neutisanidiot-blog

[neutisanidiot-blog]

#sameright

If you have emotionally abusive family members:

It is not your fault.

It is not your fault.

It is not your fault.

Earlier today, my mother had a long "conversation" with me in which she made me feel guilty for many things, including my sexual orientation and gender-identity, the fact that I hid these things from her, the fact that I went to the school counselor for support about this, and the fact that I talked to my trusted friends and my older brother about this. She's very homophobic and transphobic, and since being outed to her I've had to pretend that I've "become" straight. She threatened to not pay for college if I continued being queer (and then denied this when I brought it up with my counselor) and has repeatedly prayed for me to be put "on the right path".

After we talked, I felt bad that I had hidden things from her, and that I was still hiding things (like this tumblr). But then I realized that it is not my fault, that if she wanted me to be open she should have loved me for who I was, not the daughter she thought she had. If she wanted me to talk to her instead of my brother, my counselor, and my friends, then she shouldn't have belittled me and threatened to abandon me. I spent years making excuses for her behavior, telling my friends who thought she was abusive that they were wrong, believing her every time she put the blame on me even though I was a kid.

I'm done letting her make me feel guilty. It is her fault that I'm afraid of her. It is her fault that I had to hide who I am. It is her fault that I have an escape plan. It is not my fault. It is not my fault. It is not my fault.