neatao

[neatao]

more of John crashing out

“It wasn’t the same for me, Dave.”

“I don’t think that’s fair of yo—”

“No, you don’t understand. Unlike all of you, my life was normal. I had a father who cared for me, cooked and cleaned and worked a normal job, taught me how to ride a bike and how to bake muffins and cakes. And things were a little rough for me. My dad pulled me out of school after I was bullied, and I’d spend most days just inside, watching movies or browsing the internet. But that was essentially the only adversity I ever faced. How could any of that prepare me for the shit we all went through? I wasn’t forced to learn how to be independent because of any kind of neglect, or how to fight through constant physical abuse.”

“Well shit, sorry to hear your life wasn’t fucked up enough for you.”

“I had it so good, and it’s all gone now. My father is dead. My original group of friends, dead. The life I knew, completely destroyed. The second we booted up that game, I had to learn on the fly how to survive by just… fucking being okay with everything. That’s what everyone expected of me, and I couldn’t let you guys down. I already had so little going for me. I never believed I was good enough, but you guys did, and so I just shoved it all down, anything negative I felt, anything that made you guys worried about me or doubt me. But it was still there, simmering below the surface. Because you know what? I’m not perfect, and I’m sick of everyone expecting me to be.”

“I’m a fucking failure. I failed so many times, fucked up everything for my friends, and left them all behind, decaying in dead universes while I got to keep prancing along with my head up my ass.”

“John…”

“Now that it’s all over, it’s like… I don’t feel like I deserve to be happy. I have nothing. No ambitions. Nobody left. My powers aren’t useful to anyone. Why is everyone trying so hard to act like we’re just normal adults, living normal lives? The marriage, the children, the politics. I can’t get invested in that shit. We created a fucking universe as teenagers. Did my father really die so I could essentially play house with my friends? I just feel so stuck in what my life used to be. I just spend all day watching all of my old movies and eating junk food and not taking care of myself, because I don’t know how. I’m still just a kid inside. There’s no adversity in my life again. We are just handed everything. None of this has real consequences. We don’t have to do anything if we don’t want to. What’s even the point of living?”

[neatao]

internalised homophobia dirkjohn :3

Being around Dirk had come so easily, at least before Jade had gotten in his head about the whole Jake situation. John was sure Dirk wouldn’t do something like that, wouldn’t use him as some kind of replacement for his ex, so it couldn’t be that which worried him. John and Dirk were just friends, good friends who lived together and spent every day in each other's company.

He knew Dirk was gay but that didn’t mean anything. Obviously gay people can have male friends. John wasn’t questioning that. It was just that everything felt different now. Despite his best efforts to convince himself there was nothing to worry about, John found himself overanalyzing every little interaction.

Dirk had put his hand on John’s shoulder the other day as he passed him on the way to the kitchen. He’d done it a million times before Jade said anything but now the touch made John’s ears burn and his heart race with panic. When Dirk sat next to him to watch movies on the couch, John’s favorite night of the week, and picked one of John’s favorite films just to mock it, joking that John’s bad taste was contagious, John felt his throat go dry and his hands turn clammy.

All he could focus on that night was the closing space between them as they sank into the soft cushions.

The truth was, John was scared. Scared when Jade made that accusation against Dirk, pointing out the noticeably flirty dynamic between them. John was scared there might be some truth to it, that maybe Dirk was flirting with him and maybe, unintentionally, John had been flirting back. He hadn’t meant to lead Dirk on if that was the case. John was straight. He didn’t intend to question that. He was just confused.

So John started pulling away. He needed to make things right. He didn’t want to accuse Dirk of anything, he could even be mistaken, but when Dirk reached out to touch him, John did his best to avoid the contact without making his reservation too obvious.

[neatao]

I like how the homestuck pilot stuff is just giving everyone a rude awakening that a lot of indie creators know each other and respect each others work and that your individual cringe does not exist in a vacuum. And that at the end of the day you’re all clowns.

[neatao]

so bECAUSE OF THE PILOT TRAILER I WENT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING AT 12AM SO NATURALLY SOMEONE THOUGHT I WAS BEING MURDERED AND CALLED THE POLICE AND WHEN THEY GOT HERE I HAD TO GIVE THEM MY EXPLANATION FOR SCREAMING AT 12AM SO I JUST SAID HOMESTUCK AND ONE OF THE COPS EYES SUDDENLY GOT REALLY BIG AND THEN HE SAID "VIVZIEPOP HOMESTUCK ANIMATED SERIES PILOT TRAILER??!?" AND THEN HE WATCHED THE TRAILER ON HIS PHONE I HAVE A GROWN POLICE MAN SITTING IN MY DRIVEWAY CRYING ON HIS PHONE I HAVE A GROWN POLICE MAN SITTING IN MY DRIVEWAY CRYING AND CURSING AT HUSSIE UNDER HIS BREATH HIS PARTER GAVE HIM A SHOCK BLANKET OH MY GOD

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old roommates drawings i never posted

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just messing around with some new brushes :P

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so theres this webcomic

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more stuff from the junk drawer lol, had this in drafts for way too long

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my take on human gangle

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The nature of depression is it makes you feel empty.

Kris lost everything they had known in one fell swoop.. their family fell apart, they stopped doing the things they loved, stopped spending time with the people they cared about, stopped trying in school. Their side of the room could have been full of the things that made them them at one point, but with no motivation or passion anymore, they threw it all away, their room becoming symbolic of how they feel, empty.

That emptiness, no ambition, no control, it would have made them the perfect candidate to be our vessel. That’s why Gaster and subsequently Carol, chose Kris.

[neatao]

ok ok ok but imagine this…

to have kris and berdly go to the festival together you’re either playing a neutral route or pacifist route because he’s obviously in a coma or something in the weird route so non of the fucked up shenanigans that truely make kris hate the player because the player hadn’t given them any reason to believe they’re working against them or anything sketchy like thaaaat and it’s just the whole hating the situation and being forced into the role of a puppet that fuels kris’s behaviour toward the player

sooo i imagine the pacifist player as having a certain dynamic with kris… like thisss

the player is just like a bit of a nuisance, making decisions for Kris based on their perception of things without much consideration for Kris’s feelings or opinions on the matter, aka the date with berdly

thinggggg is i could totally see Kris coming around to it, starting to develop feelings after spending some time with berdly in a romantic context and the player celebrating their matchmaking abilities

[neatao]

Holy fucking shit, I just had a revelation about Chapter Two’s Dark World. Its entire existence revolves specifically around Noelle and Berdly. The main antagonist, the Queen, seems to be a reflection of both of their mothers specifically. The Queen isn’t a universal mom, she’s just the personification of Noelle and Berdly’s toxic relationships with their mothers.

Noelle’s mother is ambitious and overbearing and sets high expectations for Noelle. Constantly feeling the pressure of high standards, she developed low self-esteem and a people-pleaser attitude; she feels fearful of her mother and trapped by her expectations. She spends the whole chapter being hunted down by the Queen so she can be locked away and used by the Queen as a tool, without consideration for what Noelle wants or how she feels.

For Berdly, the Queen sees him as a burden. He spends the whole chapter trying his best to impress her, and she continues to avoid and ignore him. He felt, as a child, that he was forgettable, and so he latched onto the hope of being appreciated and recognised for his intelligence. He set his own high expectations for himself and pushed himself to appear impressive out of insecurity caused by neglect and a need for praise and notoriety, in an attempt to impress his parents and receive the attention he so desperately craved.

The puzzles in the Dark World consist of spelling tests, the very thing that set Berdly on his path of academic achievement and established the dynamic between himself and Noelle. One of the puzzles literally has us spell out “December” with Noelle, the word that cost her the spelling bee, which Berdly feels a lot of guilt over. The puzzles also become more complicated, forcing Berdly to reckon with his own intelligence and confront the arrogance he uses as a front to hide his insecurity.

The other main puzzle involves redirecting the mice, addressing one of Noelle’s fears in a way that forces her to confront and overcome it. It starts with her facing something small she’s afraid of, giving her the confidence to work her way up to facing bigger fears, ultimately allowing her to speak up for herself against a caricature of her greatest fear: her own mother.

It makes me think about how Chapter One’s Dark World helped Susie open herself up to other people by helping her realize she’s a good and caring person, even if she tries hard to close herself off from others by appearing mean and scary. It forces her into the role of a hero, making her face her own reluctance to accept that she could be more than the villain role she’d resigned herself to, breaking the cycle of negative reinforcement she’d found herself trapped in.

I mean, the Dark Worlds are a product of how the Lightners that create them perceive things. It makes sense to assume that this could extend to forming in ways that help the Lightners in whatever way they most need at that time. Ralsei attributes their own existence to purely being there to assist the Lightners in whatever way they need, that is technically the purpose of Darkners and by extension the Dark Worlds.

[neatao]

Guysss Kris was an unsettling type of creepy, not a psychopath!!!

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i might post deltarune stuff for a while :P

LOOK AT THEMMMM THEYRE SO ASKLFJDKFLJDLK

[neatao]

EVERYBODY SHUT UP DELTARUNE TOMORROW