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nocoffinplease · 4 years

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10.29

what i want to do in the next five years (regardless of stay-leave choice):

learn more HTML/CSS/Java, maybe attend a coding bootcamp

stay at ashley furniture as long as i can to rack up experience

remain in florida/tampa to save money, be near family

regain russian fluency

visualizing five years later if i leave:

a place of my own in town or near town (st. pete area), decorated and cleaned to my satisfaction, all bills and rent in my name

a pantry and fridge stocked with my favorite foods and ingredients, treats included, because i make my own grocery lists

a dog greeting me at the door

an open-ended career path with many possible relocation options

a consistent sleep schedule and ability to plan days and weekends freely

any friend can come over whenever i want

i can watch any media whenever i want

spending choices entirely my own not up to scrutiny

visualizing five years later if i stay:

a place, likely rented if in tampa, with lennon, chosen together within both of our budgets, rent and bills split, division of labor split and subject to his approval and standards

if lennon doesn’t change, a grocery list made jointly with his input and judgment

if lennon doesn’t change, no dog, as lennon doesn’t want spontaneity impeded upon

career trajectory affected somewhat by lennon’s choices; if he takes the electrician route, depending on when he’s accepted, we could be in one place for a while or may have to relocate based on job availability

if lennon takes the electrician route, hours might be erratic as jobsites and job locations change; quality time would be somewhat beholden to his schedule and availability

if lennon doesn’t change, i would still not be compelled to invite friends over that aren’t also his friends, as he has many negative things to say about my friends

i either watch media alone or with him if it suits his tastes

if lennon doesn’t change, my spending choices and payback turnaround times would be scrutinized, with me likely footing a larger portion of the bill as i outearn him, and going halfsies on stuff he would like more than me (i.e. PS5)

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nocoffinplease · 4 years

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10.15

trust, to me, is the confidence in a loved one to not act in a way that would lead me to doubt the future we were building together, not simply "don't do bad things," but to actively cultivate and build a sense of safety in the relationship and a major disparity at play here is that my first question when presented with a scenario i could act on is "why should i?" and lennon's is "why SHOULDN'T i?" and even when presented with appropriate answers to "why shouldn't i," the ultimate conclusion that sometimes arises is "i don't really care" (he didn't care about cancelling his birthday, he didn't care about going to work with a coworker as a confirmed positive, he didn't care about getting a stable career).

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nocoffinplease · 4 years

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10.14

i firmly believe in and want my relationship(s) to be fueled by compassion first. wife, to me, means the person who is put first in a partnership, even a nonmonogamous one, and as such, a wife should feel cherished, considered, and chosen in a relationship. if a problem my partner is facing that could potentially affect me arises, i want it to be discussed with me so our concerns are understood and an agreed-upon plan can be made. i want my partner to have life experiences and company and fun outside of me, but i want to be thought about throughout and, should the fun impact our regular routine, be informed of it in a timely way so i can plan. it’s not that i think lennon’s “trust me” approach is bad or wrong for him to hold, but it’s always been an uphill battle to “just trust” someone when i’ve had many bad experiences having my trust violated.

speaking of, and it’s hard to say, but there are some ways in which i don’t trust lennon (and i’m sure he feels the same way about me, as i’ve not been the most stable or emotionally regulated partner all the time). i don’t trust him to use kind language or speak in a way that fosters an equal exchange of ideas and feelings when there’s a problem; it’s hard for me to express myself and my needs when i know this is a person who has said that they hate me, the sound of my crying makes him want to hang himself, that i have sex exclusively with unattractive men, and resorts to passive aggression, and condescending language to make a point or get what he wants. i understand saying things you don’t mean in moments of despair and anger, but the times and ways in which he has weaponized anger against me has created a massive mental block for me where i am afraid of what he might say if i express a dissenting opinion. he has also casually lashed out at me in public and in front of my friends in ways that were hurtful and very embarrassing. an incident at a nightclub from 2018 still stands out in my best friend’s mind and has permanently tainted the way she sees lennon and our relationship. even if he claims he didn’t mean it because he was drunk, it’s hard to not internalize these remarks, especially if he shows the remarks to be subtly true through behavior and casual remarks, like judging the appearances and attitudes of my partners, asking to see their photos and going “eh he’s okay” or “they’re ugly-hot” for example. i sometimes find it difficult to relax around lennon or be fully myself, because i fear inconveniencing him and negative judgment, so i tend to overly-apologize or ask if things are okay a lot in anticipation of that. in general, he can be extremely negative about people, media, and things he doesn’t like, and it affects the things i choose to share with him, whether it’s a movie or a band or a game or what i watch on TV as he gets home from work. i’ve been privy to conversations in which he has asked how anyone can love or enjoy something that i or close friends truly enjoy, eviscerating the media and the people who consume it, but then qualify that it’s “not about you guys” and that we don’t need to take it so personally. it’s hard operating under that level of judgment, and i think there’s a difference between being constructively critical, having a friendly debate, or simply saying “eh, not for me,” versus getting “viscerally mad” when he sees someone’s art project and thinking “they could have spent their time so much better,” and occasionally the intensity with which he declares his disagreement is overwhelming to me. i love when people are passionate about their interests and ideas, but when they are punctuated by negativity, it’s hard to listen and share in the idea, and this happens with lennon quite a bit. his interests get shared and indulged in, but mine don’t as often. as a result, my self esteem is pretty low, and i keep to myself more often than not.

i don’t trust the way he speaks about me when i’m not around, in part because of what i’ve been told by other people and in part because of how i’ve heard him speak about other people he ostensibly loves in front of me. recently he popped into my room to tell me that two things he likes about me are my enjoyment of horror movies “because shanti is a big pussy baby about them,” and that “shanti is tone deaf but [i] can hold a tune.” it didn’t lift my spirits to be complimented as a conditional to someone else that i care about being put down. this, in addition to the “helen is like a really nice sedan” remark has made me wonder in what other ways i’ve maybe been put down too. i completely understand venting about a partner's imperfections and shortcomings to a safe space, but it just bothers me to know that i’ve been spoken about in ways that have made several people uncomfortable to interact with me and participate in our polyamory dynamic.

i don’t feel like i can trust him to go through with big commitments for our future. at some point, lennon decided that he was not going to pursue a job in engineering or a job that at least had the potential for stability and upward mobility adjacent to his field. this, in addition to returning to college and graduating was a huge condition when it came to my parents letting him live with me on their property, very cheaply. though there wasn’t anything binding, i (and my family) was led to believe that he would follow the agreed upon trajectory of “go back to school, get a degree in something, start a career.” i offered to do his resume before he graduated and he didn’t give me feedback on it or work with me to get it completed. i asked him about getting a 9-5 after he requested 6 months to take a break, and he told me and my family to stop bothering him, he didn’t want to get back on adderall which he said he’d need for an office job, and i respected that. when he proposed to me late last year, he said afterwards that he was going to seek out a more stable job and move on from the restaurant, and get back on adderall with the help of my insurance benefits. the pandemic happened, which i completely understand has thrown off the economy and our day-to-day life, but he had time across the last two years to start the process of jobseeking and planning for our long-term future, and he has not actively pursued a job that could keep him, and i, safer during the pandemic. the electrician apprenticeship was decided across the last couple of months, and though i genuinely respect trades and the pursuit of them, this wasn’t a longtime idea he had put on the backburner and is revisiting: it feels like another pitstop on the road towards a thriving future, wherein he’ll take a paycut and have to get ANOTHER four year education. again, i had no idea that lennon, at some point in our relationship, did not want an office job, but instead of broaching that to me, he made me feel bad for nagging, so i stopped. even after our session last week, when things were pretty intense at home, he asked if “[i] wanna do my resume” to apply and look for more safe gigs, and when i asked if he actually wanted to, he said no way, but he wanted to put in the effort for me. i appreciate that effort, but at the same time, if the effort is only being put in after i express massive dissatisfaction and it’s not what my husband genuinely wants to do but is doing *for me* instead, i feel guilty and like the effort is compensatory instead of one truly desired. i’ve taken on jobs that weren’t my favorite or were extremely hard, but i did it for the sake of building my own experience and legitimacy in my career, because i was thinking about the future, OUR future, and what comes next. lennon vehemently rejects that the spontaneous “anything goes” lifestyle he enjoys so much isn’t powered by my stability and responsibility, at least in part, but i genuinely believe otherwise, and i don’t think this notion is appreciated at all.

lennon is very kind most of the time, but on occasion, he will speak to me in ways that feel manipulative. this is a little different from my first paragraph in that i don’t think he means to do it, but it affects my ability to be honest and make choices that are right for me. after solo therapy sessions he asked me how it went, to which i responded, “it was good but intense, and of course i still love you” because once he asked me, jokingly after a session, if i still loved him. he asked, “do you still want to be with me?” and i answered truthfully, which is that i do, but i’m also currently figuring out important things about myself, and that ideally those things line up. he said “okay” in a kind of passive-aggressive and dissatisfied way, and when i pressed further he was like “that doesn’t do anything to reassure me.” he has repeatedly said that if “anyone would be leaving, it’d be [me],” and that if i did, he’d be “really in the lurch.” he told me last week that “[he] WAS happy in our relationship [before all this], and if he wasn’t it was a reaction to my dissatisfaction.” he has implied that my family and platonic loved ones are “unknowingly proselytizing for the only way they've ever known to keep relationships together, but [he] emphatically reject[s] that perspective” when it comes to me seeking advice and input from the outside. i know i’m trying to do better to not solely triangulate with other people to form my thoughts and feelings, this is the most honest and me account i’ve given about my feelings so far, but the tone of that is concerning. a lot of things are.

i genuinely DON’T know what’s next. lennon could quit the restaurant, get that stable gig, begin prioritizing me more, and adjust his negative mindsets to positive ones, which would be great. but if by doing that, would he be going against his own values, vision, personality and goals? nobody has improved themselves quicker or more efficiently with someone tapping a metaphorical watch, but how long CAN i wait? are these things even guaranteed? would he be okay with a more hierarchal polyamorous relationship? i don’t know. but i know that i’m at least trying to put my values, my fears, my wants, and my self out there as best as possible. i genuinely love lennon very much, there are a lot of things i love about him, but above all, i want him and i to be maximally happy in life without holding ourselves, or each other, back.

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nocoffinplease · 4 years

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10.8

pros of staying with lennon:

continuing to live in the affectionate world we know so well (secret words, sounds, in jokes, etc.)

already compatible housemates (acclimated to being around each other, habits, quirks, similar interests, etc.)

no upheaval of life or paperwork to file (looking for a place, recalibrating bills, divying stuff, etc.)

general comfortability and familiarity; we raised one another and know each other better than anyone

pros of moving on:

opportunity to explore queer sexuality and trans identity more openly rather than back it into an existing cishet relationship

can pick and choose where to move and live in the future (and find a partner already in alignment with those things)

living alone would provide greater control of my environment and allow me to get in touch with myself better (have never lived alone as an adult)

freedom to grow at own pace

what i would like to talk about in therapy:

i’ve come to recognize more and more that i need and want to feel special in the realm of a relationship. i know that one person will not fulfill my every need, but i don’t want to have all of my needs met through a series of shallow relationships that each serve a purpose. in my current marriage i don’t feel special, or at least not more special than a roommate. i want someone i can fall asleep with and next to at the same time instead of staying up very late or at odd hours. i want to feel immediately considered when something comes up that could affect my health, my time, our resources, etc. i want to feel like a future is being built for BOTH of us to move onward and upward, not just one person while another lags behind.

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nocoffinplease · 4 years

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9.29

i feel like fucking shit i really truly just wish i could quietly opt out of life, i will never be able to get what i want, what i want is stupid, and i’m a broken person

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nocoffinplease · 4 years

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9.17

what are my goals in life? what do i want out of life?

when i think of my future, it’s like looking at an impressionist painting: there is definitely an idea there, but the details are a bit blurred. sad but true: ten years ago i didn’t even know if i’d see the age of 28. i never thought i’d get this far! fortunately i've had to learn at least “what i do and don’t want and who i am and who i’m not” as a result of having no clear path for so long, and that’s a start.

i’m a person who has really grown to love predictability. i don’t mind acting on impulse and i super love having fun spontaneously, but in general i work so much better when i have a clear idea of what my day, week and month has planned for me. it’s why having service jobs was so stressful for me. i had no idea what a given week would look like until the previous week was almost over, and i loved making plans to see a friend, see my family, take a class, go to a show, go to the club, and so on. when i think of a plan, i begin to allot the mental space for it even before i ask the friend to accompany me or check for conflicts. if i like where and how that space is being filled, then i make it a point to turn it into a routine. first friday castle nights, melee dojo monday, sunday dinner, weekend visits with my ex. wake up at 8:30 basically every day, go to bed before midnight basically every day. log in at 8:45, log off at 4:45. before the pandemic it was even easier, because i had to be at an office, yoga classes to attend, tickets and reservations to events, but now that time is pretty altered, i still make it a point to adhere to a routine for my sanity. when my routine or a plan or even the expectation of a plan is interrupted, i am flexible and take time to adjust my expectations, but i like being as informed as soon as that happens. naturally, i won’t be able to control when i know anything all the time, but if it’s within another party’s power and ability to let me know about a shift in plans, i appreciate it, and i try (and want to try more) to do the same in return. it’s important for me to be seen as reliable, and having a plan and the foresight to inform people of it as you understand the plan changing is something i want to be very good at someday.

when it comes to my career i have pivoted pretty hard from total workaholic careerist with managerial and directorial goals in mind, to a worker who just appreciates having a thriving wage, a stimulating job, work-life balance, and guidance from management and coworkers. this is, of course, subject to change just like my previous ambitions, but a lot of my workaholic tendencies were rooted in impostor syndrome and a feeling of insecurity at not having a formal education in my field, compensating instead with finding as much (paid and unpaid) real world experience as possible. six years into being a professional designer with a pivot from a creative design to UX career, i’m feeling much more sure of myself in terms of my ability to find a job anywhere. right now i’d like to keep at my current company for as long as i can, because my team’s dynamic is very friendly and fun, and i appreciate the mentorship i get from them and exploring program tutorials in my spare time. eventually, probably in my early 30s, i’d want to probably move out of florida, but for right now, i’m enjoying the start of a second year at a very stable gig, something i’ve never had before (solely due to layoffs and working conditions that made the one job i voluntarily quit too taxing on me mentally). this is the longest i’ve ever been at a job, and i don’t want that to be seen as complacency or fatuous devotion, but just whatever the white collar equivalent of shore leave is; instead of the routine being “me on the move trying to accrue knowledge and experience to be ready for the next big thing that sucks less to pop up” it’s now “me taking time in a well-cared-for department to hone my skills and adjust to not being on the hunt so much.” especially now that my raise is in effect and i’m good to keep working from home. i’m not-NOT thinking about what’s next, but i’m doing it in a more holistic way instead of an urgent one.

i don’t want or need a particularly flashy or lavish life; i love a good indulgence like a nice dinner or a vacation or a couple of “treat” purchases, but, much like in my career ambitions where i don’t give a fuck if i’m “the boss” or “the creative genius” or whatever, i don’t need the biggest coolest house in the most fun neighborhood with the dopest car and the nicest lawn to be happy in my home and in my free time. i’m not even all the way sure what sort of home and neighborhood i want, whether it’s urban like i am now (house in city limits close to downtown, nightlife, bars etc.) or kind of rural (not a farm but think like, secluded house on big lot), but i know i want this: to be near different outlets of fun accessible by car or public transport, whether that’s a nearby cool city or a variety of natural wonders and environments, not too far in, not too far out, not too expensive, and not too far from my family. i like using my free time to learn and relax; i’m not too much of a TV or program binger except at dinnertime but i like browsing online, reading, and taking time to do new, fun things. i want to keep having the means to take fun classes on weekends like sign painting or letterpress, go to the zoo or aquarium, get a drink at a cute bar or dance or go to a show, go to the beach or the woods, have the means to get an idea, plan it out, and just do it. so much of what drives me, personally, is a desire to learn and do and explore, especially to learn. any skill, through any opportunity, if it’s related to anything interesting, i’ll take the time to learn it. this is so important to me. i think it’s what i want most out of life, to keep growing and learning forever, as much as possible, not to run away from my present self, but to enrich my brain with the knowledge and art and sights it craves.

overall, i’m a complicated, but steadfast person who is learning how to live for joy instead of making sacrifices at every turn out of fear. i’m an aesthete and i draw inspiration from my surroundings, on a big and small scale. i take comfort in the familiar and am delighted by the new. i like feeling safe and i do what i can to avoid feeling unsafe, but not so much that i miss out on things that are fun. i enjoy simple pleasures. i value downtime and relaxation. i crave routine and ritual. i’m extremely dependable. i’m self aware. i’m prone to periods of withdrawal but i bounce out from them when i remember that i’m loved for who i am by many people who like my company. i love being challenged by art, by a task, by a recipe, by a book, by anything. i love discussion and occasionally being a hater but i don’t like feeling shut down or insulted for my tastes, attitude and knowledge set. i like being acknowledged for my contributions and my positive traits and hearing constructive and honest feedback about the negative. out of life, i want to maintain that pleasant, sunny growth i’ve been feeling over the last couple of years without tying it to ego, expectations from authority, or approval from my loved ones. my goals are to never stop learning and never stop surrounding myself with people who also have that yearning, to be driven by happiness, to prioritize action while having the appropriate flexibility, and to try hard to vouchsafe a brighter future for myself, the people i love, and living things that surround me.

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nocoffinplease · 4 years

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8.27

Meditation intrusive thoughts

I am a failure in my relationships

I do not have a spine and cannot stand up for myself

I cannot go on without the love of people I care about being out of my life

I am crazy

I let myself get overwhelmed

I have ruined my relationship with Arthur

By what standards?

My relationship with Arthur is completely over to the point where he can no longer speak to me

I waffle between seeking the approval of both Lennon AND Arthur for my actions by going to bat for them to each other because I love them so much but they hate one another

I get panicked when I think about Arthur saying his final piece and leaving

I get fixated on anxious thoughts and spiral easily

Same as previous bullet

I did not do enough to facilitate communication with him and my spouse

Is this true?

Yes and no: it's true that the relationship is over but Arthur has said that it is not my fault

Yes: I am incapable right now of setting boundaries and forging my own truths without looking to another person

Maybe: I have continued on from loss before and my worst days haven't killed me yet but this absence will be hard on me

No: I do get fixated and spiral but I am not crazy and this isn't a death sentence

Yes: I do let myself get overwhelmed and fixate and spiral but I am not overwhelmed all the time and I know how to get out of it

Not really: I did my best to be a bridge between Arthur and Lennon but ultimately it was up to them to have a conversation

Now what?

Believe what he has said about it not being my fault but also the other things he has said too, not just my speculations of ideas

Practice setting boundaries by setting my phone aside, not anticipating his next communication, remembering who I want to be and what I want to do with my relationships and my life

Grieve appropriately and lean on friends, it will get easier to cope with time

Keep going to therapy

Practice meditating when I'm freaking out

Let go of responsibility I never needed to take

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nocoffinplease · 4 years

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8.24

i miss him so much i feel sick to my stomach sometimes

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nocoffinplease · 4 years

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8.20

had a weird conversation with arthur yesterday after i shared a quote that i thought would resonate with him/shared my thoughts on it. he thinks i just use him as a sounding board and try to retroactively reason things out to him in ways that he’s not prepared to engage with? or something like that. the conversation more or less ended with me saying like, “hey, so a lot of the way these boundaries of communication move is largely in your hands.” like, he can talk to me or engage with me about anything and i’d come running but i couldn’t do the same. the only boundary i could think of was “i wouldn’t talk to arthur if he was yelling at me or telling me to fuck off.” that feels pathetic to me. it’s sad that i’d do anything for a scrap of his attention. he said he’d talk to me later but i haven’t heard anything yet, so i’m just home alone working on websites and shit. i feel so stupid.

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nocoffinplease · 4 years

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8.18

i have therapy today and i’m not the most prepared for it today so i’m just going to write down some things i’m chewing on and see what comes out.

johnny asked me what MY boundaries were with arthur, what i wouldn’t permit HIM to do. and that’s been a hard idea to think about, because if i’m being honest i’m just grateful for the attention. he doesn’t demand much of me in terms of conversation topics and presence within a conversation (i think he has me muted everywhere anyway so if i reply he doesn’t get notified). mostly he just sends me funny things or little day-to-day things he knows i’d like, like the ducklings in the pond at aria and such. i like this attention because it makes me feel seen and cared for by someone that i care for a lot. i think i’ve been healthily able to compartmentalize that attention into a “this is just platonic” mindset, but i need to be more honest with myself if i start feeling myself slip into that mindset of “and maybe there’s a chance!!!” with him. i have to remember that it’s a form of respect and care to acknowledge his choice to leave, that if he changes his mind it’s on his terms and not mine, and that nobody changes their mind with someone pressuring them to.

i was talking to a friend about the duality of how beautiful the past was but also that it’s gone. and she said that i told her a lot about how awful and difficult the past is, and that too is gone. in what ways can i change my thinking from a mindset of loss to one of growth, for lack of a better word? things WERE wonderful back then but they were wonderful in part because i knew less about myself, was happy being complacent with problems left unsolved. growing now means letting a LOT of things go, good and bad, so more good can come

[will write more after therapy]

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nocoffinplease · 4 years

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8.11

hi arthur,

i’ve been thinking a lot about our conversation earlier and the things i don’t think i was getting. i processed it a bit in therapy out loud but i wanted to write it down too. some of this may be disjointed and redundant but i hope it’s clear enough and that i’m actually addressing your concerns. i’m happy to answer anything afterwards. i’m going to do my best.

i’m not sorry that i care, because i should not apologize for a genuine feeling. but i am sorry for showing you that i functionally DON’T care by not respecting your space, your time, your wants and ideas for the future and for your growth. even if i feel it deep down and truly, being told “i care about you, you’re loved, you’re thought about, i’m here for you, it can be revisited” etc. when you’ve left a romantic relationship can easily be read as manipulative and intended to sow guilt, which genuinely wasn’t my intention, but your reaction was logical and understandable. i thought about why i’m compelled to verbalize my feelings in that way, and i think it’s in part because of how i like to be assured/take a community based effort to healing, i’m projecting that you fear abandonment in the way that i do, and most of all, it’s an effort to “prove” that i’m loyal to you and want to help heal your loneliness. however you didn’t ask for any of that, you made a choice to leave and you don’t need me showing you, through my behavior, that i won’t accept it, and it’s unkind because i'm not letting you heal on your terms; my expectations are foisted on you when i say things that presuppose a future scenario or express myself in a way that serves MY emotional comfort and reassures me about MY feelings but doesn’t consider yours.

that leads me to say that i truly did not mean to set out to make you feel bad, especially intentionally. it’s more selfishness on my end; i couldn’t fathom why someone wouldn’t want to be told that they are loved and cared for, because that’s something that i seek out reassurance of more than anything. i’m working on shifting the highest expressions and exchange of love that i display and take in from seeking attention to more substantive gestures like wanting someone to be happy in an earnest way, communicating honestly and clearly, and so on. i want to show you my care more substantively by just... listening to you. understanding that you have different emotional wants and attitudes from me. knowing that it’s okay and probably a great boon to each other to be different in that way. i can be more empathetic about this and i’m trying, on my own volition, to align my actions to my ideals and wants and dreams.

speaking of, again like... it’s not my place to assume that your wants are the same as mine. it’s not fair and doesn’t leave you a way to see for yourself what you want independently of me. i’ve been trying to get better and better about this but i really faltered today in a way i regret. it’s not the way i want to think when i have my best foot forward. i’m sorry for that. you’re worth the effort to do better for. that is the way I want to show care.

thank you for reading if you made it this far. i love you. thank you.

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nocoffinplease · 4 years

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8.8

it’s been a really weird week. but a cathartic one. i think i’m finally in a peaceful place with a lot of what has been happening.

last thursday (7.30) shanti reached out to me and initiated contact again and the conversations since have been going really well; they’re super open and honest and not full of any expectation. with shanti, over the time we weren’t speaking and just in general over the last month, i was meditating on how to show people who care for me the present-ness and engagement they show me, without feeling like i’d “earned it” or not, and how that unequal exchange made her feel neglected while i devoted my time to securing male attention. i wanted to show her that i could be present, engaged, and make her feel heard and seen instead of just a prop in my life. most of all i wanted to show her through being vulnerable and receptive to all ideas and feedback that it’s okay to communicate a need, to not be embarrassed of having a need, to not be scared to say a need and know that you’ll be received kindly. like more than anything i’m trying to be THANKFUL for the opportunity for feedback and be able to hold feedback, positive or negative, as an observation and not a judgment of my character. emotions and people are way more complicated than that.

arthur and i have been up and down and now i think we are in a genuinely GOOD place. like a week ago i gave him his stuff, it was extremely uneventful, i was really sad. the next day i was pretty okay, had company over, but right before i wen to sleep i saw that marlee had posted a picture of abilene, literally hours after i posted about her on my blog saying that i missed her. this person is a mutual and has had ringside seats to my mental breakdown about arthur so i spiraled really hard. probably the worst i did in months. i lashed out at arthur and was really unfair because of a hyperspecific trauma trigger pertaining to jon and my’s breakup. details aren’t that important but arthur and i’s dynamic hit kind of a fever pitch through tuesday and by wednesday we both got really frustrated with one another and he exited the conversation. i didn’t think he was even going to speak to me again but then he reached out and we had the conversation screencapped below. since then it’s been like night and day, and i think a really big part of it is this: after he got angry enough to leave the conversation on wednesday night, i just like... stopped caring about “being good enough” and “asserting my value.” if he was going to talk to me again i’d have to be really honest about what i want and listen hard to what he was saying, respond to it as truthfully as possible, and see what happened next. i think what was most important for me to think was that, though i’m not the person i want to be just yet, if i want to fall back into a pattern of traumatized behavior i mentally go “stop for a moment. think. does the person you want to be think this? what would they do or say?” and it helps a lot.

who do i want to be? i want to de-center (male) attention as my preferred form of care. i want the people i love to be very earnestly happy with whatever they do that brings them joy in a safe, fulfilling way. i want to remember that the things that people do outside of me that make them happy doesn’t mean i DON’T make them happy anymore, that they love me still. i want to be a person who doesn’t allow themselves to be disrespected. i want to be a person who lets their loved ones feel like they independently have value, that they aren’t here to be used or be attention machines. i want to be brave enough to address problems head on and thoroughly (the pothole metaphor). i want to enter and exit every interaction that i have knowing that i was as honest with the other person and with myself as possible. i want to de-center trauma responses, doing things because i feel scared or think there will be consequences if i don’t, and figure out things that make me just regular ol’ happy. i want to be a person who doesn’t apologize for existing. i want to maintain my own power and my own agency, not just give it up by leaving up to the behaviors and actions of others.

there will probably a lot more things that’ll get added to this list. but that’s a good start.

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nocoffinplease · 4 years

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