nathanarmageddon

[nathanarmageddon]

Haven't ponyposted in week feel like shit

I just stopped enjoying like doing anything ever

Mamasita needs a vacation its not depression it's stress and also I forget to take my pill and then I give up taking my pill and then I'm like .. oh I'll be fine without it.. no... You stupid bitch...........

[nathanarmageddon]

Bored as fuck and so cold can't my find. Find. My pyjamas butt ass naked .

[nathanarmageddon]

NEED a massage my body is in PAIN

[nathanarmageddon]

You know what I actually hate drinking and that's coming from a former alcoholic. When you drink every bone and muscle in your body begs to lay down but strains to keep dancing. And your eyes fall asleep but your mouth keeps singing to shitty karaoke and you can't get any of the words right. And your feet ache. And your back aches. And the room is spinning every second you try rest until your belly feels sick. And you shake and puke and feel so cold and confused. And you dance between the lines of not being drunk enough to have fun and being too drunk and too sick to have fun and hitting that good spot is like trying to hit a bullseye while blindfolded. And everyone hates you. But they usually want to keep drinking so you keep drinking. And then you're hungover and bedbound for a day.

I prefer the get stoned because the whole world feels like your bed. And every bit of your body blurs into one fuzzy thing. And your brain is so so quiet for the first time in a long time. And the whole world is quiet. And you don't have to dance and sing and talk you can just sit there so quietly and just feel..great. and stare at a stain on the table or the patterns on the carpet and just feel so at peace. And if you feel sick you can just close your eyes and fall until you're comfortable again. Like the whole world wants to hold you and be quiet as you normally are.

I got more sober from alcohol this year because I wanted to and because I had to. Because I didn't like who I was when I was drunk and I was upsetting the people I love the most with my actions. Then everytime I got drunk it was like my whole body reminded me of what I did and who id become and that was enough for me to say id change and stick with it.

I don't really enjoy drinking anymore since getting better. But I still drink every week otherwise I wouldn't really socialise or leave my flat, and I'm worried about missing out - but missing out on what it's the same shit every week? Although on second thought I wouldn't mind that too much because I love my flat and laying in bed and drawing and napping and daydreaming all day. Then I eat dinner and watch a jerma stream. Do some writing and go to sleep. And I don't really talk much anyway. Because I never have the energy. That quiet life sounds so nice. I think I'll stop drinking every week. I think I'll stay home next week. I don't think I'll mind.

I'll have a cigarette by the common room and do some coding. I'll have a late night dinner and an early nights sleep. I'll smoke some pot and listen to music. I'll speak more with my internet friends for once if I get lonely. Because I love the people I've met on the internet. I'll be fine

[nathanarmageddon]

Triple vodka coke Four apple shots One Jagerbomb and One. double vodka lemonade

[nathanarmageddon]

Bored at the gay bar Getting drunk isn't even fun since I stopped being an alcoholic this year man I just wanna get a pizza and go to bed

[nathanarmageddon]

do you think he's been flicking his bean

[nathanarmageddon]

Sat on my nasty toilet in my tiny filthy bathroom hiding from the fire alarm and smoking weed in my panties

[nathanarmageddon]

Toyhouse and AO3 is the only place the entire nylon lore will ever publicly be because I can't even talk about nylon on Instagram because it's the nastiest shit. Ohh. The Toyhouse is going to go into EVERYTHING. EVERY little detail. In loosely chronological order.

The page I've coded so far is looking good!! I think I'm nearly done with the coding except for some more info boxes for health, relationships and sex dynamics and some slight tweaks and a sad attempt to make it more mobile friendly. Then I think I should start actually writing and anything else I want to add can come later

[nathanarmageddon]

Thinking about making a nylon Instagram after I finish their Toyhouse pages

That's six characters and multiple drawings for each page and so much writing. I'm cooked chat

[nathanarmageddon]

The urge to Infodump about my characters so many people have dmed me saying how much they love them and it makes me so happy but god I need to finish these Toyhouse pages so I can just link people their info instead of spamming one hundred messages of lore

[nathanarmageddon]

i have such stockholm syndrome for my teenage years in comprehensive school. I miss the blazers and ties and scratchy trousers that sounded like velcro when you walked. And the big green metal gate id rock up late to in Y8. And the grotty corridors too narrow for all the kids and they all hate you or at least dislike you. I miss the chavs and the roadmen that made me fear for my life so much I had to change my route to classes. I miss sitting in the back of English drawing by the radiator when I got the best seat in final year. I miss watching the sun rise from the classroom windows as much as I miss the dark mornings. I miss the inclusion corridor painted in a pale hospital green and how good it felt to be missing class down there. I miss sitting nestled with my group of friends before I lost them all in a crook in the wall I think we dubbed 'the cave'. I miss the coursework PE lessons where all I'd do is draw bullshit on MSpaint on their laptops. I miss the mould in my bag that smelled so bad. I miss getting rocks and pizza and cigarettes thrown at me. I miss when the stairways would flood and we'd all get a day off. I miss tutor lessons where it was never really an actual lesson, just fifteen minutes of pratting about. I miss washing my hair in the toilet sink. I miss being a mitski fan experiencing literal psychotic symptoms for two years and I never became the person I was before that again. I miss the cool art competitions they sometimes held. I miss the free toast during exam season. I miss science class with my boyfriend where we'd doodle on a piece of paper handing it back and forth. I miss the year I had a science substitute teacher who was so funny and it was also the class I got the name I'd keep forever from my best friend. I miss book club despite the many arguments I had there. I miss leaving school when it was dark out and coming home to fall asleep and wake up when mum was done with dinner. I miss watching people saw chairs in half with the elastic strings of COVID masks. I miss the days where I had double of my favourite lessons. I miss when it finally started to get warm and you knew you'd be out for summer soon so everyone starts to relax.

And on the final day after the final exam I felt nothing because I hated that school and what it turned me into because I started as such a lovely person with everything in the world and left with nothing but a wank haircut and anorexia as my closest friend. When people came in for the final time they all wore their white shirts for people to sign and I didn't even bother because I couldn't imagine I'd ever want to remember that place.

I think it just boils down to being young and being there for five years. It's just so familiar and you spend so many hours there it becomes a second home and you never really get that again. It was a horrible horrible horrible experience that I literally had to get therapy for and yet I still think of it so fondly for some reason. More than college. And I liked college until final year. I went from a literal daily nightmare in comp to smoking cigarettes in the sunshine on the college field with my friends. I went from no friends to houseparties with people I genuinely liked. But two years in college is nothing. Not enough to get attached to it or settle down into some sort of familiarity.

I enjoyed those college years and finally thought my life was looking up until the final few months where everything fell to bits due to me smashing a mirror and getting seven years bad luck. And I left again with not much to show for it but another eating disorder and my painting in an art gallery. And since then I've just been like fuck it. Just keep moving. I've nearly finished my first year in uni and if I blink the next two will probably fly by. I've got three months left at my shitty flat that costs me £953 a month and after that I wind up back at home in the same old sticky black oil. And I'll really miss not living with my girlfriend. And I'll really miss not being able to have my own space and being able to be completely impossible to contact for my own sanity. I'll miss that city. I'll miss having somewhere else to go instead of couchsurfing to get away from my stepdad and my mum when she's pissing me off. It's this house driving me mental everytime I come to visit. It's the fact I live next to my old school. And I can never sleep in my bedroom.

Don't know what I'll do after uni, probably work some random job for a year and if I can't get a decent job go back to uni to do my PGCE + work placements and teach for a bit and hopefully move out securely. Even if it's some wee nasty place. I think I've been wanting familiarity of a place that feels like home. That's probably all I miss. I keep telling myself if I work hard enough, and really play my cards right, I can get that feeling back.

[nathanarmageddon]

my.girl likes my buzzed hair grown out and spikey but I think I look like a blowdried coconut mI like it short n scary because I have the least menacing face known to manBut I cry everytime I shave it so maybe I should listen to my wife

[nathanarmageddon]

tumny hurts

[nathanarmageddon]

Today I'm going shopping and spending my gift card before it expires then I'm going to get some groceries and get the coach back to my flat and smoke my evil weed and maybe have a nap and then hopefully draw & look for cheaper flats I might be able to move into in September

After smoking my own weed for the first time in ages I have seen the light again. These bitches are smoking not suspicious pot putting tobacco and shit in it.I'm honking on that thinking man I don't feel a thing but a lightness on my heavy soul. One honk on MY horribly rolled creation and you can feel every strand of your lovers hair against the light grooves of your fingerprints & everything else finally fades away. Two honks and you're hearing instruments you've never heard before in all your favourite songs & you've eaten a whole pack of ham with your eyes closed. Four honks and you're blacking out and falling through space and time with a runny nose completely unable to stop blinking talking about how houses were built to echo our voices in the universe to repel the gods & all you can see is your soul buzzing and when you touch anything it vibrates through your whole body and if it's too rough it hurts like electrocution. Five honks you meet the devil. I love it so much hahaha I wish I knew where it came from and what the fuck is wrong with it

[nathanarmageddon]

I don't like being transgender I wish I was a girl the way a cis girl is a girl or a man the way a cis man is a man . How am I supposed to be proud of something I never wanted to be. How am I supposed to be proud of being born wrong.

[nathanarmageddon]

Haven't selpt. Slept before 5am in over a month mow