nolle997-blog - Tumblr blog

nolle997-blog · 5 years ago

Text

7 WAYS TO BEAT DEPRESSION

1. TAKE CARE OF YOUR BODY (EXERCISE!)

The stronger my body, the stronger my mind. Good food, good sleep, good exercise. If my body doesn’t get these, my mind won’t feel good. That’s just the way it has always worked for me.

Related: How To Start An Exercise Routine And Stick To It

2. GIVE YOUR BRAIN ENERGY

I’ve had little bouts of feeling down throughout my entire life, but I’ve had two episodes of major depression that brought me to the brink of total and prolonged hopelessness.

Both times I was in a situation where I had virtually no alone time built into my schedule. My daily routine was driven by other people’s needs and agendas and I failed to make sure that I was getting what I needed.

Extraverts get energized by interacting with other people. Introverts have their energy depleted by other people and they need time alone to recharge.

Even though I’m an introvert, I can act like the extraverts in my life and copy their lifestyle preferences for quite a while. But eventually it always backfires. If I constantly act opposite to my true temperament and if I neglect my need for alone time for too long, my brain gets so tired it becomes vulnerable to depression. I literally run out of steam to keep going.

If I give myself the solitude I need to recharge, I feel more energized and I’m better equipped to handle daily hassles – the mountains shrink back to molehills.

If you are an extravert, you need to do the exact opposite of what I do to give your brain energy. Whereas I crave quiet solitude, you need to fill your days with people and activity to feel your best.

Related: How To Find Out Your Personality Type

3. PUT YOUR BRAIN IN FLOW

Another way to make life feel better is to do more things that feel good. But when I’m depressed, nothing feels good and I’m pretty convinced that nothing ever will.

The thing to remember is… There have been times when I felt good in the past. This is a glimmer of hope that something might feel good again. It’s possible to feel good.

It might take a giant effort to force myself to try and it might not feel good right away, but the road out of depression requires getting out of bed and trying to do something, anything – even if it’s something tiny – with an open mind. I may have forgotten how, but it’s possible to feel good, and it will only come back to me if I give it a chance.

The tricky thing about this one is figuring out what ACTUALLY feels good to you and puts your brain in “flow”. We are all wired differently and your “flow” may come from something completely different than people around you. I now believe that when I used to say “but nothing feels good” it wasn’t that there was nothing in the world that would make me feel good. It was that I was following the people around me, who for the most part were very different from me, and their feel-good activities were not right for me. Most of the things that I was told should feel good just didn’t do it for me.

I needed to find my own thing.

I needed to find my own meandering path to contentment and walk on it with confidence even if most other people find their happiness on a different road.

Related: How To Make Your Brain Happy

4. FIND YOUR PASSION AND PURPOSE

I have found that my mental well-being is closely related to how I’m feeling about my work. If I’m spending the majority of my waking hours stressed or bored or doing something meaningless, it’s probably not terribly surprising that I’ll start feeling like shit about life in general.

Ideally we would all spend our days doing something we feel passionate about and something that gives us a sense of purpose. My eventual goal is to spend every day doing something I both enjoy (passion) and something that allows me to make a positive difference in the world (purpose).

Of the seven things listed in this article, pursuing your passion and purpose can be one of the hardest to achieve.

Real life can show its stubborn face and block your way. We have bills to pay, kids to feed… But I firmly believe that it’s still a very worthwhile goal to pursue with great rewards when you get there.

And here’s the awesome thing. Even if you can’t spend all day every day on your passion and purpose just now, it helps to figure out what they are for you and incorporate at least some of it in your life right away.

Related: How To Figure Out What To Be When You Grow Up – As A Grown-Up

5. CONNECT WITH YOUR PEOPLE

Depression comes with loneliness. I’m swimming upstream in a sea of humans all going in the opposite direction from where I want to go. I feel too different to belong, too different to forge connections.

When I’m overwhelmed with these feelings, it’s easy for me to just want to give up on the world and say I’m done. On the upside, the more I’m able to feel connected to other people, the more I want to participate and live.

Most people need at least one trusted person in their corner. Someone who will be there for you no matter what. Someone who lets you be 100% you. For me, this is my rock of a husband. For you, it could be a friend or a colleague or a parent or a sibling.

But I think it also helps to feel connected in a broader sense. As an introvert, I find it easiest to find these connections via reading and writing.

As a writer, I’m able to skip the small-talk and bring up issues that matter to me. The beauty of publishing my writing on the internet is that it allows me to connect with people all over the world who struggle with the same things I struggle with.

I also find connection via articles and books and movies that share my view of the world. I’m reminded of how amazingly creative people are.

I’m reminded that I’m not as alone as I sometimes feel with who I am and what my values are.

Related: What To Do When You Feel Like You Don’t Belong

Related: What To Do When You Feel Like Nobody Understands

6. KEEP A FEEL-GOOD DIARY

People prone to depression often have a tendency to see the glass as half empty and I’m no different in that regard. As a matter of fact, I would go as far as to say that my glass is at times completely dry with not one drop in it. 🙂

Now, don’t worry, I won’t tell you to “just think positive” or “just change your attitude”. However, it definitely doesn’t hurt to systematically remind yourself of the good moments that sometimes manage to sneak into your otherwise shit-pile of a day.

Recently, I had a rough day with a giant headache and consequently unfinished to-do list, and at first glance, the day felt like a big, fat waste.

But before going to bed, I tried to think of three things that made me feel good that day: 1) seeing my kids running around in the yard happily chasing each other, 2) my husband and I looking up the Knight Rider theme song online (cause we are total dorks), and 3) vegging and watching reality TV (too embarrassed to mention specific show).

Mostly silly and trivial things, but they brought me little moments of joy. So maybe the day wasn’t a complete waste.

Related: 3 Potential Reasons Why You Are Not Happy (And How To Fix Them)

7. SEE DEPRESSION AS AN ALARM

I once saw depression as a disease of which I was a helpless victim and for which the cure came in a bottle of pills.

But nowadays I like to see my depression as an alarm. An alarm that rings from my brain telling me that something isn’t quite right. I’m off balance. I’m not living my best life.

Maybe my body is not getting what it needs. Maybe my brain is burned out without energy. Maybe I’m not doing things that make me feel good. Maybe my passion and purpose are lost. Maybe my relationships are in trouble. Maybe there is so much negative in my life that it’s overwhelming the positive bits.

Depression tells me something is off.

I feel stuck. I feel like I have no options. I’m convinced I will never feel better again. But in reality, I’m just temporarily lost, at a crossroads, not sure where to turn next. I’m lost in a tired fog.

Depression forces me to take a break, to get rest, to re-assess. It forces me to figure out how to give myself what I need. And when I do, the new direction will come.

Depression is an alarm that propels me to seek change and to improve my circumstances.

And that’s the way I want it to be with my depression. I don’t want to feel numb to it. I don’t want to settle. I would rather feel a pain so deep it forces me to change.

I want depression to ring its bell and help propel me forward in my life.

0 notes

nolle997-blog · 5 years ago

Text

7 WAYS TO LEARN SELF LOVE

1. Figure Out What Makes You Happy And Start Doing It

Guess what? It’s really difficult (maybe even impossible?) to be happy and hate yourself at the same time. So one round-about way of learning to love yourself more is to focus on figuring out what makes you tick and bringing more happiness into your life.

Going on a quest to find happiness will help in two ways:

First, when you are busy enjoying yourself, it will leave you less time for brooding.

And second, what makes you happy is often related to your natural strengths and talents. When you discover what you are naturally good at and start doing it, you will feel proud of yourself and receive an authentic self esteem boost.

If you need help getting started, check out some of these articles:

Related: 10 Questions To Find Your Passion

Related: The Single Most Helpful Exercise For Figuring Out What You Should Do With Your Life

Related: 3 Potential Reasons Why You Are Not Happy (And How To Fix Them)

Related: How To Find Out Your Personality Type

Related: How To Make Your Brain Happy

2. Decide What Your Values Are And Work On Bringing Your Life Into Alignment With Them

Another tactic for increased self love is to work on detaching your opinion of yourself from the opinions that other people might have of you (whether real or imagined).

The fact is that you will never be able to please everyone no matter how hard you try. So you might as well quit caring so much and focus on doing what YOU think is right.

What are YOUR values? What are YOUR preferences? What kind of life do YOU want to lead?

When you really think about these things thoroughly and try to live accordingly, you will become so confident that you are doing the right thing for YOU, that A) you will love yourself for it and B) whatever other people think will become much less important.

I know it’s easy to say “just quit caring” and I would be lying if I said I never give any thought to what other people think anymore. But once I became confident that I was on the right path in life for me, I no longer let other people’s opinions drive my choices. And I started liking myself a whole lot better for doing what feels right to me. 🙂

3. Consider The Credibility Of Whoever It Is That Made You Feel Unworthy

The negative thoughts you have of yourself have probably been there for a long time. You might not even remember a time when you didn’t have them. But babies aren’t born with low self esteem. Somewhere in your past, there is an asshole who broke the self image you were building as a child. They shattered it at a time when you were too young and too defenseless to protect it. And when you tried to rebuild it, it came out all wonky.

Who was it? Who broke you? Who taught you that you were unworthy?

Now try to be as grown-up objective as you can and think about that person. Is that person’s opinion worth taking into account? Is that person capable of making an accurate judgment? Is that person kind? Considerate? Thoughtful? Intelligent?

Or is that person someone who is even more broken and lost than you are? Someone who is taking their pain and anger out on you?

I’m guessing the latter.

4. Realize That Other People’s Judgments Are A Reflection Of Them More Than They Are A Reflection Of You

It’s one thing to separate your opinion of yourself from the opinion of abusive people you may have encountered in your past, but it’s important to go even further and learn to take EVERYONE ELSE’S opinions and judgments with a grain of salt. Even people you love and who love you back.

The thing is… We are ALL biased in some way. We all perceive things through the lens of our own unique experiences. We all have different priorities and preferences. Whenever someone shares their point of view, it’s exactly that: their point of view, filtered through whoever they are as a person.

You need to build an imaginary wall around yourself that protects you from other people’s judgments. Whenever someone knocks at that wall trying to offer their judgment, you get to decide whether to let that judgment in. You get to decide to what extent that person’s opinion matters to you and to what extent you agree with it.

Whenever you feel judged by someone, you might want to borrow these guidelines I have set for myself:

Never take just one person’s opinion as absolute truth without considering that person’s bias and where that person is coming from.

Seek multiple perspectives. You can even do this on your own by creating counter arguments to whatever has been said.

You are responsible for creating your own truth. Nobody knows you as well as you do. Nobody understands you as well as you do. Nobody knows what you need and what is best for you as well as you do.

Your opinion is just as valuable as everyone else’s.

You are allowed to judge people back!

Related: 5 Things I Had To Learn To Stop Being A People Pleaser

Related: How To Stop People Pleasing: 10 Practical Tips

5. Let Go Of People Who Are Not Capable Of Appreciating You For Who You Are

You can build a wall to protect yourself from other people’s judgments, but if some lovelies in your life are just hell bent on crashing through that wall, it might be best to just minimize time spent with them and turn your attention to people who are capable of appreciating you for who you are. The negative thoughts you have of yourself will lose their steam if you are surrounded by people who love you for you and who show it!

When I choose who I want to spend time with, my decision rule is this: Can I say whatever pops in my head or do I need to filter? I’m super sensitive to other people’s feelings and I can tell very quickly whether the other person will get me or whether being my authentic self will make the other person uncomfortable. As soon as I notice myself starting to self censor, I take it as a sign that that person is not meant to be in my tribe.

6. Notice All The Ways You Are Loved By Other People

Eventually, I hope you’ll get to a place where you have so much love for yourself that it really truly doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. But in my experience, that place can’t be reached overnight. 😉

So in the meantime, taking note of all the ways you are loved by other people might give you an extra boost. At least it did that for me. According to Gary Chapman, author of The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts, there are five love languages:

Words of affirmation

Acts of service

Touch

Quality time

Gifts

My primary love language is quality time, and before I read The 5 Love Languages, the only time I felt loved was when someone would spend quality time with me. Quality time is still the best way to make me feel warm and fuzzy, but realizing how people in my life were trying to show me love using some of the other love languages definitely didn’t hurt. As in, “maybe I’m a little bit lovable after all?”

7. Start Challenging Your Inner Critic

I would be lying if I told you that I never have negative thoughts about myself anymore. I do. All the time.

The difference is that I no longer believe them automatically. When my inner critic – that negative voice in my head telling me I’m not good enough – starts berating me, I now challenge it.

I talk back.

And that’s what I want you to do too.

Just. Talk. Back.

Start noticing when your inner critic makes an appearance – maybe even write down what it’s saying. Then create a counter argument. Imagine a support system whose only purpose is to defend you against the inner critic. What would a best friend say in your defense? What would someone who loves you unconditionally say? How would they encourage you?

And don’t do this just once right after reading this article. 😉 Do it over and over and over until the encouraging thoughts become the automatic ones.

0 notes

nolle997-blog · 5 years ago

Text

HOW TO STOP RUMINATING: THREE WAYS TO GET RID OF NEGATIVE THOUGHTS

1. Eliminate The Target Of Rumination From Your Life

Here’s one of my favorite quotes of all time:

“Maturity is learning to walk away from people and situations that threaten your peace of mind, self respect, values, morals and self worth.”

There are things you ruminate about that are worth it. And then there are things you ruminate about that are not worth it.

If my husband and I get into an argument, hell yeah, I’m going to ruminate about it until we sort it out. And whatever time I spend ruminating over that argument will have been worth it, because for the most part, my marriage is a positive experience for me. There is a lot more good than bad. And whenever we do hit a bad phase, we usually learn from it and grow from it. This relationship is worth it to me.

I’ve had other relationships that just weren’t worth it. My father was an alcoholic and a wife-beater. My mother divorced him when I was five and he got visitation rights every other weekend. (Nobody asked me!) So I spent much of my childhood dreading these visits, worrying about whether he was going to be drunk, anticipating the next blow-up. Even when I grew up and had more control, the only thing I got out of this relationship was stress. Dreading the phone calls, dreading the visits. Ruminating about the stupid shit he would say. It wasn’t worth it.

So I walked away. I told him not to contact me anymore. I haven’t talked to him in more than 20 years and I rarely think about him. My life is better without him in it.

For you, it could be an immediate family member or an extended family member. It could be a “friend”. It could be your job.

If you are constantly ruminating and worrying about a particular relationship, activity, or situation, you have to ask yourself: Is it really worth it to have this person or activity in my life?

2. Take Action

Here’s another great quote:

“If you change nothing, nothing will change.”

If you are ruminating and you don’t do anything about it, the ruminating will continue.

Indefinitely.

So when you catch yourself dwelling… Change something. Take action.

If you are constantly ruminating about what a terrible horrible very bad person you are, learn how to love yourself.

If you are constantly ruminating about a mistake you made, learn how to get over regrets.

If you are ruminating about a problem you don’t know how to solve, seek help. Google it, buy a book, talk to someone.

If you are ruminating about a course of action, set a deadline for making a decision.

If you are ruminating about what some douchebag said to you, write a response. Even if you never send it.

If you are ruminating about something you really kinda sorta totally need to do, just do it. Even if it’s the middle of the night.

If the first action you try doesn’t work, try a different action.

And finally… If you are ruminating about something you honest to goodness, cross your fingers and toes, can’t do anything about – at least not today – check out Rumination Eliminator #3 below.

3. Fill Your Life With Good Stuff To Ruminate About

I have one more quote for you, this one from Roald Dahl:

“I began to realize how important it was to be an enthusiast in life. If you are interested in something, no matter what it is, go at it full speed. Embrace it with both arms, hug it, love it, and above all become passionate about it. Lukewarm is no good.”

Lukewarm is no good, because your mind won’t stick to something that you feel lukewarm or so-so about. And if your daily life is mostly filled with things you feel lukewarm or so-so about at best, it’s all too easy for negative thoughts and feelings to take over your brain. Especially if your negative feelings are burning hot.

The best way to kill the negative thoughts and feelings that are burning hot is to smother them with positive thoughts and feelings that burn even hotter.

Instead of spending your energy on fighting the negative, on trying to will the worries away, on trying to use logic to convince your mind to calm down…

Put your energy into adding more positive things into your life.

Give your mind so much positive material that there is no more room for the negative.

Give your mind something that is… so interesting… so captivating… so fascinating… that you just can’t help but think about it.

Give your mind something it’s drawn to like a magnet.

Go on a quest.

Go searching.

Go find your passions in life.

Find your passions and serve them to your mind on a silver platter.

What are you interested in? What have you always wanted to try? What do you feel passionate about?

What kind of life do you want? How do you want to feel?

Make a list. Make the items on that list a priority.

Make them a part of your life.

And you will find your mind being so busy with good stuff that the bad stuff will fade away without you even trying.

0 notes

nolle997-blog · 5 years ago

Text

HOW TO CHANGE YOUR LIFE WHEN YOU’RE SICK OF IT

1. Make A Detailed List Of Everything You Are Dissatisfied With In Your Life

You can’t fix a problem, if you don’t know what the problem is. So the first step in transforming your life is to become crystal clear about what the problem areas are. What are you unhappy with exactly?

Here is a list of possibilities to get you started.

Physical Well-being

Sleep/Energy levels

Exercise

Diet

Stress levels

Mental Well-being

Anxiety

Depression

Other

Relationships

Significant other

Kids

Extended family

Friendships

Work

The kind of work you are doing

The place where you work

The people you are working with

How much money you are making

Hobbies & Interests

What you do for fun

How much time you have to devote to your interests

Where You Live

City/town

Neighborhood

Your apartment or house

If these prompts don’t get your wheels turning – if you just have a vague feeling that you are unhappy, but you are not sure why – then work on #2 first and come back to this step.

2. Create A Vision Of Your Ideal Life

You will never be able to build the kind of life you want to live if you don’t know what that life is like. So the next step is to figure out what exactly you want and create a detailed vision of your ideal life.

How do you want to feel? What do you want to do? Who do you want to be with?

In order to complete this step successfully, here are a few things to keep in mind:

Self Awareness Is Key

You need to find your authentic self. You need to become aware of your true preferences, your personality traits, your strengths, and your weaknesses. This is the only way to create a life that is a good match to the unique person that is YOU.

This Is About What YOU Want

The only way to create a life that YOU are happy with is to focus on what YOU want from life. Let go of other people’s expectations from you or for you. Let go of what you have been taught you should want and figure out what you actually want.

Liking Something In Theory Is Not The Same As Liking Something In Practice

Liking the IDEA of something, is not the same as ACTUALLY enjoying it. Given my interest in psychology and helping people, I like the IDEA of being a therapist, but I know that IN PRACTICE interacting with people all day long would be way too exhausting for a highly sensitive introvert like me.

Admiring Someone Doesn’t Mean You Would Be Happy Living Their Life

We can have great regard for some people and admire what they are doing with their lives, but know that we would be miserable living their lives.

Settling Will Put You Right Back To Where You Started

You want to change your life, because you are unhappy with it as it stands. So as you create your vision, let go of self imposed limitations that will leave you settling for just a different variety of unhappy. Let go of “normal”. Let go of “reasonable”. Let yourself aim high. Let yourself dream.

You Are Allowed To Keep Adjusting Your Vision

As human beings, we are changing, growing, and developing all the time. We are constantly learning new things about ourselves and the world. Don’t be afraid to keep course correcting and adjusting your vision, as doors open to opportunities you didn’t even know existed before.

Exercises And Articles For Brainstorming Your Ideal Life

For more help with creating a vision for your ideal life, check out the Self Discovery section of my website.

3. Put The Life Areas To Be Changed Into Priority Order

You absolutely CAN change your whole life, but you can’t change your whole life overnight. Whenever I have tried to implement too many changes at once or whenever I have tried to achieve too much in too short of a period of time, I have ended up right back in square one: overwhelmed, stressed out, and unhappy.

So put the problem areas in priority order and work on them in that order.

We all have our unique priorities in life and you should stay true to yours. In my own life, I have found that physical well-being has to remain priority number 1. If I’m tired and not feeling well, it’s very difficult for me to work on reaching any of my other goals. So sufficient rest, good nutrition, and regular exercise are kind of the foundation on which everything else in my life is built upon.

Here are my simple rules for how much change to take on at any one time:

Work On One Habit At A Time

If you are changing a habit, work on ONE habit at a time. When that ONE habit has become automatic, work on the next one. For example, when my babies weren’t babies anymore, I wanted to start exercising again and improve my diet. I focused first on establishing an exercise routine. After a few months, it had become second nature for me to go for a run first thing every morning and only then did I start making changes to my diet.

Don’t Compromise Your Health Or Relationships That Matter The Most

When working to achieve other life goals, only take on as much as you can without compromising physical well-being and relationships that are most important to you. For example, I’m working on changing my career at the moment, but it’s happening very slowly, because I’m a wife and mom first and foremost and because I make taking care of myself (sleep, exercise, and food) my number one priority.

4. Learn How To Transform Your Life – One Area At A Time

One of the biggest obstacles to changing your life for the better is not knowing exactly how to go about it. This has been a reoccurring theme of my depression as well: I’m unhappy, but I don’t know how to change things. And when I don’t know how to change things, I start thinking it’s probably not even possible.

But here’s the thing. Whatever problem you are struggling with, someone else in human history has struggled with as well. Actually a whole lot of someones have likely struggled with the same problem. And some of those someones are out there talking about overcoming that problem. Or recording podcasts. Or crafting blog posts. Or even writing entire books.

Take advantage of those people. Learn from them.

Start with your life area priority #1 and research how other people have managed to make a similar change. Google it. Pinterest it. Order a book from Amazon. Check out the growing library of life change “how to’s” right here on Solutions To All Your Problems.

Some advice you run into won’t work for you, but some of it will. Keep what works for you and ditch the rest.

5. Set Specific Goals And Create Detailed Plans For Achieving Those Goals

You know what you want and you know how other people have gotten exactly what you want. It’s time for you to start taking action.

But action can be scary. It’s new and different and OMG what if you fail?!

Here are two things I have learned to do to make action less scary:

Set Smart Goals

SMART goals are:

Specific

Measurable

Attainable

Realistic

Time-bound

For example, “to get in shape” is not a SMART goal. “To be able to run for 30 minutes three months from now” is a SMART goal.

Create Plans With Itty Bitty Baby Steps

Big goals are scary, because they are BIG. They are GIANT and OVERWHELMING! But they become a lot less so, if you break everything into itty bitty DOABLE baby steps. Let’s take the “run for 30 minutes three months from now” example. Here are the first itty bitty baby steps one could take to achieve this goal:

WEEK 1

buy a pair of good running shoes

find comfortable clothes to run in

make a play list of music to listen to while exercising

WEEK 2

day 1: 3 minutes of running + 15 minutes of walking

day 2: 4 minutes of running + 15 minutes of walking

day 3: 5 minutes of running + 15 minutes of walking

6. Take Control Of Your Time

Making life changes takes time. If you want to lead a healthier lifestyle, you probably need to find more time for sleep, exercise, relaxation, and cooking. If you want to change careers, you probably need to find time for learning new skills. If you want to connect with your significant other more, you probably need to find more time for hanging out. And so on and so on…

Here are three ways to deal with the inevitable time issues:

Start Time Blocking

Here’s what I mean by time blocking: Start planning your days out in advance by writing down how you will be spending each half-hour block within the day. It sounds super simple, but it works magic in terms of helping you be more intentional about how you are spending your time.

Stick To Your Priorities

Always keep YOUR personal priorities in mind when you are setting up your daily schedule. When you don’t have time for everything, the things that are not TOP priority need to be cut. And yes, this means that you need to start saying no to some people and activities you used to spend time on.

Slow Progress Is Better Than No Progress

Sometimes you won’t be able to spend as much time as you would ideally like on whatever life goal you are working on at the moment. When that happens, just do what you have time for.

Remember that slow progress is better than no progress! Even if it takes you ten years to get to where you want to be, it’s better to get there in ten years than to not start at all and still be stuck ten years from now.

7. Keep Yourself Motivated

Making life changes is hard and takes time. How do you stay motivated to keep going?

In my experience, here are the conditions that need to be present in order for you to stick to it for the long haul:

You Are Excited About Your Goal

When you nail down #2 – creating the vision for your ideal life – it becomes a lot easier to find the motivation to take the steps you need to take. You will be EXCITED to do what you need to do, because this is something YOU ACTUALLY WANT. More than you have ever wanted anything else. (And if that’s not how you feel about your vision, then it’s back to the drawing board!)

Your To-Do List Is Doable

The more you are able to break the tasks ahead of you into baby steps, the more doable they become. Set outrageous end goals, but break them down into itty bitty baby steps.

You Have A Growth Mindset

Make the words YET, BUT your new mantra, as in “I don’t know how to do this YET, BUT I can learn.”

Yes, changing your life is hard. But it’s even harder to stay stuck in a life you don’t like.

Start working on your new life today!

1 note · View note

nolle997-blog · 5 years ago

Text

HOW TO STOP CARING WHAT OTHERS THINK

HOW TO STOP CARING WHAT OTHERS THINK AND FOCUS ON YOURSELF

1. Figure Out Who You Are And What You Want In Life

I kinda feel like I’m harping on about this same thing in every article on this website. But it’s something that’s so important it deserves some harping.

I believe that knowing yourself and then bringing your life into alignment with that knowledge is nothing less but the key to happiness.

When you are walking the path that you know in your bones is the right path for you, you will lose interest in anybody else’s path and whatever they may be yapping about while they are on it.

If you want to focus less on others, then make your own life so interesting that it demands your focus.

Find your authentic self. Take personality tests. Identify your strengths and your weaknesses. Find your passion and purpose. Finally figure out what you want to be when you grow up.

Create a vision for your ideal life.

Make it so enticing that nothing else matters.

And those other people over there on that other path?

Just. Not. Interesting.

2. Establish Non-Negotiable Boundaries

Think about the ways in which caring too much about what other people think has hurt you the most.

Does your excessive caring lead you to spend time on people and activities you get nothing out of and consequently lead you to have less time for people and activities that are more rewarding?

Does your excessive caring lead you to overcommit and take on more responsibility than you can realistically handle?

Does your excessive worry make you a perfectionist in areas of life that, come to think of it, you don’t actually give two shits about?

Does your excessive worry hold you back from expressing your creative side?

Does your excessive worry paralyze you and stop you from following your dreams?

Whatever it is – whatever is valuable to you right now that you are not accessing because of the excessive caring – draw an imaginary boundary around it that cannot be crossed. No matter what.

My life used to be dictated by other people’s agendas. Other people’s needs. Other people’s preferences. I was so consumed by worrying about other people that I didn’t take good care of myself. And this is how caring too much about what other people think has hurt me the most.

Nowadays my own agenda rules. In particular, I made a firm decision that I would never again compromise taking care of my own basic needs for other people’s benefit. I won’t set myself on fire to keep other people warm.

Here are my valuables:

A minimum of eight hours of sleep every single night.

An hour of exercise every single morning.

Three healthy-according-to-my-definition meals every single day.

Several hours of alone time to recharge several times a week.

Several hours of writing time every week.

I imagined my valuables as pieces of furniture in my house. The same house where I graduated from doormat to door. 😉 And then I imagined myself building a tall fence around my house. That’s the boundary that cannot be crossed.

It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks about my valuables. They can think I’m inflexible and anti-social and weird. They can think that all they want. But they can’t penetrate the boundary. The fence is too tall and I added some barb wire and a barking dog that only listens to me.

They can’t penetrate the boundary. They can’t take away the health and happiness I get from my valuables. Because I keep my valuables safe. No matter what.

3. Become The Boss Of Your Own Life

I’m typically not too into the “fake it till you make it” mentality. When I’ve tried to fake it in the past, I haven’t usually made it.

But here’s an exception. In this one case, I’m going to advice you to fake it till you make it.

I started acting like I was the boss of my own life before I felt ready. I started acting like I was the boss of my own life when I was still terribly worried about what other people think and when I was still mired in self doubt.

I agonized and worried about it, but I did it anyway.

I started living my life guided solely by my own values and by my own goals. The ones I had decided were the right ones for me.

I graduated from doormat to a door. I started guarding my valuables.

I started saying no to people and activities that were draining, which gave me more time to say yes to people and activities that brought me joy.

And you know what? Terrible things didn’t happen. The world didn’t come to an end.

Quite the opposite.

I started experiencing the kind of calm and happiness I had never known before.

If I had waited until I felt ready, I would probably still be waiting.

The feeling of not caring came after taking action. When I actually experienced the rewards of living life in alignment with my own truth, it gave me the firm conviction I had wanted to feel. The conviction that I knew what was best for me and anybody else’s opinions on this issue were of little significance.

4. Learn To Care Selectively

Letting go of excessive worry over what other people think doesn’t mean never listening to another person’s point of view again. Sometimes other people can actually be helpful. The trick is learning to tune out unwanted judgments, while remaining open to valuable insights.

Instead of being the doormat and letting any old knucklehead’s real or imaginary judgments determine the course of your life, be the door and be in charge of determining who is worth paying attention to. Before you open the door to just anyone, learn to ask some screening questions:

Is this person capable of seeing things from your point of view or is this person simply seeking validation for their own experience?

Does this person know the full story or is this person making a lot of inaccurate assumptions?

Does this person have your best interests at heart and does this person recognize how your best interests might be different from his/her best interests?

Is this person an expert in this specific area?

Has this person overcome similar obstacles as you?

Does this person have similar priorities as you?

Does paying attention to this person move you forward in your life?

And my all-time favorite question of all questions:

Is this person living the life you want to live?

There are two ways to use these questions.

First, whenever you feel the worry rising because you are afraid of someone’s judgment, try to remember to intercept the worry by asking these questions. In all honesty, it will probably feel really awkward and it won’t do much to alleviate the worry the first few times. But the longer you stick with this practice, the more it will start helping. Questioning the judgy person’s motives and expertise will become so automatic that this mindset will take over before you have a chance to get all tied up in knots with worry.

Second, actively look for people who pass the screening questions. In real life, online, in books. The more you are able to find voices that are actually worth caring about and the more you fill your consciousness with those voices, the less you will care about the negative chatter that is holding you back in life.

5. Send Judgments Back To Where They Came From

Let’s say you are feeling judged by Someone. Let’s say you ask the screening questions above and the Someone doesn’t pass and you keep the door closed to guard your valuables.

But instead of leaving you alone, the Someone is still there carrying the judgment. Hanging out, standing right outside the fence where you can still see him, not leaving.

For these pesky situations, I have one more trick up my sleeve.

You can send the judgment back to where it came from. You can judge people back!

For example, let’s say I’m afraid that the Someone will think I’m a selfish asshole for declining to participate in this or that Socialathon in order to attend to my valuables. I could cave in and participate when I don’t want to. Or I could simply judge the Someone back:

If the Someone is really going to think that I’m a selfish asshole for wanting to take care of my own needs, then the Someone is a selfish asshole for asking me to sacrifice my needs for a Socialathon I’m not interested in.

Simple but kinda revolutionary, right? 😉

It works wonders. And since you and I are not assholes, we don’t even need to voice these judgments out loud to anyone. We can just do this whole exercise in our imaginations and go on living our merry lives without the Someone holding us back anymore.

PERSIST!

To learn how to stop caring what others think is not a war that can be won in one battle. You will make some progress and sink into worry, make some progress and sink into worry, over and over and over again. But each time you climb out of the worry hole, it will be just a tiny bit easier.

And if there ever was a war that’s worth fighting, this is it.

Because once you are in charge of your own life, you will be unstoppable!

0 notes

nolle997-blog · 5 years ago

Text

3 POTENTIAL REASONS WHY YOU ARE NOT HAPPY

A dear reader recently wrote to me about how she’s just not happy even though everything in her life is damn good. I could relate, because I’ve been in that exact same spot. Many times as a matter of fact.

It got me thinking about how, at various times, I’ve been unhappy with life for completely different reasons, and how identifying the reason was the key to fixing it.

But before I get to the reasons and the fixes, let’s clarify what I mean by happiness. Because we are not after some kind of perfect nirvana here. I believe that highs and lows are a part of life. We are going to have good days and bad days. We are going to have times when everything just flows and times when we feel like we are sinking.

And that’s ok. A rich life includes all kinds of experiences. Good. Bad. Easy. Difficult.

I think happiness is about balance. It’s about finding enough good to help you endure the bad. It’s about curling up on the floor to cry, but eventually getting up because you remember the good times. It’s about living a life that feels worth living.

The problem is that sometimes the “good” isn’t so easy to find. Kind of like when you’ve lost your keys and dumped the contents of your purse on the bed and looked between the couch cushions and yelled at the kids for making the house a goddamn disaster and now you are digging through the trash.

That’s kind of what it’s like when you’ve lost the “good”. And I wish I could give you an exact treasure map of where to find it – row your boat to the deserted island, find the fifth coconut tree to the right of the pond, and then take 10 steps south – but I can’t.

What I can do, however, is give you three potential reasons why the “good” might be lost and some ideas for how to go about finding it in each case. You might be 1) overemphasizing the bad, 2) unaware of what actually makes you feel good, or 3) not doing enough of what makes you feel good. Or you might well be suffering from a combination of all three.

Read on for more details on each.

NOT HAPPY WITH LIFE? THREE POTENTIAL REASONS WHY AND HOW TO FIX THEM

1. You Are Overemphasizing The Bad

Sometimes there is already a whole lot of good in our lives, but we don’t notice it because we are only focusing on the bad. This can come about a couple of different ways.

Only Thinking About The Bad

Let’s say 90 percent of your life is pretty good, but you spend all your time ruminating about the 10 percent that’s shit.

THE FIX: Learn to notice the good. You could try one of these exercises:

At the end of each day, write down five things that made you feel good that day. Be super honest with yourself and write down only things that ACTUALLY made you feel good. Don’t write down things that you think you should feel grateful for or things that should feel good. If you can’t find five things that ACTUALLY made you feel good, then the problem isn’t that you are not noticing the good. It’s that the good isn’t there.

At the start of each day, put a bunch of small objects in your right pocket – rocks, paper clips, whatever. Every time something good happens during the day, something that makes you feel good, take one object out of the right pocket and put it in your left pocket. At the end of the day, count the objects in your left pocket and remember the good moments you had that day.

Write a list of things that you are happy about. Make it as long as possible and add to it whenever you think of something new. Carry the list in your pocket and read it whenever you feel like you could use an extra dose of positive.

Cognitive Distortions

Negativity can also take the reigns if your thoughts are not consistent with reality. Psychologists use the term cognitive distortion to describe some common thinking errors. Here are a few examples:

Exaggerating and overgeneralizing: Everything is shit. Nothing ever goes my way. I always screw everything up.

All or nothing thinking: If I’m not 100 percent perfect, I’m a total failure. If my life is not perfect, it’s a shitty life.

Emotional reasoning: I feel anxious – Something bad is about to happen. I feel dumb – I must be dumb.

THE FIX: Learn to recognize and challenge irrational thoughts. Here are some things you could try:

Simply becoming aware of all the possible ways humans engage in irrational thinking was huge for me. The three examples I listed above merely scratch the surface. Google “cognitive distortions” or search for “cognitive distortions” on Pinterest and you’ll find a ton of helpful examples.

Whenever you find yourself feeling bad, make note of the thoughts that are running through your mind. Are they all completely accurate and rational? Do you have reasonable evidence to support your thoughts? Do any of the cognitive distortions apply?

Seek a second opinion. If you are not sure whether you are thinking rationally or if the rational side of you needs reinforcement, ask someone you trust for their opinion.

Caveat: It’s Not Always All In Your Head

With all that being said, I’m sending you a big fat caveat with this section.

Some people believe that if you just fix your thought patterns, happiness will automatically follow. That it doesn’t matter what situation you are in. That it doesn’t matter what environment you are in or who you are with. That if you just keep chasing after change in your circumstances, you will be chasing forever. That it’s all in your head. That it’s all about the attitude. That if you just manage to think positive, you will feel positive.

And maybe that’s the way it works for some people. But that’s not the way it has worked in my experience. Here’s what has been true in my experience:

Not all bad stuff is a figment of your imagination.

I’ve had a few really bad things happen to me. They happened to me through no fault of my own, because of external circumstances that I had no power over at the time. There was no silver lining. They were simply bad things that happened for no good reason. And I didn’t get through these things by “thinking positive”. I got through them by acknowledging that a really shitty thing had happened and by grieving and giving it time.

When life in general feels like shit, there is usually a problem there to be addressed. Even if you are thinking about the problem irrationally or exaggerating it, that doesn’t mean that there is no problem at all.

I believe that wallowing in the negative and distorted thinking can make life feel worse than it actually is. But whenever I’ve experienced prolonged lows in my life, just working on my thinking patterns alone was never enough. When my life felt like 90 percent shit and 10 percent good, focusing on the 10 percent good was not the answer. Nor was trying to convince myself that the 90 percent actually wasn’t that shitty. The answer was making changes in my life so that the percent shit would come down and the percent good would go up.

Identifying problems and making changes to solve them does lead to a happier life.

Whenever I’ve been able to nudge my circumstances into a direction that is better aligned with my personality and preferences, I have gained a higher level of general life satisfaction. And not just momentarily. Even if I’ve kept seeking further improvements, my baseline feeling about my life has gone up and stayed up.

2. You Don’t Know What Makes You Feel Good

Sometimes the good is lost, because we don’t know what actually makes us feel really good. And when I say “makes us feel really good”, I mean activities that we honest-to-goodness, truly and purely, enjoy. Activities that make you lose track of time. Activities that you look forward to. Activities that you feel passionate about. Activities that physically trigger your brain to feel good, so that you know with your whole being that you are feeling happy right this second. Activities that put your brain in “flow” or “the zone”.

The prolonged lows that I have experienced always coincided with times when these “feel-good” triggers were missing from my life. I have found that I need at least some moments of actually truly feeling good in order to give my brain energy and help me deal with the rest of life. And it took some serious investigation to figure out what exactly my feel-good triggers were. There are a couple of different reasons why they are sometimes difficult to identify.

Reason #1: You Are Wired Different From Most

What brings you true enjoyment might be completely different from most people around you. Your family, friends, and society at large may have given you all kinds of expectations about what should feel good, but that doesn’t mean it actually will. For example, here are the kinds of statements I’ve heard people in my life repeat over and over again:

I love hanging out with my friends. I love going to parties and getting together with people. All I’ve ever wanted is to get married and have a family. I love spending quality time with my kids. I want a good job that pays well, so I don’t have to worry about money.

So for a long time, my expectation was that those same things would make me feel good too. But if I’m brutally honest with myself, they don’t.

These are my actual feel-good triggers:

I need to spend long stretches of time in solitude to feel my best. I love spending hours and hours thinking about ideas and then writing about them. I love learning about new topics – learning everything I possibly can – and then moving on to the next thing. I love having a very small handful of people in my life who I feel very connected to and who accept my very unconventional self exactly as it is.

Guess how many role models I have had for this model of happiness?

Reason #2: Doing Something You Feel Good About Doing Doesn’t Automatically Make You Feel Good

Doing something you want to do doesn’t automatically bring you pure enjoyment. Doing something you feel good about doing, in that you think it’s the right thing to do or it’s consistent with your values, doesn’t automatically bring you pure enjoyment. To give you a couple of examples:

I have a good job that pays well and lets me work from home. I feel good about the fact that I’m good at my job. I feel good about the fact that I’m able to provide for a family of five. I feel good about the fact that the money I make enables us to live in an area with great schools. I WANT to keep this job a while longer because of the money and because it’s convenient right now. But doing the work required by this job doesn’t ACTUALLY make me feel good. It doesn’t put my brain in flow. I lost interest in the job years ago and now it’s boring at best and stressful at worst. I don’t enjoy it.

I have three kids who I love like crazy. They are by far the most awesome and interesting people I’ve ever met. I WANT to be a great Mom to them and I WANT to give them everything they need and I WANT to spend time with them. And yes, sometimes spending time with them does feel good. Sometimes there are moments of great joy. But if I’m honest, a lot of times it doesn’t feel good. A lot of times being a parent is hard and stressful and exhausting. It’s a challenge that is worth it to me, but it doesn’t put my brain in flow.

THE FIX: Regardless of why you don’t know what makes you feel good, the fix is to find whatever it is that brings you true enjoyment. You need to find your thing. The thing that makes you tick. The thing that puts your brain in flow. I can’t tell you what exactly it’s going to be for you. But I can share with you how I figured this out for myself. The posts listed below are all about how to find YOUR path to happiness. 🙂

Related: The Single Most Helpful Exercise For Figuring Out What You Should Do With Your Life

Related: 10 Questions To Find Your Passion

Related: How To Find Out Your Personality Type

Related: How To Make Your Brain Happy

Related: How To Protect Yourself From Your Biggest Weakness

3. You Are Not Doing Enough Things That Make You Feel Good

Sometimes the good is lost, because there are not enough hours in the day. You know exactly what would make you feel good, but actually doing it is a whole different matter. You have responsibilities and commitments. You have all those things that you feel good about doing. And if your responsibilities and commitments and the list of things you want to do are not in alignment with what you ACTUALLY enjoy, it can be really hard to find the time.

THE FIX: This is where life changes come into play. Again, the goal isn’t to achieve some kind of perfect illusion where you feel good every second of every day. But the trick is to work in enough good feelings, enough enjoyment, into your life that you feel energized to deal with the rest:

In the short term, start setting aside time to do whatever it is that makes you feel good. I can’t tell you how much time is going to be enough for you, but I can tell you I need at least some “me-time” most days. Whenever I start having inklings of a “low” coming, I nip it in the bud by upping the amount of “me-time”. If you don’t have time in your schedule, something else has to go. I’m married with three kids, and my husband and I both have full-time jobs.

Wanna know how I’ve had time over the last eight months or so to write all the articles for this website? I have learned to make my own well-being a priority. I have mastered the art of saying no to anything and anyone that is not super important to me.

In the long term, the more the cadence of your daily life, your social life, and your work life are in harmony with your authentic personality and preferences, the easier it is to feel good. These are often not things that can be changed overnight, but in the long term, they can be nudged in the right direction little by little. Paint a picture of your best life.

What changes can you start making, what goals can you start working toward, in order to get closer to that life?

0 notes

nolle997-blog · 5 years ago

Text

5 THINGS I HAD TO LEARN IN ORDER TO STOP BEING A PEOPLE PLEASER

I abhor conflict and confrontation. I’m pretty much completely incapable of saying no to someone’s face. Instead of standing up for what I want or what I believe in, I just smile.

To the point that I have a trail of abandoned relationships behind me. Abandoned because it was easier to leave than to say, hey, this isn’t working for me. Can we make some changes?

For much of my life, I have been a hopeless people pleaser and I can tell you this quality has not served me well. I have felt lonely because most of my relationships were one-sided. I have felt dissatisfied because my life was driven by other people’s preferences. I have felt exhausted from trying to be someone I’m not.

I would like to say that I have this completely figured out and I’m “all better” now. But I would be lying.

At this point, I would call myself a recovering people pleaser. I have come a long way from where I started. I understand and believe that people pleasing is not good for me. I have established boundaries. I don’t just smile and go along anymore. I don’t say yes when I don’t want to.

But I still have a terribly difficult time directly saying no to someone or expressing my disagreement. I have found ways of sneaking around that. I don’t sacrifice my own well-being anymore, but instead of just coming right out and saying it out loud, I do it in a stealthy “don’t mind me while I just tip-toe the fuck outta here” kind of way.

So I’m not where I want to be quite yet, but the rest of the road is clearly laid out in front of me and I know how to get to my destination.

To get where I am today – to make the shift from a hopeless people pleaser to a recovering people pleaser – I had to learn five lessons, which I’m going to share with you in this article.

STOP BEING A PEOPLE PLEASER: 5 THINGS I HAD TO LEARN

1. If I Take Care Of My Own Needs First, I Have More To Give To Others

Before I could stop being a people pleaser, I had to learn that putting yourself and your own needs first is not selfish.

I learned this lesson the hard way when I became a mother. I failed to meet my own needs and let myself run ragged to the point where I was so exhausted I started fantasizing about death just so I wouldn’t have to fight to stay awake anymore. You know, if I was laying in a coffin, nobody would try to interrupt my peace and quiet.

Now if someone is THAT tired, do you think anyone around that person benefits?

No. Nobody benefits.

Your first responsibility is always to yourself. The more you care for yourself, the better you’ll feel and the more you’ll be able to give to others. Put your own oxygen mask on before you help the minors.

Related: 5 Reasons To Let Go Of The Guilt When You Need Alone Time

2. The Best Relationships Require Confrontation

Before I could stop being a people pleaser, I had to learn that even though conflict and confrontation are borderline unbearable for me, they can be helpful tools.

The relationship that I value the most in my life – the one with my husband – is also the one that I have worked at the hardest. And a lot of that work has included confronting the other person when there is an issue and working through conflicts.

In this one relationship, I have felt safe enough to let go of my people-pleasing persona (my husband will attest to that if you ask 😉 ) and the result is a very close connection that has continued to improve over time. We are two VERY different people and we have been through some VERY tough times together, but the reason we have survived as a couple is that we have been willing to ask each other for what we need and keep the lines of communication open. (And let’s be honest here. Communication is just a nicer word for “argue” 😉 ).

If you want a close and meaningful relationship, it’s absolutely necessary to make your authentic voice heard.

Related: If You Were To Do ONE Thing To Improve Your Marriage, Make It This

3. Social Conventions Are Mostly Arbitrary And I Have No Obligation To Follow Them

Before I could stop being a people pleaser, I had to learn that I wasn’t obligated to follow other people’s versions of the “way things should be”.

I’ve had the privilege of spending a significant amount of time in two very different cultures. I grew up in Finland, but I’ve lived in the US for my entire adult life. This amounts to roughly two decades in each country. When you have the opportunity to observe different cultures close-up, one thing that becomes very evident is how arbitrary most social conventions are and how much of the things we do and the way we relate to other people is just a function of “the way it’s always been here” – what’s considered polite behavior, what the traditions are, what the prevalent religious beliefs or non-beliefs are.

You can make arguments for why these conventions are beneficial, but many of them are not inherently “right” or “wrong”. They are just habits that have evolved over time.

And you know what else? When these conventions came to be, I wasn’t asked if I agreed or if I wanted to participate. Nobody called me up for a meeting and said, hey Anni, are you ok with celebrations on random calendar dates, mindless chit-chat, or watching grown men run after a ball?

And because I never promised anyone I would participate in these conventions, I’m under no obligation to do so. I’m under no obligation to do things because “that’s the way it’s always been” or “that’s just the way I was raised”.

It’s not that I take this as permission to be an asshole. I whole-heartedly believe in being kind and taking other people’s feelings into account. But I do take it as permission to make up my own traditions and fill my life with activities that I genuinely enjoy. I take it as permission to be kind to myself and to take my own feelings into account as well. I take it as permission to stay home and read a book. I take it as permission to choose quiet over meaningless noise. I take it as permission to be weird, to do my own thing. To swim against the mainstream.

Related: How To Make Your Brain Happy

4. I Can Challenge My Inner Critic

Before I could stop being a people pleaser, I had to learn to challenge my own inner critic – that judgmental voice that would scold me for being selfish, for hurting people’s feelings. The voice that would warn me I would end up rejected and alone, kicked out of the tribe, if I didn’t follow the rules.

This voice still shouts loud and clear, but when it does, I have my counter-arguments ready:

The world deserves the best you. You deserve the best you. The best you will only be realized if your needs are met.

If you decline an invitation or an offer of friendship, it’s true that the other person’s feelings may initially be hurt. But in the long run, it’s better for the other person as well as for you, to find people who are a better match.

If this tribe kicks you out, it wasn’t the right tribe for you in the first place. There are others out there that are a better fit.

Related: 7 Powerful Ways To Learn Self-Love

5. I Am My Own Best Advocate

Before I could stop being a people pleaser, I had to learn that I am the final arbiter of what’s best for me.

Society teaches us not to trust ourselves. As children, we are told to obey our parents and teachers. As adults, we are taught to follow authority figures. Bosses, doctors, politicians… Anyone with credentials, anyone with a title, knows better than you do.

But little by little, through various life experiences, my unquestioning trust in authorities and credentials has been shaken, eventually crumbling to almost nothing, while my confidence in myself has grown. Every time “they” disappointed me and every time the wisdom of my own inner voice surprised me, the balance shifted a little.

When the men and boys who were supposed to protect me turned out to be violent.

When I knew there was something wrong with my body, but the doctors wouldn’t pay attention until I did my own research and demanded the tests that proved me right.

When I knew there was something wrong with the baby I was carrying, but they convinced me I was crazy and that baby is not here today.

When the promises of help amounted to nothing and I had to figure it all out on my own.

I still believe that most people in this world are good people who mean well. But there are genuine no-good assholes roaming among us as well. And even the good people who mean well are just winging it and don’t always know better.

I don’t hand out my trust for free anymore. My trust has to be earned. I question. I think for myself. I feel free to disagree.

I spent the first forty years of my life listening and following. For the next forty, I will speak up and I will lead.

I will be the leader of my own life.

0 notes