I got sucked into the nonstop scrolling on Tik Tok. Towards the end I really forgot for a second that Iām still here. I guess that can happen at any place or time. Just get lost in that world and when you finally put your phone down your surroundings come back to you.
I ended on this one persons account whoās been in a locked inpatient unit for a little over 2 years in the UK. Itās weird cause thru lots of videos I learned that they have hourly checks and can have overnight passes. They do 15 min checks too and take away all your belongings if needed. But the overnight passes and hourly checks were so strange to me. Itās clearly a long term inpatient unit? Unless sheās one of the few. Just like Iām one of the few (at the moment, I know itās not that rare) to be here this long at the āshortā term unit.
I was on the 1:1 for 26 days. I came off it completely last Tuesday. It varied a lot, I think it was 24hrs for the first week and then she took of the day shift for a weekend and on Monday took off the overnight shift. Then right before my SA anniversary on the 21st she put me back on it 24hours. Took me off the overnight shift that following weekend. Then that Monday off the day shift and then the next day off the whole thing. That was a lot but in the end for those 26 days I was always on the 1:1 from 3pm-11pm.
Coming off it was weird. It was funny when I tried to ask for a pass for Easter. Like you just came off the 1:1 on Tuesday and youāre asking for a home pass this Sunday?? In rounds they told my doctor theyād be more comfortable with a pass during the week. So I asked for the Friday before and they said itās too soon. āLetās see how the weekend goes and maybe on Mondayā.
Last weekend went fine and I got my first pass (2 hours), off this campus in 4 months, a couple days ago on Monday. Conditions being not going home, staying local. Then I got a 3 hour pass yesterday, local again. My doctor put an order in for ādaily passesā and told me that I can have as many passes home as I need until I feel ready to go home.
Iāve gone on 2 passes so far without sneaking anything back in like all my other passes before. But Iām worried about home. Like Iām not worried Iām going to do anything or sneak anything back. Iām just worried Iām going to get super overwhelmed. This week has been so overwhelming and I get so much anxiety in the morning and at night. I havenāt been home since thanksgiving which I kept thinking it was 3 months ago but nope. That was 4 months ago.
Itās just crazy to me to think 2 weeks ago I was on a daily 1:1 and now I have daily passes???
Iām 90% sure Iām not going to screw this up. That Iām going to keep up with the passes and leave by the end of April or a week sooner. But a small part of me is so worried Iām going to mess this all up.
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Sick / Not sick enough
Always too much or nothing at all.
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āYou have a story to shareā.
But do I really? Sad girl who didnāt grow up with her mother. Lost her maturnal figure when she was 19. Fell into an addiction of self harm and self hatred thatās been occupying half her life now.
My story is going to end soon. I keep telling the staff that the self harm urges have lessened and all I can think about when I close my eyes is cutting in a means to end my life. The only two things thatās stopping me is my concern for staff that would walk in on me and see that mess and also it becoming an attempt instead of a finality.
Iām honest with staff. They know how serious my SI has gotten and Iām on a 1:1 so thereās nothing to really worry about.
I guess the anger and frustration from my team if I failed as well.
And I know. I know staff care about me. I know my doctor is āvery protectiveā of me. So that is one last protective factor. Will I really hit a point where itās just blinders, ears blocked, no thoughts or concerns about hurting people? If that happens then Iām done for.
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Howās it going? Thinking of you
Hmmm itās going, thanks for asking š¤.
The day shift (7am-3pm) 1:1 ended on Friday but like mid shift. Over the weekend it was so nice at 7am to shut my door and be able to actually sleep without the door open. Albeit Iām still on 5ās but the towel on the door makes it harder to hear it open so often.
Yesterday she took off the night shift 1:1 (11pm-7am) so now Iām only on the 1:1 during the evening shift. She was going to take me off it all together but this afternoon Iām seeing my motherā¦
So a little back story:
My mother lost custody of me when I was 2. My Nana and my Aunt raised me. My Aunt was like my mother figure. My Nana was always the stern one, always angry, never was the lovey dovey type. She loved/loves me and is so supportive but there was just never that maternal love. My Aunt on the other hand.. weād watch tv on the couch and my head would be in her lap and sheād brush my hair back. She passed away when I was 19. I watched her take her last breath and then afterward I climbed onto the bed with her and took her dead hand and brushed my hair back one last time. Morbid huh?
Anyways growing up my Nana (who had legal custody of me) allowed me to try to have a relationship with my mother. It started out with exchanging Christmas gifts in the car then being able to go out for the day with my mother. Which my mother took advantage of and decided to sneak me to her one room place (literally just a room). Of course as a kid I was going to do whatever she thought was right. And I remember it was nice during the Summer not having to find places in town to cool off or use the bathroom. Doesnāt sound that bad right? Except this place was crawling with cockroaches. And when I would shy away from them sheād scold me cause I was making her boyfriend āfeel badā.
Years later she moved to my town and got an actual apartment and I would visit and stay overnight. It was then that I realized she was still using drugs, the reason she lost custody of me. My mother being out of her mind, thought that after all those years I would want to live with her. It was then that she started talking badly about my Nana and Aunt, the people I went home to. They never talked badly about her. They let me see and find out the type of person she was for myself and that was when was I decided to cut off contact with her for good.
That was, I think the summer after my freshman year of high school, so I was maybe 15 years old. Fast forward to winter of 2013/2014 and my mother was living with her sister/my Aunt and my cousin. Our mothers are sisters and my Aunt who raised me was adopted. Funny how the good ones die. My cousin had a baby in November 2013 and I spent so much time at her house that a winter. Naturally Iād have to see my mother and exchange a few words. One day I called her by her first name instead of mom, and she replied with so much anger and hatred āDonna? They trained you wellā. To which I said āthey? My real mother is deadā. And she replied in a completely opposite tone āI know baby, Iām so sorry about Auntie, I wish it was me insteadā. That back and forth emotion was just too much.
Thatās the last real conversation I remember. And that was about 10 years ago.
Iām seeing her later. Here. At the hospital... Last week I was talking to my doctor and I said ācan you imagine if my mother came here as a patientā and she said āI think your mom should come here, for a visitā. I laughed. She said she was serious. I thought about it for a second and replied with seriousness that Iād think about it. Which didnāt take much thinking. Iām on a 1:1, Iāve been in the hospital for almost 6 months. Iāve thought about it before, reaching out, trying to have a conversation and see what happens. So why not do it here? Iām in a safe place surrounded by idiots that care about me.
This just goes to show just how much I like my doctor for me to have agreed to this. Even though I just said how I was thinking about it before, itās been a while since I wondered about it and definitely did not think it would happen in here.
Itāll be good to get this over with but I am petrified itās going to set me back.
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The Long Way Home | Jon Trend
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HOW TO DISAPPEAR
Vanishment made easy
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Are you able to translate/extrapolate a cohesive sentence/phrase from a broken one?
š«„
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Things are really bad. This past week things just got worse and worse. Iām back on a 1:1. It started on Thursday.
Last night: āif you donāt stop I will have to restrain youā.
Iāve never had those words said to me.
I used to be on the other side when I was in a situation like mine last night. Heard nurses tell my patients if you donāt stop weāre going to have to restrain you.
I canāt stop replaying last night. It was horrible. I never self harmed on that 1:1 back in November. Things are just getting worse and I donāt know what to do or how to stop.
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window garden
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Leila Chatti, from "Postcard from Gone"
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Do you honestly feel safe going home? I'm a little concerned, tbh. Just want you to be safe <3
Yea it not happening now. Things took a dramatic turn south
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She said in this state once I discharge here the application goes away.
Just fair warning - in my state you donāt have to be transferred from hospital to state hospital, the section can still be approved from home so approved patients may be discharged and then still sent into state hospital after the fact. Try and take care. ā¤ļøā¤ļø
Thank you for letting me know. Iām going to ask my doctor tomorrow about this! ā¤ļø
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Just fair warning - in my state you donāt have to be transferred from hospital to state hospital, the section can still be approved from home so approved patients may be discharged and then still sent into state hospital after the fact. Try and take care. ā¤ļøā¤ļø
Thank you for letting me know. Iām going to ask my doctor tomorrow about this! ā¤ļø
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āItās a good thing that state application is in.
Donāt get your hopes up for Fridayā
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Franz Kafka, from Letters to Felice
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