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nnyuu2 · 11 months ago

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I'm halfway through the Am I Broken: Survivor Stories episode titled Claire "I ignored It and I Believed Him Because He's A Storyteller [Neil Gaiman]". I'm going to try avoid editorialising as much as I can and instead provide details from the podcast for those seeking them.

This is going to be a long post.

CW: details of sexual coercion, gaslighting, power dynamic imbalance, sexual assault, trauma, ptsd, sexual predator behaviour, grooming, abuse of power

First of all, I want to say I really, really urge you to listen to the episode, found on Apple and Spotify. This is Claire (a pseudonym) being able to tell her story and trying to reclaim it from Neil Gaiman. I also personally feel like Claire comes across as having incredible grace and strength, and her story should be heard. The host, Papillon DeBoer, is respectful and supportive, as well as being a certified and licensed mental health counsellor. They mention at the start of the podcast that they specialise in supporting people who've experienced sexual trauma. This is apparent throughout with the care taken towards Claire.

I saw the new allegations thanks to this post

Once again, if you can, please listen to Claire's story. However, the reason I'm writing up details is I'm aware that not everyone may feel able to listen to what is an upsetting and potentially triggering episode. I'll try my best to list details below the cut. There is also a short overview immediately below the cut if you want to avoid specific details that then follow

For those who want a summary of the allegations rather than the more detailed notes below:

Gaiman met a fan at a book signing in 2012. Claire was 22 at the time. What followed was a series of incidents of grooming, sexual assault, victim-blaming and gaslighting. Claire's experience was that Gaiman not only crossed boundaries but also relied on the imbalance of power dynamics between him and a fan to try and sexually coerce her

Background to the podcast and Gaiman acknowledging fault

- Claire originally approached the host in 2022. She has tried to share her story in 2019 with journalists, but they said it wasn't enough to establish a pattern of behaviour

- She experienced a lot of self-blame, so the journalists' responses reinforced that idea

- DeBoer gives Claire support, validating her feelings, affirming that the journalists' behaviour was poor and horrifying

- Claire explained she had been spurred by the recent allegations, wanting to show solidarity with K and Scarlett. She adds that she came to this podcast as she felt the host supports survivors and gives them a space to tell their story

- Her experience was in 2012. She expresses that she wishes she had come forward earlier, but felt alone

- Claire didn't have the capacity to go through with it in 2022. It was also because at this time she sent Gaiman a letter about her experience with him. This was to help her with her healing. The last contact they'd had before this was in 2014. She received an email from Gaiman, after which they set up a call. During the call, he seemed to be genuinely apologetic and regretful of his actions. He also gave her the impression she was the only person he had ever done this to.

- Claire said that Gaiman stated he had no idea about there being a problem, that he wanted to learn, and seemed to be genuinely apologetic. He asked what he could do to help - she suggested he support a rape crisis centre and he sent them a hefty donation

- She says that she thought she was prepared but felt "caught off-guard" by his seeming sincerity

- He initially tried to say she kissed him first, but she corrected him, saying he kissed her first, after only knowing her for 10 minutes

- He stated that he had difficulty reading body language because of his autism diagnosis. However, she called him out on this, saying that continuing to grope an intoxicated fan is not about miscommunication/misunderstanding

- At the end of the call, she came away feeling like he wasn't a predator. He had already convinced her that it had never happened before and wouldn't again

- At one point, she expresses that she knows it wasn't her fault, though there is a trace of hesitance. DeBoer immediately responds, "Yes, it wasn't your fault."

- She says that he told her this was the first time he had ever done this with a fan, which after the recent Tortoise Media podcast she now knows was a lie

- Claire heard the recent allegations and had to take time to process, then decided to come forward with the podcast again

- She describes him at one point as a storyteller, then stops herself and says, "Liar is a lot more accurate"

- She also describes feeling in awe of him (a "hypnotic" pull), having grown up loving his work since she was a child

Therapy session recording, including details of sexual coercion and assault

- Claire met Gaiman at a book signing when she was 22. It was during his time touring with The Moth podcast. She describes feeling uneasiness from their 1st interaction - she was already in a loving and committed relationship, and didn't feel sexually or emotionally attracted to Gaiman

- She mentions the "lightning bolt moment" was hearing her talking about what happened in her therapy session recordings. Claire says it was like hearing her story for the first time and not his (Gaiman's)

- A recording of her session is played, with DeBoer stating it is being shared with the therapist's knowledge and permission

- In the recording, Claire is talking with her therapist about how she feels "fucked up", going back and forth on finding it hard to categorise Gaiman's behaviour as rape

- Claire says that meeting him at a book signing felt like "a dream come true". He signed her poster and they got to talking

- They continued talking after the signing. She congratulated him on his marriage to Amanda Palmer. She says she's not sure how it turned into this but he began to reenact the wedding ceremony

- At this point, he put his hand on her hips then kissed her on the cheek. Claire says she felt overwhelmed by the fact he was touching her

- Gaiman invited her to the next stop on the tour and went with a friend to the after-party. Claire says she "drank a lot" during the event, that she was intoxicated

- Gaiman he took her to the laundry room and told her this story he was going to perform on the next stop, telling her she would be the first to hear it

- After this, Gaiman said that Amanda had apparently told him to "come out of his British shell" and could he take a photo of him kissing her on the cheek (I believe to show Amanda), describing it as "a pretend kiss". Claire agreed

- Following the party, someone drives Claire back to her car. There's not a lot of space, so she ends up sat on Gaiman's lap. She says had an erection and he was touching her a lot, reaching up into her dress. She describes this as feeling "really gross" but "it was also really great because I was with Neil Gaiman", signalling the fact she felt in awe of him still

- When they arrived at the car, he asked her friend to drive him back to his hotel. In the lobby, he asked her friend for a few minutes with Claire to talk

- Claire then says he pressed her up against the wall kissed her. She again describes this as unpleasant

- They parted and he sent her a long email saying how he'd never done this before, that he liked her and wanted to keep in touch with her

- At this point they started exchanging emails and he would skype her. Claire again describes this as feeling "unreal" during their 10 months of communicating

- His messages were "always really sweet" but there was always something sexual in the messages

- Claire says she responded to him saying things like she couldn't wait to see him etc but that she didn't mean any of it. She says the reason she said it anyway was that she didn't want him to stop talking to her

- At one point, he asked for a topless photo and she sent one of her stomach

- Claire's work revolves around rape crisis support and, at one point, Gaiman suggested he talk to Tori Amos about a job (as she was heavily involved in rape crisis support)

- During this time, he also sent her manuscripts and stories that hasn't been published yet. He also invited her to his home and his library, and it's implied this was something she would have loved to do because it's an incredible library

- Claire states that one time he skyped her and he was naked. She says it wasn't sexual; he was changing for something

- At first, she didn't tell him he had a boyfriend, then she did after about a month. She describes him as sounding relieved and told her to let her boyfriend know he wasn't a threat

- All this time, Claire says everything felt kind of wrong, but she seemed to adore Gaiman and it sounds like she was overwhelmed by the attention he was paying to her

- There's mention of him inviting her to join him on another tour, this time promoting The Ocean at the End of the Lane. He invited her with a VIP pass

- Claire says they had phone sex a couple of months later after this offer of an invitation. She had told him she couldn't sleep after a distressing incident at her job working in rape crisis (I believe I have understood that correctly)

- He suggested he call her, during which he said "some really gross stuff". One example is that he said he'd "Do it until it almost hurt because he's really big". At several points, Claire makes disgusted/gagging sounds as she recalls this. She says she just listened, at which point her therapist says, "so he had phone sex" and Claire agrees she did not participate.

- Following this call, Claire didn't want to go visit him as she was worried Gaiman would pressure her into sex.

- She told him before the visit that she didn't want to have sex. Gaiman tried to reassure her he wouldn't do this and said he regretted things had become sexual.

- Claire decided to go to the tour stop in Nashville. Her friend backed out at the last minute, but she felt she still needed to go as she was the driver and "two other girls" were relying upon her to get them there. She describes feeling "freaked out" the whole time

- After the opening act but before he went out on stage, Gaiman started making out with her and groped her butt

- Following his appearance, he said he wanted them all to come to his tourbus. Claire says she went around the back and she was crying, telling the two girls she was with that she was scared

- They agreed on a hand signal in case she wanted to leave. At this point in the recording, Claire begins sobbing

- The girls agreed to help her get out if needed. Claire says they had been drinking, and in the tourbus they were drinking whiskey. At one point, Gaiman asked her to sit on his lap, which she does

- He starts to lead her to the back of the bus. Claire then made the hand signal - she begins crying again because she says the girls didn't do anything, possibly because they were too drunk or had forgotten

- At the back of the tourbus was a bed. Claire recalls lying on top of it, with Gaiman on top of her as he starts kissing her

- Claire describes him trying to touch her beneath her dress and she kept moving his hands away. He kept saying "kiss me like you mean it"

- At some point, Claire says he realised she wasn't going to have sex with him and "flopped off [her]". She kept trying to pretend everything was OK as didn't want to lose contact

- Gaiman then says something she says sounds like it's come from a book of sexual predator language, telling her, "I'm a very wealthy man and I'm used to getting what I want. I'm really sad because I think I'm going to have to let you go." She says she found that wording very strange

- She doesn't recall how she left, but she ended up with the two girls back at the hotel. They were asleep as she began crying, contacting someone to tell them she thought she had been sexually assaulted

- Upon going back home, she received a text from Gaiman checking she had made it back OK. She did not respond or talk to him for a while

- Gaiman kept trying to reach out, sending her emails on her birthday. She and her partner moved to a new address.

- Some time after this, he texted her, saying he was going through his phone contacts and deleting anyone he hasn't spoken with in a while. He said he wanted to see if they were still friends. Gaiman says he felt used, like she had just wanted to have sex with him

- Claire says that even after everything, she was relieved he wasn't mad about it. After this conversation, he emailed her once or twice more

Debrief following the recording

- DeBoer mentions the power imbalance and abuse of power by famous people

- Claire says that he said "kiss me like you mean it, like you'll never see me again" because he knew the power this would hold over her, that maybe it would be enough to get her to have sex

- She has saved his emails and messages and, looking back through then, she can see many abuser tactics including gaslighting and DARVO

- Gaiman had tried to blame her, saying that her "indecision" had caused everyone else stress, and he felt like she just wanted to have sex with him. He said that, during the tourbus incident, all he had really wanted to do at that point was to sleep, which both Claire and her therapist at the time had rubbished

- Gaiman called Nashville an "apotheosis of miscommunication". Claire drew upon the other meaning of apotheosis as relating to deification, saying that it was true in a sense because "his fandom have elevated him to a god-like status". She then discusses feelings of betrayal at these two very different people Gaiman turned out to be

- She feels guilt for not coming forward because she heard Scarlett googling Neil Gaiman sexual assault and finding nothing - she says that if she had gone public sooner, Scarlett might have seen her story

- However, Claire acknowledges that this is [Gaiman's] voice, telling her she's the one who had control

- Part of the difficulty she had in coming forward was that she was fixated on "this isn't rape" because she didn't see her experience fitting into these categories. He had also convinced her that she hasn't actually been hurt, but she still continued to experience trauma dreams

OK, I need to pause there because I've written a lot and I'm only halfway through the podcast. If I can, I'm going to try to listen to the second half tomorrow and update.

EDIT: because I get hyperfocused on things, here's the 2nd part of the podcast details

#neil gaiman #tw sa #neil gaiman allegations

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