nmoerby-blog

[nmoerby-blog]

I find solace in breathing. Even though everything is meaningless, the self is an illusion, and freewill doesn't exist, these few breaths of conscious experience I have is all I'll ever have to experience life. It gives me a reason, meaning maybe, to observe how this being, this clump of atoms, "me", can have a conscious experience of the universe; the universe reflecting upon itself. At the end I'm just an observer to my mind.

Unhealthy Patterns

The dissociative thinking is unhealthy, I’m very out of touch with the physical world and my connection to it. I’ve become spiritually dead with no soul, even though there’s a part of my that refuses to believe that I have a soul, there’s another part that thinks I need to live in this world with some form of identity in order to function. I need to see a therapist and talk about how I don’t feel like I exist, how I don’t feel real. Maybe its because I’m not creating art, maybe its because I’m not doing anything meaningful right now. I don’t know what it is. I’m kind of worried about myself, and I’m kind of not. I’m kind of in some limbo, I feel very nihilistic and apathetic. Everything feels predetermined, its like what’s the point. I can keep existing, but the self does not exist. There is no me doing the action. There is just action. I’ve become lost in this mental loop. This nihilistic loop. I feel like I need an emotional trigger like stress or a creativity or crying, I’m so repressed. I don’t know if experiencing these emotions are really going to help me, I’m very skeptical that being emotional and vulnerable is going to achieve anything. I’ve become very numb and stoic. I do not care. There is no purpose in life. Everything is meaningless. We are all just atoms moving around.

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kneel

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nerve

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tramp

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Hostility

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relax

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observe

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language

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delivery

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punish

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actor

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acoustics

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parcel

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division

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gun

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receptive

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dwarfness