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napoleondidthat · 5 months

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Final thoughts on Napoleon, Ridley Scott

As I said yesterday, the movie as a whole falls because it tries to fit too much into a movie. You have to do a Cliff notes version of a life to achieve that. This may change if the 4 hour version is released. It won’t correct some of the creative choices made of course. I appreciate the effort and don’t envy anyone who has to write a movie screenplay of Napoleon’s life. And as much as we’d all love to probably sit and watch Napoleon go over the Napoleonic Code, or peace negotiations, I know that the public at large could not care less.

So let’s talk actors here.

I didn’t hate Phoenix’s Napoleon completely. There were times where he did very well in the scenes. There were a couple issues though:

1. Napoleon isn’t really just a figment of imagination character and because he’s an historical figure that means to me you have less wiggle room. I appreciate actors who have played Napoleon and have taken the effort and read biographies on Napoleon, like Assante did. It’s obvious Phoenix didn’t. And that comes through. I’d even say that Phoenix doesn’t really get Napoleon or understand the figure and really doesn’t know what to do with it. Is he a demon? A psycho? A war-monger? A petulant child?

The main problem for Phoenix is the same that faces Clavier, he’s too damn old for the part.

I know a lot of praise has been heaped on Comer for her Josephine but I wasn’t that blown away by it. She was fine, she did fine, she just wasn’t Josephine. She played her so lifeless and dead-pan. If Napoleon is the heavy, Josephine was the opposite.

Whoever played Madame Mere did fine but she was way too mom like and jovial. Madame Mere always strikes me as an austere figure.

Strangely who I thought did very well was the actor who played Barras. He was quite compelling and it’s probably the best and most air time I’ve ever seen given to Barras. The other was the portrayal of Talleyrand which surprised me. He didn’t look the part really and when no first saw the photos I wasn’t impressed. But it worked and he did very well in the role. Extra points for showing Talleyrand with a brace on his leg though they never explained it.

The other perks of the movie, the cinematography I thought was really done well. The sets were beautiful even if they weren’t very French. The costumes were also very impressive.

The other fails was the score. This is a mystery to me why they did this sweeping epic on a $200 million budget and didn’t hire someone to do a score. Every Napoleon movie before this has a score and it’s like they forgot completely. I have read that they used the Pride and Prejudice score and it’s lovely but it feels borrowed, which it is. The beginning of the movie is merely French folk music type music. Interesting choice but it still felt off.

Lastly, like I said I really dislike that they did so much name card flashing on characters as they were introduced. At the end they did the same fade to black cards telling the audience that Napoleon died May 5, 1821 after six years of exile on St. Helena. They then give the famous supposed last words. Then fade to black and up comes a scorecard of Napoleon’s battles and how many died in each battle with a line showing the total dead being 3 million. First, I rather hate this argument that Napoleon is the only person solely responsible for the deaths during a very tumultuous time in history. That is almost giving him too much power. Second, what are you trying to say Scott?

If you are trying to show Napoleon is a war monger evil doer, fine. I disagree with that interpretation, but it’s one that some hold. Problem is that it falls because Phoenix never played Napoleon as a wild eyed war monger. Phoenix plays Napoleon all over the place so at the end you can’t even really believe his Napoleon was capable of the responsibility of all this death.

The problem is that the movie lacks vision and coherency. Napoleon is a genius on the matters of war but we are never shown that. Napoleon had men die for him but here you can’t really understand why anyone would listen to Phoenix’s Napoleon let alone follow him. He and Josephine have a toxic but passionate relationship but it’s never shown. You don’t really know why Josephine cares about losing Napoleon since they never seem to say one kind word to each other when together, she seems bored as Empress and every love scene has her looking bored off into the distance while Napoleon pants behind her. Yet in the end voice over Josephine waxes on about her great love for her tortured sweet Emperor.

No actor gets Napoleon right completely. No movie gets it right completely. I find every movie touches on certain things that are perfect that another movie dropped the ball on. Every actor does one or two aspects of Napoleon very well and fails on others. If we could somehow merge all the things the actors and the movies do right we might come close to a perfect movie.

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napoleondidthat · 5 months

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I Went, I Saw, I’m Back….

Today was Napoleon movie day and I lived to come back and report.

You know how you go into a movie with super high expectations when you have heard it’s the best thing ever, then inevitably find it less than you expected? The reverse happened a bit for me, everyone had hated this so my expectations were low, and though the movie is problematic, because everyone I read was losing their minds, it wasn’t that bad.

That is not to say it was good.

So for me it’s a mixed bag of stuff. Things I liked and and things I did not.

The main problem with the movie is that it tries to fit everything in it and therefore nothing works because everything is trying to be in there. Since they try to cover everything, nothing is covered and everything suffers, including the flow of the movie. It’s one of the movies that I felt like I could see what they were trying to do, and maybe it would have worked if they didn’t slam everything in there.

So this is going to be a bit scattered because my thoughts are scattered. And warning: spoilers will be discussed.

I wish they would have just skipped the French Revolution altogether and assumed the audience had a working knowledge of it. Shoehorning it in didn’t work. We have a brief scene of Marie Antoinette running the halls with her children trying to escape arrest to then a fade out of her execution. Yes, it’s all wrong, she is too defiant, her hair is too long, her dress is wrong. I get what they are going for here and a defiant Queen is probably a bit more dramatic than one who apologizes to her executioner for stepping his his shoes. Napoleon in the crowd, even though he wasn’t really there, works in the dramatic licensing department and his reaction was actually good.

Then we are whisked to Napoleon getting into a meeting with Barras, who acts as a sort of a narrator to the audience to catch them up on the state of things and Toulon. What I dislike in this film is that they introduce the characters by flashing their names and titles on screen. Ugh. I do not like this. Napoleon gives his plans on what he’d do with Toulon and Lucien (he’s been mistaken as Joseph in some reviews) acts as interpreter to Barras over what Napoleon just said (What my brother is saying….) .

There is a bit of time spent at Toulon with Napoleon walking around the place and even melting cannons for new cannons. The British are brutes who yell at him calling him a “shitbag” and yelling at the locals to move their “fucking goats!” . No, they really had wandering goats.

The battle is intense. Now, I know a lot of complaints have been filed due to battle inaccuracies and too few of them. This isn’t a problem for me. I am not a scholar on Napoleonic warfare. I am a wimp when it comes to blood and gore. I dislike seeing people blown up but even hate seeing horses blown up more. So one of the first casualties of Toulon is Napoleon’s beautiful white innocent horse. It takes a cannon ball to the chest and it’s graphic and it makes me want to do a cry. The horse falls and Napoleon is thrown but regains his composure to go fight with one on one with some a combatant until someone else decapitates the guy with a sword.

One battle down more to go.

Barras magically is on scene to literally crown Napoleon general with a sword like the Queen knights people. Napoleon wanders away to his poor dead horse and fished out the ball lodged in the chest and hands it off to I think Junot with instructions to give it to someone. I thought I heard “for mother” but that can’t be it….can it?

Now we are back to revolution stuff and Robespierre is being denounced. Why are we putting this in here? It’s too…whatever. He runs out of the chamber, tries to shoot himself when he can’t shoot the chamber and of course just ends up wounding himself in his jaw. Barras pops over to put his finger in the wound (ew sir) and tells him he missed and off to the guillotine for you “dear friend”.

Enter Josephine. She escapes her prison in her dramatic cloak where she is hugged by a nameless woman.

Enter Napoleon being instructed by Barras on the civilians uprising. There is a scene of Napoleon wandering through a crowd of citizens shouting long live the King. Napoleon places his cannon, the citizens line up and then boom! More bloodshed for everyone. People are mowed down, blood spray. The back crowd runs off and the camera pans to a woman trying to crawl away with her severed foot in the street. No horses dead thankfully.

Back to Josephine in her cloak walking empty Paris streets and looking at various overturned debris. Is she just walking the streets for days? Is she coming upon the whiff of grapeshot? We don’t know.

Napoleon is now wandering around a Survivor’s ball. The lighting is gorgeous in here. Josephine has ditched her cloak for a dress her boob might escape from at any moment. She’s sitting with Barras with her insane asylum haircut and red long gloves and red ribbon neck decoration. Napoleon looks bored. Later Napoleon is still wandering around and Josephine is hanging out gambling. She notices Napoleon starring at her and confronts him. Here we meet Josephine with her dramatic British accent and Napoleon’s awkward American one (but it strangely fits all the same). She asks why he was starting and there is some back and forth but no lines from the trailer with her “has the course of my life change Napoleon?” Instead Napoleon tells her not to tell him her name and she stares at him and wanders off to gamble some more I guess. What?

Next is the scene with a very small Eugene doing the probably made up Napoleon myth scene of “Can I have my father’s sword please sir?” Napoleon and Junot have been throwing shit at the wall before this for…reasons. Napoleon explains to Eugene that he can’t give back the sword because citizens can’t have weapons. The boy says it’s a rememberance of his dead father. Napoleon asks what he is doing there and the boy says his mother said that Napoleon could. Napoleon then goes to a room with loads of swords that were taken from the executed officers. Napoleon asks if anyone thought to put names to them but no, they did not. Napoleon grabs a random sword and heads to chez Beauharnais. There everyone seems to know him, including the help, and he gives the maybe sword back to Eugene. Everyone thanks him and Napoleon tells Josephine that he gives his compliments to the house chef. ???

Now Napoleon has random meetings with Josephine that I guess is supposed to be their abbreviated courtship. Josephine stares into her makeup mirror and wonders aloud to her maid (Lucille) if she looks in love. They have random conversations about how her husband was executed in front of his mistresses. How she tried to get pregnant in prison to save her life. Will any of this bother Napoleon? Napoleon answers “no, madam”. She flashes him her nether regions and Napoleon just stares. Awkward. Some old lady behind me in the theatre went “oh!”

Oh well then it’s time to get married.Josephine has the fastest growing hair in the history of the world. Last scene she was a mental patient, now her hair is shoulder length. They are giddy, well Napoleon is, at the register’s. They are sure to share Josephine’s real name but then announce that Napoleon was born in February. What? Didn’t he just change the year and not the month of his birth? But none of it matters since they never discuss their age difference anyway.

They have a dinner party where Josephine flirts with Hippolyte Charles with Napoleon glowering and then we cut to the sexy time scene where Napoleon and Josephine have sex doggy style! Oh God. Cringe. Napoleon talks of having a son. Napoleon is very broody in this movie.

Napoleon is now in Egypt. Italy is mentioned only in a letter voice over where he happily informs Josephine that he was victorious in Italy. He wonders why she isn’t writing. Insert scenes of a naked butt Charles romping in bed with Josephine. Napoleon and the mamalukes line up by the pyramids and Napoleon fires the cannons. They hit the pyramids and then he just wanders away. Is this the battle? Lol One mamaluke falls off his horse. No horse casualties.

If you ever felt that General Dumas never got his moments to shine, well he is in this movie. He’s not singled out, you just have to know it’s him. He accompanies Napoleon to see a mummy. Napoleon looks at the mummy and goes to touch it’s cheek and the mummy shifts away from his touch. Is this like some omen that like Josephine, even dead mummy’s don’t want Napoleon touching them? Lol

Junot later informs Napoleon while they eat that Josephine is unfaithful. Napoleon tells Junot that he gets no dessert and to leave, which he does. They later meet up again and Napoleon tells him he’s off to France.

Napoleon lands to fanfare in France and greets the crowd with smiles and waves. He gets in the coach, finds an English paper making fun of him and Josephine’s affairs. He waves at people out the window. He arrives home to No Josephine but dogs! There are a lot of dogs in this movie that is a win for me. He questions Lucille on her whereabouts, throws wine at her and tips a chair over. Josephine arrives to her luggage in the yard and she goes to the locked door and….next scene she is in tears and Napoleon is yelling. She is a “selfish little pig” and how could she do this…why didn’t she think of his feelings? Josephine says sorry and Napoleon makes her say she is nothing without him.

The scene cuts to the first of many scenes of Napoleon sitting awkwardly on the couches with their heads on the back cushions staring at each other. Lol. Can’t they sit normal? What are these two adults doing? Here Josephine makes Napoleon recite to her that he is a brute that is nothing without her and “your mother”. Oh boy, Napoleon is a mama’s boy too.

Napoleon has a meeting with those in charge which is a great scene of him telling all of them that they aren’t fit to run France. They accuse him of deserting his army in Egypt. He points out one by one why they can’t serve getting to one man and saying “though you can scowl very well!” He marches out saying that they have nerve questioning him when they have ruined France and he has found out his wife is a slut.

Napoleon has brunch with Sieyes and he invites him to a coup. Scenes follow of the various men being arrested or asked to step down. One man tries to escape by running up the stairs and then getting into a slap fest with two soldiers. Dumas arrests another man who says he can’t believe this he was just about to have a “scrumptious breakfast!” Dumas escorts him out leaving his hysterically crying wife saying “enjoy your breakfast”. Talleyrand tells Barras of his dismissal to which Barras says he will gladly go back to being a private citizen.

The coup is hysterical. But it was, wasn’t it? Napoleon gets manhandled and runs away falling down a flight of steps and barricading the door from the mob. He can barely stand up. Now I know some of this rubs scholars the wrong way but the coup was about as good as this. Napoleon was given a horse that he couldn’t control and was almost thrown off.

Now Napoleon is talking to Caulaincourt who talks to him about the czar. This scene actually works well. Napoleon walks around questioning and using his knife to hack away at the furniture.

Napoleon confronts an ambassador and screams at him. Here is where he shouts “you think you are so great because you have boats!”before stomping out. It is laughable but again, Napoleon was known to do this at times. He did kick one ambassador in the stomach once for no reason.

Talleyrand says hey why don’t you become Emperor. Napoleon laughs and pinches his ear.

Napoleon leads an older woman around. You guessed it! Mama is on scene. Napoleon walks her over to Josephine where Madame Mere says “This must be Josephine!” They nod at each other and then Madame Mere says “Is that Charles?” and wanders off to talk to Talleyrand. Who knew they were friends?

Napoleon still is broody. He walks in on Josephine dressing and acts like a horse, baying and stomping the ground. Josephine dismisses the maid and says “you nasty man” and more doggie style sex! She tells him her nether regions are his. Cringe.

Napoleon the next morning questions Josephine on why she isn’t pregnant. She makes excuses but says she has been busy cleaning up his messes. Napoleon whimpers again, crawls under the table and grabs her.

It’s coronation time baby! No lead up, just happens. Hippolyte Charles is there to give the evil eye to the imperial couple. Josephine looks at him as she walks by. Barras comes out of nowhere to get a prime seat up at the Dias. The pope is pretty enthusiastic proclaiming Napoleon emperor. The end.

Now Napoleon is watching David paint his portrait with a model as Talleyrand says he needs to divorce.

Now we are at Austerlitz. This is beautifully shot. There are lots of blood in the water and sadly dead horses. This doesn’t seem to be a lake they are falling into, but the ocean as they sink sink sink forever.

Now Napoleon is chatting up Emperor Francis.

Now there is a montage of happy Napoleon and Josephine moments. Napoleon plays with a dog while Josephine smiles. Napoleon and Josephine share a bath.

Now Napoleon and Josephine sit at a dinner party and Napoleon asks in front of everyone why isn’t she pregnant? Awkward. Josephine says there hasn’t been much love making in the place. Awkward. Napoleon’s mother is even like “ew”. Napoleon says that is a lie. There has been years and years! Josephine fires back that he is a fat fat fatty. Napoleon says that is true, he likes to eat, destiny brought him this lamb chop. Josephine throws food at him. Napoleon throws food at her. She throws more. WTF is going on here? No lie, an older man behind me in the theater whispered in this scene to his wife “he’s probably been putting it in the wrong hole. “

Madame Mere is the one and not Caroline to tell Napoleon she has rounded up a girl for him to see if he can get her pregnant. She says it’s time to know who is at fault. Napoleon and she drink brandy while Napoleon studies his feet. She says the girl, Elenore Denuelle, is waiting for him naked in the bed. Napoleon asks if he can have another brandy. He pauses at the door while mama shooes him in.

Next scene Madame Mere tells Napoleon the happy news of Elenore’s pregnancy.

Napoleon and Josephine have an awkward stare conversation sliding down on the couch.

Napoleon announces over dinner with Josephine the divorce. She tears up but then laughs. Napoleon leaves in a huff.

The divorce scene. Josephine has tears rolling down her cheeks. Napoleon sniffles and roughly wipes her face and his. He reads his statement. Barras is also somehow here too. Standing in the audience like a bad omen. Napoleon scolds Josephine to read her statement. She can’t get through it because she keeps laughing. I guess we are going for hysterical laughter but it plays wrong. And of course the history is that she cried so much she had to have the statement read by someone else. Here she gets slapped by Napoleon to her shock and everyone else’s but still laughs her way through it.

Josephine leaves in her carriage and lands at someplace that is Malmaison but is not Malmaison. She walks around gloomy. Napoleon visits her and puts his hat on her head. Tells her to cheer up.

Napoleon chats with the Czar and tries to marry his sister.

Napoleon is now meeting Marie Louise. Now the casting is all screwed up. Napoleon ages through the film but for some reason Josephine never does. Josephine is taller than Napoleon even though she was in reality shorter. Marie Louise is a black haired little thing when in reality she was taller than Napoleon.

Napoleon is given his son. He cries. He’s been wanting a kid for a long time, man. Napoleon takes the baby to Malmaison to visit Josephine who looks like for a second she might throw the baby over a Cliff.

Napoleon is off to Russia. Cossacks attack. Napoleon rips off little pieces of bread to his troops as they walk by. They fight at Borodino and Napoleon is leading a Calvary charge but what the hell? He’s wearing his Italian uniform. Since when did fat Napoleon get into his closest and grab up his ornate uniform? My guess is that this was meant to be Italy, they scrapped it for time and used this footage for Borodino thinking no one would notice.

Napoleon find Moscow abandoned including the Kremlin that has apparently been abandoned for decades as pigeons have taken over the place and have shit all over the czar’s nice throne. Napoleon fits so he sits. Birds continue to shit on it. I think this is supposed to be some poetic metaphor.

Napoleon wakes up flames. He comes out and asks who did this. Luckily the marshals are all there waiting and inform him. He wants to march to Petersburg. They tell him no because of winter. Napoleon puts his hands over his ears and then screams into his hat. Chill man.

Napoleon marches back in snow. Dead people. Men eating horses. Not the horses!!

Oh Napoleon is abdicating. That’s quick. Surprisingly Barras is missing from the audience.

Napoleon lands on Elba and parades around. Josephine greets the Czar and dances with him in a really stupid dress. Malmaison is always cloudy with fog and rain. Always. Every scene. Napoleon sees a paper on Elba that mocks him about Josephine entertaining the czar and him being cuckolded again. But they are divorced? He beats the paper on the table. He then writes to Josephine and tells her that he is coming back to France to reclaim his stuff including her. So I guess we don’t care about Marie Louise or baby anymore.

Btw, Josephine should be dead by now.

Josephine is shown being ill and the doctor telling her to open her mouth. He says her chest is congested and her throat inflamed and recommends going to bed. But she says Napoleon is coming over and over again. I don’t think Josephine ever called a Napoleon Napoleon either.

Napoleon gets on ship and lands on French soil. Kisses it. Josephine dies. Finally. Too late.

Napoleon greets his troops. They go to his side. He lands at Malmaison and learns from Hortense that Josephine is dead from diphtheria. Napoleon is mad at her. Why didn’t anyone tell him? He wants her letters that he wrote to her. Hortense says the valet stole them and sold them. Napoleon cries. Hortense apologizes and Napoleon says he forgives her. For what though?

Napoleon is at Waterloo. Rupert Everett is Wellington but all I can think is damn he’s old. I remember when he was a heart-throb in movies and now he’s old Wellington. Battle. Dead horses (no!!!) dead men. This is the longest battle filmed.

Napoleon is on the Bellerophon giving a class to a bunch of boys. Wellington for some reason comes for a meeting and Napoleon and he are rather friendly to each other. I wonder where Barras is? He could be here. He wasn’t. But he could be. Wellington dashes Napoleon’s hopes of remaining in England and tells him he will be off to St. Helena “a rock really”. Napoleon laughs.

At long last, Napoleon is on St. Helena with a voice over with Josephine talking to Napoleon. Next time she will be Emperor and he will have to listen to her. Napoleon is shown washing his face. Napoleon is shown drinking wine at his desk while plantblow out of the ground outside his window. There is a dead fly in his wine that he fishes out. Napoleon is at an outdoor table while Betsy Balcombe and some other girl fence with sticks. Napoleon grills them on the capitals of Europe. They do the Moscow story. How it was burned to get rid of the French. Napoleon asks who told them that and then throws dates at them as they run back to play. Another voice over from Josephine. She tells Napoleon she has prepared a place for him why doesn’t he come? We see Napoleon’s back and his famous hat from the back as he sits at the table. Come she tells him and we will try again. Napoleon drops over dead. Well, that’s not how it went but okay.

Jesus. That was a lot. I will do my final thoughts tomorrow.

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