myselfawords

[myselfawords]

It's my 6 year anniversary on Tumblr 🥳

[myselfawords]

I keep trying

To stop myself from thinking about you

To stop myself from thinking the possibilities

To stop myself from writing a poem

To stop making everything all about you.

I can't do it tho.

No matter where I go,

I wish you are beside me.

No matter what I see,

I remember how you liked and disliked things.

No matter what I hear,

Your dreams and plans still linger on my ears.

No matter the time, place, or scenario.

I know how you love red, or the rain, or the danger and adventures.

I remember how I laughed at your weirdness but you always makes sense in the end.

I remember how we argued but ended with respecting one's opinion.

I remember how you tell your stories excitedly, make time for me, laugh with me, and comfort me.

Everything feels special.

It's all about you.

When I like you out of the blue.

Just like how random your personality is

You are also in every random thing the world has.

[myselfawords]

Secrets of someone

And yes, no story or truthful explanation can take away the disappointment reflected in her eyes- like a dripping acid on her words and tone- right there and then, I knew I do not deserve her simple greeting of congratulations.

-self

[myselfawords]

'coz baby in the middle of the city and at the peak of the night, in between of cheers and booze, I found your eyes closing while your lips are moving on hers.

'coz baby in the corner of the dancefloor, you grabbed her hair and your eyes looked heavy, in between lust and love, you found my eyes closing while my tears are flowing on my cheeks.

-vena

[myselfawords]

I just had a black coffee,

A very bitter and strong one at that.

I drank it leisurely,

As if it was what I needed that moment.

I never flinched,

Nor did I stop drinking it,

It was certainly bitter,

And almost bad.

But I still drank it dramatically,

As if it could make me feel better.

And it did.

It felt as if its bitterness hugged me tight;

Its taste made me feel not alone.

It was almost bad, I said.

But drinking it almost made me cry.

It felt good; It tasted bitter nostalgic.

I drank it 'til the last drop,

But I never felt its strength,

I just felt even more bitter,

I just...

finished my black coffee like that.

Nothing more.

Nothing less

[myselfawords]

i don’t know is the answer

to meet someone you love in a place you hate

and

to meet someone you hate in a place you love

what’s worse?

what’s better?

[myselfawords]

Days keep passing by; days with 24 hours to tick but felt like the wind.

How can these days have their own significance but still be forgotten by many.

And I just wonder, don't we all have a phase like that?

We know and they don't.

-vena

[myselfawords]

Where did i go wrong?

Most people would ask themselves what went wrong after a failed relationship. Questioning their worth, luck, their way of loving, their life and even their existence. "Why am i still here when I'm just existing and not alive? " "Am i worthless? " "Why do i lack of luck? " "What went wrong? " and we can't forget this famous line " am i not enough? "

We tend to forget our worth when we're deeply hurt. We're being dumb and getting numb. We do whatever it takes for the one we loved. We sacrifice, we forgive, we take risk, give chances and love unconditionally. We'd give all but in the end, it is still not a happy ending, so we often ask ourselves, "where did i go wrong? Am i not enough? "

Oops, collect your thoughts and don't overthink because you are enough.

Don't question yourself where did u go wrong, instead, ask " what went wrong? " Don't ask yourself "am i not enough? " if you're sure you gave everything you could, and treated your partner the best. It's not your fault if he failed to appreciate you. Don't doubt the way you love just because he left. Don't hesitate to speak out yourself just because he made u feel worthless. In the first place, you aren't supposed to feel worthless as you are not.

You are enough but maybe... you are too much.

Being left doesn't always mean you're not enough, that everything you've done is wrong, that you lack understanding or kindness or affection. It doesn't mean you're worthless. It doesn't mean you're replaceable. And never think that he left because you're ugly. Looks do matter but hey, it is the heart that loves not the eyes who only sees the outside beauty. We get attracted because of the eyes but we feel love because of the heart.

You are too much. Maybe.

He can't handle the love you give because it is too much. He can't understand you because it is always you who understands first. He can't show his affection, his love because yours were too much. You are too much so he became obscure, vague, uncertain, he became inadequate. Your relationship became unbalanced. You're too much and he is the opposite.

Maybe, he really loved you. Maybe, he really cared. Maybe, he still loves you even after he left. He doesn't want to get rid of you nor he is sick of your presence. He wasn't able to appreciate your deep-rooted love because his' is not as deep as yours. He can't breathe properly with the love you make him feel. Maybe he got irritated because you bugged him too much. You may think that you gave him the time he needed but what was it for him? Is that really what he needs? Is it really freedom, time, care, attention, love that he needs?

You see, not every break up means someone is not enough. Sometimes, one is too much. Too good to be true. And that mere fact can make the other feel as if they were just in a dream, and soon you will disappear because after all, we can never have the ideal. And rest, it's not your fault for being that way, just the way you are. Neither it's your partner's fault for not being able to cope up with you and your love. There are just times and some people that we meet but never to keep.

So rest, and don't be harsh on the world, especially on your self because not all the people we love who loved us once will stay the same. Neither do we, stay the same, you know.

-vena

[myselfawords]

For the time we spent together,

I thank you.

For the battles we won together,

I thank you.

For the love we gave to each other,

I thank you.

For all the memories and morals,

I thank you.

For the pain and brokenness,

I still thank you.

I may feel bitter with the outcome,

I still feel sweet for the memories.

I may got ruined for the pain,

I... still learned a lot from you.

So I still thank you

For being there with me

and for the times you are not.

For loving me fiercely,

although not endlessly.

For treasuring me,

only at some moment.

Because you are still the person I dearly loved.

One who will not hesitate to go away

and leave everything

when everything becomes toxic

painful

and a mess.

One who can cut ties

when nothing is healthy anymore.

I still adore you for having that self worth

that I saw in you since day one.

-vena

[myselfawords]

I am...

Why do people always label others casually as if they were some unidentified things?Do they even have the slightest idea, that for every label, title, that people have comes along the heavy responsibility they have to carry on their shoulders for as long as they are labelled that way?

-vena

[myselfawords]

Chains of Life

Just like the chain,

In the middle we have to choose,

Always between Yes or No,

But after we did,

We, still, be back again

In the middle

To yet again,

Choose between Yes or No.

But every piece of chain,

Every situation of choosing,

Comes chances.

To have another chance,

To choose again,

Only in a different circumstances,

Re-evaluating the choices

Of Yes or No.

Just like an endless chain,

Life is.

Always in between

Yes or No.

But, yet again,

Like an endless chain,

It is full of chances

We never get to see twice,

Although they are endless,

Limitless,

They only comes once.

So, would you believe me?

Yes or No?

-vena

[myselfawords]

To someone who made me fall again in just one lifetime, (part 2)

I gave myself 12 hours. From 12 midnight to 12 noon. Those 12 hours will surely be the last. For when I have fallen for you this time, it was different. I did not take a risk. I did not just feel. I did not let you know. For I believe, you have an idea.

I know you, very well. I know how you act when you are clueless. I know how you respond when you can feel something. I know what you would do when you don't like it. I know what you think. I know what you would feel... I just know you very well.

I do not know what I should say to you anymore. I do not know what I should say to you this time. I am just writing this to satisfy myself with "the last time".

I admit, I expected. I assumed. I imagined... that we are so alike, where just like me, there's a part of you that screams for me too, and you can also feel something coming back, but I was wrong. For I have thought of it long ago, but I only accepted it now. For you, I was just a passerby, and you being you, you only cross path with a passerby once. For me, you were a place I always go to, but I was not welcomed. You have this place in my heart, part in my soul that I will never forget.

But I was just a junior high school classmate for you that you had a crush on in your life. Maybe that was our difference, I loved you, you did not. Maybe that was what I did not see. Maybe that was I did not feel. I just do not know why I kept holding onto you. Why I kept coming back. Why I kept hoping. Why I kept expecting. Why I kept feeling this way...

I still remember the day when I believed I was over you. I just suddenly realized that I do not think of you as much. I stopped with my poems. I stopped going back on our conversation. I stopped visiting your profile. I realized, I suddenly stopped doing things for you. It was the month of April when I felt that. The next years where fine, I even loved someone else. I was just so sure I finished my page with you in it.

And last year, I started having these weird thoughts that I like you again. There were at least 4-5 times, where I ignored those thoughts because I am scared to get hurt again. I said I only missed you. I was doing really fine until I saw you this year, January.

When I realized it, I was so scared. I always feel scared whenever I like you. I just know that for you, I am unreasonable. I am crazy. I will take an action. I will do the first move. Fuck, I know what I can do for you. So I kept telling myself that, years had passed, I should know better.

I don't have any words to say anymore but I don't want to end this yet. I can feel it. The last time feeling.

I loved you. I like you now. But will never again in the future. I don't want this feeling again. No... we're clearly not for each other. No... it will never be us. I should know. I should not hold on anymore.

Next time, in the future, if I can feel such feelings for you coming back again, I am obliged to ignore it. I should ignore it until it fades. Because this is what will happen if I acknowledge it. And I'm just so scared again.

Maybe I should end this...

...now.

You who made me fall again in a different time for the nth time in just a lifetime, I will always wish for your happiness. I will always be proud of you. I will always care for you. I will always be a friend to you... I hope this will be the last time for me to say... "I think I like you again even after loving you in the past." Take care.

Sincerely,

Alona

Signed. Agp.

[myselfawords]

To all the people I love; this is for all of you,

To start with, I don't know why I am writing this. As of the moment, I feel lost. I feel unmotivated to study. Sadly, unmotivated has become my word for like more than a month now. I seriously don't know what I am doing. Frustrated. Stress eating. Cheating. Chilling. Doing nothing. Not listening. Not studying. Just that.

Maybe to sum it all up, I feel like I am ruining my life right now. Or maybe these are the consequences of my past mistakes. At the same time, I'm afraid that these consequences... also have each consequences in the future. Just by thinking that, it is like a never ending chain, tires me.

Maybe I'm writing this to tell you how I'm so lost right now. Maybe I'm writing this because I feel like my future won't be the one you thought it would be. Maybe I'm writing this to apologize in advance for I am being eaten by my demons. Maybe I am writing this to tell you how less I really am of what you thought I am. Maybe I am writing this to tell you how I cannot be the one you want me to be. Maybe.... I don't know.

But if time comes where you'll read this... I truly hope that you will forgive me. I hope you will accept me for maybe I have failed you. I hope you forgive me... I hope...

Maybe it's my weakness. Maybe it's my demon. Maybe it's my negativity or what.... But I feel so lost right now. I started to like default on everything. Default wallpaper. Default lockscreen. Default... maybe life too. I feel like I've been in a dreamland for so long for dreaming of extravagant things.

I feel like I have become greedy, uncontrollable, and evil. I am starting to become less... but I also started to want for more.

5483. That's my code in life. It means L I V E. And how sad that, the opposite of live is evil. 3845.

I keep telling myself to live. Live... Live..live your life. But I just realized, I do not know what does living mean? Is it doing what you want? Maybe doing what is right? Is it achieving your dreams? Or settling for small things? Maybe it is to be happy? Or to at least not be sad?

What does living mean...

Regardless, I want you, a loved one of mine, to live your life. Do not spend too much time pandering about living. You can not just go with the flow too... and whatever is between them, whatever is between the Yes and No, I hope... you would be proud of yourself.

Regardless of what you did or what you do, I hope you love to live. Whatever living means, I hope you love it.

Thank you.

Sincerely,

Alona

[myselfawords]

To someone who made me fall again in just one lifetime,

For I don't want to be pathetic, desperate, and miserable again; I am letting go. For I have seen how lowlife I was; I cannot take the risk. For I have not seen your disagreement with the statement; I am... wishing for your happiness with others.

I have this feeling again, but I do not have the courage anymore.

I think I like you again, but it is not as much as before. For maybe, it is exactly what you felt for me years ago, when you said: You do not like me as much as before.

I think I am in pain because of you again, but I do not want to blame you anymore, for it is I, who fell for you again. All I can do is wish to get over you as much as I have fallen for you. For all I want is to heal, not to "feel". For I don't want to be in love again. For... I cannot love you just the same, nor I can feel as much as before.

I think... we are just meant to cross paths, but never to stay. We are bound to feel love, but always never the same. We are bound to be the same, but in a wrong way. Albeit, I truly hope for your happiness in the future.

I think I am letting go again, but hopefully, this would be the last time. For this lifetime and the next one; I am hoping to not feel any romantic feelings for you, as the reason is... I feel and think that no matter how many times we liked each other in a lifetime, and, no matter how many lifetimes we will like each other, we are not meant to be.

To someone who made me fall for him again in this lifetime, we are just the almost. We were just near, but never together. We were just that.

Sincerely,

Alona

[myselfawords]

"I loved you but before that, I loved myself first. "

If you really love yourself before you loved him like what you claimed to be, then why does his name can still make you remember everything? Why do you avoid anyone with the same name? Why does everything still haunts you? Why does everything can still inflict pain on you?

:Because even if I loved my self first, I loved him genuinely more than I did with my self.

:Even if I loved my self first, I was willing to lay down things just to show how much I love him.

[myselfawords]

Untitled 2

Told me you are ready

Said you are happy.

Made me believe,

That we are meant to be.

Bullshit,

You left me.

Now full of hatred, I asked

What have you done?

For all I have been submissive

Did not even care about your knives

Thinking they are to protect me

But shit happened

They were meant to kill me.

- vena

[myselfawords]

Letters

Those papers who are filled with letters that made up words, hold a thousand of memories and feelings as well as history that is only exclusive to the sender and receiver.

- vena