neosloth - Tumblr blog

neosloth · 5 years ago

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hello... world?

well... hi.

it’s been a while since i’ve (anonymously) blogged on Tumblr. oof. big cringe memories. and i’m sure i’m making some more memories that future me will look back on and cringe at someday. that’s ok.

it’s the summer of 2020. i just graduated from college ( ! ) with two B.A.s - one in dance, one in theatre. my graduation feels rather fake though, as i’ve made the (somewhat rash ?) decision to continue my undergraduate studies, pursuing a B.S. in computer science. i am currently taking a 300-level cs class, my first cs class in three years. i guess it’s going relatively well despite my angst and sudden drop in motivation / general hopelessness about my life and the world / just wanting to lay in bed and play animal crossing all day.

everyday i log into social media and read new horrific news that i don’t want to repeat here. i don’t want to stir up more trauma, but to figure out a way to find self-care while keeping all these things in mind. i don’t know if that makes sense. but it’s hard for me to find a way to express my feelings about all of this, and the emotions just stay twisted up inside me and build pressure. i’m not trying to make this moment all about me, because it isn’t. that’s why i’m blogging “anonymously”. this is a space i’m carving out for myself because i need it, because i’m going crazy without a space on the internet to express my feelings. i guess that’s always been a coping mechanism for me, huh - oversharing on the internet. well. it continues. i guess i’m just sick of being seen, so i’ve vanished from the public-facing blog with my name attached to it as well as my finsta. for now.

what else is there to share? i’m procrastinating a cs project right now. we’re learning ocaml. learning is a generous word. the prof and TAs are throwing assignments at us and we’re teaching ourselves ocaml. that’s more like it. i’ve been feeling really low. i have a lot of anxiety about my physical health and i haven’t been exercising. it’s definitely taking a toll on me. but i feel so unsafe and uncomfortable living at home with my family. it’s emotionally difficult for me to carve out a space for myself to do the things i want to do. sigh. but i guess i just have to be an adult about it and do it if there’s something i want to do, or something that i know will make me feel better. like dancing.

idk. there’s a lot of existential dread cooking up out there right now. and i want to pray for the healing of our nation, of all those oppressed and persecuted, but alas, what do i even believe in these days? it’s challenging. i find myself changing in ways that i feel i can’t control and that makes me nervous. i miss my school friends, or just anyone at school honestly. living with family is very difficult for a myriad of reasons that i won’t get into right now.

i wish there was more i could do to help right now. i wish that cs didn’t leave my brain too exhausted to help with organizing anti-racist curricula and structures at my school. i wish that i could overcome my social anxiety and chat on the phone with my friends whom i haven’t spoken to in months. i wish that i could overcome my anxiety of living with my family and stand up for myself by carving out space and time for me to do the things i really want to do. i wish that i was dancing more, dancing everyday. i think that i have to get familiar with discomfort and change. not everything that feels good is good for me, not everything that feels bad is bad for me.

externalizing these feelings through writing like this helps me a lot. it helps me to see what i’m actually dealing with and then make choices about how i’m going to act.

i want to create again. it’s been so long. i guess that’s why i’m writing.

#blogging #writing #personal blog #ahhhhhhhhh i may delete this in the near future we'll see

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