ignored and not thought about and pretended wasn't real finally came crashing down on me and I actually started to cry. It wasn't like a full on loud harsh cry, it was a silent cry. And it just is kind of like that for a bit and then I fall asleep. It then moves forward to when Torin gets there. Well I hear your door squeak open and wake up/sit up and see him over there. Apparently is was very obvious that I had cried because he just has this look on his face to where I could tell that he knew. And of course he asks the questions I hate the most. "Are you okay? What's wrong?" And I just look at him say "no I'm not okay, but I don't think I can talk about what's wrong." And then of course tears are welling up in my eyes again because what else could possibly happen at that moment other than the worst possible scenario right? Well then I just lay back down and close my eyes because I just couldn't handle what was happening at that moment. While I'm over there trying really hard not to cry he walks over and is like "...uhm...do you need a hug or something? I don't know how to help you." I couldn't even answer because I didn't know what was going to come out of my mouth if I tried to speak. So then he just takes it upon himself to lay down right up next to me under the blankets and is basically holding me like a child while I sob. All I manage to say is "please don't tell Evelyn." I can feel him nod so I just accept that as good enough. I didn't really care in that moment whether he would or wouldn't tell you. So then we just lay like that. Me, too defeated and embarrassed to even move away, and him, not knowing what else he's supposed to do. Well eventually we both fall asleep like that. We are asleep right up until you get back from work. You walk in your room and see us sleeping in your bed with him cradling me like that and in your head you're just like "what is even going on here?" And then out loud you say our names to wake us up/get our attention. So then we wake up and I'm really confused when I wake up. It registers that I'm a lot warmer than I should be. And then I'm like what's touching me? And then I look in front of me and realize there is a person there, wayyyy past my comfort zone. So I basically have a heart attack and break out of his reach really fast because I can't remember what happened and how I ended up that close to a person. So I'm having a panic attack and then it comes back to me. What all happened while you were gone. And then I just kind of whisper that I'm sorry to both of you but also no one in particular at the same time. And both of you are just looking at me wondering who I even am anymore and what the hell happened to make me break like that. Then it just fades out.

[myroyalshyness-blog1]

Swimming in Nonsense

Torin and I were going to go swimming together. No idea where, but it was some house that wasn't either one of ours. So we get there and he "helps" me into the pool. A.k.a he runs up behind me and throws me into the pool before I even take my clothes off. So I start splashing him like a maniac and we are both cracking up. And then his phone starts ringing. He usually doesn't answer phone calls around me but I tell him he needs to answer it because what if it's important. So he answers it and puts it on speaker, and it's his dad and he's like "so where are you?" And he tells him where we are (still don't know where) and he's like "oh that's cool, can your brother and I join you?" Torin looks at me like do you mind? And being the great person I am I'm like "nah I don't mind, it'll be fun" so they get there and his little brother hops in the pool with us and we start playing Marco Polo and Torin's it. Which is really unfair because he's on the swim team so he's got the in the water speed advantage. And then even if I cheat and get out he's on the cross country team so he still has an advantage. So I decide to at least be fair on my part and stay in pool boundaries. I count his spins until he hits 15 and then I slowly glide away. Silently treading water making nothing but the smallest ripples possible. He's says his first "Marco" and I whisper a "polo" at the same time as his little brother yells it so as not to hear me. Apparently I didn't whisper it as quiet as I thought because sure enough torin comes gracefully slicing through the water in my direction. I'm standing completely still when he gets within about three feet of me, prime pouncing distance if he's sure of where I am. I literally stop all movement. No slight twitches. No breathing. I stop and just watch his movements. Just as he is trying to find out where I am. After about ten seconds of nothing, I make my move. I slowly bring my arm out of the water and stretch it out to my left. I quickly swipe water at him from the left hitting him from a different direction to lead him away from me. Well guess what tactic finally failed me. Yes. That one. He immediately launches himself straight at me. I try to back away so he can't touch me but he has length and speed on me. Unable to move away I am hit full force by Torin and we end up underwater. Still underwater we open our eyes and look at each other. I grin real big and go to laugh and accidentally suck up some water. He's laughing at me now as he drags me to the surface. He sits me on his propped up knee so I'm not drowning since we were in the deep end. I just rest there trying not to choke and laugh at the same time. Once I've calmed down enough I push off of him and swim to where I can touch the bottom. I'm ready to be "Marco". I start my spins with them counting each one for me. I pause, cock my head, and listen. I say my first "Marco". From around six feet behind me I hear Torin's brother yell "polo". And about three feet diagonally left of me I hear torin say his "polo". Knowing full well there's no way in hell I'll catch torin I slowly back up. I make it as unnoticeable as possible. Then, I launch myself backwards at his brother. Missing just barely I stop again. All I can hear is splashing. The splashing of the brother is drowned out by Torin splashing in order to cover up where he has gone. I say "Marco" once again. Torin's brother has now gotten about ten feet away from me. Torin is still about three feet away. I just make a straight swim for the brother. I dive underwater and grab him by the ankle. Successful in my chase I open my eyes triumphantly. All three of us are laughing at how fast I managed to cover that distance and at my beautiful dive under the water. Over the uproar, I can hear my phone receive a couple texts. I get out of the pool to go check. I go sit down about two feet away from their father, which is super awkward because 1) I've never met him before and 2) I'm in a bathing suit which is awkward in itself. So I'm just chilling on the ground, torin and his brother are chasing each other in the pool, and his dad is just sitting there. He looks at me, then looks away, then looks back at me like he wants to say something but then decided against it. So I go on reply to whoever texted me and about two minutes later I hear a gruff cough. I look up and see his dad looking at me again and this time he finally speaks. He tells me "I'm really glad that Torin finally found someone to get him out of the house more. He hasn't had this much fun in ages." I just nod and say "yeah, it's been a while since I enjoyed myself like this as well." And then we continued on in silence. I get up to get back in the pool and I notice Torin isn't looking in my direction, so I pick up a water shooter and load it full with some water without him noticing. I slink to the edge of the pool and then call out to him so he'll turn around, and then I blast him right in the face with it. He's gagging and spluttering and laughing, and I'm doubled over wheezing because it was so funny, and his brother and his dad are both cracking up because I managed to do it. His brother swims over and gives me a high five and then Torin swims over and acts like he's going to give me a high five. I don't know why I fall for it, but I do. He grabs me by the hand and then hooks his other arm around my waist and drags me under the water. Instead of making a struggle out of it I just latch on to him and use everything I have to drag him under with me and for once it works. So we're down there basically drowning each other, but again, he has the upper hand as a swimmer. I can hold my breath for a fairly long time, but Torin had me beat easily. So I let go of him so he knows that I'm actually going to drown if I stay under for much longer and we both push off to the surface. The laughter just keeps getting louder and louder, I'm laughing so hard that my eyes are shut and I'm wheezing again. When I finally calm down and open my eyes, he's right there. He stooped down so he is face to face with me. His face is about five inches away from mine. If either one of us was actually breathing at that point then we would have been able to feel each other's breath on our faces. But of course we were both holding our breath, waiting for the other to move. Torin starts to move closer, ever so slowly. I can see his hands coming up out of the water. He gradually gets closer, and closer, until finally...