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[newbeginningsinprocess]

But God…

 I want to share a story with you about a little girl. A little girl that was born and raised on the Monterey Peninsula but didn’t really learn to truly live until her later days. 

She was a quiet type of girl who spent much time observing her surroundings and just trying to keep in line with what she thought was right. 

She felt misunderstood, most of the time, but worse than that was the overwhelming fear of feeling alone. It was a darkness that swallowed her up on most days and yet the alternative which was to engage in the lives of others seemed equally terrifying. She tried her best to keep the people in her life pleased and happy with her, but that was extremely difficult because her life was so unpredictable. 

You see my testimony is probably different from yours in many ways, but similar in that  all of us have been raised by humans. The humans in our lives may have done the best they knew how to do in fact I guarantee that some of them did the very best they could have done. The tragedy is that so many of the adults in our lives were wounded, and broken and lacked understanding and so they fell so very short in how they should have treated anyone of us. 

I grew up in a fairly wealthy area (The Monterey Peninsula) . I was surrounded by people who were educated and knew how to behave in public.  My family consisted of my Mom, Dad, me and my younger brother. I will say I never really lacked for anything in the material realm,  But, I basically lacked most everything else.  

My parents brought the pain and brokenness from their childhood and how they were raised  to the table and did a smashing job of taking that hurt and wielding it on me and my brother.  We looked wonderful on the outside. Nice home, nice cars, nice clothes, even private high school, but Inside we reeked of dung. 

I experienced just about every kind of abuse in my home, verbal, emotional, physical and even sexual. My father started abusing me at a young age and continued  through the beginnings of my adolescence.  Around that time, He found other distractions, and for that, I am very grateful.  My mother at the same time was very physically abusive. It seemed I could never do anything right and so I was always “in trouble” for something.  My home was not safe and I would often find small spaces to literally tuck myself into, hoping the storms would pass and I would just be left alone. 

I learned quickly to be quiet and keep to myself. There were rare times I just couldn’t keep quiet, I wanted to scream and fight back, yet when I did, it never ended well for me. I began to feel paralyzed and could not fight against anything that would come against me, not even others ideas and thoughts.  Looking back I now use the term that I was developing into a “non-person”. I had a difficult time even making simple decisions for myself.  I was too busy surviving my home to truly develop the person I was created to be. 

Because of that, I moved through my growing up years as a complete victim. I would even find myself in friendships where I would be controlled and manipulated. It was an amazing set up for failure in life…but God! 

As I moved through high school I found myself, like a lot of teens, trying to find their way through the muck and mire of life. I dipped my toes into different kinds of addictions distractions and medications.  I was desperately trying to find a way to stop feeling.  Feeling meant pain, and the pain was so intense that at times it felt like I couldn’t breathe. I wanted to be as far away from my pain as possible. 

As a younger child I found that I could easily escape into my imagination. But as I grew I learned to find other ways to numb the pain.  After high school I was primed for more abuse, but God. Following my high school graduation I was wrangled into going to Christian camp called Young Life. My friend talked me into going with her because someone told her it would be a lot of fun and this would be our last opportunity to go do it together. So, off we went unknowing of the events that we would soon step into.  Needless to say we did have a lot of fun and were glad that we made the decision to go. It was a different experience for both of us having grown up in the Catholic Church. The people around us seemed sincere in this love thing that they had for their God. I remember being intrigued but my best friend seemed skeptical and uncertain of what was happening around us. 

Being a loyal friend and not having the mind to really think for myself I joined in her stream of thought. The night before we had left for camp it was a rather emotional evening. My best friend began to experience a severe headache that she just couldn't overcome. It persisted so much that before I knew what was happening she was being whisked off in an ambulance due to the pain. I was left feeling lost at that moment. I recall wandering outside that evening…I remember having a funny feeling stirring inside. I didn’t have the language to know what was going on, but One of the counselors that I had interacted with over the course of the week “found me” and sat with me for a bit.  She began to ask me some thought provoking questions and seemed to take an interest in me. It felt nice, but foreign at the same time. I don’t remember all the details of the conversation but as the night progressed she began to ask more direct questions about God, sin, salvation, faith and love. I didn’t have any real answers for her but I felt challenged and began to really wonder about things she was presenting. At some point she asked if I wanted to receive Jesus as my Savior. Now she's got me thinking about these huge questions like what is sin and how does a person come to salvation and what happens after a person dies. Again she asks if I want to receive Christ as my savior, and it feels more personal now. 

I thought “well, my friend isn’t here now and she will never know if I do.”  Also I was intrigued and curious at this point. I decided to follow her lead in making this declaration of salvation in Christ. After we prayed she stayed a bit longer and then left me. I remember lying on my back looking up at the thick black sky above. It seemed that  there were more stars in the sky than I had ever seen before. I had this feeling, like a liquid, begin to flow inside. The feeling was warm, comforting and BIG. Not like anything I had ever experienced before. 

As I sat by myself for sometime and  gazed at the night sky, somehow it looked different to me. I thought “the One who created all the stars was now loving me.”  And so began my new found relationship with the Lord. 

I would love to be able to say that my life went well from this point on, but life isn’t so neat and tidy. The next year did feel like a new experience for me. New faces, new teachings, new activities. It was really beautiful, for a while. Life was going pretty well. I was working, going to school, and learning about Jesus. I felt different in some ways but the same. This deep feeling of loneliness ensued. Toward the end of my first anniversary as a Christian, I met a guy that was connected to my extended family members. We began dating but the relationship was bad out of the gate. He was often putting me down and demoralizing me.  He would even talk about other girls that were smarter than me. It was abusive from the beginning. At this point in my life all I knew to do was apologize for who I was. Though I didn’t like how I felt being around him I never even considered that I deserved any different. The end of the relationship terminated in a violent rape. 

As best as I could I tried to move forward but I was left with so many questions. Why would God allow this to happen to me? Why didn’t He stop it? My life began to take a real dive at this point. I tried to push through but at some point it was as if my whole world began to unravel. I moved several times in the next year. Looking back I was running, but the funny thing about running is you take yourself with you. I had made a move to Fresno for a time because I could no longer sustain being in the same school as the man who raped me. From there I had an opportunity to move to France, attend school and work as a nanny. During my time in France I had begun to journal. I recall  writing one evening that I didn’t understand why I was still feeling alone, depressed and as if I wanted to die. While living abroad I made the acquaintance of a Christian family. They brought me into their life and even gave me my first  bible. I felt loved, accepted, a part, and it felt healing. I promised myself when I got back home I would try to follow the Lord and no longer be a slave to the world. Back home again I found a job, picked  back up with school, at the local  community college, and tried. I did for a while maintain my life, but  about a year into being back I “hit a wall” . I walked into class one day and the feeling inside was that I just wanted to scream… long and loud.  I turned around and walked out of the classroom, saying to myself I can longer move forward in this life. 

The interesting part here is that for weeks I had been vaguely aware of a constant ad on the radio. The radio was advertising a place called New Life Treatment Center. A place where those that are lost in addiction, depression and suicidal ideation can find help. I went home, called the number and hoped for help. Before I knew what was happening I was on a bus with a backpack in tow headed for the New Life Treatment center 6 hours south in Pasadena. 

By the grace of God I was able to be admitted for severe depression and suicidal ideation. They were able to take me for a week. Great, I’ll get all fixed up, head back in a week, resume school and move on with my life. I never moved back to the Monterey Peninsula. 

I was picked up at the bus station by a worker at the New Life Treatment Center. I Told him I was glad to have this opportunity, but I was looking forward to getting back to my life after I got this piece of it straightened out. He quietly said that sometimes God’s plans are a little different from ours. I was highly irritated with him from saying that but I kept it to myself. 

My week turned into two, by the grace of God because my insurance only covered one week. They fought to keep me there longer and challenged me to not return home but after 2 weeks, they just couldn’t keep me. From there they helped me to find a woman’s shelter for domestic violence since I had already lived that experience and was primed to continue down that road. I moved from Pasadena to Hermosa beach, then to Glendale to another shelter and finally to Big Bear where I entered into the program at DOVES.  Here I could rest for a little longer as the program was nine months. I had never even heard of Big Bear and in my ignorance I was wondering if where I was headed actually had indoor plumbing? Looking back I could see the hand of God on me. 

Wherever I placed my foot there was a person to extend love, care, acceptance and a heart that was more than willing to help. The Nine months spent at the Doves shelter in Big Bear gave me the time and opportunity to get my feet underneath me a bit . I had to secure a job and a place to live before I was able to graduate from the program. I had begun the long road to recovery. When I speak of recovery I mean that in all parts of my life. I had begun to travel the road of counseling and becoming more self aware, it was painful! I was really blessed to land a job at the local hospital as a nurse's aid and I came across a little studio cabin on a widows property in Bear City. I had no vehicle but I had some money saved to purchase a pretty nice bike and I learned the public transportation system well. It seemed as if I was on my way and on the road to recovery from this brutal place of severe depression. The first few months after leaving the shelter were harsh. It felt good to be on my own but then again, I was on my own and feeling all alone. Especially after living with a house full of women and sharing most everything. Depression set in deep and thoughts of suicide came to haunt me again. I had attempted suicide once at the shelter through overdose, and as I sat in my little studio, I tried again. Paramedics came and took me to the hospital.  Honestly I don’t believe that I totally wanted to die, I just wanted the pain to stop. 

I moved through this time and decided living alone was not working well for me. Before I left the shelter I had made a connection with another woman my age. She would soon be graduating from the program and we made a plan to get a place together. The next move was in Big Bear Lake right up the street from the hospital and a little closer to town, it was a good move. My roommate and I had already been through alot together. Life in a shelter can be quite interesting. We were both believers trying to find our way. She had gotten involved in a bible study quickly after getting out of the program, knowing she needed the support. She would invite me every week and I would continually tell her no. I wasn’t ready to let the world go at this point.  But, one week I finally  conceded and went. Here is where my life took another turn. Who was co- leading the study but Rob. I had no interest in anything regarding men at this point. But when the study was over I found myself talking with Rob with such an ease that it actually kinda scared me. I have only heard the Lord speak to me audibly once and surprise, it was this night! It was as if He was standing next to me and said so clearly “this is the man you are going to marry.”

 I wasn’t excited. Rob is not the kind of man I would ever pick. He was good. He was nice and He was kind to me. Fast forward roughly a year later and I was eating my own words. We were married February 17th in the former Baptist Church on Big Bear Blvd. I want to share this one piece before moving forward. While I was in shelter in Big Bear I would take a daily walk around the surrounding neighborhoods and I recall one time walking by a home and I could clearly see a family sitting at the table sharing dinner together. I remember thinking “would that scene ever be something for my life?” “Could I ever have a life with a family?”  Something in me longed for it, but really didn’t believe it could ever happen for me.  But God. 

Jeremiah 29:11 says For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord plans to prosper you and not to harm you plans to give you hope and a future. 

This isn’t a story of a girl who got married, had a family and lived happily ever after. I know that life is not that simple. He did pull me out of the muck and mire of a life that I was living. He did place me into a position with my husband and children where I could learn to heal. They gave me a place where I could feel safe, loved and free to grow. 

I have to admit, the earlier years of marriage and family life were difficult. There was so much that would come to the surface and I would busy myself with life to ignore pain, and ignore the healing that needed to continue in my life, but God.  

We say that He is faithful and I realize at times it can sound cliche, but… He is faithful!  But… sometimes it takes looking back to have understanding.  He was working all along.  Using what I allowed him to have access to…and always waiting, and I believe wanting, to do far more than I allowed Him to do. 

2 Peter 3:9 says “The Lord isn’t really slow about his promises, as some people think. No, he is patient for your sake. He does not want anyone to be destroyed, but wants everyone to repent.”  His kindness is revealed in 2 Corinthians 7:16 “For the kind of sorrow God wants us to experience leads us away from sin and results in salvation. There’s no regret for that kind of sorrow. But worldly sorrow, which lacks repentance, results in spiritual death.”  His heart is one of kindness in that He longs for us to find salvation in Him. We come to salvation in a moment. But the rest, learning about His love, growing, overcoming, healing that comes through the process of living our lives with Him. 

When I got pregnant with our second son Zachary, I made the choice to put school on hold, put my career on hold to focus on and homeschool our children.  About five years ago as my life was moving into another season, I found myself asking the question: what is next? Our two eldest were on the verge of launching out on their own. I had made the decision to be done with homeschooling my youngest, the time had come for me to be done. The question hovered: what was my purpose now? 

At the same time as I was wrestling with these big questions and facing new seasons of life… God was stirring my heart. Feelings from the past were beginning to surface once again but in a different way than I had experienced  before. They were becoming more difficult to push aside or push down. Looking back I believe it was God’s way of saying “it’s time Shannon to deal with what is affecting you more than you realize”. 

Over the years the cry of my heart to the Lord was, “help me to have freedom to be who I am.” As well as “Lord, help me to know that joy that you always speak of in your Word.”

 Again looking back I believe that there were many times when He was gently nudging me in that direction but because I would distract myself with life or I was too stuck in my mindset that it would look a certain way.. . I didn't have the ears to hear. Mark 4:22 says “For everything that is hidden will eventually be brought into the open, and every secret will be brought to light. Anyone with ears to hear should listen and understand.”  The point here is that “all that is hidden will come to the surface.”  The question that is posed to us is, “will we do it our own way or will we do it with the Lord?”  Scripture goes on to tell us in Mark 4:24 “pay close attention to what you hear, the closer you listen the more understanding you will be given and you will receive even more. To those who listen to my teaching more understanding will be given. But for those who are not listening, even what little understanding they have will be taken away from them.”  

So again we have a choice and God is calling us to His understanding. His understanding of what? His truth. His truth about what? Who he is, how he loves us and how we are to love one another. 1John 4:16 “We know how much God loves us and we have put our trust in his love. God is love and all who live in love live in God and God lives in them.” 

 It seemed so strange that I had been saved all these years and that I really did not know God’s love for me. I mean I knew it in my mind. I would say that He loved me that he loved others…but something about it didn’t quite feel real. It's like I knew of God but I didn’t really know Him for myself, for my own. And so I began a journey. I started with some personal goals and changes. I was overweight at this point in my life and I was tired of feeling like I wanted to hide all the time. I began an eating plan that worked well for me. And exercise became part of my weekly routine. I also decided to go back to school and see where that would lead. I had never completed my AA so I started there. 

Let me just say that I was so scared going back to school. All the questions and the fears surfaced…could I do it? Would I be able to learn all that I had to learn? I was scared, I went back scared, but… I went back.  I finished my AA and that gave me the confidence to move on to finish my bachelors. I enrolled at Liberty University and 2 years later, I flew to Virginia and walked with my class to receive my bachelors degree.  I had finally settled on a new career plan as a counselor. Completing my degree was a challenge, but Even though these parts carried their challenges they did not compare to the deep inner healing work that I faced over the last four years. 

One of the things that I have learned is that emotional/mental pain carries the same effects as physical pain. These past four years have been filled with a lot of pain.  In order to get healing, I have journeyed back to places I never wanted to visit again. 

The thing with inner healing and going with the Lord is that there is really no formula on how it works, or what the process looks like or how long it will take. There was not ONE thing that I went through that brought healing to my life, it was many things. It was taking a hike on “my trail” and hashing it out with the Lord, it was the hundreds of sermons that I had listened to online, there were specific worship songs I listened to over and over, and conversations I had with friends and family.  I learned, grew and healed through the education I was gaining through school, I was learning how to forgive myself and others, and allowing myself to have more emotions than I have words for.  I couldn’t even give you a specific time when I began to “feel different” All I know to say is that I began to have this feeling of what I would call “freedom”  I was Learning that the goal was not to reach a place of being fixed nor a state of perfection. But more of a place of acceptance that “I am a work in process.”  I know that most people say progress, but there are times when you don’t feel like you are moving forward, you don’t feel like you are “progressing”  but…the whole thing is a process.  Sometimes, not gaining any ground, not getting better for a time even feeling like you have slipped backwards all of that, at times, is part of the process.  

Above everything, I have begun to experience what it means to be loved by the Lord. The greatest lesson that I am still learning that I’m still trying to digest, is that there is nothing, nothing, NOTHING that I can do or, not do, that could change His love for me.  He has given His love freely. 1 John 4:10 says “This is real love-not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as a sacrifice to take away our sins.”  I believe that when we think about the love of God we (without realizing it) try to measure it by our human experiences. But I need to tell you, It has to be an experience we encounter for ourselves, supernaturally, and His love, doesn’t look anything like human love.  It is so far beyond how mere humans love.  There is more grace, more understanding, His love comes with more power to break through and bring healing.  1 Thessalonians 1:5 says that “For when we brought you the Good News, it was not only with words but also with power, for the Holy Spirit gave you full assurance that what we said was true.”  Therefore it is both…His words from the bible along with the power of the Holy Spirit that will bring the revelation that we long for to both our hearts and our minds. Pastor Jeff Tunnell would always say “the longest journey is from the head to the heart.” 

 It has been a long journey from eighteen year old me to grown adult me. It’s been a long journey to use what I have learned over the years to bring me to a place where I am actually beginning to live it out. 

I am becoming who the Lord created me to be. I would be lying if I said it was easy or that I haven’t been scared. It can be scary to be real and just hope that others will accept you as who you truly are. But even if I am not accepted by others. I am, and will always be, accepted forever by my Father in heaven.

So, in many ways, My life has come full circle at this time. I am now working at Doves (the place that gave me my new start in so many ways). My job is Transitional Advocate,which is just a fancy title to say that I help other women with whatever they need to get their feet back on the ground, so they can begin their journey. 

 I feel like in so many ways I am living a second life. And I have an excitement about it deep down inside. It is allowing me to love others better because I am learning how I am loved. My greatest hope and desire in life, now that I have begun to taste the sweetness of His love for me, is that I want for others to really know it as well. I don't think that we will ever fully understand His love for us while we are on this planet. But I do believe that He wants us to continue to grow in knowing it…It brings healing to our hearts and minds and it helps us to better love one another. I think God is all for that since all scripture hangs on John 13:34 “So now I am giving you a new commandment: Love each other. Just as I have loved you, you should love each other.” 

 Let's strive: to know God better, to receive His love for ourselves and to love one another.  

You may be here today wondering about the future, you may feel hopeless and alone.  You may feel stuck or numb and wondering if there is more to life.   I am here as a living testimony of God’s love, faithfulness, care and mercy. Life can be difficult, it is sometimes full of disappointments and even failure.   You may think there is nothing more to hope for….BUT GOD!