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canon

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Sometimes I wonder if Marauder stans have read “Snape’s Worst Memory” more than once. I just don’t understand how can you read:

After five minutes of this, Harry wondered why James didn’t tell Wormtail to get a grip on himself, but James seemed to be enjoying the attention. Harry noticed that his father had a habit of rumpling up his hair as though to keep it from getting too tidy, and he also kept looking over at the girls by the water’s edge.

and

‘This’ll liven you up, Padfoot,’ said James quietly. ‘Look who it is …’

Sirius’s head turned. He became very still, like a dog that has scented a rabbit.

‘Excellent,’ he said softly. ‘Snivellus.’

and

‘All right, Snivellus?’ said James loudly.

Snape reacted so fast it was as though he had been expecting an attack.

and

‘Impedimenta!’ he said, pointing his wand at Snape, who was knocked off his feet halfway through a dive towards his own fallen wand.

and

Snape lay panting on the ground. James and Sirius advanced on him, wands raised.

and

‘How’d the exam go, Snivelly?’ said James.

‘I was watching him, his nose was touching the parchment,’ said Sirius viciously. ‘There’ll be great grease marks all over it, they won’t be able to read a word.’

and

Snape was trying to get up, but the jinx was still operating on him; he was struggling, as though bound by invisible ropes.

and

Pink soap bubbles streamed from Snape’s mouth at once; the froth was covering his lips, making him gag, choking him –

and

‘What’s he done to you?’

‘Well,’ said James, appearing to deliberate the point, ‘it’s more the fact that he exists, if you know what I mean …’

and

‘I will if you go out with me, Evans,’ said James quickly. ‘Go on … go out with me and I’ll never lay a wand on old Snivelly again.’

and

James whirled about: a second flash of light later, Snape was hanging upside-down in the air, his robes falling over his head to reveal skinny, pallid legs and a pair of greying underpants.

and

‘Let him down!’

‘Certainly,’ said James and he jerked his wand upwards; Snape fell into a crumpled heap on the ground. Disentangling himself from his robes he got quickly to his feet, wand up, but Sirius said, 'Petrificus Totalus!’ and Snape keeled over again, rigid as a board.

and

‘Reading between the lines, I’d say she thinks you’re a bit conceited, mate,’ said Sirius.

‘Right,’ said James, who looked furious now, ‘right –’

There was another flash of light, and Snape was once again hanging upside-down in the air.

‘Who wants to see me take off Snivelly’s pants?’

and not absolutely loathe these them?

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Always remember, my love.

— Matt Haig, Notes On A Nervous Planet

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Growing up with my Asian parents who have very high expectations, I always feel like I never work hard enough. I experience Perfectionist and Soloist type of impostor syndrome. People often view me as a smart girl; however, I often think about how long until they would be disappointed of me. 

Impostor syndrome might not sound serious but it could lead to a lack in confidence and self-esteem. Talk kindly and don’t sabotage yourself when you make mistakes. Don’t let down your success and say that it is luck. ❤️

Sources: 

Abrams, Abigail. “Yes, Impostor Syndrome Is Real: Here’s How to Deal With It.” Time, Time, 20 June 2018, time.com/5312483/how-to-deal-with-impostor-syndrome/.

Cuncic, Arlin. “How to Stop Feeling Like an Outsider When You Have Social Anxiety.” Verywell Mind, Verywell Mind, 1 May 2020, www.verywellmind.com/imposter-syndrome-and-social-anxiety-disorder-4156469.

Young, Valerie. “10 Steps You Can Use to Overcome Impostor Syndrome.” Impostor Syndrome, 15 Apr. 2020, impostorsyndrome.com/10-steps-overcome-impostor/.

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(via GIPHY)

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we are getting very close to the end of this subject.

because there is no word count for this journal i have no idea to know if this is finished or not

and because i am such a perfectionist its hard to decide when to stop. 

or how to finish.

well i mean finish this journal

i think i am going to make some other tabs on this website, with lists like my goals or what opportunites to chase.

and i also want to revisit this, and then use it to check in with where i am at in 6 months time.

anyway cheers

lets see if i can finish this journal here-ish

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very recently i went out to get a dirty chai as a treat.

and i accidentally had this very short massive D&M with the barrista.

talking about careers, what she wanted to do, what i wanted to do.

and i just feel like all of my attention was just so focused.

then i got worried i was being weird

then i wondered if this was a good thing?

but i think it shows that i am thirsty for meaningful human connection and that i haven’t forgetton how to talk to people and maybe thinking about all these deeper things in classes means that i am less interested in small talk. 

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I kind of wanted to have a part in presenting for the in class presentation, but i think i am still being hesitant in the group work. 

I worry that i talk too much and i don’t want to dominate the conversation.

But then i take a backseat and then i feel like i swinging from one extreme to another.

I’m trying not to be too frustrated at the idea that maybe this would all be easier to communicate if we were all face to face.

like always wondering about what if

and thinking about the negative impact.

i am just SO EXHAUSTED FROM COMMUNICATING ONLINE AND VIA VIDEO CHAT. I FIND THE PACE OF CONVERSATIONS THAT ARE STILITED IN THAT WEIRD ONLINE WAY SO EXHAUSTING BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE A ROBOT TRYING TO READ THEIR VISUAL CUES.

BECAUSE ITS BEEN SO LONG SINCE I HAVE SPOKEN TO PEOPLE FACE TO FACE I KIND OF WORRY THAT I DON’T KNOW HOW TO COMMUNICATE ANYMORE

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I feel like a lot of the lessons and topics in the subject just keep looping around each other.

like a completely non-linear journey

or maybe i just think the idea of emotional intelligence is just so relevent to everything.

as part of EQ goes, i think something i need to work on is how critical i can be.

i don’t think being critical is inherently bad.

but it can be bad, especially if people aren’t in good spaces to hear that.

so i try to apply strategies, like the ‘shit sandwich’ a concept i learnt about in art school.

we would have to give each other critique on each others work.

so you would:

say something you like

comment about what you dont or what could improve

and then something positive again.

making a neat little shit sandwich so to speak.

i think its this thing of knowing that although my intention is not to make people feel bad or feel like they are incompetant. its often because i want people to be better or that i have this perspective of looking at how things can be inproved all the time. 

but this can: 

rupture rapport

hurt feelings

cause conflict

be counter intuitive. 

people can assume that I’m wanting to be antagonistic

and so i think its actually not about intent, and focusing on that and what the impact actually is. 

I feel like this quality can also get me kind of stuck. because i don’t know if i should say what i think or not. and then i don’t feel like i am being true to myself. but i worry that if i do speak up, then people might assume that me being critical means that I’m a negative person.

maybe this shows that i do care about what people think more then what i initially thought?

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