never-not-ever

[never-not-ever]

On the drive to my friends house in NC I had my music blasting in the car, sipping my Starbucks, eating my buttery croissant and exchanged some final messages with the pilot guy..

I’m going to reach out to him in a month and see what happened with his base swap, see if there’s a chance he might be in Boston this fall. We both agreed it’s not worth the risk to keep talking right now though.

It’s about 9am and I’m up for the day. Tossed and turned for an hour or so but now I’m up and my friend just woke up but hasn’t come out to the living room yet. So it’s like this is the first time I’m alone and it’s all settling in about the guy…

I redownloaded Hinge last night and unpaused my account so we’ll see what happens. I told the guy “who knows what’s going to happen in a month, I may be single, I may just fuck around, who knows”. I really don’t want to wait around for the hope that he may get Boston in November. Cause even if that’s the case it’s like well then that’s 3 months after he finds out.. ughh too much overthinking.

No thinking. Just dating.

That’s actually what my therapist and I talked about two days ago. How dating guys and not just focusing on the one, would be beneficial. I’ve never dated really and never experienced rejection after talking to someone and I know it’s normal but I’m also worried about that. So that’s my plan. Go back to a dating app.

Well she just woke up. We’re probably gonna get some coffee, fix my hair (we bleached it last night and it needs more fixing lol), maybe sit by the pool again, meet up with one of her friends for dinner.

I keep having little thoughts of the guy and it makes me a little sad but honestly it’s not completely goodbye.

“I truly do wish you the best, and if you ever need someone to talk to you have my number. Take care of yourself and I’ll talk to you in a month.”

[never-not-ever]

I keep going back and forth between getting emotional and not wanting to “say goodbye” and end this and then thinking okay, I can go back to dating sites, I can find someone here in Boston that I can be with physically, I still feel good and confident in my appearance, I think I can maybe find someone…

Like that’s what happened yesterday. He found out around 5, told me, I obviously started crying (we were texting at the time) and he was upset by this news cause at the end of the day it’s affecting him, it’s his life, he even said “I feel like my whole life just got flipped upside down”.

So I got out of the little funk, put on music, danced around my room, started packing and felt better.

Then we chatted later that night. Both bringing up good points. Like yea we could keep talking and see if in 4 weeks his “swap” gets approved for Bos but even if it did he wouldn’t be up here til November. He said something about when he got into this career he swore he would never ask or expect anyone to be waiting around for him to come back and that’s why his previous relationship ended. He also said he’d never forgive himself if we got closer and closer and then he never got to Boston.

I keep reminding myself you’ve only been talking for ELEVEN days… get ahold of yourself.

Not me sitting in the airport with tears in my eyes cause I just sent a message to the guy I’ve been talking to (a pilot) about us not moving forward because he found out last night he’s being sent to Pit and not Bos and I know if we kept innocently chatting away I’d fall for him (even more). Like girl it’s been 11 days, calm the fuck down.

But I really liked him.

[never-not-ever]

Not me sitting in the airport with tears in my eyes cause I just sent a message to the guy I’ve been talking to (a pilot) about us not moving forward because he found out last night he’s being sent to Pit and not Bos and I know if we kept innocently chatting away I’d fall for him (even more). Like girl it’s been 11 days, calm the fuck down.

But I really liked him.

[never-not-ever]

I really hope it works out and even if it works out there’s still so much time to see if it works out til then and even when then comes it’s like will it continue to work out?

[never-not-ever]

[never-not-ever]

Life is pretty fucking good at the moment.

I've seen my friend group a couple times in the past month and I'm heading to a pool party later today for one of their birthdays.

I started taking one of the boys-Benny, outside and he absolutely loves it. He's currently crying at the back door cause he wants to go back out! It's become a little routine when I come back from the gym we go outside and I take my coffee with me, today I took my breakfast.

I've been meaning (actually have a couple drafts I think) to talk about how different things are with the food and the weight loss and the obsessions... On Tuesday I forgot to step on the scale in the morning. You know life is more meaningful when that happens and you don't freak out. You just shrug your shoulders and move on. Every single day since mid-December I've stepped on that damn scale, even brought it with me overnight when I went to the Cape. I was going to bring it on my trip coming up but there's better things in my life now than obsessing over the number on the scale and letting that affect my mood for the day.

Last night I made cinnamon toast with cream cheese, took a bite and did a happy dance cause it was so damn good! In fact I might go make a slice after this. It feels so good to be able to eat and enjoy food again. I'm not weighing out and measuring every little thing. At one point I bought a second food scale to leave at my cousins cause I was using it whenever I was there. I haven't used either of them in weeks.

Things are getting a little rocky with my cousin. It makes sense, cause I've been spending so much time with her so eventually we're gonna get on each others nerves. I love her and care about her so much but I need to create better boundaries (not oversharing too much) for my own wellbeing.

I just realized I made an updatey post yesterday. I was about to get into the nitty gritty with this new guy I'm talking to and my cousins opinion but I just realized I already talked about it lol.

Next topic: I'm leaving on Friday and I'm SO excited. I'm flying down to NC, renting a car for the weekend and staying with a friend. She's part of the friend group I've been seeing lately and she moved down there for school a couple years ago. We Facetimed last night and I'm so excited to go see her and have my own adventure! On Sunday I'm driving up to WV to stay with my Aunt and Uncle for a little over a week. I haven't been there in 2 years! I usually use it as a reset but it's funny cause this is probably the first time in a long time that I'm going down there and not needing a reset because mentally I'm in a better place than I have been in years.

When I get back I'm applying to Whole Foods and Trader Joe's. I'm hoping to start asap cause I'm ready to start this new chapter which to be honest I kind of already started....

I feel so fucking good. I end the night (usually after talking to him, although it was brief last night cause he had to fly out early this morning) in such a good mood. Dancing around to my current favs which I'll get to lol. But yea last night was a maybe 4 min Facetime just to say goodnight compared to the 3 hours the nights before lmao. But after that I talked to my cousin, tried to figure out Snapchat, typed up a long ass post on here that just went in my drafts lol, cooked some breakfast (yes at 11pm) put half of it away for this morning-t'was delicious after the gym, and then started watching 50 Shades, oh and made a Tik Tok lol. So even doing my own thing at night, I still went to bed in a great mood so I'm not really worried about the whole "don't put all your happiness into talking to a guy" cause I'm not. My life has many little joys now, he's one of them but there's so much more to it, so much to look forward to.

Lastly- current favs for music: I've been listening to a lot of old Kesha (C'Mon, Blow, Sleazy, Blah Blah Blah, Your Love Is My Drug) mixed with some Sabrina Carpenter (Manchild, Busy Woman, Taste, Espresso) and then these random songs are my on-repeat -obsessed: Sports Car, Sue me, One Thing, Diet Pepsi.

Okay, I'm off to make some iced coffee and toast and then get started on some housework before I need to start getting ready to go out later, also wanna finish the movie but we'll see if I have time.

[never-not-ever]

[never-not-ever]

Charlotte Eriksson, “Everything Changed When I Forgave Myself”

[never-not-ever]

every single fucking thing on earth exists solely to put a dent in your newly applied nail polish

[never-not-ever]

— Donte Collins

[never-not-ever]

I've been so busy it's crazy. Like it feels so weird to have today to myself and just lay around although I have things I need to do around my house.

This morning was the 4th morning that I went to the gym. I don't know what possessed me to go that first day cause I've always been a late night gym person but ever since I've been hooked. It makes me feel good about myself and puts me in a good mood for the day. It probably helps that I wake up in a good mood after talking to the guy the night before so I want to keep the good mood happening.

I ran a few errands after the gym, including some groceries. The BBQ "steak" salad is still a fixation. This guy is a meat eater and honestly if all goes well and we end up together I may go back to eating meat just cause of the simplicity of a relationship. I don't want to offend anyone and get into the nitty gritty of why I'm a vegetarian but it's more so being a picky meat eater..

Okay this post is NOT about the guy lmao so I need to talk about other shit lmao.

I finally went to the dentist on Thursday. Honestly the day before I was beating myself up a lot, more so just depressed about it I guess. But then that night and the next morning I was in a completely different mindset. I finally feel so confident in my appearance (most of it) and mentally I'm the most stable I've been in years. I wasn't going to let my teeth derail me. I made an appointment and yes I need to have a shitload of work done and if I think about it too much it starts to overwhelm me but I have an appointment scheduled for a couple days after I get back from my trip so I'm fixing the problem, I'm doing something about it.

I've met with the SW for the IOP program three times now and we're not meeting next week cause he's on vacation ironically he's on vacation for nearly the same amount of time as me. It's a slow process and honestly I keep second guessing this program.

Fuck I just got so tired all of a sudden. I think I may take a nap. I'll post more later. I'm possibly going in town to a club with my friend. He's at a pool party right now so he said he'd keep me updated on how late he's there/how he's feeling. I want to get drunk and dance. Not as drunk as I did last weekend but I want to have some fun. I need to have other things in my life that make me happy besides the guy 🙃

[never-not-ever]

I wonder how many people talked about their "something good" too early on and it didn't last and they felt silly for ever talking about it in the first place...

But then I wonder how many times the "something good" turned out to be "something amazing" and that they didn't even know how good things were about to get...

So the guy I hooked up with.. his loss. And I'm SO fucking glad it turned out that way. Honestly I'm glad we hooked up, it was a nice start to get back into things, feel attractive and wanted- it felt good. But the texting slowed down drastically and he did text me two days ago but I never replied and probably never will cause I'm sure he gets the hint. Even though I did make it apparent that I was interested in continuing things and even though he said he was too, his actions or lack thereof proved otherwise.

So that being said... I've been talking to this new guy since Monday. I just typed "kid" instead of "guy" and cringed because, ughhh he's younger than me. It's funny cause he teases me about it and I always dramatically groan. But he's taller than me and he looks my age so I can deal with the age difference. When we're FaceTiming I don't feel that old, it's okay, I can deal with it lol.

The last two nights we FaceTimed for like 3 hours and it's been so nice. I keep teasing him that I've been getting my way from the start cause yesterday he said he was going to go to bed at "normal people hours" and then we ended up talking til like almost 3am again.

He's moving to Boston in August for work after his 6 weeks of training that start this week. I caught myself a little while ago getting that dreadful what if this doesn't work out, I don't want to lose something good feeling that I know all too well and have associated that with not wanting to get better because I'd rather not have than to have and lose...

But I need to slow the fuck down and reign it in. It's not even been a week, Jesus Christ. My overthinking and insecurities keep popping up and I need to shut them the fuck up before I scare this guy away. He knows about my past and my current insecurities with my body and he's still here so that's a plus. But I do not want to be the needy always-need-reassurance type of girl. He's younger but so mature cause he had said that he's not into mindgames, he'll be honest and tell me how he feels. So let's just hope that continues.

Last night we quizzed each other on proper pronunciations of places and words. He laughs and makes fun of my Boston accent and I joke about his Southern one even though his state is not considered Southern in my book but it's strong and his voice is hot. Anyways... I was telling him about Boston, hopefully not scaring him but also said I'd make him a guidebook which I was mostly kidding about.

I really need to be careful hanging around my cousin though cause I don't want her insecurities, trust issues and paranoia rubbing off and ruining this for me. Already she's had her opinions on things like "hmm that seems like a red flag, he could be "just" saying that and not mean it". Like I'm not naive, we literally just met and we don't even live in the same state, who the fuck knows what's truthful and real. But the more we talk the more I get a feeling of him and I can tell he's being honest but also it's so fucking lowkey right now that it's not like there's much to lie about?? Okay ending the overthinking but that's my little romance update. Next up the other stuff.

[never-not-ever]

[never-not-ever]

I may have had a shitty afternoon but it ended on a good note.

Even though the anxiety is starting to kick in about my fucking dentist appointment tomorrow.

[never-not-ever]

[never-not-ever]

I was just talking this guy for four hours, texting ended in FaceTime. After we said our goodnights I went and made some food and then proceeded to dance around my bedroom eating and listening to the same few songs that have been stuck in my head all day. I felt so good, so confident, so wanted after talking to that guy. It's a different guy from the other night. Things seem more promising with the new one but honestly after this last week I know not to put all my eggs in one basket even though things seem a lot more promising with the new guy.

Ironic that sue me I wanna be wanted is stuck in my head lol. I didn't think I'd be going to bed this early but damn this exhaustion just washed over me and I feel like I'm going to pass out the second my head hits the pillow.

Life is pretty fucking good right now.

[never-not-ever]

I think this is gonna be a fun summer.