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Just so weird. Funny how u can give them attention a full blown 100%. Sure u don’t meet them as “often” but so do I? also pls give some respect??? I don’t like when ppl touch my stuff. Idc who it is ah. I’ve told countless of times but still??? I kept quiet doesn’t mean I’m ok with it. Just due to out of respect. I kept my mouth shut. I don’t even meet my friends / family as often as u do. Yes I know that ur not stopping me. But look, u have ppl ard u. But who do I have ard me? U can give them full blown attention and no matter what it is u can entertain it. But when it comes to me??? It’s all silence. It’s just scrolling on TikTok. I’m not angry I’m just upset. Upset at the fact that this kind of things I don’t have to repeat. Like I said, if ur busy, ok I understand. But ur not. It’s not so hard to just reply? U have a lot of things to talk abt to them. But when it comes to me? Where is all the conversation? All we had was just silence. U can do to me but I can’t do that to u. That’s not fair. Whenever I hang out with my friends / family, I replied promptly. So why is it so hard for u to do the same? I don’t need to teach this kind of things. And also I BARELY hang out with my friends. But really??? This past few months has just been abt them. There’s no us time. Ok I understand that ur bored at home and wanna hang out and all. But like I said, where’s the time that we even talked properly? Whenever there’s tea or gossip u will talk to ur friends for hours and hours. But when it comes to me? Where is all of that? U used to do that. U used to prioritised me. I’m just upset. I just felt neglected. There’s no point of talking abt it anyways. It’s gonna be my fault. So why bother?

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I just hate being left out. I felt neglected. It’s not fair when ppl can do it to me but I have no say for it. No matter what it is, it’s always gonna be my fault. And that’s just so unfair. Hearing me out and making a diff out of it is a total diff thing. Ntg is going to change and like I said, it’s still gonna be back to my fault. Wtv.

[nfndhrh]

I hate my insecurities to the max. I hate how my brain works. I hate the way I think. But I have no say for it. Is it so hard to just update me things thats going on? I get that u wanna have fun and all. I understand. But atleast update me. I’ve said it before alr and I dont wanna fight. Ur on ur phone most of the time. So why? Why cant u just update? Up till I had to tweet smtg and you’ll reply? Im not gonna do that anymore. Im upset, yeah. But I cant do anything abt it alr. Its not so hard to just tell me wherever ur going am I right to say so? I’ll get so worried abt the smallest things and my head tends to think alot when im not ard u. But fuck it ah. I cant say anything else.

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Im sorry. Things in my head were taking over me alot these days. I hate that part of me. Im sorry if I ever made u feel a certain way. I love u way too much. I swear, u are the best thing that has ever happened to me. And im glad that I met u. U are literally my everything. Thanks you for being by my side. I love you.

[nfndhrh]

I feel like im not good enough for u. Look at ur past, ur were having so much fun. Seeing the post made me feel like an outcast. It hurt me on a certain degree. Idky but it just felt as if ur not having as much fun as u were back then. And when its with me, everything is abt adult hood. Like I understand that. But also a part of me still wanna have fun too. Like the amount of time that we spend is lesser just bc of work. It hurts me everytime when u bring it up. But I would just keep it in. And u went on it every single day without fail. How am I suppose to feel. I’ll get pissed. But I know its the past and I cant fucking change that shit. But also, I didnt bring up any of my ex until u did. And u would talk abt it most of the time. And when u reminisce back ur videos and all and all I see is his face. I felt weird. I felt angry. I felt sad. Idk wtf am I suppose to feel. And I would just sleep it off. Bc I know that it meant smtg alot to u. And it could never be replaced….

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Just came back from pm shift and istg I feel like bursting out. Holding my tears so hard in the public train. Alot if shits are in my head and thats fking fucked up. I hate how it works. Fking emotions hits me hard. Why does small little things affects me alot? My emotions arent valid. Hated how this felt. Its my fault. Its just me. Fking hate how overthinking works. Been feeling so stressed out. Just for ntg. I have no issues at all and then bam 💥 it came right in my face. Really hate how my mind works. Its not u. Its me. Just me ….

[nfndhrh]

I really do be hating myself sometimes. Like, fuck .. why do these thoughts keep running through my head? I know for a fact that its not gonna happened but it haunts me. What if it bounds to happen? Why am I so afraid of it? Why does it annoys me so much? My mind is in a fking mess everything single time when its been brought up. Felt so weak knowing how things were. But I know that its not the way it is. Kept fighting logic and emotions at the same time. And its going fking nowhere.

“Dont let insecurities haunt you down”

Live by that quote but it still haunts me. Its so hard. It really is. Im trying my best to not show it just because I dont wanna make unrealistic things into a big problem. Just because of my stupid ass mind, things are gonna go down. Just because im insecure abt it, im gonna make a big deal out of it. No. Im not that selfish. It sucks knowing that you have to deal with this on ur own and keep up a good reputation about urself that everyone expect out of you. Its hard. Its fucking hard. I dont wanna burden anyone at all. I gotta fight this on my own. Its my mind that always wonders around just because of my own insecurities / trauma.

[nfndhrh]

Fml .. I wish that I have my car license now .. like fml .. its so god damn bored to just stay put and do fucking nothing. Like, atleast when im bored, the least I could do is just drive ard at night.

[nfndhrh]

Its so weird that sometimes I just feel too much. And sometimes I just don’t feel anything at all. That fucking scares me. I hate how my head is in a mess and it makes me emotionless. I hate my birthday. I really do. It brings me back all those memories that I don’t wanna remember. The trauma that I had, no one knew. The ones that is close to me, I love u. I really love u. But aside from that, I just don’t wanna see anyone else in this world. I cant cope with the heavy load thats on me. That wtv shitty things y’all did, I have to carry it. Its fking tiring. Cmon, im not the only human being am I? Be fair , please … I feel bad that every time when my head starts to play with my emotions, I tend to fake my shits. I tend to get very angry. I tend to have lots of arguments. But I have to push all of that ego aside bc the person that im with doesn’t deserve to be mistreated. She did nothing to deserve that crappy side of me just bc of my own issues. Im fighting every day coz I wanna forget it. But it haunts me back. The more I tryna avoid it, the more it came back .. it sucks .. I barely slept .. my body hurts .. my mind is tired .. but wtv it is, all this struggle, im glad im still alive. You make me stay alive. Thank you. You know who u are. Im glad im sleeping right next to u instead of the others. Thank u lil one. I love u. - 🌮 <- (you)

[nfndhrh]

With all due respect, I hate my emotions sometimes. They’ll take over my brain in no time and my heart would just listen to it. Like fml .. I hate this heavy feeling. Help me get rid of it pls.

[nfndhrh]

Was so dead back in those years .. but now, I found my soulmate. She makes me happy. I was the girl who doesnt like to socialise. I hate being touch. I hate being so used to ppl controlling me. But fml she made things better for me. She understands me. She make me feel home. Even my own family members dont do that. All these years, I felt so alone. I was being used. I felt tortured. But not right now. She changes everything. And I love her so much .. she didnt make me feel outcast like how everyone did. Theres ups and downs in things. And future wise. But what I know is for sure that I’ll never regret having her in my life. Shes my num 1. Shes impt to me. And istg I’ve never felt this much for a person. I didnt know what love was untill I met her. Thank you for existing in my life. I love you.

[nfndhrh]

Its better to know the truth than the lies. But its better to tell you face to face than finding it out from others.

[nfndhrh]

Feelings

Tried so hard to be the one for you. But I end up tumbling down watching you with another.

What do you think that made me feel like? I feel like you used me. I hate that and you at the same time.

Im more confuse now then ever. I dont know what I should do anymore. Man that sucks.

Thinking while hearing this song hits me hard because its true. And the feels, are still present up till today.

[nfndhrh]

Oceano (2017) dir. Renato Duque

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““I opened my mouth, almost said something. Almost. The rest of my life might have turned out differently if I had. But I didn’t.””

— Khaled Hosseini, The Kite Runner (via amargedom)

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Lmao I can’t stop laughing