newmomblog

[newmomblog]

End of a Marriage?

I feel like I'm coming out of the new born fog at almost 8 months postpartum with a dead marriage.

Yesterday was our 5 year anniversary and I started the day by phoning my husband to apologize for being cranky. What a fail.

I had traveled with our baby solo for the last week and a half visiting family and friends but wanted to be home for our anniversary. I had a 10 hour travel day and was exhausted, over stimulated and just being a general bitch. I wanted to acknowledge that I was wrong and hopefully move forward in a positive direction, apologies are new for me. My husband was receptive of the apology and admitted he had forgotten our anniversary.

I didn't have anything planned but bought some snacks for us and thought we could sit around the fire outside or have a movie night...just spend some time reconnecting with each other after some time apart. But that never happened, hubby came home with a pool thinking it would be a great idea for the heatwave. He then called his buddy over to help set it up. Once that got done he sits around the fire with me for all of 20 minutes before going in the garage to set up his new speakers and I went to bed.

I felt so defeated; how do we not spend our anniversary together, we haven't been on a date night since the baby has been born so I wasn't expecting that but I was expecting some attention maybe an orgasm, something....anything

I'm now spiralling; when did my marriage get so bad? Was it like this before the baby? Do we call it now before we hate each other and aren't capable of coparenting? Why am I jumping to the thought of divorce? Does he feel the same way? Does he feel like I pushed him away and now he's shut me out? How do I talk to him?

I feel like I've missed out on so much of my life with him because I've been focused on our child. How do people balance both?

I'm feeling very insecure and I'm not sure how to move forward. That's a lie. I know I need to talk to him and be vulnerable, but I'm terrified; what if his feelings for me have changed? What if he's shutting me out because he's done with trying?

Wish me luck as I try to get the courage to start the conversation. I'll keep you updated...

[newmomblog]

Solo Parenting

Oh the dreaded solo parenting nights. I know I'm lucky that I have a present partner and I think that's what makes solo parenting such a challenge. We don't have the easiest baby, even though we lie when people ask, and give the "he's amazing" "we're so lucky" polite bullshit, because when you tell the truth people give you an odd look and never know how to reply.

My husband was going for a boys night to a hockey game, and managed to cleverly disguise it as a business trip because he's taking "clients", or guys that deal with him that he likes and wants to go out with is more accurate. When he tells me he's leaving I always go through various emotions. The first is anger; leaving me alone with a challenging baby and 3 dogs, fml. The second resentment; why does he get to leave and I feel like I can't. That one gets me; I want to have the freedom to leave but don't actually want to go anywhere. I miss the days that I could pick up and just leave with no guilt feeling.

At this point I start to spiral; my husband has never had to solo parent, he's never fed solids, never done bath time, never done the bedtime massage, never washed bottles, the list goes on. I usually take all this on willingly and in a very particular order to make it easy for me the next day when I'm alone again and he's gone to work. But it makes me angry that he hasn't done and never even tried to do it. I'm the kind of person that if he did do it and it wasn't my way I would never say anything negative to him and just have an anxiety attack on my own.

I go deeper and deeper into this rabbit hole getting more and more angry at him for not being the primary parent....but the thing is that I don't want him to be. I don't want to be him. I love that I get to spend every day with my little guy and I don't want to give that up for anything, but I do miss my old life at times.

This always brings up another feeling; I don't want to go back to work after maternity leave, but should I be having these feelings if I want to be a stay at home mom. I feel guilty and like if I don't enjoy every minute of motherhood I should be going to work and contributing financially to the household....but I don't really want to.

I go through 2 days of mixed emotions, not wanting to communicate with my husband, trying to piece together my feelings and figure it all out. I'm not sure that I'm there or ever will be, but for now I just need to get through the next couple days of being alone with my babies.

[newmomblog]

One of Those Hard Days

All I want to do is go to sleep and try again tomorrow. I have a sick baby and man do those make days long and hard. Baby received his 4 month vaccines 2 days ago and he's just been feverish since.

My heart breaks for him, I want to make him better, but can't, I want to give him what he needs, but I'm not even sure what that is anymore. At this point I'm pouring from an empty cup, and I don't care what people say, you can absolutely pour from an empty cup, for a long fucking time too.

He's instantly upset when you set him down, he just wants to be cuddled and yeah no duh, I still want that when I'm sick and I'm an adult. I just want this to pass.

I'm also struggling with my husband, he tries, but just doesn't get it sometimes. He got up with our little man the last 2 mornings but the first went to work and the second had the day off so wanted to get things done of his to do list, and yeah, but then I'm just here struggling. He asked me if I was okay tonight and all I could say is "no" with tears in my eyes. His next question was "what can I do to help" but I didn't even have the mental capacity to think of something I needed. Food, bottles washed, a shower, just a fucking second to myself, but why can't I say that in the moment. In the moment I'm blank and all I can do is cry and be angry with him for not being able to read my mind.

I suck at communication; I've really worked on it in the past couple years, and am getting a lot better, but days like this make it apparent I have so much work left to do.

I'm trying, I'll get there, I am a great mom..... Just keep repeating it. Tomorrow is a new day

[newmomblog]

The Beginning

I married my partner in 2019 we knew before that we wanted children, he already had 2 from his first marriage, but we wanted to have kids together. We already knew their names and had a plan for when we wanted to start, so in January 2021 he went for his vasectomy reversal. The surgery went well and his sperm count was great, so when I didn't immediately get pregnant I started to feel like something was wrong with me.

After a year and half of trying it finally happened, I was pregnant! and sick, the morning sickness sucked so much, made me never want to have another child.... the second trimester was better and I started to love my changing body, I really loved the third trimester I felt wonderful (clearly forgetting how tired I always was), I didn't have a lot of pain it was amazing and probably a warning sign looking back.

When my due date came and went it was decided that I needed to be induced. Well, after 30 hours of labor and some struggles, emergency c-section it was. It was awful, I wasn't prepared and it didn't go well. I had a vision of a beautiful birth; skin to skin, my husband staring into my eyes with love, just, a beautiful moment. I still cry to this day thinking about what I missed out on. But I have a baby and I should be happy; right?... Clearly feelings I'm still working through.

I'm now a first time mom with 3 dogs, and a loving husband just trying to raw dog this thing and raise a beautiful, loving, well adjusted, successful child. The days are long, the months seem short, and I just need somewhere to vent and put it out there.

I've always struggled verbalizing my feelings to others and most of the time can't even put words to them for myself so I'm hoping by starting this it will help me explore and understand myself more.