noomir - Tumblr blog

noomir · 1 year

Text

in another life

it's my pleasure to announce my latest participation in @peachsayshi 's collab “Colour me”, a very aesthetic and soul-touching one, if I might say so

Fandom: Chainsaw Man - SPOILERS for anime-onlys Pair: Aki Hayakawa x Himeno Word count: 4.4k

☄. *. ⋆ blue palette - a sense of tranquillity; calming & cold; but sadness bleeds through

warnings: memory loss; angst; smoking; resurrection; blood mentioned; trope: friends to lovers

"How much are you willing to sacrifice for her?"

"Everything, Aki responded without a trace of hesitation."

"Yourself included?"

"No, I have to be here and take care of her."

"Then take care of her. If she dies first again, you will suffer the consequences."

Demons were a daily bother for Aki, although one he handled easily, a habit by now. Kishibe warned him not to mess with the angels, however, the way Aki saw it, it was the only chance he had to get Himeno back. And there he was now, speeding through the aisles of that abandoned warehouse, looking for her. The more steps and breaths he took, the more he thought of a way to get back at the creature, this time with the sword out of its sheath.

A rustle caught his attention, baiting him to a corner he missed before. On the floor, among ripped cardboards, a body lay curled. Light fell through a hole in the wall, bathing the woman's skin as if she had fallen from Heaven. Aki's eyes filled with tears by the time he reached her side. He warded off the blush on his face by hiding her nakedness under his coat. His hands grabbed gently at her shoulders and under her knees, lifted and hid her at his chest.

Himeno hadn't returned from the dead. She was reborn. There was no trace of her contracts with demons, nor of any of the tragedies her mind and soul went through. It took her a while to accept Aki's made-up explanation, that she had been robbed and knocked cold; after all, he was a male stranger in whose bed she woke up naked and who pretended to know everything about her. She couldn’t remember anything at all, her mind was only a white canvas, no spots of old or recent memories, no self-acquired habits stored in synapses, nothing but the automatic human functions: breathe, talk, walk, eat…

For Aki as well, it was difficult to be his normal self around a Himeno who had no recollection of who she was, who he was, or really… anything at all. He re-told her the same made-up story when she woke up some hours later, trying his best not to act too happy for her presence, too relieved that she is once again alive and well in front of him. As much as his memories and feelings were intact, emphasised now if not, Himeno’s were gone as if they never existed. The love she had nurtured for him, the one he found out about from Himeno’s letters to her sister, was now gone and he could not do anything about it.

Once Himeno got somewhat accustomed to the reality, her new life began. It consisted of waking up on a schedule, despite not needing to be anywhere in the morning, but Aki's alarm across the hallway pulled her from her dreams. Not even during the night's unconsciousness Himeno remembered anything from her past life, nor from the other side. She was merely a human now, deprived of her previous abilities. She learned from Aki that they had been best friends before she died — and it wasn't a lie — and that they shared the apartment to lower the rent for both of them — this was a lie, though one required in order to keep Himeno safe. She ate, sometimes cooked, for the love of it, not necessarily for Aki, she watched TV and read books. At first she didn’t understand why Aki wouldn’t let her leave the house on her own, however something deep inside her assured her she could trust that boy. Thus, she waited for his return every late afternoon, so they could go on a walk.

On some of the days when Aki didn’t go to work, their interaction upped from the good morning, enjoy your meal, I’m heading out, hey, welcome back, to an (un)pleasant cascade of questions from Himeno to Aki, to which he had a hard time answering. The first time it happened, Himeno jumped straight to the core with “who am I?” and as much as Aki tried to give his answers from the safe area, Himeno pressured him. He didn’t crack, though, for he knew he was not supposed to tell her the truth — it was one of the rules when one comes back to life. Aki’s answers were elusive, full of gaps, and it didn’t take the girl much to understand that he preferred not to talk about the past. His or hers. She accepted not to bother Aki anymore with the topic, even though the lack of self-knowledge harmed her soul.

When they were together, the two still talked. Mostly about the new things Himeno discovered about herself — likes and dislikes, daily skills etc., which Aki always confirmed as being similar to her previous self — but also about Aki’s day. They enjoyed the scenery, on the street or from the balcony, they watched TV together and that was kind of all about their life together. For Himeno it began feeling right; and since she felt completely safe around him, it became the new natural order. She enjoyed each day as it was, unknowingly being protected by the boy from the ruthless world of demons.

Aki, though, went to sleep with his heart heavier every night. The muffle he wore was getting tighter and tighter with each thing Himeno found out. She rummaged through the apartment to pass the time and found bloody shirts. She didn’t ask about them but she took off the stains, knowing Aki will see. While she had decided not to ask him anything anymore, she could still make him talk. What she didn’t know was that lying didn’t come easy to Aki and that the more he hid from her and tried to muster out made-up explanations weighted on his conscience. He knew he must not cave in, for both their sakes, but it was getting absurd.

The day when Himeno googled herself and found her social media, Aki snapped. It had been a good thing that she did it at the morning coffee, so he was there to see and stop the upcoming disaster in time. They fought that day. He snatched the phone from her and deleted the account without a second thought which baffled and angered Himeno on the spot. Why would he do such a thing? That might’ve been her only chance to actually learn something from her past, to get in contact with loved ones who were probably very concerned about her. And he simply cut that off for good. She almost packed the few things that she owned with the intention to walk out of that apartment forever, had Aki not caught her wrist and pulled her to his chest. He couldn’t promise to tell her the truth if she stayed, he couldn’t make her stay in any way other than locking her in, and neither of those was a good option.

“I need you to trust me, Himeno,” he said.

Her wrist was being gently held, not like a restraint; her body met warmth and an agitated heartbeat at Aki’s chest; his voice was low but desperate, and didn’t sound like a threat at all. Aki was not holding her hostage, she knew that, she felt that, but all the secrecy was scaring her. He had never done her any wrongs, never asked anything from her — material or physical — therefore she started to believe that he hid things from her in order to protect her. But from what?

“I don’t. But I will stay.”

After that day, they didn’t talk anymore. Aki continued the greetings, called her to dinner, asked her if she needed anything from the store or if she was up for a walk. But she never answered. They lived together, but rarely met. There was a solid reason for that too, at least in Himeno’s opinion. If she couldn’t find anything about herself, she could try and learn who Aki Hayakawa was. Of course, she had to do her research the old way, since she didn’t have access to a phone anymore. Even though Aki didn’t leave her a front door key, Himeno found a way to sneak out. She quickly learned that, in fact, she possessed some unconscious physical abilities when she climbed down from the balcony, to the fire exit staircase, all the way to the pavement, without a sweat. For a moment she tried to guess what her job had been, but nothing other than fire department or military came to mind, and she didn’t see herself having such a job. She considered going to the police station and asking about him, but on what account would they give her information? Even more, wouldn’t they become suspicious of why she was asking? Was she endangered by that man? Or was she trying to cause him harm? Police station was not a good idea. She remembered the high-school she saw in her bio. She could go there and ask about him, maybe they have been classmates. But what if they went to different schools and no one knew a thing about him there? Another futile idea.

As she walked around to shake her brain, Himeno realised she could go to the library and google him on a computer. Not knowing where the library was wasn't such a big deal. She stopped the first youngster she met and asked about the library. It came as a surprise for her that she needed to ask several high-school-looking teenagers in order to find one that actually knew where the library was, “that place with many books you can borrow?” Once there, Himeno had to register for a permit. Good thing it didn’t cost much, and it only needed a name, age, occupation and a photo taken on the spot. Since she only knew her first name, she used Aki’s last in order not to alarm the librarian.

Hayakawa Himeno, 21 years old, college student at that university she passed by earlier, stared at her silly face in the permit photo. She had been told to keep eyes wide open but maybe she overdid it. The computers’ room was not very big yet she found an empty spot. She was grateful for the person who left the front page of the browser open and also for how easy it seemed to search for something online.

“Public Safety Devil Hunters” was the organisation Aki worked for. Himeno spent a good amount of hours reading about that organisation, its duties and task force. She had a hard time processing the information and registering it as true. She even asked the person at the desk nearby and the plain unrehearsed answer she received that “they’re like police but for demons that appear from time to time” turned Himeno’s whole (small) world upside down.

So was that blood his or devil blood? Himeno asked herself on the way back home. She climbed up the same way she got down, and went to her bedroom, where Aki would check first thing when he got back from “work”. Something didn’t add up, though. He left at the same hour every day. He was never late after work. He never seemed affected by anything, was he really hunting devils from 9 to 5? It was stupid and improbable but she checked multiple times if the information she found was legit. Unluckily, it was. As she lay on the bed, eyes fixed on the ceiling fan, Himeno wondered whether Aki kept her inside to protect her from devils or was she a devil and he didn’t want her to get caught by other devil hunters? The thought was stupid enough to make her laugh, but everything seemed suddenly possible.

How does a devil look, anyway? How does a devil feel? She had never felt any urge to do something bad or kill Aki or any human; she couldn’t be a devil. And if devils appeared sometimes and out of nowhere, how was Aki so sure she was safe in that apartment? A myriad of new questions spun in her head with such speed she considered writing them down so she wouldn’t forget them. But would she be able to ask Aki for the truth?

“Hey, I’m back. I brought pizza if you want,” Aki said from down the hallway. His voice made Himeno jump right up. What if he was a devil? A very evolved one with a plan and a clear goal, who was keeping her there to… to… to what? She had been there for a couple of months and nothing seemed off about Aki, well… anything other than the usual weird stuff she grew accustomed to.

“Pepperoni or cheese?” She asked from her room.

It had been a long time since he heard Himeno’s voice, so long that Aki got used to not receiving a response, and now that she did respond, he needed a moment to contain his joy. He thought about telling her to come see for herself, as a joke, but he changed his mind. He had no right to wish Himeno to like him.

“Pepperoni.”

After a few minutes, Himeno came to the kitchen. She was wearing a long hoodie over a shirt and sweatpants. She opened the pizza box and smiled. It was indeed with pepperoni. Her eyes flipped to Aki when he handed her a plate.

“What’s this for?” She asked

“You’ve been eating in your room lately.”

The way the boy had accepted her wishes and actions without a question and complied with them even as she appeared to have changed her mind made Himeno feel warm inside. There was no way Aki was a bad guy. She offered him a brief smile, grabbed the whole pizza box and walked out of the kitchen.

Aki rubbed his forehead with two fingers, instantly foreseeing two possible outcomes: him going to sleep hungry or eating some scraps from the fridge. However, instead of hearing the door to Himeno’s room, he heard her shouting from the living room.

“Bring some napkins when you come.”

That evening was tense. They sat on the tatami, face to face across the table, and ate pepperoni pizza in silence. The TV noise was low in the background and the balcony door was open to let the summer breeze in. Himeno didn’t say anything about what she had learned but there was a slight change in the way she looked at Aki. And he noticed it. However, he didn’t say anything either. He didn’t know what was left to talk about, or whether it wouldn’t be pathetic to do small talk while the elephant in the room stole the entire oxygen.

When she was done eating, Himeno lay on her side on the floor, looking nowhere, letting her eyes defocus as she let her thoughts run about. A colourful bookcase on the little shelf under the TV managed to catch her attention. She reached and grabbed it, curious of its content, and failed to see the sad smile in the corner of Aki’s lips. He watched her open what was in fact a photo album and sipped from his sake as he waited for the questions. Pretty much water flowed under the bridge as Himeno inspected the first pictures. She managed to recognize young Aki and figured the other people were his family. She didn’t ask what happened to them, she had a feeling something bad did so it would have been mean to scratch old wounds. The next photos raised some suspicions. A blonde boy and a blonde girl, both somewhat peculiar looking. Were those devils? Why were there pictures with them and Aki smiling? Were they friends? Was Aki a devil too after all? Were the two dead? Some of the pictures were taken in that very living room, so why were they not there anymore? Nevertheless, she kept the questions to herself. She stole a glance at Aki but he seemed to pay attention to the photos in her hands more than to her. He seemed sad.

The next photo that showed up contained Himeno. A certain Himeno the girl did not quite recognize. Her hair was shorter, she was wearing a suit and had a patch on her right eye. She was hugging Aki really tight and was blushing, while Aki was smiling. For a moment she thought that maybe there had been something more between them. The next photos showed both of them surrounded by other people dressed alike. And in another one, Himeno was hugging the two people she assumed to be devils. What was going on?

Aki watched her look at the photos in silence. He saw her brows narrow down and her lips part as to voice concerns which were left hanging. He sighed when she sat back up and put the photo album on the table. He was not allowed to answer her questions but he could guide her indirectly to figure everything out on her own. It was about time the truth resurfaced for he felt she was slipping away from him. His job — the one he swore himself into — was keeping Himeno safe, alive and happy. If she didn’t trust him, if she hated him and wanted to leave, she would be exposed to danger and they would both suffer.

When Himeno finally looked at him, Aki braced himself. She offered a gentle smile which looked surprisingly honest and that was all. Himeno closed the photo album, got up and headed to bed. She said goodnight on her way and smiled briefly to herself as she sensed the confusion in the boy’s voice when he responded. During that night, she put the pieces together, creating an image in her head, a possible story of her past which she didn’t know whether to wish it confirmed or not. Aki must’ve had his reasons for keeping her in the dark and, as angry as she had been the past few days, Himeno felt the strange sense of security once again. Somewhere close to dawn, the girl’s mind flew right back at the photo with Aki and her. It was obvious that she had had feelings for Aki and seeing a square, vividly coloured proof of it triggered those emotions. Himeno laughed at herself between the sheets, only now understanding all those fleeting moments when she caught herself looking at Aki for a bit too long, sniffing his perfume off of his clothes as she folded them, wishing he returned home sooner. Her brain might’ve lost the access to her memories, but the heart appeared to have its own hard drive.

To some extent, Aki was relieved he didn’t have to set his dangerous plan into motion. On the other hand, he was concerned about Himeno’s next step. He went to sleep that night and, before he could fall asleep, he had to fight off some tears caused by recalling those days as Himeno swiped through photographs. Next morning, he acted as usual, hoping not to be asked anything.

Once awake, Himeno remembered her entire train of thoughts during the night and, as she let herself drawn by the smell of coffee, she pondered whether to get closer to Aki. Or, maybe she could show the slightest bit of interest and he would come? Maybe they were a couple before she lost her memories but he didn’t want to force things on her, given how confused she was.

“Morning,” she said in a much more honey-layered voice than usual.

“Good morning,” Aki answered and turned to the cupboard to grab a cup for her.

Perhaps last night lasted longer, or perhaps time went in reverse, in any case, even though she could still not remember anything, Himeno felt a big batch of butterflies flapping their wings in her stomach once her eyes laid on Aki. And they weren’t the anxiety butterflies from when she slipped out of the apartment, or when she lied about her identity on the street. It was a feeling she recognised even though she “never” had it before in that life. Within a few steps, Himeno was behind Aki. She wrapped her arms around his torso and pressed her cheek on his shoulder blade. Aki took a deep breath and lowered his hand from the cupboard to touch Himeno’s.

“Everything alright?” he asked plainly while having a million thoughts per second.

“I’m your girlfriend, am I not?”

He could’ve said yes; he could’ve made up a whole story, one good enough to keep her from asking more questions about her past; he could have totally rebuilt her past. But it’s Aki we’re talking about.

“No, you’re not.”

“It seems my heart says otherwise,” Himeno mumbled on his shirt. “I think I used to have feelings for you back then and the amnesia turned them dormant,” she continued. “They are back now, I believe.”

Breathing sounds spiced the silence that followed. They remained embraced for a while, but then Aki poured the girl some coffee and took them both to the table.

“Do you have any feelings for me?” Himeno asked, feeling more and more awkward.

“I have a lot of different feelings for you.” Aki grabbed his pack of cigarettes and the coffee and went out on the balcony.

Himeno followed. “Like what?”

“It started with admiration, then we became friends, then I learned about your feelings. Then I lost you and felt empty and now I’m happy you’re here with me.” Aki knew he was vague and that he switched the order of the events, but he had to make sure he didn’t actually say anything about her past.

“How did you lose me, Aki?”

It was getting dangerous, as Aki foresaw. He lit a cigarette and went on with the only plan he had. “Someone took you from me.”

“Did I cheat on you?” she asked, suddenly disgusted that she would be able to do such a thing. Aki shook his head. “Did I get kidnapped?” she tried again, growing more concerned. “Did I die and got resurrected or what?” It was getting absurd, so Himeno laughed, but when her eyes met Aki’s glare, a tight knot formed in her guts. “That’s… just as impossible as devils and devil hunters,” she concluded.

When he finished his cigarette, Aki returned inside without a word. He got dressed in his uniform but today he allowed his badge to be seen outside his pocket. When she walked him to the door, Himeno saw it. She turned it on all sides to check its authenticity, then looked into Aki’s eyes. He remained silent and walked out the door like that. The only difference was that now Himeno would have a lot more to think about during the day while he had to do everything in his power not to think about it.

Devil hunter or not, brought back from the dead or not, Himeno was sure of one thing and one thing only: the warmth she felt when Aki entered the apartment, alive and well, evening after evening. Across the next week, Himeno posed one question here, one question there, in a smart enough way so that Aki could reply only in yes’s or no’s. The girl figured he was not allowed to tell the truth, but he could confirm or deny facts. Aki remained careful in his answers, he did not help Himeno put the pieces together, so when most of the truth was out in the open, he was relieved the girl did it by herself. There was no more tension between them, he didn’t have to hide everything anymore and he could finally give in to those feelings that stirred him ever since he learned about Himeno’s way of seeing him, well, at least the Himeno from before.

The tsck! of the soda can pulled Aki from his thoughts. It was late at night, yet it was too warm to stay inside. He had been sitting on the balcony for a few hours, a bunch of cigarette buts lay next to him in the ashtray. Himeno leaned into the door frame and sipped from the can. She couldn’t sleep either, but it wasn’t solely the heat’s fault. There was a pressure on her chest that only unspoken feelings could cause. Instead of taking the other chair, the girl sat on the floor tiles, and rested her head on Aki’s knee. They sat in silence for a while, both reluctant to speak their minds.

Life was good the way it was, complicated and rather unsafe, but it was alright. Confessing was on his mind, he couldn’t deny it, but it felt better to leave things as they were. Himeno, on the other hand, felt differently. She turned her head to look up at the boy and smiled. When her lips touched his knee, she didn’t stop from kissing the skin. Her gesture surprised Aki and he blushed a little.

“I may be wrong since I don’t remember anything, but I have a strong feeling that the love I have for you is an old one.” Accelerated heartbeats, deep, slow breaths and avoided eye-contact suggested Himeno the opposite of what she had hoped for. “I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable, Aki, sorry,” she added, removing herself from his proximity by standing up.

“You didn’t. I just never thought I’d hear those words from your mouth directly.”

“What words?”

“Love. You.”

“Did I tell them to you before?”

“No, but I wish you did.”

“Well, I’m doing it now. I love you.”

Himeno talked casually, despite her own panicked heart. Aki’s eyes widened and he stood up slowly. Just a bit taller, when he stopped in front of her, their noses almost touched. He remembered they used to recklessly invade each other’s personal space all the time. How come he had been so blind to Himeno’s intentions and feelings? His hands caressed her bare arms and when she mellowed in his touch, Aki spoke.

“I love you too.”

His body kept Himeno in the shadows, safe, protected, just as he had promised and as he had done so far. An addition to that safety was the love he was able to offer her now. When their lips met, Himeno felt at home and Aki felt free of a burden he had not been aware of. Aki had wished to find Himeno in another life, where they could love each other. Somehow, his wish came true.

#Yall this is so well written plz read 🥺#Himmy my babyyyy #honestly if himmy lives aki would just quit public safety to take care of her 24/7 #aki still gives single mom energy even if Himeno lives lmao

30 notes · View notes