neelimasadanand

[neelimasadanand]

In Resilience. Love, Me

Dear fellow survivor of abuse,

I’ve been thinking about this for a while. Wasn't sure when to bring it up or when we’d meet but I'd rather we had this on the table before hand. Let's face it. We're both dealing with different triggers, yet to understand them fully and that means we may not always hear what is intended when talking in person. This could mean arguments and fights even. It may not always be the case. But even if it is, that doesn't make me wary or less keen on being around you. Doesn't mean I won’t be as honest with you as I was before either. But I do worry about hurting you. As I type this out, I hold on to my faith that we will always orbit back to each other. I'm writing this email from two places - one of concern and the other of familiarity.

I’m trying to find the right balance - such that I don’t sound like I’m making this about my experiences. Because I know what you’re going through and I know how an experience like that alters a mind. Throughout this message, you’ll probably have voices saying variations of "everything isn't like it is for you” or "do you not think I already know these things" or “I cannot burden others with my grief”. I know where these voices come from. If this pisses you off, I'm willing to deal with that. I'm not going anywhere. I just want to push you to start healing -  before it becomes more difficult - and in time it does because more time means more to unpack.

I want to share some things that therapy has allowed me to see. And in turn helped me a lot. Whether you agree or not, is your call. If you feel this is a sort of imposition by me - you can ignore it too.

I will never be the person to force a timeline on how someone deals with their trauma and when. But I know signs of anxiety based in trauma well. The first step is to truly accept it happened. You know it did and you are angry about it when triggered. This isn’t the same as accepting that it has inflicted trauma. And you are aware of this too. I see you feeling ashamed about it having affected you - emotionally and otherwise. I see you being unable to  talk about it in a normal conversational setting - because you feel it is something you can/should only deal with alone or that it would "spoil" the day for others. I see you bring up how it's affected your equation with men but not actually acknowledge it such that you're gentle with yourself - you either brush it away or get mad at yourself. I could be horribly wrong, if so, correct me.

What happened with you was not your fault

What happened with you was not anything you could have been prepared for or avoided or handled better on that day

What happened with you was the result of a soulless, vile animal taking without caring for how and from whom he took.

You are still the most loving, resilient, strong person that you can be. What happened with you does not, will not define all of you. But it will affect you and it will take conscious work to move out of that lens. There will be some behavioural changes that you cannot immediately have control on. This is what trauma does. Accepting this does not make you weaker. It only makes you stronger for seeing it and pushing through life. If you don't accept that you have been affected in small and big ways - all help, well-intentioned ones even, will feel like an attack and lead you to spiral. But more importantly, acceptance is the actual start of healing (cliches are true what can I say). I hope you know none of the people in your life that you have trusted with this - see you as weaker. Our actions of wanting to be there are a response to seeing a loved one in pain - and not because we feel “you can't handle things alone anymore'. We may get it wrong a few times - what to say, how to be - but we will keep trying.

Abuse, when it happens, puts on this invisible filter that survivors can only feel during panic attacks but is always on. It's there when we hear someone's concerns as an attack on us. It's there when we find ourselves questioning why we deserve someone's support or time or why anyone should make the effort to stand by and support us when we know we're going to have many, many more breakdowns. It's there when we feel more abandoned by our people than usual. It's there when we decide to delve into work - look at work as the one thing that defines us and champions us because it's the one space that is unaffected. But what happens then is we don't cut ourselves slack - we hold ourselves to impossible standards and don't allow for humanity with ourselves. Our sense of validation depends solely on these benchmarks we've set for ourselves. Seeking validation isn't something to be ashamed of - it's human nature. But when it’s coming from a place of trauma -  it is very, very important that you're gentle with yourself in the process.

I just want to let you know - that when you are ready, and whenever that is - we can talk about the options for action. If you want to take any. But as of right now, I need you to take care of yourself. I feel that seeing a therapist will be immensely helpful for you. It will help you navigate your experience in healthy and safe ways. And be it the guilt, the shame or the anger - a professional will help you handle it better.

This is all I wanted to say. We don’t need to go through a one-on-one conversation that may put you in discomfort. We don’t need to speak of any of this at all. I mean it when I say - I will be there for you when you need me to. To the best of my abilities - and in whatever capacity you need me to.

In Resilience.

Love,

Me

[neelimasadanand]

gen z culture is being treated like a child while also being expected to make life changing decisions. “what a-levels to you want to do; what university courses are you going to take; what do you want to do with the rest of your life; “wait, no, you have to ask to go to the toilet or check the time on your phone or have a drink from a bottle that is literally right next to you”

[neelimasadanand]

What Is Up With Me

A year since medication began. And in its wonderful and weird ways, the universe has brought more mental health soldiers into my life this past year than ever before. And if there’s one of thing I’m more sure of now than ever - it’s the sheer power of being in an environment that shows you empathy. A few interactions I’ve had and a few I’ve watched my mutual have, push me to say this upfront – if you’ve been a part of my life and you have only ever seen my pixie level energy and my smiles and my love – know that this doesn’t mean I couldn’t come to you with my issues. In fact, it means you’re a constant source of happy to my pixie heart. And that Neelima is very real. She’s just not all there is in this tiny person.

I’ve been diagnosed with chronic anxiety and depression with dissociative tendencies. Now I wish I could condense what that means about me as a person but I’m still figuring out my patterns, so just stay with my while I blabber, yes?

I’m a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. And it happened between 4th-6th grade by the hands of a trusted family member. So I had no idea what had happened. My first exposure to mental health disorders was as a psychology student in 1st year college. This means between primary school and college, I went from not knowing something had happened, it had affected my personality and that I had developed coping mechanisms; to suddenly having my jigsaw pieces put into place. Unfortunately, I have faced harassment and sexual assault in multiple degrees, at multiple ages and in various places held ‘pure’ in my naïve mind post primary school as well. But I’d formed a default resilience to it so I never really did anything about any of it. So this and the resulting dramatic, bad relationships and stupid decisions is maybe broadly why I’ve come to be a patient of these disorders.

As time passed since school, I had visual reminders of the abuse. They’d pop up randomly and not in the right order. Just flashes of things happening. It’d be followed by confusion and anger that physically caused my head to ache. Kid me turned to the one thing she loves the most – music. I would put on earphones, listen to music and picture something completely different. And it always worked. Whether it was being angry through Chester and hurting through Cobain, Cornell and the works or partying with 50 Cent and Jay-Z or picturing my crush and I in a Signal Fire song :P This soon turned into my method of coping with pretty much anything drastic that happened. After a couple of years, I’m not sure when, I didn’t need the music to be able to do this anymore. Sit in one place, function in that place but have my mind operating elsewhere so I could block out my abuse or my anxiety.

With age, the lack of addressing my abuse caught up to me. From small panic attacks to full blown rage for reasons I could and couldn’t justify – a whole flurry of patterns began. And for the longest time I spoke to nobody about it. I’d have attacks in the hostel rooms, office loos, outside a gig, in the middle of a party – and I either choked on it or I distracted myself till I could ‘schedule’ a breakdown. When I say attack – it’s either uncontrollable crying or uncontrollable rage as a reaction to the thoughts my mind was throwing. While being able to control it and suppress it to that extent was a good thing back then, around 2 years back I lost my ability to do that. Neither could I control when I’d be triggered nor could I control my reactions. And the happy visual reels I’d put my mind in began to fall apart too. I caught myself not being able to control where they go and how bad they get and the more anxious I got – the line between what I was seeing in my head and how I was behaving started to blur. So there it is. A 24-year-old who can go out, do her job, meet her loved ones and be there for them – for whom the bad days meant vividly reliving her abuse while being wide awake, hallucinating in the middle of 300 people or just plain nightmares that made her feel like she couldn’t get up again.

I’m not sure if it was this lack of control over my once great coping mechanism or just all of the ‘not dealing with’ that has sprouted 3 distinct energies that are a part of me but the fact is – I’m in a place where I can call them my friends now. I could’ve just said voices in my head but too cliché no? So Ms. Question Mark, Ms. Bleu and Ms. Extra.

Ms. QM has been quite the jackass over the last 3-4 years. Convincing me that everything I say or do (sometimes even while I’m saying or doing things) is mediocre or somehow painting me as a fool. She refuses to go anywhere without her “I’m not good enough’ cap. It’s like waking up one day and everyone you ever knew is now on a higher pedestal than you, better in every way and deserving of company better than yours. She had me petrified of asking superiors at work for clarification, afraid of hanging out with my best friends and also sabotage perfectly fine dates. It’s like being on red alert with your guards up not knowing if there IS a problem but being sure that there CAN be one. Fun, real fun. She also does prove useful when the lady I will next speak of isn’t around – in making sure I’m more careful of surroundings, in picking up every cue in a room, in marking human red flags (yet I do not claim to not run after them, I am but a W.I.P.)

Then there’s Ms. Bleu. Who just shows up uninvited and you’ll never know if she’s leaving till she does. She brings along a general lack of affinity towards anything and everything I would usually enjoy, takes away all my motivation to take care of myself, keeps replaying the worst moments of my life and makes me feel like I’ve been running for weeks despite barely having gotten out of bed. She’s been a part of me for so long that my mind is now programmed to processing emotions late and not as and when the cause takes place. The most recent example would be crying over whether I’d make a good life partner – what with the maniac that I am, a week after my wedding so that I could finally feel joy about having met the gem that I have.

So one lady that makes me as good as a fused tube light and another that is a special-ops analytics team for absolutely no reason – you see how they make the most ironic team? One side keeps saying “are you sure it’s okay to do this?” and the other says “It doesn’t matter coz you don’t matter” for every third task of the day. Having anxiety and depression is being audience to a daily ping-pong match in your head, where you wait for the ball to be misplaced. Guilt, shame, self-loathing – ah the perfect sad song.

But there’s also the third lady who pops up every once in a while, and I quite like her - Extra. She makes me feel good and beautiful and energetic but also brings with her the risk of the ‘too much”. Drinking too much, taking too many impulsive decisions and recently - shopping for a whole load of shit I don’t need. Going overboard with meeting people and then not knowing where all my energy went. But I’ll take her over the other two any day.

So this is what is up with me. Any given day of the week, I’ll be handling one of the three while going about the rest of my life. The real assignment starts with my next rant about how I’ve gotten to make peace with these energies and am currently taking my life back, bit by bit. But till then – HEY! I’m Neelima Sadanand and I deal with all of this and if you are too – I’m here for you in whatever capacity the universe allows :)

[neelimasadanand]

depression culture is switching between doing buzzfeed quizzes, watching vine compilations on youtube, scrolling netflix for 45 mins then watching 20 mins of a movie u loved as a kid before getting bored and going back to doing buzzfeed quizzes 

[neelimasadanand]

Tiny Steps

Disclaimer – This post is a photo on an album that my family has no access to. While parents are aware of what you’re about to read, a lot of my family isn’t. And I’d like to keep it this way till I’m ready to deal with their reactions. 

Close to 6 months ago, I finally acted on something I’ve known for a long time and booked an appointment with a therapist. Subsequently, I was diagnosed with chronic anxiety and depression and began medication (with due understanding and no side effects so far. You’ll hear about this soon). Clinical diagnosis of a disorder I knew I was struggling with for over 8 years now owing to child sexual abuse and multiple stupid life choices - hasn’t frightened me but has been difficult. While it helps knowing I wasn’t just dreaming things up or plain crazy – the effort required to continue to want to help myself get better is quite daunting.I will write more about my experiences and how therapy has helped etc. when I find the footing to. And if you’d like to read of it, I’ll share it with you J This post isn’t for that. This is an apology and a request. Here goes.

The apology is to anyone and everyone in the last year that I haven’t been able to do enough for. Please don’t misunderstand. I’m not trying to flatter myself. But I do also know that I’ve changed a bit. Not into anything concrete, more like an energy ball stuck in flux.  And I do know that in a lot of my relationships, I’ve been less involved than I could. By which I mean forgetting to call back, forgetting to text back, forgetting entire conversations, cancelling multiple plans, seeming disinterested around you – you get the drift. This is not to use my disorder as an excuse. This is to let you know that I’m aware. I’m aware I haven’t entirely been myself and I’m sorry if it ever felt like my actions were out of ‘not caring enough’. I promise I’m working on it.

This brings me to my request.  I’ve typed and reworded and deleted this 7 times so far coz I think I sound like a selfish, self-indulgent, entitled idiot who can’t manage anything. And also because I can’t get myself to accept that I am in this place of need.  But. I’m trying this thing where irrespective of the multiple dark voices – I stand by the voice that helps me focus on my well-being.

I am learning and unlearning a lot of things about myself. Trying to recognize and accept a space that I’m comfortable with. This means I’m revisiting a lot of things I thought I always liked, believed in and ‘knew’. It means viewing me minus the filters of what is considered cool/acceptable/good/bad. It also means breaking a lot of habits and cultivating new, healthier ones. In simpler terms – do I really not smile enough and is that okay, if I always was the girl who went out and met 500 people why do I now feel less up for it and is it okay not to, is not having all of my career moves or at least some of figured out okay, if I always found contentment in listening to whoever approached me with the hard times their facing and trying to help them help themselves – why does it tire me now, where suddenly has my ability to trust in anything new gone, why am I reacting to incidents that happened years ago now, if crying in solitude worked till now why do I suddenly need more – and more.  I know the answers to most of these. But I’m not sure if I’ve processed the answer before accepting it and if they’re all healthy for me.

For all of this. My therapist says the most important thing is to spend time – mentally and physically with myself. This roughly translates to – MY BIGGEST NIGHTMARE. While the anxiety attacks are now less intense and my phases of low do shake hands with the good phases a lot more than before - I’m still understanding my triggers and how to combat them. Now while I’m in this process, I’m to be what I consider selfish and my therapist considers necessary – prioritizing self-care. This means making a conscious attempt to invest more emotional and physical energy in myself. I’m still figuring out how to balance time with friends and time with self and not go into extremes. Struggling a bit with that, but at it nonetheless.

So, please bear with me? I know I’m using social media for a conversation I could probably have personally but I’m not sure I’d do the best job of it without being exhausted by the multiple conversations. I’d like to be able to say “Hey I don’t think I can today” when you need to talk about something or need me to get out with you - without the guilt and shame of having let you down. This isn’t to say please stop calling me, please don’t make plans with me or please back off. It’s just me letting you know that in an effort to fix myself, I might not be completely equipped to be the Nel/Neelu/Nelly/Tiny that you’re used to – but she’s trying.

That’ll be all. Until next vent.

[neelimasadanand]

I started writing down what screams through my head through and after an anxiety attack. Wasn’t sure if putting it up was a good idea, but someone suggested maybe knowing that  “I’m not the only one” would help a person who is going through the same. So here it is.

Music and talking to my close ones is what gets me through this. What helps you?

[neelimasadanand]

May is Mental Health Month. All of this month, and well most days, I've noticed ignorance from a lot of people regarding this cause. That being said, there are many who are kind in their actions. You know who you are, thank you. Quoting a friend who corrected my misinformed self (thx) -Depression is not considered an illness until it matches the symptoms in the DSM. There should not be a stigma against any kind of mental illness, whether it's something common like anxiety or rarer like schizophrenia. And often there is equal amounts of stigma around both. Secondly, this is something EVERY human being goes through at some point or the other. For some it's a passing phase, for some phase it's life-long. For some understanding what is happening to them has no effect. For some, not understanding what is happening to them compounds the damage. This is why knowing what each is and what the symptoms are is super important. Recognizing the problem helps a lot of people overcome it - sometimes with no help. For that to happen though, either the person reads up from sources across the net that sound scary - or has someone in their life tell them what's happening, so they can decide the next step. And that brings me to the third and most important point. Read up. Learn. Understand and be aware of these conditions. Because meeting someone who is going through it and being able to help

[neelimasadanand]

Elevator Silences

Is this important enough to write a status about?

Is my Facebook relationship status lame?

Is this too emo?

Am I sharing too many quotes?

Am I pseudo? Am I ignorant? Am I overbearing?Am I self indulgent?

Am I saying sorry too much?Am I saying please too less?Am I wrong?

Am I ready for this?Am I ready for this?Am I ready for this?

Am I talking too much?

Am I taking too long to get over it?

Am I taking too long to know what I want?

Am I taking too long to understand?

Do I even understand writing?

Do I even understand music?

Do I even understand art?

Do I even understand my job?

Do I like my job? Do I need to do it if I don't? Everybody needs to do a sucky job for some time right?

Do I do enough to demand a raise? Do I do enough to ask for leave?

Did I stay long enough at office this week?

Everybody needs to get married right?

Everybody needs to drink for some time right?

Everybody needs to do something insane every once in a while right?

Does this count for a passion? Is this a hobby?

Is this funny? 

Isn't this serious? 

Is this favourite thing of mine too loud?Is this favourite thing of mine too pink?Is this favourite thing of mine too cute?

Do I only like things that nobody likes?Do I only like things that everybody likes?Which of the two is not okay?

Do I wear clothes I'm too old for?Do I wear clothes I'm too young for?

Do I care what others think?Should I care what others think?

What makes me selfish? Selfish. 

My opinion, my independence, my love for it, my pulling away from people, my drifting from people, my not staying in touch with people. What makes me selfish?

Did I hold her hand too early?Did I kiss him too early?Will he talk about it?Will she talk about it?

Will my parents ever get me?Are my parents wrong?Am I the only one?

Wait, do I over-analyse? Fuck.Pause.Take your time man. Your time.Yours.We're not on the same paths. Is this my floor?

[neelimasadanand]

Look at you. You’re young. And you’re scared. Why are you so scared? Stop being paralyzed. Stop swallowing your words. Stop caring what other people think. Wear what you want. Say what you want. Listen to the music you want to listen to. Play it loud as fuck and dance to it. Go out for a drive at midnight and forget that you have school the next day. Stop waiting for Friday. Live now. Do it now. Take risks. Tell secrets. This life is yours. When are you going to realize that you can do whatever you want?

Louise Flory (via wordsnquotes)

[neelimasadanand]

Perks of working at the animal hospital (Source: http://ift.tt/1ZIJC2T)

[neelimasadanand]

Talk, listen, grow.

Over the past couple of months, amidst the ever increasing cases of violence against women, violence and discrimination in general and several other worrisome stories, I've noticed something heartening. There are a lot of good conversations happening. Let me explain what I mean by 'good'.

These are conversations that see two or more people sharing vastly different opinions but not killing each other over disagreement. These are conversations wherein the implicit purpose, sometimes, is to expose another person's prejudice and give them a chance to see the other side. What's heartening is that there are a more people who are open to seeing that other side instead of holding on to their opinions as sacred and final. Exposure to news, some excellent college mentors, amazing parenting, the good side of the internet and other mass media - the causes for this could be many. But it sure is happening.

Take this write-up as an example. There are people who understand what I’m about to say at a much better level, through some way of exposure to the knowledge, and it may bother them that I haven’t covered all bases or haven’t explained things right. There are others who get it but will not pay heed because ‘it’s too intense’. Still others who probably haven’t thought of this at all. What I like, is that these three groups or kinds of people now have many platforms to go head-to head on. If the right conversations get going, man could things change.

Why is this heartening to me? Just think about it at as basic a level as you can. Conversations about ideas go such a long way in creating social structures and beliefs. No seriously, everything you hold as right and wrong till you have the cognitive ability to 'decide for yourself' - was decided by a bunch of people who talked to each other, figured 'hey this works for us' and then propagated it using fear, religion, media, etc. Some things resulted in structures, beliefs and concepts that have benefitted everyone equally, some others…not so much. The fact that our society finds it difficult to discard redundant ideas/beliefs adds to my grief. I’m choosing to write about what I am, because we as a society have been perpetuating some really, obviously (much more obvious now) wrong concepts. And the whole 'it's been this way it won't change' thing? I don't buy it. There's just not enough people who are aware of why it is wrong. Not enough sharing of new ideas and mindset. Its little whispers here and there. Which means not enough of those propagating the bullshit see the other side. Which means nothing changes.

Here’s what I read on another blog that best explains what I’d like to see people around understand and accept (engrave in your head) –

My answer to "What makes you yourself?" is: (1) My instincts (parents' DNA). (2) My pre-instincts (acquired sub consciousness). (3) My knowledge (learned in my life).

Let that sink. And then pick anything, absolutely anything in this whole wide world that you’ve seen as ‘established a long while ago’ and tell yourself that you get to choose if it’s right to you, right for you. Yes, this should be taught in schools and yes a certain age group of people will not get this. But those of us who do get it would be doing a HUGE good deed if they spread the message.

Here’s a thing I do/intend to do that I think helps. This involves accepting that it may or may not transform the person, you may get sworn at or judged – these are risks. But the guarantee is that the person in question will mull over it for a bit. More mulling, more changing? Yes/no/ maybe? I’m willing to take my shot. This also involves differentiating between genuine jokes and realizing that what you’re finding funny is anything but funny. I think ego burns are a huge factor in transformations that people don’t talk about much haha. 

The next time you see or hear:

Someone cringe at having to sit next to a Muslim

Someone rag a girl about being ‘too’ ANYTHING

Someone rag a man about being ‘too’ ANYTHING

Someone advocate the ‘need’ to have a son

Someone advocate the traits of a perfect ‘wife/daughter/husband/son’

Someone advocate the ‘right kind of sexuality’

Crack a joke, call them out on it, start a conversation. Let them know, that you saw that unreasonable, displaced disdain in them or that their misinformed beliefs are their own, not the universal truth.

Don't squash down talks of politics, gay rights, feminism (look up the damn definition first), children's issues, depression.... Whatever...as "yaar tu serious kyon ho gaya". Just let these conversations happen as a forum for different kinds of thinking to find reason and purpose and find place in minds. That's all it takes. Little seed of a concept stuck in there somewhere.

So. A little more conversation?

[neelimasadanand]

Rantings II

You know how at every stage of this growing old thing (yet to figure who laid down this chart), you’re supposed to be inching closer to making ‘a good life’? I think it’s a little cruel that growing up you aren’t told how much of a role money will play in everything you ever want to do. You’re told everything else – what is ideal, what is morally correct, what are virtues - all of it. But then the basic fact that almost anything you aspire to be or want involves money, is kind of left for you to realize on your own. And it’s a little painful when you’re around 22 and it hits you.

I sit and think of the amount of things I took up and never really followed through. Hindustani music, Bharatanatyam, painting, debating, keyboards. I know not all hobbies are meant to convert to careers but I just completely stopped all of them. Even now, the writing of things is just not happening. It’s all I have left really, writing. I must not let it go. But my mental frame is not ideal for ‘good’ writing. What is good writing? I could write a whole different piece on that lol

This is me ranting of course. I can already think of maybe 5 arguments of tearing that apart starting with it depends on what lifestyle you choose to the things that make you the happiest don’t come from money (<---really?).

Let’s list the different things I wanted to be growing up. Animal vet, author/librarian, journalist (ha), theater artist, event manager, lights technician, social activist. I think that’s it. Apart from animal vet and journalist, I doubt anything else pays a woman nearly enough. The dreams of being a vet were before I realized it involved studying science, this was in 5th or something, and so that obviously went out the window. Journalist- I don’t quite know why I gave up on it. A month at a leading news channel had me disillusioned with broadcast. I thought print media too would be the same. Everyone just trying to crack a story for TRP/ readership + personal benefit. At least in the corporate world you don’t pretend to be doing what you’re doing for a cause. The cause IS profit. But I guess such Leftist thoughts won’t get me anywhere. Lights technician/theater artist/event manager-Sigh. College life, when I wasn’t attending class, was basically either being on stage or managing it off stage. And I bloody loved it. I don’t think anything makes me happier than writing scripts or learning scripts. Being up there as someone else gave me such immense joy. But I think my discomfort with being judged and then asked to prove my worth has honestly got the best of me. It’s sad really. And of course the fact there isn’t much money in it starting out. Event management- Well, with my health it’s not something my parents would let me do. And again, no money in it starting off. Lights technician- I remember what Das said about that. “You’re a glee to watch in the console Neelima but out there when people like me won’t be able to protect you, the life of a technician for a woman isn’t something I’d wish for you’.

(I’d like nothing more than to just act. Really. I’ve had absolutely silly dreams about it. Involving certain actors and directors and even awards :P)

The activist bit. I just decided that I wouldn’t take the activist route. I will earn what I consider enough and target a cause and do something about it. Even if it’s 10 people’s lives I change – I will do it. I HAVE TO. The issues with the transgender community and under-privileged children being two things that upset me almost every day. I dream of what I want to do. Sometimes the same dream over and over. I dream of ideas, I visualize execution. It really is all I want to do. Help make someone’s life better. I BLOODY NEED MONEY.

All I really want right now is for the universe to let me see what I can do, that I like and am good at, that will make me enough to get a head-start with this final aim. Simple wish.

This keeping patient with your dream till you are able to translate it, is more exhausting than any love-life debacle I have ever had. And there are so many of us in this boat. Doing what we can. Doing jobs that we don’t enjoy but won’t make us murder someone (mostly).

Please just pass whatever phase this is. It’s painful. I wish I could get paid for blowing bubbles at little kids. I love bubbles and I love their expressions when they see it. And that's what a job ideally should be right? Make you and whoever you're doing it for/with happy?

(That is Banksy's art, of course.)

[neelimasadanand]

Rantings I

So the past few years has been a huge tumble of me trying to figure out what the fuck it is I want to do in life. And currently, my brain is bogged by 3 struggles – what I want to do will not pay me enough to sustain my lifestyle, the state of the society around me is too damned disgusting for me to ignore and being a woman.

Let’s do this one by one. Let’s pick the state of the society first.

Starting 2009, watching the news has slowly become an absolutely nerve-wrecking experience. I probably have had this conversation with almost every person I have sat across a table with in the past 2 years. I’m sure every drinking session at home or said place that doesn’t involve dhinchik music and sweaty dancing (not against this at all btw, just saying) would involve this conversation. You begin with something you saw in the news which, 80% of the time, is something bad and debate/discuss it till you or the other person says “Yaar screw it what can we do about it”. True. What CAN we do about it?

It’s a dead end the minute you start talking politicians. Any party in our country has a bunch of people who are more concerned with keeping power and money in whatever way possible than making amends in this country. And these bunch of people almost always succeed in over-powering the one’s with good intent. Or killing them. ‘Dead’ end.

Almost every other problem we face is something, in my opinion, that is to do with mindset. It’s funny how you cannot define that in India. There are too many factors to be considered, too many things that influence it. While it’s easy to point fingers at governments who did nothing during communal riots, the not so easy thing to do is understand why it happened. How is it that one person’s voice of anger or loathe manages to incite such animalistic behaviour in a group of people that they turn murderers in an hour? That’s scary, no? To know that you live around people who are potential mass-murderers? Or that you live in a place where one party decides what plays, movies, gigs can happen in your city? For years not just once or twice, and it just continues. (No of course this does not apply to us ‘educated lot’. Although I am not too sure any more) Either way, the group people keep referring to when they say ‘we wouldn’t even think of this’ – is a very, very small majority. Religion- ANY religion- in India, was created to perhaps label a culture. Now, thanks to the few people who are better at manipulation than the rest, it’s being used to divide, to protect self-proclaimed superiority or as defense against anything that threatens said person’s control over people.  It’s sickening.

Then there is the issue of gender discrimination. Brings us to the ‘being a woman’ part. Since the beginning of time or whenever whoever laid this down, it’s been okay for the woman to be ‘lesser’. I read in an essay once that religion pretty much laid it down here too. Men go out, explore and make a living as part of their duty. Women stay home and protect what they build. I’m not sure when and where this was translated as allowance for abuse and rape but that’s pretty much what has happened. And hence, women empowerment in India isn’t the same as all over the world. It’s not just male ego one has to thwart here, it’s the foundation of how this nation has been ‘brought up’. It’s like an existential crisis of a patriarchal society. But it’s been skewed in so many ways.  It’s too exhausting for me to even want to type out here. It’s a little unfair on the new generation I think. To have to suddenly think before they speak because now people will take offense, to have to defy what they have been’ taught’ because the world view now is changing. And some women just take this and create a ruckus for no damn reason. A drunk woman gets raped and before someone completes their sentence “ARE YOU SAYING WOMEN SHOULDN’T DRINK?” is thrown in their face. Getting sloshed when one has to travel alone for any distance is dangerous – for any gender. With women, it involves the risk of rape unfortunately. But that has nothing to with inequality. It’s an unsafe world and you have to watch out for yourself. Of course the stupid bullshit that some of the elder generation throws – both women and men – makes it very difficult to be careful with our anger. But we must. The difference in safety of women and that of men, however, is something I am at a complete loss of words for. I can sit and argue both sides, yes. But if my mother asks me what is it that you will do if a group of men attack you when on one of these late nights that you go for - what do I say?

I think we should start classes in primary school to just THINK things through and reason things out before doing/saying anything in life IN GENERAL. We Indians just cut each other too much slack on being a ‘jazbaati’ bunch. No, dude. That doesn’t let you get away with things though it’s a line that helps defend almost everything.

LALALALALAL okay enough with that.

Why does nobody (read media) talk of things that could bring happiness? Why does nobody talk anything happy? How come the media didn’t give much attention to our country being polio-free? How come us being selected as hosts for an international U-17 football league didn’t get coverage (do not start with the cricket shit, yes I know but that doesn’t make it okay)? What about the two 9 year old girls from New Delhi who won came in second for best-direction at the International Film Festival? I wish the media in our country put in a little more effort into giving us more reasons to be proud of our people. Note, I said people. Yes of course exposing the wrong-doings of our leaders and corporate in an ‘objective manner’ is important so we are informed. But hey CMON is sappy/mindless movies the only way to give our brains a break? Everything from media to medicine to education is of course becoming a corrupt system of money-making but sigh, when little things like the above-mentioned happen, let us know!!! God bless social media btw for keeping the balance. They put up both. You choose what you click and watch.

Sometimes I wish I could be one of those who carry on with life like robots. Stoic. Not bothered. But I guess it’s the way my family brought us kids up. We’ve never been kept away from discussions about politics or society. And this was the only other topic of discussion in the house when a sport WASN’T being discussed.  And discussions were always charged up because we were sensitive to such things. I’ve been brought up to be sensitive to the pain of others.  Strangers and known people alike. Maybe we need more of that too.

People who actually do things like- using their money and power to benefit the poor just because it’s the right thing to do. I’d vote for those. Ha that’s the definition of political leaders, no?  Yes, in my little ideal universe.

Revolution of the mind. That’s what we need. Or just a bunch of us in our generation who will not suppress the angst enough for it to die. Who won’t forget about the ideas they have for societal change when they finally have the resources to execute them. Here’s to striving to be one of those.

[neelimasadanand]

i. when there are glaciers in your veins, you will be tempted to make your wrists run red in the hopes of bringing some sunlight inside. don’t. it will make your world darker than it ever was. stay safe. ii. even when you feel alone, you are not. call your family. call a friend. talk to a stranger. hang out in a public park and smile at everyone who walks past. someone will smile back. and if no one else is there for you, i will be. iii. there is nothing wrong with asking for help. iv. tomorrow is a fresh start. ten minutes from now can be a fresh start. you are never without hope. you just need to know where to find it. v. sleep if you need it. eat what you want. stay hydrated. on the days when showering feels like too much, splashing cold water on your face does wonders. vi. some people are lighthouses. others are shipwrecks waiting to happen. both of them will call out to you. try to learn the difference. vii. don’t kiss people with stardust smiles just to try to save yourself. there is a little polaris in all of us. you are enough. i promise. if all else fails, you can find your own way home. viii. find something broken and put it back together. take your time. it doesn’t matter if your hands shake. it’s so beautiful to watch something become. ix. eventually, you will be okay.

nine lessons for people like me

by Auriel Haack

(via poppyflowerpoetry)

[neelimasadanand]

Wow

Sempiternum

Soft hands. Tirelessly patting until sleep fell heavy on little girl eyes. Gently wiping little girl tears. Clasping a bead everyday with little girl’s name on soft lips.

Soft hands. Teaching little girl strength and pure love.

Ammamma, your little girl will miss your hands and everything attached to them. 

[neelimasadanand]

It's burning in me. I'm reeking of it but, I can't seem to get it out. I want you. Whole. Warm. Gentle. Strong. Breathing. Thinking too fast. Exhausted. Warm. Nestling in. God, I want you. Some days I lay there, in a daze, a result of the need I feel. The need I felt. Some days, I detest your darned existence. Every, tiny molecular bit of you. Fingertip on my waist My breath on your skin Gasping for conscience Pleading to end the wait.. ..And moons away from you Stretch on endless With yearning turning to images Scent clouding up my mind Trying to hide the words  That your eyes read across every inch of me Go.away. Please. We are much too alike. We have stopped wanting to chase. Have we? I haven't a single clue what that whirlwind in your head spills out at my name. Do you ever feel a fraction of what I do? Have you any idea whatsoever of what bittersweet ecstasy you've put me in? The 'third person me' just stares on and nods. This. This right here. This. is insanity. Pure. Fierce. And Roaring loud.

[neelimasadanand]

Interruption

The side you wake up on

Your face in the mirror

The last of your tea

The rear-view’s angle

Your first drag

The file you set aside

The song you hum

The words you can’t remember

The grip on the wheels

The empty seat you look at

The last meal

Your face in the mirror

The lump in your throat

Your warmth on the bed

That’s the routine in my head

And I hold my breath

When a hiccup interrupts you.