needlesslyselfindulgent - Tumblr blog

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will it ever be enough? when someone loves you, you feel something curl inside of you, sour and whiplike, angry at being unheard. they don't really love you, they love this facsimile you have ensconced in your rabbit body. they will chop up the bits of you looking for luck and never find the good soul you promise - their love slides off. you're viscera; you have spent a lifetime promising the blood is art.

oh but when someone hates you - well, they're right to. and you'd trip over your little grassknot legs for them. begging them to reconsider. you feel it all knifeedge, spinepoint straight through you. they're the ones who see the real you, after all; and if they can love you, you might finally feel worth something.

but if they do love you in the end, after all of that, after your heart like a fawn opens to gutter under them - you've fooled them, and it isn't worth anything anymore. they've just gone and fallen for it. the love slides right off.

once, you heard a line in a musical about being abandoned. you laughed at the time, unnerved. your voice a keen; too shaky to be candid.

will it ever be enough. will the love ever diffuse through your skin and sink into your marrow. are you even capable of feeling that - of feeling cared for - or are you still waiting, even right now, for the hunter to draw the bow and arrow. if you trust that love, even once, and are wrong, you know exactly what will happen.

and somehow you know - you'll never be able to fix that, once it's been broken.

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I am a mosaic of everyone I have ever known and loved and touched and I find fragments of them in my playlists and how I make my tea. we may not know each other any more but we will stay connected like this. I hope a fragment of me is with you too.

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has a breakdown about what a lonely life it is. goes for a walk with headphones in. purchases a beverage at the supermarket. you know how it goes

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i’m still in survival mode. for context, my brother was extremely angry about being called in for work at 10 am (like screaming,slamming things ect ect) and i just so happened to be downstairs at that point. so i was hiding in the bathroom, staying so, so quiet while hearing this fucking 16 year old throw a tantrum at 2 am.

hes still angry today,  i think. he sounded frustrated and hes being all stupid and self destructive and ive been quieting my footsteps and my chest gets all tight when hes loud or anybody else is loud. im just. scared still.

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i want to be a fire and i want to burn bright, i want to be defiant and selfish and desperate and pitiful, i want to betray and lie and use and beg. i want everyone who meets me to know this, i really wish they did. because now im trapped, now im burning and smoking and its all spilling out and they dont even know. its not fair to them, its not like they knew what they were getting into

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will i ever be good again? i want you to love me and i need you to hate me i hate when you love me you make me better you make me so much fucking better and its exhausting god, i want you to hate me, please just fucking hate me

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ive labeled myself as aroace, not feeling romantic or sexual attraction. all well and good.

i think im scared that i might have been wrong, i think im scared because i dont want people to be angry about me “pretending” or “lying” but i wasnt trying to do either of those, i just... was trying to make sense of it all.

i. im trying to write out how i feel, on paper and all. im trying to admit that... i want to be. Held. by him. and i feel so ashamed and embarrassed about it? even if it was Platonic and shit, i still feel, weird. 

its probably a side effect of cring c/lture but i just... i feel so stupid doing it, so stupid feeling it

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i want you to love me like i am a person

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no one will ever love me, not in the way i need them to.

my love language wastes your time, quality time and acts of service

quality time is sitting on the couch next to each other without a word, legs touching, hand on mine, some type of touch to ground me to the moment. its taking time out of your day to spend with me, but it doesnt have to be big, or loud, or even heard. we can just... be. (can you let me just be?)

acts of service is grabbing an extra coat when they always forget one. its waking up before them and turning on the coffee machine, as they always forget to turn it on just before work. its the little things, the things you dont need to do, the things that make life just that much easier.

they both waste your time, they both drag on with little benefit. i dont understand why anyone would want to do that with me. i dont know why theyd waste their time, a finite resource, on me, on making me happy.

it doesnt really matter if im happy, as long as they are, right? it doesnt effect them, it doesnt hurt them. thats what its all about, isnt it? self gain, self preservation, you spend time with people so you dont go insane, you touch people so your skin doesnt starve, you give them gifts so they do what their told, you tell them soft nothings so they fucking listen.

but those soft nothings are just that, nothing

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anger, hatred, fury. i consider it all the same. a negative, hateful emotion that serves only to harm me and those around me.

i think anger considers itself  as protection.

its the poison that curls around my heart when sharp words are shouted, its the wolf by my side, ready to defend and attack and bare its throat to protect my own. it attacks when im afraid, it is angry when nobody else is, it is whats telling me ‘that’s not okay, they can’t do that to you’

sometimes, i think anger hates itself too.

theres apathy. i think it considers itself a shield. anger is too impulsive, childish, it bares its throat far too easily. sadness is pathetic, vulnerable, desperate for touch, desperate for love. happiness is oblivious, no, ignorant, it doesn’t understand the others and it doesn’t want to.

apathy is careful, practiced. it hurts to cry and cry, it hurts to feel cold-hot fury run through my veins. it considers it the only way.

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*shaking myself by the shoulders* THEY DONT CARE !! STOP TRYING YOU DESPERATE BITCH!!! ITS EMBARRASSING AT THIS POINT!!!

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lucky is she, who lives unaware

who doesn’t get bothered by those who don’t care

lucky is she, who lives unaware

who doesn’t bothered by all thats unfair

unlucky me, who knows way too much

who fights to make changes and music and such

unlucky me, aware of the pain

all cause i happen to have some brain

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i hate you, i hate you so fucking much. you always whined and complained and you had it good. you had meals every night, you were happy. you were fine, you were ignorant and stupid and goddamn oblivious and you had it good. i hate you, i hate you so fucking much. just shut up for once, just shut the fuck up. you know nobody cares, you know nobody gives a shit about your stupid interests, theyre cringy anyway. god, youre so edgy, ‘oh look at me! another “DePrEsSeD” teen on the internet!’ dude literally shut up. you know nobody cares, its been proven time and time again, why do you keep trying? why do you keep reaching for people that just hit you back? why cant you fucking get it through your head? They. Dont. Care.

they dont want to hear about your day, they dont want to hear about the stupid shit you enjoy. its goddamn embarrassing just how much you reach for their validation. youll never get it, will you? youll always be a stupid kid who seeks attention because they can never fucking get enough of it, god, youre just insufferable

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im sad, i could try and string words together to make something bigger, something brighter then i. i don’t have the energy tonight. im sad. im tired. i dont want to be a person today

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oh, theres a hole in my chest. oh, im missing something. oh, i miss you

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oh, could you love me a little more today? could you love me the way i need you to? could you stand my selfish and ignorant ways a little longer? could you wait for me, the day i am better? could you wait for me? could we meet again, some distant day in the future? could you love me again?