mysecretwhispers-blog - Tumblr blog

[mysecretwhispers-blog]

And just like that, you lost me.

[mysecretwhispers-blog]

Everything is blushing and butterflies & it's never felt so right before

It happened. It actually happened. It's been just over a month (a perfect, incandescent, beautifully blissful month) and last week, on Wednesday June 27th, 2012, it happened.

He told me he loves me.

He stuttered and blushed and apologised for it being such a sudden exclamation and worried that he was saying it too soon but taking the leap anyway, kissing me between his clumsy words and tightening his grasp on my waist, and it was perfect. Every second of the breathless moment made me want to weep with joy. Granted, I honestly don't think I was ready for the "L" word when he said it, but nevertheless I was very near to tears that night and every time he has said it since has filled me with the most glorious butterflies and set my blood running to my face. It's candy to my ears when he says it. Because I know it's sincere. And he shows it. Every second we're together, he treats me like his best friend, his favourite person, his joy, his treasure, his pride, and I'm constantly left speechless because I have never been treated with so much honest care and attention before. He says he loves to treat me and surprise me with special things and every time I get embarrassed or say no one's ever done something like that for me before, he acts so shocked and makes leaps & bounds of effort to wow me in every way he possibly can. 

I know it's cliché to say that I've never felt like this before and it's beautiful and magical and everything you'd imagine love to be like, but that's what it is. It is beautiful and every moment is magical and every moment spent away from each other makes every moment together so much sweeter. 

I think this is the real deal....I'm in love.  

[mysecretwhispers-blog]

Dear you. I miss your arms around me.

Can we fix that please? 

[mysecretwhispers-blog]

Is this love?

It's still too early to say I think....but it's at that point where we're both saying everything EXCEPT the "L" word. We spend hours talking and saying how we love this and that about the other and how happy we are and how perfect the other is. He even started using the "<3" in texts/convos and last night he started calling me baby and I just feel warm from the inside out every time he says it. But we're running out of words. Yesterday he was going through my music collection and found a cd he liked and said "Oh my god, I love you!" and then awkwardly paused, looked at me and smiled before carrying on with the conversation. I've never felt like this before. And I know I've probably said that about other guys, and I know for a fact that I've been in love before and it's not that that wasn't real love or anything...it absolutely was. It's just that this time it's different. We just fit like two pieces of a puzzle. It's easy and comfortable and exciting and passionate and I just feel like my heart may burst from the overwhelming beauty of it all. I want to be with him all the time and show him off to everyone I know but at the same time just keep him all to myself. My family adores him and even my psycho dog calms down around him which is a miracle in itself. I don't want to get ahead of myself in case it's just the thrill of a new relationship, but I can actually envision a future with this boy. He carted me around his home town last weekend introducing me to every branch of his family and I loved them all and they were so inviting and I just want to be a part of it all. We're even comfortable enough with each other that we can be affectionate in front of our families (holding hands/hugging/giggling, that kind of thing...) which is something I've never been able to do with anyone before. So before I spend the night gushing, I'm going to halt the swell of emotion I'm spilling and go cuddle up in his sweater with a cup of tea. Saturday (aka the next time I'll see him) can seriously NOT come fast enough. 

[mysecretwhispers-blog]

I can see myself falling very much in love with you...

But it's only been a few weeks....so for now, I think quite highly of you....I greatly esteem you....I like you. A lot. 

[mysecretwhispers-blog]

This is new...

I'm slowly learning to be sexy, happy and more comfortable with myself. Having someone appreciate every inch of me is new...and instead of doubting it to my core and whining that I'm not nearly as pretty as he thinks I am, I'm actually willing to accept the praise. This is new for me....hearing someone call me beautiful is usually followed by "no way" or "yeahh right"....but when he says it...it actually makes me feel gorgeous and I'm becoming more comfortable with saying "thank you" and holding my head a little higher. I know I'm by no means perfect, but being one particular person's kind of perfect is okay with me. I don't need to be picture perfect to the rest of the world....I only need to be happy with myself and be assured in the knowledge that despite the twisted views of society, I am in fact desirable. My blushing is no longer from embarrassment, but from a beaming happiness that wells up inside me everytime he glances at me or slides his hand into mine. I'm learning to be confident. Happy with who I am. Not depending solely on the compliments he gives me, but merely being boosted in the right direction everytime he tucks my hair behind my ears and kisses the line of my jaw. I'm able to walk taller and take matters into my own hands....it's an exciting kind of power to be able to grab his collar and pull him into a kiss instead of waiting for him to make every move. I like this equal footing he's helped me find. I don't have to be the damsel in distress to be desired. I can be the partner in crime...the tag-team...the eye-to-eye co-conspirator...it's truly exhilirating and a hell of a lot sexier than being shy and inactive, waiting for the strong man to save the day. The few short weeks we've been together has changed who I am and how I see myself and I feel like in a way, I've become less of a girl and more of a woman. These new feelings for once don't terrify me, but rather excite me beyond any measurable reason and I'm so happy I have him to dive into this new world of maturity and easy happiness with. I am happy. I am comfortable. I am sexy. I am me. And I love it.

[mysecretwhispers-blog]

Take that, Mom. I'm forever alone

Mum said: I'm fat and ugly.

I said: no way, I am.

She said: shut up no you're not, I am.

I said: ummmmmm no, I am.

She said: look at me, I don't match my partner. (daddy)

I said: I DON'T EVEN HAVE ONE, SO SHUT UP.

She said: okay you win.

[mysecretwhispers-blog]

Dear cute boy from 17th C seminar,

I regret not walking out with you. And I wish I'd asked if you wanted to go for drinks or something...kinda can't get you out of my head. At least I'll get to see you again on Tuesday! Though that seems like an awful long time away.... Ahh well. I hope I'll be able to overcome my shyness and talk to you again!!

Sincerely, me.

[mysecretwhispers-blog]

Alcohol, chick-flicks, and being alone on New Years is a bad mix.

[mysecretwhispers-blog]

He's being nothing but sweet and all I can hear is the pulse of uneasy redundancy.

What's wrong with me?

[mysecretwhispers-blog]

I'm my own shrink apparently

I've noticed a recurring trend in every potential relationship I've been in lately and come to the conclusion that I am fundamentally terrified of intimacy. I mask this fear by constantly deluding myself in the desire for a boyfriend. I also delude everyone else into thinking I've just been unlucky and that I'll yet find someone. But deep down, I'm scared out of my wits of being romantically close to anyone. That has to be the reason I've been single for so long. I mean, it's not for lack of opportunities that I've been single....there have been a handful of really wonderful guys that've thrown themselves at me, promising the moon and the stars, and I fall in love immediately, enjoying the flirting and blushing and exchange of sweet nothings...but then everything becomes sickly sweet, my stomach twists instead of flutters and I consider every accolade to be artificial. Then I start finding every flaw in the guy and using those as reasons why he's just not right for me. Which spirals into my believing that I will be alone forever...Because he can't possibly love me so it must be artificial or delusional and therefore not worth a relationship. I make up excuses not to see them, or get close to them, or let anything substantial happen....The most significant relationships I engage in are with guys that live hundreds of miles away and only have contact with me through the internet. That way it's safe and nothing real can happen and neither of us can get hurt because it's not actually real...Soooo yeah....I've now officially diagnosed myself. I'm scared of intimacy. At least I can acknowledge it? So that's good, right? Dunno what to do from here...

Too bad I can't charge myself...that was some ace psychological decoding.

[mysecretwhispers-blog]

His status:

"Alright...seems searching is finally over. Thank you. You know who you are :)"

[mysecretwhispers-blog]

Could this be real?

It feels too perfect. And it happened so fast. But it feels right...

Could it finally be a lucky break for me?

Oh god I adore his smile....please let this one work!!

[mysecretwhispers-blog]

SOOO TEMPTED!!!

The person that's been pushing my buttons lately has presented a beautiful opportunity for me jump in with a righteous burn.

However, I shall just sit here consumed with fury and kick myself because I'm too nice & apparently can't be an outright bitch. Ohh how I wish I could be mean sometimes.

[mysecretwhispers-blog]

Selfish Ranting...

I'm actually going to die alone. All of my friends (or at least an painful majority) have either been in relationships for a while or are recently entering into relationships. And don't get me wrong, I'm happy for all of them. But it's a little hard sometimes to sit for hours and hours and listen to people gush about their significant others when I'm alone and with no prospect of that changing. Kind of annoying to have to try extra hard to smile and say "awe" to every detailed account of affection. Doesn't help either when I get scoffed at and told that I'm just jealous because I don't have anyone. Yeahh. Great to have friends like that. So basically, I've been feeling lower than low in the relationship department recently. I mean, lower than usual. Also doesn't help when we're studying romantic poetry in almost all of my classes. I have so much love to give and no one to give it to. It just doesn't seem fair... and I can't complain to anyone. People just cock their heads and rub my arm and say I'm beautiful (ha) and that I just haven't found the right guy yet. Bull shit. No one looks twice at me. My mother's stories don't help either...she's always telling me these detailed accounts of her many many boyfriends when she was my age and younger and how much action she got and how every boy loved her and she was so skinny and then drives the knife even deeper when she asks why I haven't got a boyfriend. Gee mum, I dunno, maybe because no one likes me. Directing attention to it just makes me feel fantastic. I get that speech at every god damn family gathering as well. I have to tell relative after relative that I'm single, alone and there's no one in my life. I've had a lot of almosts I guess....but then I assume they realize who they're talking to and run for the hills. I have to learn to stop kidding myself. I'm really sorry for the ranting. Truly. I've just been bombarded with attacks on my self-esteem lately and needed to come vent a little to the world before I suffocated under the pressure. Makes me sick that I'm even saying these things because I like to think that stuff like this shouldn't be a priority, especially in the face of school and career and such, but evidently the continual abuse to my conscience has gotten to me and I needed to be selfish. Again...sorry. I'll try to refrain from these in the future but if my "friends" keep up as they are, I may very well need to revisit the selfish ranting in order to keep myself sane.

[mysecretwhispers-blog]

Oh good.

Another friend who's in a relationship. More opportunities for me to be an awkward third wheel. Cuz you know, that's obviously my most favourite thing to be.

Yay.

[mysecretwhispers-blog]

Waking up to you is the best thing to happen to me in a while

"hey! i just thought id start my day by telling you that you are fantastic!!!! i hope you have an amazing day and ill talk to you later! goodbye for now you sexy thing <3"

Why. You are so perfect. WHY do you have to live so far away? :(  

*The universe hates me.