negativity-spiral

[negativity-spiral]

More death.

And I’m a fuck up, apparently.

Finding any excuse to pity myself tonight because if I admit to myself that I’m capable of simply fucking up it’s like validating everything negative I feel about myself.

Many things are wrong with me. But I am trying to heal. It’s hard when everything feels suffocating in every element of every part of my life. It’s just not working how I want it to.

Honestly? Specifically tonight? I just want to turn back the clock an hour and a half and take back something I said. That’s really what’s killing me right now. Every time I fuck up it just. It’s like losing more time. Precious little there is to lose. We’re always rotting, just happen to also be breathing.

Time for bed I think.

[negativity-spiral]

Billionaires destroy more than they create

In a land often championed for its economic opportunity and equality, the American Dream promises that anyone who works hard can rise to prosperity. But for many in today’s middle and lower economic classes, that dream is fading, shadowed by a reality that feels increasingly rigged. At the heart of this issue lies a stark and glaring imbalance: billionaires, a minuscule fraction of the population, wield a staggering concentration of wealth and influence. This is not just an issue of economics but one that touches the foundations of democracy and fairness.

Imagine the economy as a massive machine, built to churn wealth throughout society. In an ideal world, this wealth would cycle effectively, where each part contributes and benefits in turn. But as billionaires amass wealth at unprecedented levels, this machine has come to function more like a funnel, siphoning resources from the broader society and concentrating them at the very top. This dynamic, driven by complex financial structures and tax strategies, isn’t merely an accumulation of personal fortunes but a systematic extraction from the economic potential of others. The capital that could have flowed through wages, education, and public infrastructure is often diverted into private bank accounts and shell companies, rarely benefiting the people who drive and build the economy day by day.

As wealth accumulates at the top, so too does political influence. Billionaires, with vast financial resources, can fund political campaigns, lobbyists, and entire networks of think tanks dedicated to shaping policy. Through these channels, they push for tax policies, regulations, and trade agreements that benefit the ultra-wealthy at the expense of middle- and lower-income families. Politicians, indebted to these donors, increasingly look to billionaire interests rather than to constituents’ needs. This creates a disturbing feedback loop: billionaires influence politics to further policies that reinforce their own wealth and power, leaving the broader populace with dwindling opportunities to influence their own government.

This concentrated power extends far beyond campaign finance and lobbying. With ownership over significant segments of media networks, billionaires control the narratives that millions consume daily. Through these media outlets, they shape public opinion, diverting attention from policies that would challenge wealth accumulation and pushing narratives that frame the ultra-wealthy as essential “job creators” or “innovators” rather than acknowledging their role in widening economic divides. Issues that might threaten their economic stranglehold are often buried, while others, that create division and distract, are amplified.

For the middle and lower classes, this confluence of wealth, media, and political power has a real impact. Stagnant wages, diminishing job security, and rising costs of living aren’t natural outcomes of a complex economy—they’re symptoms of a system shaped to benefit those at the top. Policies that could lift working-class Americans, like raising the minimum wage, universal healthcare, or better labor protections, are often stifled in legislative deadlock, thanks in part to the political influence of the ultra-wealthy who stand to lose from them.

So, as this cycle continues, the gap between billionaires and everyone else widens. The billions accumulated at the top no longer signify mere success but a barrier to mobility for everyone else. The middle and lower classes find themselves carrying the economic burdens, often working harder for less. Meanwhile, billionaires remain insulated, living in a different economic reality, one far removed from the struggles of the average American. This isn’t just an economic imbalance but a distortion of democracy itself, as the machinery of power and influence is pulled further from the reach of ordinary citizens and held more tightly by those whose interests rarely align with theirs.

Without addressing this imbalance, the promise of opportunity, the cornerstone of the American Dream, becomes less attainable with each passing year, not just for the lower and middle classes but for the nation’s future as a whole.

Addressing their manipulation

Billionaires and their advocates often employ a familiar set of narratives to justify their wealth and the structures that enable it. These arguments, framed in terms of the free market, capitalism, or fear of socialism, are not only misleading but often serve to distract from the deeper systemic issues at play. Below is a breakdown of these claims and the counterarguments that expose their flaws:

1. “It’s Just the Free Market at Work”

The myth of the “free market” implies that billionaires achieve their wealth purely through talent, innovation, and competition in a market where everyone has equal opportunity. But in reality, the U.S. economy is far from a genuinely “free” market.

Counterpoints:

• Government Subsidies and Tax Breaks: Many billionaires’ businesses rely heavily on taxpayer-funded subsidies, special tax breaks, and other forms of government assistance. Large corporations frequently lobby for policies that grant them tax advantages, including offshore loopholes and capital gains tax breaks. This creates an environment where they aren’t competing on equal ground but rather with significant state support, distorting the market in their favor.

• Anti-Competitive Practices: Many large corporations, especially in tech and finance, engage in monopolistic behavior, buying out competitors or using aggressive tactics to drive them out of the market. This concentration of power stifles competition, contradicting the notion of a “free” market where anyone can succeed if they work hard.

• Inherited Wealth and Privilege: A significant portion of billionaire wealth is inherited rather than self-made. Generational wealth compounds, giving the ultra-wealthy an enormous head start over those without similar family resources. This challenges the idea that wealth accumulation is simply the product of individual merit or a fair market.

2. “This Is What Capitalism Is Supposed to Look Like”

The argument here suggests that capitalism is an inherently competitive system, where the most successful rise to the top, benefiting everyone through innovation and job creation. This narrative hinges on the idea of “trickle-down economics,” where the wealth of the richest eventually spreads throughout society.

Counterpoints:

• Trickle-Down Economics Doesn’t Work: Decades of evidence show that wealth rarely “trickles down” to the rest of society in any meaningful way. Income inequality has only widened, with wages stagnating for most workers while billionaire wealth has soared. Billionaires tend to reinvest wealth in ways that concentrate their holdings, like in stocks, rather than in ways that benefit the broader economy.

• Wealth Extraction, Not Wealth Creation: Many billionaires achieve and maintain their fortunes through rent-seeking behavior—extracting wealth from existing resources rather than creating new value. Hedge funds, private equity, and real estate empires often profit by cutting costs (like labor) rather than by innovating or producing new goods and services. This dynamic benefits investors but hurts workers and consumers.

• Capitalism Can Take Other Forms: The capitalism practiced in the U.S. today, sometimes called “neoliberal capitalism,” focuses on minimal regulation, tax cuts for the wealthy, and privatization. However, other countries demonstrate that capitalism can function with stronger social safety nets, wealth redistribution policies, and tighter regulations on corporate power. Nordic countries, for example, balance capitalism with robust welfare systems, ensuring a more equitable distribution of wealth and services.

3. “Without Billionaires, There Would Be No Innovation or Job Creation”

A popular myth is that billionaires are essential “job creators” and “innovators” whose wealth ultimately benefits society by funding new businesses and creating employment. This claim positions billionaires as indispensable to economic growth.

Counterpoints:

• Public Funding Fuels Innovation: Many of the biggest technological advances, including the internet, GPS, and medical breakthroughs, were developed with public funding rather than billionaire investments. Government research grants and subsidies often lay the groundwork for major innovations that billionaires later profit from. In other words, society bears much of the financial risk, while billionaires reap the rewards.

• Small Businesses Create Most Jobs: Small businesses, not billionaires or large corporations, are responsible for most job creation in the United States. Big corporations often eliminate jobs through automation, outsourcing, or consolidation. They may employ a large workforce, but they also tend to exploit workers through low wages, precarious employment, and cost-cutting measures.

• Billionaires Accumulate Wealth Through Wealth, Not Innovation: Many billionaires maintain their wealth not by creating jobs or innovating but by using their existing capital to generate more wealth, often through financial instruments that have little to do with actual economic productivity. Stock buybacks, dividends, and passive investments grow their fortunes without necessarily contributing to broader economic prosperity.

4. “Any Alternative Is Socialism or Communism”

When calls arise for higher taxes on the wealthy, stricter regulations, or broader social programs, the response is often to invoke the fear of “socialism” or “communism.” This argument seeks to paint any attempt at wealth redistribution or regulation as a slippery slope toward total government control.

Counterpoints:

• Social Safety Nets and Regulations Are Not Socialism: Social safety nets, progressive taxation, and regulations do not equate to socialism or communism; they’re features of a balanced capitalist system that seeks to prevent extreme inequality and protect public welfare. Countries like Germany, Canada, and Denmark combine regulated capitalism with strong social programs, resulting in healthier economies and greater well-being for citizens without abandoning capitalism.

• Inequality Threatens Capitalism: Growing inequality and economic instability can undermine the foundations of capitalism. A healthy capitalist economy requires a strong middle class with buying power, which excessive wealth concentration undermines. Reforms like progressive taxation, labor protections, and universal healthcare aren’t a rejection of capitalism but rather a means of stabilizing it.

• Historical Success of Mixed Economies: Many of the most successful and prosperous countries practice a mixed economy, where capitalism coexists with social policies that promote equality. The U.S. itself has employed a mixed economy model in the past, particularly after the New Deal, which implemented social safety nets, labor protections, and financial regulations that led to a period of unprecedented growth and prosperity for the middle class.

5. “They Earned It Fair and Square”

Finally, the idea persists that billionaires deserve their wealth because they “earned” it. This argument suggests that any policy aiming to redistribute wealth is fundamentally unfair, penalizing those who worked hard to succeed.

Counterpoints:

• Systemic Advantages and Wealth Hoarding: As previously mentioned, many billionaires begin with advantages—like family wealth or elite educational opportunities—that aren’t available to most people. Additionally, billionaires often employ complex strategies to avoid taxes, lobby for favorable regulations, and capitalize on government subsidies. These factors mean they haven’t earned wealth solely through hard work or merit.

• Billionaires Didn’t Build Alone: No billionaire operates in isolation; they rely on infrastructure, public education, and the work of thousands or millions of employees. A CEO’s wealth is made possible by a web of collective contributions, yet that wealth is rarely shared equitably. While billionaires might be rewarded for their role, their fortune is far from the result of individual effort alone.

In short, these narratives around billionaires often mask a more uncomfortable truth: today’s system is structured in ways that favor the ultra-wealthy at the expense of the broader population. Economic reform, rather than a threat to capitalism, is a necessary step to ensure a more just, equitable society where wealth accumulation doesn’t depend on privilege, influence, or systemic manipulation.

Making a change

Addressing the economic imbalance and the unchecked power of the ultra-wealthy presents a unique challenge, especially given the intense political polarization in the United States. For the middle and lower classes to push back effectively, they will need to build a coalition that transcends party lines and focuses on shared economic interests rather than divisive rhetoric.

1. Build Awareness Through Shared Issues, Not Ideology

The rhetoric around “free markets” and “socialism” often obscures real issues of economic struggle that affect both conservative and progressive working- and middle-class citizens alike. Instead of framing the issue in ideological terms, framing it in terms of tangible, shared grievances can help bridge the divide:

• Focus on Economic Inequality: Income stagnation, unaffordable healthcare, and housing insecurity are felt across the political spectrum. By shifting the narrative from “class warfare” to “economic fairness,” advocates can sidestep partisan language and emphasize the shared experience of economic struggle.

• Highlight the Impact of Corporate Power on Local Communities: Framing issues around how large corporations hurt small, local businesses can resonate strongly with both sides of the political spectrum. This approach often taps into conservative values around community and self-reliance, while also aligning with progressive critiques of corporate overreach.

2. Organize Around Labor Rights and Worker Protections

Historically, unions have been instrumental in improving working conditions and advocating for fair wages, and labor movements transcend political divisions. Many Americans—left, right, and center—share concerns about the erosion of workers’ rights, stagnant wages, and the declining influence of the average worker.

• Expand Union Participation and Labor Movements: Reinvigorating unions and expanding labor protections could give workers a stronger collective voice. New labor movements that focus on economic rights without overtly partisan language could attract support across the political spectrum, particularly when they champion issues like fair wages, workplace safety, and job security.

• Support Worker Cooperatives and Employee-Owned Businesses: Promoting models like worker cooperatives or employee-owned businesses can offer a compelling alternative to the current structure of corporate ownership without resorting to divisive rhetoric. These models prioritize local control and shared economic benefits, appealing to values of self-sufficiency and fairness.

3. Pressure Politicians on Key Economic Policies

A key to bridging the partisan gap is to focus on policies that benefit the broader populace rather than framing them as part of any ideological agenda. The majority of Americans, regardless of political affiliation, support policies like fair taxation, healthcare reform, and increased access to education when framed in terms of fairness and opportunity.

• Promote Tax Reform as “Fairness,” Not Redistribution: Instead of advocating for “redistribution,” proponents can push for tax policies that ensure everyone pays their fair share. Policies like a wealth tax or higher taxes on capital gains can be framed as holding the ultra-wealthy accountable rather than demonizing them, a stance that resonates with people who value fairness and personal responsibility.

• Advocate for Antitrust Legislation: Pushing for stronger antitrust laws to break up monopolies and prevent anti-competitive practices can appeal to both sides. For conservatives, this aligns with the values of market competition; for progressives, it aligns with corporate accountability and consumer protection.

4. Engage in Alternative Media and Independent Journalism

The ultra-wealthy often own or influence major media outlets, which can shape public opinion in ways that protect their interests. For the middle and lower classes to gain a clearer view of economic issues, alternative media sources and independent journalism that aren’t beholden to billionaire interests are crucial.

• Support Independent News Outlets: A growing number of independent news organizations are dedicated to in-depth economic reporting without catering to corporate interests. Supporting these outlets allows individuals to access a range of perspectives that help reveal the true impact of policies on ordinary people.

• Utilize Social Media Responsibly to Build Cross-Party Awareness: Social media, while often a divisive force, can also be used to spread information about economic injustice. When used responsibly to share facts, case studies, and stories of economic hardship, it can cut through the rhetoric and provide people across the political spectrum with a shared understanding of the issues.

5. Prioritize Voting Reform and Campaign Finance Reform

Money in politics is one of the core reasons why economic policies favor the wealthy. Bipartisan support for reducing corporate influence in politics is possible, especially when the focus is on fairness, transparency, and accountability in government.

• Promote Campaign Finance Reform as an Anti-Corruption Effort: Campaign finance reform, which seeks to limit the influence of wealthy donors and corporations on elections, can appeal to conservatives and liberals alike who are frustrated with the influence of money in politics. Instead of framing it as an anti-capitalist measure, framing it as an anti-corruption measure can attract broader support.

• Support Voting Reforms for a More Representative Democracy: Reforms like ranked-choice voting, ending gerrymandering, and preventing voter suppression can help create a political environment that more accurately represents the will of the people rather than special interests. By creating a more representative democracy, policies that reflect the economic needs of the middle and lower classes have a better chance of being enacted.

6. Create Cross-Partisan Grassroots Coalitions Focused on Economic Issues

Many grassroots organizations are focused on economic justice, but they tend to align themselves with one side of the political spectrum, often losing potential support in the process. Building cross-partisan coalitions that emphasize shared economic challenges rather than ideological differences could foster stronger, more united advocacy for middle- and working-class issues.

• Organize Around Issues, Not Parties: Groups like the Poor People’s Campaign, which focuses on poverty and economic justice, have successfully united people across political lines around issues that transcend party loyalty. This approach allows people to focus on their shared struggles, making the movement harder for politicians to ignore.

• Build Community-Level Alliances: Many economic issues are felt acutely at the local level. By focusing on community-level initiatives that address healthcare, affordable housing, and education, people can create practical, on-the-ground solutions that don’t require alignment with national politics. These local successes can serve as models for broader change.

7. Emphasize Civic Education on Economic Policies

Finally, bridging the gap will require education and awareness. Many people accept billionaire-fueled rhetoric because they lack exposure to alternative perspectives. Civic education efforts that focus on teaching economic principles, tax policy, and the influence of corporate power can empower people to understand the real impacts of current policies on their lives.

• Create Accessible Educational Resources: Podcasts, documentaries, workshops, and community discussions can all serve as tools for demystifying economic issues. When people have a clearer understanding of how things like tax policies and wage laws work, they are better equipped to make informed decisions.

• Promote Financial Literacy and Empower Individuals: Financial literacy programs that help individuals understand budgeting, credit, and investments empower people to navigate the economy more effectively. While this doesn’t directly address systemic issues, it gives individuals a greater understanding of the forces shaping their lives and can be a first step toward broader engagement.

By approaching these issues with a focus on shared struggles, fairness, and practical solutions, the middle and lower classes can work together to build a movement that transcends political divides. This movement can challenge the status quo without becoming mired in divisive ideological battles. The real strength of such an effort lies in its ability to unite ordinary people around a common vision for a fairer, more just economic system—one that serves all citizens, not just the wealthiest few.

[negativity-spiral]

Killkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkill

[negativity-spiral]

At work once again, almost done this night. Just a few more hours. And then I’ll go home.

So many changes as of late. So much death. One of the residents I help take care of in the house. She had a stroke on my shift and she died a week later.

Not that I blame myself. Well. Maybe a little. I blame myself for not recognizing the signs of stroke, although I wasn’t told what the signs of stroke are. And likely even if I was I wouldn’t have been able to understand that’s what was happening with her condition. Apparently neither could my supervisor or her boss who were both helping the shift before. Deflecting. It comes back around to the role I played in the death in my own family. An incidental one. An accidental one. But still a role. Had I not made a plan to see my parents on that day they came over, maybe dad would have been around to stop it happening. But alas. Blaming myself for something so indirect and outside even the periphery of my ability to influence it truly is a useless endeavor.

I’ve come to hate this world. Not all of it. Not in a misanthropic sense. Just. The way all people in my country have been programmed. I’ve been trying to learn as much as I can about actual politics in places other than the states. Political theory from actual sources. I’ve learned that, over time, most people have had the very notion of the words they need to use to accurately describe the problems with the current government have been systematically disempowered so as to be useless, thereby making them obsolete terminology. I hate this. I hate this neoliberal capitalistic ideal of self sufficiency, self responsibility, and borderline idolized narcissism. The fact is, the reason this world is so hateable, so reprehensible, is not and has never been simply “something deep down in human nature that’s inherent and ever present”. No. Rich men. Authorities. They made all of this happen through decades of careful work. It wasn’t even that hard to do, just a few tricks of human psychology, an encouragement of anti-intellectualism, a lack of moral fiber, and a lack of integrity. That’s all it took. That, and years of waiting for the pushes in the direction of aggression and stupidity to take effect. Soon every element of our lives and ourselves will be within full control of governing bodies. Hell it might as well already be at that point. Things are not going well for the world at large. People are not doing well.

It seems less worth it to try to make the world better. To improve things. We could be living in a utopia if we allocated resources properly, but even the IDEA of utopia has been stripped of all positive associations because “humans are inherently greedy”. Or so say the capitalists, who want you to believe that for all the beauty, generosity, love, kindness, and community out there are all lies perpetuated by idiots who want to manipulate you. Like hitting the nose of a dog to get it pointed in a different direction.

And so we work. And we work. And we work. We live each day waiting for a single emergency to put us under. I am $500 away from being homeless on a given paycheck. If my car gets fucked I have to just suck it up and walk to work or hope people in my community will be able to get me a ride. Because the fact is, I can’t NOT go to work. I’ll die. You’ll die. But no. It’s the other poor people, it’s the other sufferers, it’s the other that are alike to me, it’s they who must surely be the problem. The reason.

Scapegoating is the only effective tactic left for a decent portion of the masses. Flattening. Denuancing. All things simplified. Nothing whole.

Sincerity seems to have fallen by the wayside. Now is only irony and post irony, layers of detachment from any sense of endearing whole joy. The act of wholeheartedly, un-critically enjoying something with no caveats. I wish I didn’t morph myself into shapes I was never meant to fit over my whole life.

I was on hormones for almost a year. It was nice in some ways, the emotional progress was nice. The tits are fun and I enjoyed seeing the progress. The thing that made me stop though, was realizing that if I didn’t I would hit a point of no return. A point where, if I’m not sure that this is what I want, it would be too late to just go back. I would need to either fully embrace this and go whole hog, or get off of it and see how I felt. Still in the “seeing how I feel” stage right now. But more and more I’m coming to understand that the reason I’m afraid of hitting that point of no return was and is completely external. It’s mostly my father. He programmed fear into me in ways I could not begin to describe accurately. His attachment to masculinity and alpha male talking points, his unwillingness to expand his knowledge, his unwillingness to view femininity as something that is a part of every person, that being feminine is just as good as being masculine. All of these things, things which do not matter to me, clearly influence every single element of his life. Sure, he could get over the whole “bisexual polyamorous with 3 partners” thing. But I really truly believe he would be too upset to continue even associating with me. And therein is the problem.

Even though I don’t live with him, and haven’t for almost 6 years, I need him to support me financially. I am fiscally tied to him and mom’s ability to help me. Because I’m absolutely fucked without them. And therein is the conundrum. I know I would survive, I’d make it work. But for how long? And should something go wrong, where do I go? I suppose my other partners’ parents is an option but that’s mooching and they likely won’t be able to give me anything anyway.

I’m going to discuss this soon enough with them. Hopefully. That’s the goal anyway. Because I have to come to some determination about this soon. My paralyzing fear of confrontation has held me back for too long in too many ways. I need to push past it. Move forward. Keep living. Keep loving. Build community, build foundational tools of assistance that all people’s could pull from. But it’s so hard. And I’m so tired. And I just want to rest.

I suppose I should get back to work, much as I loathe every waking second I waste here.

Build community. Focus on others over yourself sometimes. Give a few dollars or a snack to the homeless beggar when you can. Love.

[negativity-spiral]

I'm not sure what the point is here.

I think, ultimately, that the pointlessness is poetic somehow, in some backwards way.

Meaning without meaning, the meaninglessness is what gives the nothing tangibility, form. Can you not feel the emptiness more when you understand that there is no point to it? That all the suffering and turmoil and relentless monotony and merciless sacrifice forced upon you was for absolutely fucking nothing? Doesn't the burn a hole deep into your chest? Doesn't that burn you the fuck up inside?

Why. Why is it that no one is happy with their lot in life and no matter what it seems like no one ever will truly be? I've heard people boil life down to be a simple set of procedures to be happy, a simple set of goals and parameters that supposedly make a person live some fulfilled whole sort of life. Maslow's hierarchy but much more abstract, less applicable to the material conditions. Your life is supposed to go this way to be happy. It's not even just the American dream, whatever that notion ends up being to you be it good or bad, that is but one facet of life determinism. It's as though the wealth, the total breadth of all things, can somehow be made into a tangible, knowable essence for some people. That there is some template. Maybe there is, I'm happy people can find it. I think for most though, whether or not they're willing to admit it, life is a series of unimportant happenings, and occasionally something of extreme, brutalizing, inescapable importance permanently shifts the tracks. Forever and always until the next great change, you will be shaped differently. And there is no planning for it. There is no amount of stoicism, no amount of preparation, no amount of positive thinking that makes you retain who you are.

It seems like all things, in their totality, are so wide and varied and yet so easy for so many to scrape the very surface of. I understand not having the energy or time to dig into every little thing that may or may not interest you, obviously, no one can do that 100% of the time. But how is it that so many will be unwilling to acknowledge the vastness of it all? The intensity of the sheer size and weight of the entirety of all things. Each person a complex network of ideas, emotions, cultural standpoints, and experiences that shaped them to be some sort of lumbering mass, some sort of shuffling thing, some scuttling pathetic dot. The shapes of what you become shift and change, and eventually you will be more kaleidoscopic than a Picasso, more intangible somehow than you ever could have imagined.

Learning takes from you. There is an equal exchange to all things, as science teaches us. And when you learn something you take a part of that something into yourself, and that something goes to work on your insides like a spiteful construction worker, pounding away at indeterminate places, ignoring whatever plans or prints you left out for it to follow. The soul is an everchanging shifting landscape.

[negativity-spiral]

I’m getting tired of being the glue holding so many people’s lives together. I didn’t ask to be put in this position. I’m the one with the car. 3 of us have licenses. I’m living with 2/3 of the people I love the most in the world. With every passing day I keep feeling myself pulling away from it all. I want to run. I feel trapped. Everything is going wrong always even when nothing is ultimately changing. I feel my mind degrading day by day.

I need to reach out to my brother I think. Probably.

[negativity-spiral]

Shotgun to the roof of the mouth

[negativity-spiral]

I think about ending it every day. I have since I was 15 years old. I think about a shotgun to the roof of my mouth every single day. It doesn’t matter how good the day was, it doesn’t matter how upset or happy I might be on a given day. That just affects the frequency of the thought, if I get caught in a thought loop or not.

I can’t be honest with my parents about fucking anything anymore. I COULD be honest with my mom but that has an attached implication that that means she can be honest on my behalf to my dad, a right wing nutjob. He’s not a bad person, his brain is just becoming conservative soup. I’m waiting for the dementia to take hold. He’s too egotistical and close minded to engage with me on anything in a serious, unemotional, completely rational basis. He just. Gets mad. That’s it. He’s spent damn near 25 years inconsistently reacting in both the worst and best ways to every little thing, hyper critical of everything I’ve ever done, showing that he loved me by “protecting me” from dangerous ideas. Yelling if ever I stepped out of line in the wrong way, praising me for stepping out of line in the right way.

It’d be SUBSTANTIALLY easier for me to just exist if he was just an asshole 100% through and through, but he isn’t. And so. I think about ending it every day, at least once. And I think about my father. And I think about my mother. And I think about my brother. And I freeze in place, incapable of doing anything other than lamenting that I can’t talk to them, and then I keep thinking about ending it because why the fuck not.

[negativity-spiral]

Sitting in my driveway after my overnight shift. Today, after I fall into uneasy shuffling sleep, I have to go visit my parents. I have to say goodbye to their dog. She wasn’t ever mine, but I did live with her for around a year and a half. They got her when I was 19, and she was already getting up there in age. She has cancer. They’ve decided to put her down. It just kind of compounds on the death already happening. She was the best fucking dog I’ve ever met. I say that with no hyperbole. She never barked, bit, scratched or anything. She cuddled, she hung around you, and she just chilled there. It was wonderful. I’ve never seen a dog smile so fucking much before. And she had such a soul in her eyes. Last time I was down at my parents she was stumbling half blind through the house.

That dog marked a pivotal time of my life where I finally cut off my toxic ex. She marked it. They got her a few months after, right after I had reconnected with the friends I was forced to cut contact with. Right after I started feeling myself and happy again. She was the life event that marked my healing. And now there are just fresh wounds. I love you, Bella. I know you’re not quite dead yet, but fuck. I’m sorry I couldn’t stay in that house longer with you there. I had to leave. I know you had a good last few years there.

[negativity-spiral]

Things are going poorly. I never thought in all my life that I would be completely consumed by hopelessness.

I’ve been dancing with hopelessness for years, my entire teenage life into adulthood I have been trying not to sink into despair. For a long time it wasn’t all of that hard if I found the right through-line of thought to assuage the depths of suicidal ideation. “Live for the sake of experience.” “Live for the wholesomeness you see poking through the cracks of soul-sucking void.” “Hope is an inherent part of the human condition, and when it is lost it can be found in the smallest acts of the soul.”

But no. Not anymore. I hadn’t had to deal with the true weight of death yet. I had been living in blissful ignorance of the reality of what death does to people.

One of my family members decided they didn’t want to live anymore. They were 16. Not even a legal adult yet. I attended his funeral recently. They called it a “celebration of life”. I always found it novel and weirdly wholesome as an idea. But when facing the weight of the reality of it, if it wasn’t couched in those terms I think that his mother would have been even more inconsolable than she already was. To learn of how much it truly has been destroying her. Quite literally. She was already on the way out, constant chronic in and out of the hospital, and she was just waiting out her last few years, but she stopped eating. She looked like a prisoner of war, and in a sense she is one. I hugged her, and it felt like hugging a warm corpse, a being devoid of the barest notion of that light of hope. She shuddered. Cried. I couldn’t bring myself to.

I left a message for my cousin. Don’t remember the exact wording, and honestly to say it on a tumblr post would take something of its spiritual significance away. The important part is how futile the message seemed. He wasn’t a believer in an afterlife and neither am I. I shuddered and my eyes watered. The pen seemed to weigh nothing and yet my hand strained to keep it upright. My handwriting shook to be just barely comprehensible. I did not cry.

My grandfather, her father. He was there when they found the body. I saw the lack of himself. The emptiness in his eyes. There was nothing poetic or artistic or melancholic about it. It was an emptiness. He couldn’t form sentences properly. When his eyes met yours they gazed through you as if you weren’t there. I had to prompt a conversation and I don’t think he was even really there for it.

My father, who already was falling down a hateful spiteful rabbit hole of political ideology, is now even more of a mess. The worst parts of himself, parts he’s been working on for over 2 decades, are back in full force. The pettiness. The meanness. The judgmental all encompassing attitude of his own misinformed anger, directed at everything but the actual problems he needs to fix. The rage. I have been seeing progress in these areas over the last few years, small, excruciatingly small steps. All undone. He will be a husk by next year.

Hopelessness has been consuming me. Inky black, an oil slick sludge that bubbles over every inch of my insides. If you cut me open you might just find that that’s all there is inside me now, bones and skin and despair.

I’m not happy in my relationships anymore. I’m not happy with my housing situation. I’m not happy with my job. I have almost no friends. I’m not happy with my relationship to my family members. I already wasn’t able to be honest with them fully. I feel the pit growing deeper. I feel myself growing more meager by the day. I have no money. I have no motivation. I am becoming more and more a husk. A lifeless reanimated corpse incapable of any real substance, any real purpose.

This will keep happening. That’s the thought that initially sent me down this… spiral. This hole. People will keep dying around me. People I love. People I care about. People I don’t even know. And their deaths will make everything a little darker. And a little darker. Until no light can break the canopy and finally all of the things that used to bring me joy will feel meaningless and hollow. This is going to keep happening.

I spent so many years staving off hopelessness. So many years pushing the thought of death to a compartment of its own. But now it’s seeping into my every waking thought. It creeps in. There’s nothing left.

I’m tired.