nevernevernevermore

[nevernevernevermore]

[nevernevernevermore]

“To tell someone not to be emotional is to tell them to be dead.”

— Jeanette Winterson

[nevernevernevermore]

Art by Jana Heidersdorf

[nevernevernevermore]

“All suffering originates from craving, from attachment, from desire.”

— Edgar Allen Poe

[nevernevernevermore]

It’s almost been a year since I started this tumblr and I’ve learned a lot of things privately that I, impulsively, want to document and share publicly.

1. A year isn’t a long time to heal from something.

A year ago my dream was to be healed and over the things that took me down so low. While I am in a much happier and healthier state, time unfortunately cannot heal those burns. I’ve made the best decisions for myself that I can make given my knowledge and abilities but I know there’s still a long way to go. I’m at peace with that now.

2. Purpose means everything. If I don’t feel a sense of momentum or purpose brace for impact. I’m not a person who can handle stagnancy well. I’m willing to write that off as generational trauma and not something I manifested. That understanding doesn’t absolve anything but I’m able to cope with it better now.

3. I’m allowed to be honest. I think if I could use a word to describe myself this past year it’s secretive. No one knows anything I don’t want them to. No details, no true feelings, nothing. I was waiting for it to not matter anymore but in the end I just made a prison for myself where everything matters and I just have to basically stare at it until it decides to give me some relief.

4. nevermore wasn’t just a literary reference for the aesthetic. I truly meant it from a deep place. It was a pin in this bubble I built in my head that I can be open and invite people in. No one is allowed close to me anymore. I haven’t been able to share a genuine connection. I don’t trust anyone anymore. I don’t think I ever could again. It’s become easier to trust people to do harm at this point than offer any refuge. The lesson in all of this has really just been that I can only count on me and that’s been better for my spirit. Love is not on the table.

5. I need to get better at clocking out early. No more overlooking concerning traits in people. I am not greater or above the worst thing they are capable of. I can’t just hold my head above their mind games. I would rather just not exist to them in the first place.

6. I’ve chosen to make peace that no matter how much I remind people, I just am not human to them. I will always be the drag performer they’ve twisted into being deserving of the dartboard of their mind. The over dramatic, over emotional sensitive nerve ending of a thing. I will never get that opportunity to prove them otherwise and it would be pathetic of me to try to prove it wrong. In fact I’m sure that if they got a whiff of this writing it would be in many-a-groupchat. So hi, fuck you too 🫰🏻(just in case)

7. In the end talent wins. Not over anyone else, over my pain, over my sadnesses, over all of the things that hurt me over and over again. I’m so proud of my work ethic. In spite of all this I make things happen for myself and have been able to turn dirt into diamonds over and over and over. That’s the most important thing to me. My real voice still matters over all of that.

That’s what the last year has brought me!

I’ve explored so much art over the last year. I wrote and recorded so many songs that will never see the light of day but I’m proud to stand back from just knowing that I did it to my taste level. (Which is hard to do because I do not enjoy the technical process of producing and have impossibly high standards)

I wrote hundreds of poems that I may bind a small collection of into a hardcover and share someday (maybe around the release of my collection)

Oh and of course, I’m in full-time fashion school. Which, to me, was the “invisible string” in all this. I’m taking one of my biggest passions to new levels and I hope that a year from now I can look back at this and say “that’s cunt, I can’t believe how far I’ve come, yet again”

I already have my graduate collection planned teehee.

I’ve got so much to say!

See you on the runway 🖤🪡

[nevernevernevermore]

“Sometimes we meet someone and are with them for a short time, yet somehow we write about them forever.”

— jcatmoonlight

[nevernevernevermore]

Suffer for art, do art to soothe suffering. Lather rinse repeat.

why a poet be damned when the one thing he loves is the cause of his madness.

stripping away his reality and living in life eternally dreaming of what things would’ve, could’ve, or should’ve been

[nevernevernevermore]

[nevernevernevermore]

“If we wait until we’re ready, we’ll be waiting the rest of our lives.”

— Lemony Snicket; The Ersatz Elevator

[nevernevernevermore]

Does the meaning even matter when the outcome is the same

[nevernevernevermore]

[nevernevernevermore]

The problem is people are being hated when they are real, and being loved when they are fake.

~ Bob Marley

[nevernevernevermore]

Trust your body. When your intuition tells you something is off about a situation, a person, or a place—trust it and remove yourself immediately.

[nevernevernevermore]

Not Waving but Drowning

by Stevie Smith

Nobody heard him, the dead man,   But still he lay moaning: I was much further out than you thought     And not waving but drowning.

Poor chap, he always loved larking Playing tricks, kidding, fooling around. And now he’s dead It must have been too cold for him his heart gave way,     They said.

Oh, no no no, it was too cold always   (Still the dead one lay moaning)     I was much too far out all my life     And not waving but drowning.

[nevernevernevermore]

-Patricia Smith

[nevernevernevermore]

“The soul always knows what to do to heal itself, the challenge is to silence the mind.”

— Book of serenity

[nevernevernevermore]

“How a person reacts to your sadness says a lot about how long they’re going to be in your life.”

— S. Z.