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[natasha-leann-421]

5 posts!

[natasha-leann-421]

My Morning.

The sound of my toddler playing is echoing in my brain at the highest frequency right now. I feel like my ears might actually bleed. It’s not his fault. He’s just playing. He just peed on the floor and pooped his pants too. He’s not done that in a while. What’s the deal? I just bleached the floors this week and cleaned my apartment so good and then yesterday it was infested with ants and my kid destroyed everything. I have $40 to my name. My bills this month are about $500 that I don’t have because I got this new job thinking it was great and all the sudden, I’m only getting about 6-8 hours a week. I can’t even feed myself with that, how am I supposed to feed my child? And then there is my boyfriend. He is so special to me. I am afraid I am pushing him away because I am fucking crazy. I just hope that he stays. I need more coffee. I’m out of coffee. I made eggs and toast for my toddler and I, and of course he never eats anything hardly. We waste so much food. I just watch money go to waste all the time. Am I to my limit? I literally have no idea what to do right now. I’ve asked my family for help, but I am almost 30 years old. I should have my shit together. I mean, going through the divorce and moving into an apartment and adjusting to a new life has been difficult, and I was used to being a stay at home mom while working on college, which I am failing one of my classes right now. What do I do? How do I get out of all this? How do I push through? Everyone thinks I am fine. I am far from fine. The cold hard truth, that no one wants to hear…….is that every second I am alone…..I want it to end. I want the thoughts to go the fuck away. I want the struggle to stop. I want to stop worrying. I want to sleep. I want to stop sleeping so much sometimes. I want to stop snapping, I want to learn to speak up and say things with substance. I know what I want, but I don’t know how to get there. Is it possible? Is it hopeless? Either way, I’m exhausted and it’s only 9 AM. God help me. 

[natasha-leann-421]

(via https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sTRt54aL7O0) 

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[natasha-leann-421]

Anxiety today.

I have to be at work in less than an hour. I fight this battle in my head everyday whether or not to give up. I am trying so hard to stick with it. On the outside I look like I’m careless and just don’t appreciate having a job. The problem is I have GAD and Bipolar Unspecified. I am in a constant battle in my head. Some days I just can’t get my body to move. I can’t talk myself into anything. I am not happy working most jobs and I feel like it’s because I’m striving to be a musician. That’s where my passion is. It’s the one thing that I am happy doing. Unfortunately, that is highly unlikely to ever happen. Music is my therapy. I just wish I could get my brain to work the way I want it too. I want to be motivated to go to work. I have bills to pay, that should be enough. Some days I just can’t. It’s not that I’m lazy. I’m far from lazy. It’s just that my mind is going constantly and it’s exhausting. It literally exhausts me. There’s always worries, lists of things to do, schedules to follow, fitting in family time, etc. I can’t seem to get it right. It’s just one of those days. I have to make myself seem normal (whatever that is these days) and put a smile on my face and pretend that I am not thinking about how much I’d rather be resting or doing something else that needs to be done. I have so much homework, I can’t get that off of my mind. School is so important to me. I have one semester left. Working and dealing with my anxiety is hard for me. Most people probably don’t understand why that would be hard. But, it is. I have so much to do, all the time. I end up not doing most of it because I get so overwhelmed. 

[natasha-leann-421]