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[namanisnamani]

2012 humor

Thanks Dad......

So today my dad took me to a dress shop with all these beautiful prom dresses! I was like,“Dad whats going on?” with a smile beginning to plaster on my face.  So when he asked the clerk for a white dress and i was starting to get excited! She asked me what size I was about to tell her when he said “Oh its not for her……" 

Very nicely done dad

[namanisnamani]

2012 Aliya was so pure

Hello

I’ve always wanted to be a singer but things have always held me down. People would discourage me saying that its a scary business and I wouldn’t fit the cut. These things constantly swirled around my head. But this year I made a promise to myself that I wouldn’t let others stop me from my dreams ^^

[namanisnamani]

Babies are so smart!

So i’m on the car with my baby cousin and he’s like COUNTDOWN! I WANT COUNTDOWN! When I look down at him I see him doing multiplication problems on my aunts smart phone and getting them right!

He’s 3 years old!!!!!!!

[namanisnamani]

July 2012

Baby in a bag! WHAT HAS THIS WORLD COME TO?????

So I’m in a dinner one night with my mom, And I see a woman walk into the parking lot with a large shoulder bag on her with two feet sticking out. My eyes flew out of their sockets! I was like what????? How can you put a baby in your pocketbook?!?!?!?!?

I mean isn’t that against the law?

Anyway

She puts the baby in the car seat then with the same bag now streched to fit the baby is still on her arm she looks around to see if anyone saw her then she jumps in her car and speeds away! Is it just me or is this woman completely insane? And did anyone else see this but me?

[namanisnamani]

Unexpected happenings

Your typical startings of something fuzzy. Boy meets girl, they become friends because other mutual friend. Then meet with just the two of you. It hit off well. But I didn't think anything of it. Just enjoyed the moment. Then a moment so much like the movies it almost didn't feel real. This is not fluff, It really happened. I was standing in the common room, chatting with friends about one subject to another when suddenly he came into the room. A light was under me and it felt like the room was suddenly quiet. Just me and him. "뭐지?" Was what I thought. He then suddenly jumped back and ran away. He said hi to everyone except me. A quick once over and run. To say the least I was confused. Maybe he was mad at me. Maybe he wasn't into chatting in depth. Maybe he just wanted to smoke. Idk. I went through the Attic door with a spiral on it. Opened into a smokey dark room with one string of christmas lights in the celling. I tapped his shoulder and got a goofy smiling "hey~!" He pulled a chair over to sit next to him. Of course I sat. We chatted for a while. He asked me if I needed something to keep me warm. I refused due to being warmed from the inside by my first few drinks. He then told me I looked great. I wore a black mesh top and black tank top over. With thin black disco pants with embroidered flowers. It hugged all my curves in the right ways. I also wore a straight black brown wig with bright grey contacts lens. This changed my look in such a way that of course it called to his attention! I thanks him humbly sharing the complement back to him. He pulled me closer, leaned his leg on mine and held it there. I noticed this and thought he was just being friendly. Soon after everyone left the attic suddenly. We were alone and the air changed again. Soon after, he suggested we go out and get more wine. I agreed. He went out of the small door after me, promptly hitting his head on the door frame. I turned around after hearing the audible thud and naturally touched his head though his jean cap. "Are you okay?" I asked while stifling a giggle. He laughed too and we went to the table to grab another drink. He brought the bottle back to the attic after everyone came back. He then poured some for me. Our friend noticed this and told me about it later. We finished the remainder of the bottle and he grabbed a blanket. Our chairs where now side by side blocking the center walkway into the extra seats. People walked around us and passed around a Dutch. We then left the room and he made a taco. We sipped rum then. I took less than he did. Him a stronger drink than I. Every now and then checking on the others progress. Hours went by without either of us knowing. I realized I'd kept myself away from him for a portion of the night. Talking to other friends about art and exchanging our favorite Instagram artists and peices we find cool. Then going out into the common room again I found him alone in a dark room with lights flying on the ceiling. Another quiet man next to him but they didn't speak. He was too imersed in his thoughts. I asked if he was okay and he snapped back into his charismatic self. We then went back intonthe 3rd room. And sat on the couch and chatted more. He asked me interesting questions. Saying I didn't tell him enough about myself. I said well what do you want to know? He then asked about my biggest fears and what I want tondo with my life. Aspirations and worries. The kind of person I am and why o choose people as my friends. These where all thoughtful and it made it easier for me. I'll be honest this much attention on me was surprisingly refreshing. I really didn't have to work or be on autopilot while speaking. I was actively participating. Which was so unexpected. How am i getting along with this person I've only met a few months prior. Our friend, the birthday girl came in and asked us to go to Wawa with her. I agreed and asked to hold on to him. Otherwise I definitely would be on the ground, slipping from the wet snow and soles with no grip. He obliged creating another level of closeness between us. Friendship for sure I reasured myself. As we got back I had yet another 설레이는 순간. Our shoes where from the snow and now produced puddles wherever we stepped. He took off his shoes and asked I wanted to do it as well. At first said no because my hands where full, and they where hard to take off. Too troublesome. He offered to take them off for me and immediately I said no no you don't have to do that~! But he did it anyway, bending down to take the straps off. Suddenly embarrassed my face flushed and commented about my ugly socks. Ugly but warm. I said "뭐야 이거 설레하게" he said what?? I said nothing and apologized for the socks and thanked him. That very sweet! And unexpected. But nice. We returned the room and sat on the floor. He layed down next to me. People began shuffling out of the room and eventually the house. It waa 3am and then 4, 4 and then 5. Everyone went to sleep soon after. N and M giggling. We layed next to each other then. Holding hands and grazing the surface with just our fingertips. He asked suddenly to turn the lights off. Then doing so. All 4 of us laying on the floor covered in blankets he and I faced each other. He looked into my eyes and then suddenly leaned forward. Our lips pressed and kissing sounds where the only thing heard in that now dark room. N and M where like do you hear that? Yeah and then left the room. He pulled me underneath him kissing more passionately. His hands grazed over my body before going down pulling up pants off. I was surprised like omg we are really doing this! Wow okay. Never did I feel a sensation like this one. And it shocked me. I couldn't speak, couldn't formulate a sentence. Just sounds. He put on music to muffle my muels of insane pleasure. I covered my mouth for fear of being found out. 20 to 30 minutes just spent on me. I'd never been shown that much attention in my life. Inthought I needed to return the favor but he intead pushed me back down and attempted to enter into me. I got suddenly scared. Never have i had sex without contraception! And are we seriously about to have sex!!! Omggggg! I was internally freaking out and then as soon as he entered it was harder to hold onto the red string. I was loosing myself to the immense pleasure I didn't even know I needed to experience. It blew my mind! We stopped prematurely. He helped me put my clothes back on. And we layed down to actually sleep. I layed my head on his chest and he held me. Wrapping his arm around my head, my shoulders, kissing my lips, my. forhead. An oddly comforting feeling. Never had I experienced this utter peace after such am experience. Soon after fear crept in. What did I just do? Do I need to get tested? What do I do about this!! Omg we did this here what if they heard us! OMG! WHAT DO I TELL THEM! AHHHHHHHHKKKKK But at the same time there was this calm from being completely present in the moment. What gave me peace is, even if this comes to nothing, I enjoyed this experience, this exchange of energy, this connection. Momentary or not. We don't know what will happen next

[namanisnamani]

10 months with you and 2 without have passed and yet I don’t think about you as much

I’m kinda surprised. There was a time you had a major part in my heart and yet now you don’t. Time really does heal wounds.

[namanisnamani]

Passionate Kiss

That line from that movie will forever stick with me. In a hushed whisper the friend said, “The key to sex is love.”

Something so simple and seemingly innate seems so foreign to me. Of course love should be present when you have sex with someone. But for the first time I’ve had an encounter where love was not present for me. I just wanted to try it. So I did but it wasn’t nice. It was painful and hard to connect with the person. I won’t say I regret it. But it’s something I won’t do again.

Doesn’t matter how much sex appeal a person has I shouldn’t just give in…

But then to have such a wonderful time with another man made me so happy. He wasn’t forceful or didn’t listen to me. He took his time and slowly found my ticks.

Things I didn’t even know where sensitive had alarms sounding at the lightest of touch. He’s grip was firm, embrace tight and warm. I felt safe. I think that’s why I opened up so much.

I’ve said this time and time again but to be so comfortable with someone is a first. I feel like I can be entirely myself.

Imagine that. What a development. Something so simple and yet I just couldn’t see it.

It’s telling and exciting. I wonder what will happen next.

Even though that kissing session in his car seemed short, time just flew by. A tiny microcosm on a rainy night. Hot and steamy kisses and touches that still cross my mind. Something to look forward to. That’s for sure.

A peaceful night marked in my memory

[namanisnamani]

Conflicted

It’s Spring Break and 2 am on a Tuesday night. Here I am lying in bed awake and frustrated. For some reason I’m feeling nostalgic. And the thoughts of him are running though my mind. Almost in a torturous way. I want it to stop. But it’s like a chain of songs all related to him.

As of this day 3.15.2017

It’s been 2 months since I talked to him. 2 months…..and I was proud of myself back then. I got the bootycall charged codeword again. “Wanna chill sometime soon” and at that moment I was so mad. I just didn’t answer for the whole night. And then much of the next day. But I talked to a close friend of mine who is a guy and he said it’s better to end relationships like that. And that if he didn’t want to really be friends with me than to tell him to stop contacting me.

So…I said that. He responded in a joking manner. “Fair enough”, I told him to do better and wished him good luck and he wished me the same and thanked me.

And that was supposed to be the end. The end I’d wished and hoped for. A clear line that I drew. Saying no to his advances and not being horny just yet (which I find is associated with him from now on until someone else comes.)was why it felt so easy to do. But the regret hit right after. I’d day that only lasted about a week or 2 for me to feel like I could do it.

But now….going through 2 cycles of my eggs trying to save themselves ended on constant thinking of this man. Ugh. Why is this so hard! I resisted for a long time. 2 months is no joke. And with school it was easier to ignore. But now as I lie in my bed remembering him is so easy it’s literally killing me. I can’t stand it! For the first time I looked up his instagram and fb. I deleted him on both and he didn’t on insta. Which is strange to me.

It’s just frustrating!! I’ve been laying in bed thinking about him for legit 2-3 hours…..and reminiscing the times I spent with him. Meeting with him again would be a mistake. 2 hours of pleasure and weeks of regret would do nothing but a dis-service to myself.

Kinda graphic but I miss his tongue! And I want it really really bad…shame. I know it’s stupid and after reading one of my old posts I know it’s really not a good idea.

I’d be going against my word and also going against my pride. I did it because I didn’t wanna bring that into the new year. But he’s literally not leaving my mind!!! It’s so annoying!

Even if I did contact him what would I say? Hey long time no see we should meet some time?

Do I have to beg him? Like come on! Why….also even if I did do that would he respond? Probably not. Which makes it even more frustrating.

I’ll sleep on it. Best time to contact is definitely not now and not first thing in the morning. So maybe 11 or lunchtime…..sighhhhhhh

[namanisnamani]

Lonely

I think I held up good. Three months without any attention of the other sex was fine when I was in class. I was super busy. And was able to ignore the carnal feels that resurge themselves monthly. jut for 3 months to not have le fees was pretty darn good if you ask me. But for some reason I feel blue. Happy to be around my family and friends but missing the other type of relations. It was nice to date and hangout and do lovey-dovey stuff. And I forgot because I was too busy to see.....shame. But what can you do? I've been debating now. Do I wallow in my sad feels or go out into the internet again to see if their are any good mates out there. Shame if their weren't. And shame on me for even doing this again. I'm conflicted. What will I find? Am I ready for this again? Are they gonna be a good guy? Maybe I should talk to girls?????let's not go down that path. Lets go back to the pure feels. Sure desires are needing to be met but I'm not sure I'm ready to be a good version of myself that is put together and working out well. Confidence is definitely gonna need to rise. And much, much more improvements are needed to be be made in order to be "ready". I'm a ball of conflicted feelings. Help....

[namanisnamani]

Looking easy and acting easy

There is a difference. I always thought I was on the side to look easy to conquer and in actuality I had a few tricks up my sleeve. Just like inalways prided in front of my mother. But when it came to testing this, with one guys I became the exact opposite. Naive, trusting, and easy to give in. It made me wonder if it wasn't him and I liked them as much as I like him would I also give in? I got a few advances that should have been red flags. Being randomly contacted and asked to code word"chill". I tried to deflect it by asking if he wanted to go out to eat instead but he agreed, with the undertone that his plan hasn't changed. I won't say I was oblivious. In fact I'd say opposite. I knew this was a bootycall and while I didn't wanna admit this, I knew. But the feeling of wanting to see him was greater. Thus the naivety. He feeds off the fact that I'm so "Innocent" in fact he loves it. Constantly telling me he feels like he is tainting me. Internally I roll my eyes but outwardly I feed into the image. Sexually I like that positioning of a stong male who is dominant but doesn't hurt the innocent woman but shows her the ways of the bedroom. Because I know this I'd say I'm a mix of both sides. Partially I am innocent and really don't know the ways of dates and tricks men use to get in your pants. The other is semi-aware. I know from the stories my Mom and Aunts and Dad have told me. But some things you just need to experience on your own. So back to this situation with the covert but also overt bootycall I chose not to see as such. I went. He picked me up and took me off guard by chatting and making me laugh. So I became suddenly comfortable with him again. That old feeling of familiarity that I had with him months before came back. And I remembered why I liked him. Not so much a list I can make but the feeling I have when I'm wth him. And how I feel when he's away from me for periods of time. We were supposed to have food. So I thought a restaurant, but he took me to placed up his way. 30 minutes from home. But there really wasn't anything open so we...really he though of Wawa. And I got a hogggie. . . .good I guess. He took me to his appartement and silently curse myself for going when my mother told me not to. I was torn between the thought of lustful things that could happen and the fear of being looked at as easy. Since I already made the mistake of coming right when he called me. You are no call girl why did you do that? The torn feeling continued as I walked through the door to go into the appartement. You didn't do anything wrong , your a confident independent woman. If he wants to eat then you should let him. Your receiving pleasure right? So what's the problem ? Fear. Fear of being a disappointment. Fear of being so wrapped up agai after a quick whimsical action between two stupid 20somthings. Fear of beint looked down on, Fear of compromising my values, Fear of being easy. Fear of being called easy. Fear of being looked at/thought of as easy. For days after despite the high of the pleasure received and given I felt bad the next day. Flashbacks entering my brain in the wrong moments durring class....my face turning bright red and having to cover it up. Or control my face. It was hell. I hated that I liked it so much. And that I wanted more. I hated that after all his words. He proved to me again that he is shit, his word means nothing and I can't trust him. I hated that he doesn't answer my texts and that I'm too afraid to call. I hated that he isn't transparent with how he feels about me. I hate the idea that he doesn't really like me he likes my body. Most importantly I hated that he made me feel so stupid. I hated that I let him make me feel so stupid. And yet I don't hate him at all Maya Angelou was right. It's not what you say that people will remember but how you make them feel. More importantly I betrayed myself for a person who give me no value and took from me without giving me verification that he was worthy of that. I hope to never make this mistake again

[namanisnamani]

More worries

Maybe I’m being too graffic but I guess I’m just vulnerable………. One has gone far away Another came in and took me away. Sucked my nectar and took my breathe away. Now I’m back in limbo. Feeling all ary because I am caught by old feelings.

What are feelings? Jumbled emotions caught by the ever drunk sea and trying to make sense of it all as it’s winds surround you like a hurricane Whiplash to your skin But it felt so good…… Strange. How carnal desires can flip the script on you. Make up an down inverted and my world frozen in time

I should hate you. Because you don’t answer my calls But when you do I jump to attention…. Addiction is a real thing Upsetting and in need of an escape I ran towards you when I should have done so in the opposite direction.

Shame on me for being hurt twice By the fear of rejection Into the depth of the darkness you brought me to your room Familiar and also scary Smelling like cigarettes and cat No direct way out. Fighting with my internal self and the desire to continue something should be no more Rein the cat in my friends say. But my point is that how can you say no?

[namanisnamani]

Uneasiness

I was worrying about this for a while now. I met another guy quite by accident and now it’s already been 3 months.

He is older than me. Very much a gentleman, not the typical guy I would go for. He wasn’t perfect but he tried his best and I appreciated that. But I knew ahead of time he was gonna leave. He is an ESL teacher abroad after all. And the next stop was China. Litterally halfway across the world. It was a set up for disaster and i still took the risk. I TOLD MYSELF DATE THIS GUY TO GET OVER THE NEXT….yet. before i knew it i was stuck in between. “Who to give my loyalty to….try not to get too deep in the feels for this guy! He’s leaving!” I told myself this countless times. It’s too soon to say I love him, and I don’t, but I can’t say I wasn’t attached. And now he’s going. Not yet but soon. 2 weeks. Man that went by quick. And I really enjoyed him. He treated me really well. I noticed everything is in the past tense. So I guess I’m already sure he’s gone. Another boy chapter closed. I can’t say I didn’t see this coming but the feeling for hIl is different. He was someone to talk to every morning and night. Say I’m alright. Someone who asked “how was your day?” Someone to kiss, someone to hug, someone to hold hands with….so much physical contact I didn’t realize I’d missed so much before.

The lack made me numb and when I was exposed I craved more. More and more.... I want affection. And now I need it. This was all about guy 2 guy 1 came back. And it makes me all kinds of confused!! Like why did you have to come back? Why? Why did you have to act like you cared? Why did you act like you wanted to start again? And then go right back into what you did before. Distance and lack of contact. Why did you play into the wish I wanted so badly? Why did you come back and make me feel like I did something wrong by even talking to you. Let alone allow you to do anything sexual with me.... God I feel so stupid for actually liking you when you don't seem to give me the time of day. And then guy 1 is at my fingertips and currently treats me sooooo well! Even though he doesn't have much he gives me his best! After that kind of treatment to go back to beng showered with affection. The other bairly gives me time of day. Who should I choose? ? ? Guy who treating me sooo well versus the guy who can't see me cause he's "busy" Back to being old me! Alone but strong independent. I'll be fine, because I have to be!

[namanisnamani]

Annoyed

Usually I write in Korean on this blog but I just don’t feel like it right now so I’m just going to vent. 영어 나왔다면 미안해요. 단말기 나왔다면 미안해요!

요즘 만나는 남자가 시간이 많이 없어서 말을 만한 못했어요. 그러다가 많이 연락이 안 하고 이제 목소리도 들어오지 않았고 얼굴 못 봤어요. 되기 짜증나라고요. 왜나면 만약에 제가 이 짧은 시간이 만나는 남자 더 좋아 한다면 좋은 상황이 안 한 거 같애요. 전 정말 괜찮은데 쿨한 여자는 생각합니다. Space도 많이 졌어요. 저도 바쁜 사람이에요 대학생하고 아르바이트 도해요.

그런데 이런 2개월 만나는 사람 제가 respect걸 안 했다면 자연스럽게 화나게지. 제가 화내면 안돼요?🤔 저도 사람이 야 ….feelings도 있고요.

아니 다른 사람이 이런 상황이 있다면 화날 수 있어요. 아니 왜 can’t I express how I feel towards him! 저는 화나는 느낌이 있지! I should be angry!!

다른 사람이 몰랐지만 이런 순간이 있다면 어떻게 해야 돼? 사실은 제가 너무 두려워서 만약에 제가 떠날까 봐. 제가 너무 세다면 넌 할 거야. 너무 무서워 또다시 혼자서. 그런데 어차피 내가 이제 혼자니까 그냥이 남자는 가끔 내 생각해 와요. 그냥 짜증나. I shouldn’t care as much as I do. 😔 그리고 걔 앞에서 화나게 풀러 거야지 얼굴 보면 그리고 말도 없이 그냥 수술을 이런 감정을 할 거야 내가 내가 이런 성격아야. 나 진짜 바보래!! 미처 것 같애 진짜로 😢😢😢😢

아니 키가 너무 바쁘다며 내가 왜 만나~? 오! 대체 왜!! 시간이 없다면 만나지마! 어차피 제가 이런 걸 못 보는 거 같애….. 내 안에서 감정이 많아…. 화나고 슬프고 짜증나고 😧😧😧😧😧😧😧

[namanisnamani]

안녕~ 지금까지 ^^

요즘 한 지난 남자 내 생각에 온다. 긋대 돼지 힘들었어요…. 그 남자 생각 나왔다면 인정하고 지나가면 돼 생가해요. 이년전 더 힘들어 지만….저 지금 괜찮아요.

다른 사람도 가끔 많아요. 근데 계속이렇게 생각해요 “내가 진짜 행복해 안님 그냥 네 진짜 마음으로 너무 잘숨어서 나도 행복알고….” 모르겠어요….행복한 기본 해보고싶어는대…. 잘 될 수 있을까…모르겠어요.

오선! 행복한 말 행복한 생각 행복한 행동 먼저 바꿔야 돼. 그 행동 위에서 바뀔 수 있어요.

언제나 좋은 날 갑자기 나올 거야.니가 이렇게 생각할 거야!

“내가 여기서 어떻게 하는지…. 이런 기분이 어떻게 하는지…..사람이 이렇게만 많았고 어떻게 해야하는지” 생각할 거야!

갑자기 좋은 날 좋은 기분 올 거야!

저는 지금 이런 기분을 가까운은 거 같애요!

지금 모르지만… 열심히 할게요~!! 여러분 화이팅!!

[namanisnamani]

첫 인사

안녕하세요! 저는 미국에서는 엘리야 (Aliya)입니다~!

반가워요! ㅋㅋ

미국 필라델피아에서는 대학생이에요 ^^

제blog이름은 특별한걸 만들고 싶어 썼는데....namanisnamani 나왔네요. ㅎㅎㅎ

원래는 '나만이상한까' 영어를 써고 싶었는데

그렇게 나왔어요^^아무튼 괜찮아요^^

그렇게 더 좋아요^^

요기서 쓰고 싶은거는....아마 그냥 생각나는 걸 쓸게요^^

행복한 걸....슬픈걸 나왔지 몰라~

그리고! 저는 한국 사람이 안 해요.

그리고 한국말 내 첫 언어를 안 해요.

그래서 전 실수를 할 수 있어요^^

예쁘게 받으세요~!ㅋㅋ