nonesensegibberish - Tumblr blog

[nonesensegibberish]

Nine months

I guess my last post was nine months ago, or thereabouts. To make it easier for future-me: 9/21/24 is the current date. Do you remember? The 21st night of September? Im still alive. I wanted to say 'despite my best efforts', but that wouldn't be true. I've managed to keep from having any new attempts. Not even any cutting. Its good. I should be happy about that. I dunno. I feel like I should be happier. Thats what I was coming here to mumble and whine about. I'm better than I once was, truely. I'm doing more and more often... Maybe not in comparison to january. Maybe I was better in january... But I think I'm better than I was january of LAST year, at the very least. I have more friends than I once did, and closer ones at that. Ones that I dont feel like a burden around. I have FANS. Can you believe that? Honest-to-god *fans*. It feels like I should be closer to what I've always dreamed- than I ever have been before. So why do I still feel empty? I'm running out of HRT. My insurance is gone. I'm having to use crypto to buy DIY estrogen over a shady website. But some people, kind as can be, have chipped in to help me pay for it. God- the entire MONTH of august- I was given so much by people who are so kind. I gave incentive, sure. I made it feel like a transaction for my own sanity. But still. People liked me THAT much. So why do I feel unloved and useless? I'm 'working'. I'm doing decent things. I'm helping where I can. So why am I still a failure? I dont know. It feels like I'll never be meaningfully happy. It feels like nothing will ever truely go alright, or if it does I wont ever be able to appreciate it. It hasn't been all roses. This entire year has felt like non-stop strain and suffering. My dog is dead. My grandpa is dead. We have a new dog who I cant find it in me to love. My family is falling apart. I continue to be a drain, who cant work to save her life. I don't know. It feels like the slightest things set me off, now. A slamming door, a raised voice. I nearly exploded and broke down just from dropping some food. I'm getting constant headaches and tiredness. I don't know. I just want it to stop. I want things to go alright for a little while. I'll live. I will. I just hate myself sometimes, and this life I live. I want everything to be better. The happy days feel so temporary and slight. It is what it is. I dont know what I even am saying anymore. I dont know what the point of all this was- if it had one. I just want to scream into the void, but I don't want to bother anyone. Having a fanbase is kind of hard. I want to say things. I want to scream from the rooftops. I want to be allowed to be vulerable and drop my guard. I want to be able to vent my frustrations publicly. Thats why this is here, I guess. I don't know why you're reading this. In all likelyhood- no one else ever will. But YOU still are, me. You'll read this later down the line- some other day. Why. What do you get out of it? Will you be looking on with pity? Will you be a better person than I am right now? Will you be sad for the life you used to live? Or will you be looking with anger and frustration? Annoyed as I suck on my silver spoon, and cry at the taste of it? Is it worse? Are you worse off? Is life even harder? I hope it isn't. Im so sorry if it is. You deserve love. We both do. I hope Lexi is still tolerating us. I hope mom is always going to be healthy. I hope dad is better. I hope our friends still are our friends. I hope that you aren't the me that looks on with envy at who I am right now. I'm sorry that I'm not better. I'm sorry. I want to be, but I'm weak. Too weak. I want to be appreciative of what I have, but its never enough.

Do you still like Porter Robinson and tabletop games? Do you still have Jack, and Liz, and Sarah, and all the others? Do you love yourself? I hope you do. I hope you are everything I wish to be. ... If you're reading this, and you aren't me...? Well... Then I'm sorry. That must have been meaningless to you. But it cant be any less meaningful than any of the rest of this, can it...? I don't know. Maybe you get something out of it. Maybe it somehow helps. I hope it does. I hope you're doing okay, whoever you are. I hope the world is kind to you. I hope the world is kind to all of us.

Goodbye for now. Maybe I'll see you in 9 to 10 more months.

-A thing which is... 20% or 50% dying.

[nonesensegibberish]

10 months seem to have passed since I started writing here- if tumblr is to be believed.

I’ve started an actual journal that I semi-frequently update. One of the big motivators is that my girlfriend has access to it. That was my idea. I felt it would make me more willing to stick to it. It’s worked. so that's nice.

if you want to take up a diary and have someone yiu trust like that, then i reccomend doing the same. it isnt exactly for personal especiallly private thoights, but its good for someine like me who wants to track the days and have insight on how tjey were doing a month ago.

Don’t say I never give semi-useful advice, stranger reading my ramblings!

bjt thats akso regulated this blog yo thoughts anx rambkings which are unfit for that diary, or unfit to be viewed by anyone i know. shrug.

anyway. life keeps going on. ive made a good few more online friends. ive had high points and low points. such is life.

im in a bit of a rut right now, I claim seasonal depression and writers block as the main excuses. Still- I’m trying to keep busy. 30 min of reading a day. Keeping a garden. Taking up pickle making as a hobby. I’m living, in a sense of the word. I hope you are, too. Even if it’s hard and listless and colorless and sad. I hope you have small victories and things that make you smile despite that.

I think I’m only. Say. 20-30% dying right now, generally. Which isn’t too bad. I hope your number is lower. I hope everyone on this earth can enjoy something and live something decent as long as they care too.

Dunno why there’s so many typos. Keep fat-fingering buttons. Oh well. Goodbye for now.

[nonesensegibberish]

I should just. Stop being trans.  Like. It does me no favors. It feels like it only makes things seem worse or more dangerous for me.  I should have just stuck with my highschool desire to me a bi femboy.  I want to be a girl. I want to be treated like one. I want to embrace that side of me. I want to express that, have it be recognized, enjoy being the me I truely desire to be. But it feels like Ill always be facing and uphill battle, and im just tired. Im tired of so many things.  I hold so many strong beliefs, but it feels so pointless so much of the time. Like. None of those beliefs will ever overtake the opposites fighting against them. I have no way to influence that fight, really, and it always seems so one-sided.  I think that is probably a common viewpoint in lefties, though. You vs the whole world. Always out to get you.  And in some ways that isnt wrong. And I truely believe that vigilance is required to keep back truely horrible things that otherwise might slip through the cracks.  But i feel so tired. I just want to lie down and not think about all of it anymore. To just feel happy and fine with the status quo, convinced it will not affect me. I want that safety, even if its only perceived. I wish I could un-think a lot of things. Un-believe them. Dump everything that keeps me up at night down the memory hole. I dont mean that to disparage anyone. It truely feels like the proper way to be for those concerned with their mental wellbeing. More rewarding in some ways. It feels like that would be such a happier, easier existence. 

[nonesensegibberish]

I am very privileged   I feel like I had it a lot rougher back in school. Bullies and lack of meaningful social groups probably stunted me in some pretty big ways. But I made it through. And now. Well. While pretty much any real world friendships drifted away after I got out of school, I’ve managed to cultivate a good few groups and people online that I feel help me a lot. I am very fortunate to still have people I can confide in and enjoy the company of. Humans are social creatures, and im sure i could have turnt out much worse without that, even if some of those groups probably negatively affected me in other ways.  I am very, very fortunate to be devoid of real pressure in my life. Once my mental health hit the big declines, I have been very lucky for the kindness Ive been given to not be pushed into going back to work. Ive tried on a few occasions, but struggled each time. And I think, sometimes, that being allowed to focus on just trying to fix myself one day at a time, rather than having to worry about finances, has been a huge boon. I want to do better. I want to have the acting turn into a legitimate thing I can use to support myself or others. I want to do what I can to help things run smoothy at my house and assist the others there. But I keep failing at every turn. I lack any and all willpower needed to consistently be of use to people.  I think that has dragged me down even further. That idea that I am only being a drain and wasting those precious gifts- that they would be better served in the hands of almost anyone else. It makes me feel like a monster.  But. Its not like I can trade lives with someone else. And no amount of therapy or struggling has fixed my inability to persevere.  So. For now I just try my best to focus on my physical and mental health. Raise my confidence. Climb out of despair. Exercise. Create one healthy routine at a time. And just hope that it will get easier the more steps I take.  I dont want to be this way. It makes me feel terrible to be a leech on others. And if I dont have the courage or ability to take the final leap, so to speak, then all I can do it do what I can to try and change who I am into someone better.  I dont want all of this to be depressed ranting. I dont know. I try to impart some bit of hope into it all. I do think it is possible I get out the other end of this. It just feel very hard. Especially with how I cant help feeling the world around me is getting worse and more dangerous for people like me. 

[nonesensegibberish]

Its hard to escape the idea that my life will very likely not amount to much. That isnt a very defeatist idea, in my opinion- just the most likely outcome. Most people do not meaningfully affect that many other’s lives, and few are probably in good ways.  I want to try and make people happy and tell stories that make people feel things. Thats why I became an (amateur) actor. But the chances I get a big break AND that break leads to something actually influential to someone, instead of the hundreds of thousands of disposable media that is produced every day. I dunno. Seems slimmer, still. But its not all bad. I probably won’t negatively affect many other people much. Though I do worry that I hurt the people I do actually care about. I think thats why Im also drawn so heavily to activism or self sacrificial fantasy. In theory, I do not care that much if I get hurt doing something, so long as I dont get stuck unable to push the final eject button, so to speak. If I could put myself in the way of a bullet, and that helps someone else- I feel like i’d feel good at the need of the day. Who knows how id act in an actual panic-filled situation, though. I tend to freeze up, really. So its all really ‘in theory’. But still. I want to protest, I want to fight, I want to speak up. Because if I can take the place of someone more scared who has more to lose- while still getting things done at the end of the day- I feel happy.  I feel like I don’t care if I bite the bullet, so long as it means something. I feel like thats a chance you wouldn’t get often

[nonesensegibberish]

One more thing. This does bring up one of the more interesting ways ive half-heartedly made an attempt.  Metaphysical suicide is something Ive thought about a lot. Loss of self.  I know quite a few people with ‘tulpas’ or ‘alters’. And I myself have always been interested with hypnosis for many reasons. So I’ve begun to understand that the human mind is capable of doing quite a lot of remarkable things when it believes hard enough.  Your brain and your mind are the only thing that creates the concrete ‘you’ that experiences the world. You cannot necessarily change the outside world with it- outside of the limited actions your human body is able to make.  But if your perception of reality and the world around you changes- then for all intents and purposes, it is the same thing. If your mind truly believes there is a brick wall in front of you, then it can create the sensations of touch and urge you that you cannot push your hand through it. If you can force or trick your mind into believing something, then your mind can fill in the gaps required to make it appear so. So long as you can find the logic you personally require, then some limited impossibilities become possible. Such as inducing hypnotic triggers through only instruction, or construction a limited personality aside your own. That is a whole lot of words to say very little, the TLDR of which is: “Man. You sure can trick yourself into believing a lot.” So what if I could push myself into altering my own personality. Or creating a new one, and allowing it to supplant ‘me’.  People more involved and smarter than me have described creating ‘tulpas’ or separate alternate personalities with their own memories or way of being. And even if they sound silly- so long as they believe in their existence, then that is all the mind needs to make them real for that one person. So if I could create one who is able to cope with the world. Or remove the deficits in myself that cause me to be at odds with the world around me, and wish to not be within it? Then my ‘body’ could live on without my own mind having to deal with it. I could give birth to something new- better even, and attain my own goal.  I am still around, so it didnt really work as such. The main thing, probably, is that I eventually stopped putting my all into it- as I do with most projects. I still think it could be possible, but requires too much effort and dedication for me to accomplish at the moment.  It wasn’t completely useless, though. For a long time I’ve recognized that my own personality can be fairly evenly distributed into sets of traits that make up the bulk of how I act. I think everyone has that, even if they dont think on it. One of those triangle diagrams where each end represents an extreme, and most points often align somewhere in the middle that contains varying levels of each. Throughout your day you slide along that diagram, embracing more or less of certain traits depending on your situation and company.  This line of thinking lead to me identifying that diagram within myself a bit more. I had unknowingly made OC characters for many of them, actually- out of the desire to portray different aspects of myself over time. And while I do not think I have developed true ‘Alters’ or ‘tulpas’, I find myself more easily able to embrace those different parts of myself- even forcing myself to adopt more or less of certain aspects when needed. Becoming more of an ‘avatar’ of that set of traits within myself, than normal.  It has helped me, sometimes, in times when I need to focus or cope or calm down- to be able to push myself into certain lines of thinking and behaving, or even certain moods or attitudes, through imagining myself letting some other ‘side’ of me take over for a time.  Maybe this will be useful to someone else one day. I dont know. I do not write this for anyone in particular. I dont pretend anyone will find my ramblings particularly interesting- im not so vain to think that I am coming upon some kind of great revelations that the world must hear. I do this more for myself so that I can let these thoughts out, and maybe come back to them at some point. If someone finds them and takes interest on their own accord, somehow, good for them. I dont really care.

Hi

Decided I had a lot of thoughts that i didnt want to just keep stewing inside me. Why not dump it somewhere. Feels like less of a waste. 

[nonesensegibberish]

I think a lot about death. Moreso now that I’ve lost a pet that I care deeply for. I have a view of her grave outside of my window. I will always feel like it was my fault.  It wasnt the first time ive experienced death. My grandma has passed, and not long ago my aunt joined her. I remember feeling very concerned by how little either affected me. But two weeks ago or so I realized that I am still able to feel that kind of pain. I guess I just didnt really like either of them all that much. Which is understandable. I hardly knew the aunt, and the grandma I only ever can remember negative experiences with. But whatever. Neither here nor there. Death itself doesn't necessarily scare me. I believe most of my worst fears involve lack of death, really. Paralyzation. Disfigurement. Suffocation. Situations where death is either very slow, or you lose your ability to make the choice of achieving it. Life is a much more scary thing, because I know what life is, and I know that it can hurt.  I am not religious, I do not particularly believe that anything happens after death. Everything I personally know would suggest that once the final neuron in your brain stops firing, you no longer have to deal with existence in any form, since that is the limit of our knowledge of existence. Who knows- maybe there is more. When you are dead, though, you have nothing further to worry about. You've done all you can. Other people, expectations, pain, loss, regret, and worry are no longer applicable, even if there is an afterlife. You have lost your obligation to interact with any of it. I find myself quite envious of that. I think I am on my 4th or so attempt on my own life, though do not worry. I do not plan on trying again for the foreseeable future, it just isnt worth it. One wrong move in an attempt, and you could find yourself unable to make those kinds of decision anymore. Either through becoming paralyzed, getting hospitalized, or failing in a more serious way, and being forced to do it slower than anticipated. Those attempts have consequences that, if you fail, you will be stuck with forever. I will probably carry the scars on my left arm for the rest of my life- because I was an idiot and decided self harm was a good way to release emotion. One wrong move, and now they’re permanent, and I have to look at them whenever I turn my head.  So now I just wait. i dont know what to do anymore. I try to distract myself- find things I can enjoy and immerse myself entirely within them so that other thought take a backseat. But occasionally they will pop back into my head. I will remember that, eventually, my parents will grow old. I will become responsible for ensuring their lives run smoothly and are comfortable. Eventually they will die, and I will have to pick up the pieces.  Eventually Ill grow old. Ill be unable to take care of myself effectively. Ill be forced to either slip away quietly in some hole somewhere, or place myself on others as a burden. I likely wont have kids. I dont know who would be there for me at the end. Maybe a lover, if Im lucky. But even if I do find real love, it is just as likely they may go first.  I am quite selfish, in this way. It is another deep fear of mine to be the last one left standing. I dont want to be the one at the end of it all- the only one left to hold onto the emotions as everyone else gets to rest. THAT is why I dont want to live a long life- or atleast one of the reasons. I dont really want to stop living right now, but I also dont want to reach that point where the people close to me start going away, and I start to find myself failing aswell. There is a very ‘practical’ part of me that demands that I pick some kind of cutoff point where I just. Do not allow myself to go further. I havent reached that yet. I dont know when I will- maybe ill reconsider at some point. But for now, I live in fear of that day, or that day it becomes too late to make that choice on my own. 

Hi

Decided I had a lot of thoughts that i didnt want to just keep stewing inside me. Why not dump it somewhere. Feels like less of a waste. 

[nonesensegibberish]

Hi

Decided I had a lot of thoughts that i didnt want to just keep stewing inside me. Why not dump it somewhere. Feels like less of a waste.