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The Reluctant Bride: Dressing The Part

'You're making your own dress???" These are the incredulous words I've heard from a number of people, and frankly, I'm not sure why that is so shocking. I mean, sure, I'd have my doubts too if I was just someone who does the occasional bit of curtain-hemming at home. That would be a train wreck that even I wouldn't want to witness.

But making clothing is my career. I sew pretty much every day of my life. One dress does not a disaster make* (*feel free to smush these words in my face like so much cheap wedding cake should the dress not work out due to fire, flood, acts of God or my cat. ) Anyway, it's not like I'm re-creating Princess Di's gown, and will need 13 train attendants just to keep it in motion. We're getting married outside, ferchristssake. I couldn't possibly trail around in the late September muck in a long, white, ruched, puffy eyesore. Also, and this may come as a shock to you....are you sitting down? Are you ready for this?

I don't do white. 

I know! I know, it's absolutely shocking that someone as sweet, shy and retiring as myself isn't what one would consider 'virginal', but here we are. (Pardon me while they grab the jaws of life to haul out the tongue that seems to be stuck in my cheek) As a matter of fact, soon after our engagement, I called my mother to tell her the news. After the initial excitement, one of the first questions out of her mouth was a slightly accusatory - "You're not wearing white, are you?" To which I answered a loud, firm negative. You could hear the relief in her voice. She may have raised a slut but at least she didn't raise a liar.  I got to thinking though, what if I'd considered purchasing a dress? What options are open to me? Let's have a look shall we?

  "Well excuuuuuuse me, Princess"  (serious nerd cred if you know where that's from) Ahhh, the princess dress. Fitted corset-y bodice, full skirt where tulle and netting goes to die. It's a pretty basic silhouette, but it's so boring! Why does it always seem that this is what they end up with on Say Yes To The Dress? How many millions of this exact dress are manufactured a year. Somewhere in Taiwan there's a warehouse just full of these.

 "Ruching, let me count the ways..." Oh how I hate ruching. It's a really hard detail to pull off effectively. All too often (as in the case of our model here) it ends up looking like, with the simple addition of a pull-cord, DRAPERY. If I hung girlfriend here on a curtain rod, she'd be right at home in a Rococo drawing room. 

Ruffles. The surest way to make any lady look like a white layer cake.  The only ruffles I like come in a bag, and I can dunk'em in french onion dip. And that's just the run-of-the-mill sample sizes! Lord help my plus-sized sisters! There's basically just one look available for you:

A shrug. Of course. Because obviously if you're a size 14 or larger, you're obviously  ashamed of your arms. After all, doesn't the Bible say: "Woe unto the larger bride who dares to bare her shoulders, for unto her a shawl shall be bestowed."?  I think it's somewhere in the back... So them's the breaks, and I didn't even touch on price. All of the above listed gowns retail between five and ...wait for it....TWELVE THOUSAND DOLLARS!!! Ow, my firstborn.

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The Reluctant Bride: So Much Fromage, So Little Time.

I'm turning into one of those bloggers who only writes posts about how I haven't written in a long time. There's really no excuse. The amount of time I spend aimlessly surfing ('surf'...really? Does anyone still use that term in regard to the internet? I may as well call it the 'world wide web' like my Dad.) Facebook, Twitter, Youtube, and back again in a meaningless loop is probably shameful.  There is a reason for my absenteeism, though. I'm designing a production of Macbeth that requires a lot of my time, attention and blood from my fingers. It's full of leather, studs and gas masks. I figure it's best to have a backup plan for the bridal party to wear, right?  But time, as they say, marches on, and the wedding planning continues. I can't tell you how often I get asked ".....soooooo  *meaningful grin*.....how's the wedd-ING???"   How's the wedding? You tell me. It hasn't happened yet. I realize folks are well-meaning when they ask this question, and outside of the few friends who are actively involved in the ceremony (who are really inquiring if I've had a complete mental meltdown, thrown out my original idea, and are now planning to have a fairy-tale princess wedding or such), most are either a.) asking out of politeness, and expect a "fine thanks", or b.) want the inside dirt on whether or not I'm fighting with the mother-in-law or if we'll indeed need to auction off our firstborn to pay for the damned thing.  The one thing everyone has in common is asking me when I'm writing another installment. I never thought you'd all like hearing me complain about crepe paper and doves as much as you do, so consider this my Sally Field-esque "You love me....you really love me!" .....or I'll just chalk it up to a big ol' healthy serving of schadenfreude.  Now that I've spent all that time on a big preamble, I'm going to have to get to work soon, so I'll just touch on a sampler menu of what to expect in the not so distant future: Vows - 'To have and to hold' or 'yeah I guess you'll do' ? From fruity and flowery to painfully prosaic. Running the gamut of what to say before the dearly beloved, why we're mixing old and new, and for the love of Pete, don't bore your guests with a soliloquy.  Shoes - Enough with the damned blue Manolos or, How I Spent Less Than A Fortune On My Feet.  Dress building - Why I won't trust anyone else with making my dress. (hint: bad taste gives me hives) It's all coming up, friends.  

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Additionally...

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David Mitchell can say this better than I...

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The Reluctant Bride: Flowers

Yes, it's been awhile. I've been busy* (*aka - at work 99% of the time, drunk the other 1%). But now it's spring, the date draweth nigh, and I have some time on my hands.

(Okay, actually I'm held hostage in my home while the guys doing our bathroom reno are taking their sweet time getting the toilet off the front lawn and back upstairs where it belongs. But any excuse to get some blogging done, am I right?) So D. and I recently took care of a really obvious one on our checklist the other day - the flowers. Next to the dress and invite list, this is a line item that's been known to make strong men cry. But we got through it pretty painlessly and within the space of an hour or so.  Since we're doing the deed outside, in the fall colors, the need for many dozens of urns throwing up flowery arrangements is a little null and void. So we decided on something  pretty for everyone in the party to wear, a bouquet and something for the tables. Easy peasy, I thought. Why does this have to be so hard? Well, upon looking through the many wedding flower books that there are, it's easy to see how bad taste can really err, flourish.  Ugly Flowers:

Why in the name of floral foam and spray glue would anyone want to use a Bird of Paradise in a bouquet? Stalky and pointy, this flower just says: I will nag you for the rest of your days. 

"...and the bride carried the ingredients for a cobb salad down the isle." TOO MUCH:

"...and I want lilies and daisies and snapdragons and mums and....and...ooh purple, gotta have purple, and pink....and..." Edit your choices, folks. Otherwise you end up looking like you swiped a handful from the garden on your way in. 

SO UNIQUE!

Call me traditional, but there's something about incorporating the exoskeletons of dead sea life into a wedding ceremony that doesn't seem particularly appropriate.   

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The Reluctant Bride: Groom Edition

Editors note: The following was written by my lovely, hilarious husband-to-be. It's pretty apparent why we're well-matched, huh? Enjoy!

  So. Hi there. It’s me, the groom, infiltrating the Reluctant Bride’s space for a moment of your time. A guest speaker, if you will. I thought we might have a look today at the traditional groom’s duties. I mean, aside from trying not to puke on your bride’s feet at the post-ceremony kegger. Obviously.

The Groom Advisor (groomadvisor.com) has a little pep talk / reminder for us before listing our duties. I thought I’d reprint a part of that here, to help us all get into the right frame of mind.

                “…realize that your life is only as good as her mood. When planning, just don't say ‘yes’ to everything… only most things. Interject your opinion here and there to show her you care. If all else fails, just say those three little words.”

Ah. Good. Women, and their decisions, are to be feared and kept at arms’ length. Nod and smile.

Googling ‘a Groom’s Duties’ turned up a peach of a site, lastnightoffreedom.co.uk, which offers this piece of wisdom before listing some duties “that will score major brownie points with the Mrs:”

                “And here it is, (the wedding day –ed.) the most nerve-wracking public occasion that any male faces in his lifetime, outside of circumcision or the Football League Play-Offs. Your first duty, and one not to be taken lightly, is turning up…”

Great. Men are commitment-phobic twits.

Now that we’re all feeling decidedly manly, here’s a breakdown of what, historically, the groom is charged with organizing for the wedding. -Choose a Best Man

- Organize the guest list - Attend your Best Man’s bachelor party - Pay for the wedding license, the officiator, the musicians, and anyone else rendering a service to be paid for immediately after the ceremony - Organize the honeymoon - Buy thank you gifts for the Best Man and ushers. - *Propose a toast. (After the master of ceremonies has toasted the Bride and Groom, the Groom rises, thanks the MC, and then proposes a toast to his Bride. He also responds to toasts to the bridal couple.) - *Cut the cake with your Bride (The groom usually holds the cake knife, with his Bride's hand poised on top of his.) - *Join your Bride for the first dance, then dance with various relations: first your Mother-in-law, then your Mother, then the Maid of Honor. 

Wow. Seriously, I looked for a solid hour to try and expand this list, and though there were a lot of helpful faux-duties, like ‘relax and enjoy your day’ and ‘get to the church on time’ that fall under the grand heading of DUH (wait… maybe the sites were serious about arriving on time… are men as a species really that unreliable?) that’s really all I could find.

I think we can categorize the above duties into two groups: the vaguely Ward-Cleaver-esque “I’m a Man, I take care of the money” group and the “I’m a Man – all I want to do is party” group. (It should be noted that any duties I’ve listed with an asterisk I do not actually consider duties. Dance? Cut a cake? Tell your bride you love her? Thank the attendees? How do these pass for duties? These are things I will do gladly, without having to be told, for FUN!

Frankly, I’m insulted. Websites, and it would seem, society as a whole, has lowered expectations for the groom to a nearly Neanderthal level. Though the masses may be, I am not interested merely in lazing about, tossing twoonies onto the strip-club stage, and saying ‘yes, dear’ in as distracted and non-plussed a voice as I can muster. I am an active participant in our wedding.

The more I read about what a traditional wedding entails, the more I’m glad that MB and I are doing it our way. We talk. We share our ideas, both good and bad. We remind each-other about deadlines. We budget together. We decide together. I like that I’m part of a team, and a damn good one. MB, I love you like PB loves J. (and I promise not to puke on your shoes after the post-ceremony kegger.) 

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The Reluctant Bride: April Winchell's Five Things.

Good morning friends. It's always a treat to do the morning email/Facebook/Twitter/Tumblr check and see that one of my favorite columnists has a new column  out!  http://www.brides.com/wedding-answers-tools/2011/02/April-Winchell-Column-8  Go forth and read. Then laugh. Then read her other columns. And laugh at those. Repeat as necessary.

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The Reluctant Bride: Photography Redux

Recently I posed the question "When was the last time I jumped for no reason at all?" in regard to this type of 'spontaneous' wedding photography. Well, apparently some people do jump for no reason at all. And it's damned cool. http://www.mymodernmet.com/profiles/blogs/the-girl-who-loves-to-levitate That is all. 

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The Reluctant Bride: Marriage Equality

Okay. You guys? This is actually a really cute story. Not to mention it's also a big two fingers to the utter bullshit that is Christian Anti-Gay  Reparative Therapy.  http://www.dallasvoice.com/true-romance-finding-love-midst-antigay-reparative-therapy-1064412.html But, my dear LGBTTTIQQ2SA (I know, right? If you don't know what it means, google it. The acronym has basically lost all meaning and now should just say "nearly everyone under the sun, if we all just told the damned truth about it". ) community, though you can't wed in many states, you are not immune from ridicule for the tackiness of your weddings. 

  Listen closely, because I am only going to say this once: DO. NOT. PUT. YOUR. BRIDESMAIDS. IN. CHOCOLATE. BROWN. SATIN.

And strapless at that. What you have here is a bunch of busty girls who are deathly afraid of slipping a nip out of the top of their poop-colored, satin sheath. Your friends hate you for this. They will only admit it, years later over margarita night.

  Your cake doesn't look like any cake I would ever want to put near my mouth, much less feed to my dog. This is clearly a case of the fake plastic-fondant cakes that are so popular on the tv shows these days. Personally, I apply the same logic to this problem that I do to the rest of my life: If I can't eat it, what's the point?  

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The Reluctant Bride: Photography

Oooh. This is a big one. The photos. Practically the only physical souvenir of the day. The one thing your children and your children's children can look at for years to come to snicker at your choice of footwear and haircuts. (Yeah, that'll happen. We all say it won't, but...c'mon...) Beyond the act of gaining a legally-wed husband and the food, this is the only thing I care about.  Photography is important to me, partly because I am one (a photographer, I mean), and partly because I am a memory-hound. I enjoy having my life properly documented.  I suspect a wedding counts as a rather big moment that you should, y'know, remember.  In shopping for a photographer, you'll look at a lot of photos of other people's weddings, and it becomes immediately apparent to me that there is a wedding photo formula that most photographers follow closely, as if they all just graduated from 'Wedding Poses 101' . Let's look at some, shall we?

Why is everyone jumping? Let me ask you this: When was the last time you jumped for any good reason? For any reason at all, for that matter. Much less IN UNISON. The thing I love best about this pose is how utterly natural it is. 

Can we all just agree to put a moratorium on the out-of-focus stuff? It's tacky and a bit sentimental looking. At least it's not for me. Wait...speaking of moratorium, are you two sitting on a TOMBSTONE? Is it at least someone you know? When I die, I'd like to be relatively assured that people won't do tacky crap like this on my grave. 

Yes. I realize nearly everyone has this in their wedding photos. It's a pretty shot, I'll give it credit for that. My criticism here lies in the staging of lacing up the dress. Having worked in wardrobe for, well, long enough now I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that this is NOT what it looks like when lacing anyone into anything, much less for the first (or second or third) time. There's a lot more tugging, and bracing oneself....and (usually) cursing. On a few memorable occasions, there have been tears. I hope everyone likes the photo of my mother struggling with my zipper next September, because that sounds more likely. 

The disembodied shoes, frankly, creep me out a little. I mean, what are you doing with her shoes? Is the bride cold and barefoot somewhere? Stop smiling like that. What happened to the bride, man???

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The Reluctant Bride: Theme Weddings

Medieval. Renaissance. Victorian. Cowboy. Gothic. Halloween. The Great Depression.  These are all theme weddings that I have had the joy of costuming. The mind reels at the endless possibilities that the act of adding dress-up to nuptials can provide.  However, the main question I find myself wanting to ask (okay, sometimes scream) at the couple is "Who the hell do you think you are?"  Example #1

SHREK.

I'm curious. Could we map, for a minute, the train of logic that brought you here? What is it you're trying to say with this theme? "Orgres need love too"? "It's not easy bein' green"? (Seriously, I shudder at the dry cleaning bill after this day). It sounds like something you thought was a really cute idea at the time, and as plans progressed it became distinctly less whimsical and more juvenile, but you'd rented the costumes and put down the deposit on the swamp, so there was not backing out now? Hmm? Am I warm? 

Example #2: KLINGON

Um. I don't really know how to say this, so maybe I'll put it in a way you can understand:

K'Plah, bitches. Example #3: "AMERICAN INDIANS"

The caption from the website is almost better than any commentary I can give to this photo. Ahem - "My wife loves her American Indians and always wanted to get married in America by an Indian Chief but decided that we would have it here in Perth so that we could have our family and friends help us celebrate so we decided on a Wild West Theme Wedding and 99% turned up in costume and it was a fantastic day and 1 we will really remember" 

Terrible run-on sentence aside, I love how the original poster points out that his wife "loves her American Indians" like most people love gardening or collecting Hummel Figurines. There's nothing quite as nauseatingly charming as watching a white suburban girl pretend she's Pocahontas.   

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I don't need no fucking iPhone. You can keep your Angry Birds and Grinder. I've got me a "Princess Phone Music Box Clock". 

Thanks LAB.

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This looks like a book. I sure hope it is. Is it a book about shameful sex? Sex with primates? Those orangutans sure do look wistful. Or...don't they always look like that? Found in Value Village - Lansdowne & Bloor location. Toronto ON Thanks to:Lindsay Anne Black   

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The Reluctant Bride: Brides.com

I can't possibly continue with the planning of our nuptials (I love that word, but only because it makes me titter like a schoolgirl) without a nod in the direction of Brides.com, and more specifically April Winchell of Regretsy.com fame. This sums up perfectly everything I'm trying to keep in mind about keeping it SIMPLE. Also, I loves me a fellow curmudgeon.  

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The Reluctant Bride: Invitations.

I cringe slightly at the word 'bridal' attached to anything. It usually conjures images of doves, bells, ribbons, white satin and dusty pink ruched everything. I'm home sick today, and out of curiosity, I started looking at invitations. It took approximately 30 seconds to decide that I will be designing any invites myself and printing them with my awesome, reliable printer-guy. I have more graphic design skills in my farts than most of these invitation designers have in their entire bodies of work.

Doves, bells and ribbons aside (which, believe me is a HUGE section of the invite industry), there's still a lot of crap out there. I googled "unique wedding invitation" a few minutes ago and these are the first things that come up: A message in a bottle? So obviously the first thing to come to mind is The Police, immediately followed by images of shipwreck, starvation, severe dehydration and sand in every imaginable bodily crevasse. Also, how am I supposed to mail this? Do I pay a ton in postage and risk having a letter carrier who will then blacklist me? Or should i just save myself the trouble and toss them all into the sea?  

"Oh it was such a memorable wedding. There was the distinct air of fish and mollusk in the air, and the bride flip-flopped down the aisle." Reaching beyond the poorly-hung framework of our singledom to create a symbol of our love only most tweens will understand. Two great things that go great together: Awkward straddling-a-bench engagement photos, and clipart! 

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The Reluctant Bride: It Begins.

So I'm engaged. Never thought I would be the type of girl to go from zero to engaged in a matter of months, but here we are. Ring on finger. Head Over Heels In Love. I've decided to use this exciting, life-altering time as a platform to explore all of the things I have hated and loved about weddings over the years. As a bit of background: I work in costumes. I once specialized in weddings and events. I've seen it all. From the traditional white, to Medieval knights and ladies, to a Depression-era...people make a lot of interesting (and sometimes downright heinous) choices when it comes to saying the "I Dos". Every couple says "Well, ours will be different". I'm not here to say that. I realize that Dan and I are not the first people to ever get married, nor are we the last. We're inevitably going to do some of the 'traditional' things. Much of it, however, we're going to bypass. This blog will feature chapters of The Reluctant Bride, chronicling my adventures as we wade through the hideous, the idiotic and the downright insane of wedding planning. To be clear: I am not reluctant to get married. I can't wait to make Dan officially and legally part of my family. I am, however, reluctant to be a capital-B-BRIDE.

These are my stories...

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Just Say NO

Just say no to rompers...because there's no reason to look like a slouchy, overgrown toddler.