myweaknessisthaticaretoomuch

[myweaknessisthaticaretoomuch]

I feel really suicidal tonight and I don’t know if I have it in me to fight it much.

[myweaknessisthaticaretoomuch]

Tonight is hard

Im trying so hard just to hang on to anything.

[myweaknessisthaticaretoomuch]

Really wish I could kill myself

[myweaknessisthaticaretoomuch]

Gotta love when I get the idea to kill myself in my head.....

[myweaknessisthaticaretoomuch]

Trying

trying to believe recovery is possible.

trying to believe I can move past this.

trying to believe I can get the hallucinations and delusions under control.

trying to be better and get better

[myweaknessisthaticaretoomuch]

Fuck it all

Honestly, is there really a point

im honestly like just fuck it

who cares anymore

whatever happens happens

[myweaknessisthaticaretoomuch]

IDK anymore, Is there a point to it all?

[myweaknessisthaticaretoomuch]

Im losing it

Things are coming alive

[myweaknessisthaticaretoomuch]

My mind all sort of fucked up/messy tonight

[myweaknessisthaticaretoomuch]

The worst thing is that there is so much potential for exploring the horror of psych wards from the angle of medical abuse, ableism, forced treatment/drugging, loss of autonomy, power imbalance, demonization, dehumanization, etc, and YET the horror genre keeps defaulting to "insane asylums and psych wards are scary because there are mentally ill people in there"

[myweaknessisthaticaretoomuch]

IDK anymore

everything is so loud and I feel like im losing everything. I honestly just wish it would all stop. sitting here, staring at it. Wanting to make everything go away. I wish it were ok, I honestly wish that so much. It's not though, it never will be. Im so guilty, yet I want to go through with it. I dont want to hurt people, but im so tired. Im so hurt, Im so lost. I wish I were dead, yet I feel like I cant think like that. After the attempt, I was told IDK what it did to people, how It made them feel. I dont want to hurt them, but I feel like im in that mindset, where it would be so much easier to just take a bottle of something. Kill myself, not have to deal, not have to feel. IDK if it's time to call a crisis line, or if I even care to. I just, I don't know.

[myweaknessisthaticaretoomuch]

Do you ever regret telling certain people about your mental disorders? I swear it feels like some people treat me differently after finding out, even the people I trust

[myweaknessisthaticaretoomuch]

Spent most of the weekend drinking. We’re back to drinking it seems. Plus everything is so loud again. It’s fucked in a sense and part of me is kinda like who gives a fuck. Im not sure I have the strength to fight it

[myweaknessisthaticaretoomuch]

maybe I'm just to broken

does it even matter though?

[myweaknessisthaticaretoomuch]

I hate being so lonely

I miss you, I miss your friendship and talking to you. However, maybe it's better this way. Just wish I had someone to talk with in a sense

[myweaknessisthaticaretoomuch]

thoughts, idk

I feel like I miss you, the person I thought you were. I question alot. I get so lonely, and ofter I wonder did I take the high road, was I right to block you? Im a shit person anyway, am I in any position to do that? Am I an any position to turn my back on someone? But at the same time, were you good? Or was it shit from the start? Looking back on the years, were you just pushing boundaries, if I even had any. Some stuff you said, it seems so fucked up. But am I imagining it? You always told me I was crazy, how I was. Maybe I am, maybe im just some crazy person. Its what I struggle with most, being crazy. People thinking im crazy, feeling crazy and trying to not give into the madness. The decen into it all. I feel like I went into it and now im struggling to get out. You dont help. But its also more then that. Its like im left hurt by it all, yet u seem to be this good person, and get to move on, have friends, not care. So why do I still? Why cant I stop caring? What you did it was fucked up and it really hurt me, keeps bothering me, but still, I blame myself, I feel like it was my fault in a sense. And I feel so hurt, and so sad and so lonely. But part of me wnders if it wanst, but if it wasnt, why am I the bad guy? But then it seems like everyone is done with me? No longer wants anything to do with me? And I cant blame them, but that just kinda resonates that Im the problem and so forth and adds to the hurt in a sense. We went ver boundaries and such in group this week, it resonates and added alot. How I dont have any, Im trying to set some, but just feels like i lose people and have no one left. I dont know. Its complicated, and alot to work through.

[myweaknessisthaticaretoomuch]

I wish I could make sense of it all