myselfdealingwithme-blog

[myselfdealingwithme-blog]

Petty

I feel very petty sometimes. Especially when I think of things such as “I really wish people around my boyfriend who were mean to me find out about us dating”. I don’t know why. I think it’s because I want them to KNOW i’m loved so much by him that he started a relationship with me, puts on matching pfp, etc. I lowkey want him to brag about me because I want them to feel uncomfortable that someone could think good things of me. I can’t really put my finger on it. I wish i knew what these feelings are about or why i want these people to feel uncomfortable. It’s not even like they care. Why do I care? Is it about jealousy? I don’t know. Am I hoping they’re jealous of me landing such a wonderful guy? maybe. But why would they be jealous, considering he’s a guy and the people who were most assholeish to me were not even attracted to guys? My brain is weird. The way it plays out in my head is someone who knows about us teasing him about it and then the hurtful people finding out.

Maybe it’s also because one of them made me miserable and i want him to know just how much happier I am without him, and how much happier I am with my boyf.

[myselfdealingwithme-blog]

Blog

I suppose I should update this or figure out how often to update. Part of me wants to stick to a schedule even though I don’t give a shit about this blog, really, but I wanna stick it to the man and prove that updating on a schedule ain’t a big fucking science. Maybe it’s just this misplaced disdain for laziness, although I’m not quite sure where it’s coming from.

Maybe that’s a thing i need to analyze. Even though my biggest challenge right now “routine” wise is losing weight, it’s so hard compared to something stupid such as writing shit on a screen. I guess I just have this impatience for the attitude that’s “anti-get shit done”, how people constantly put dumb excuses to why they didn’t do something, such as update this blog, or paint a rock, or seek mental health. I wonder if it’s coming from the fact I’ve busted my ass the past week trying to get insurance to work, which makes me kinda angry at the people who don’t. 

Maybe it just feels like a waste. All these people can afford to waste their time and be lazy and not have insurance because they don’t have all these emotional issues and physical health issues that i have, in which i have to consistently hit roadblock after roadblock to get anywhere. Meanwhile lazy people just waste their time away on dumb shit such as, idek, vaping? shitposting on 4chan? who knows.

Enough of my judgemental attitude. Really though, I gotta start losing weight. It’s gonna kill me at this rate. The problem is the damn asthma needs to get better before exercising, but I can always start with eating not awful shit. I bought some PBJ shit for work, I should start getting some fruits and vegetables too. Man I wish eating wasn’t so damn delicious. Oh, i guess once i’m back from my trip I’ll update twice a week. We’ll see how it goes from there.

[myselfdealingwithme-blog]

Space

I don’t know, I guess because I’m a little bit having trouble with the whole... mindfulness thing, dealing with the moment, staying “here” as opposed to wandering elsewhere, not dissociating every 5 seconds, let’s try this journaling situation that my fiance has recommended. 

I have hated myself for my mental illnesses for as long as I can remember but only recently have I realized that it’s not the most productive way to deal. I guess this journal is the breaking point after losing so many fucking friends. Abandonment is a thing that I really really struggle with. Abandonment is a thing that everyone struggles with, sure, but if you are a freaking borderline it just... it sincerely feels like someone is ripping away a sheet off you that was glued in with gorilla glue.

Maybe I should start there. The abandonment. Why does this particular abandonment hurt me so much? A friend of mine got upset that I was upset at my boyfriend because I was losing my patience after a year of waiting for progress. While his parents were putting him on a cycle of unreliability, he, in turn, put me in this same cycle. “I will do y when my parents do x”. Except x would never come. So I lost it. Friend just snapped at me, and idk, i guess somewhere along the lines she decided she didn’t want to talk to me anymore. So now I get to see her interacting with others when I open twitter yet give me 0 reply when i send apologies or anything at all. This is what I deserve I suppose.

I’ve always felt like I’m not as cool as her really talented art friends anyway, and not as interesting as her japanese friends that she tries so hard to get them to like her. 

In the end I don’t think she can really find happiness. Nothing to do with me, but rather, sometimes it feels as if, her favorite relationships are with the people she’s trying to put a face on so they like her. I suppose I can relate to that. She’s also stuck in a world in which she doesn’t want to... live real life. She wants to mourn a connection with someone who she’s never had a connection with, because the person was never real, she wants to stay stuck in the moment, the point in life in which her favorite videogame was the most relevant thing, so she does nothing but spend all day in a forum dedicated to only talking about said videogame. There’s no future or forward thinking. Just a hamsterwheel facing the direction of the past. It’s fucking weird, I’ve been seeing tons of people around me and my boyfriend “grow” in ways i didn’t expect, but she’s just still in this very odd direction.

Perhaps this connection wasn’t even supposed to happen.

So why does this abandonment hurt so much? I feel as if not only am i losing a friend, but her “hangout place” of sorts, where I would talk to my other friends has been lost. I lose access to her so i lose access to that hang out spot, in which I’ve only ever felt lonely anyway. What am I losing, what hurts? Why does it hurt?

I think after this entry I’m going to nap, then work on a little piece of art on a rock. Maybe I’ll make my own “line” of rocks, maybe they can be the borderline awareness rocks? Will update soon