nora-murphysblog

[nora-murphysblog]

I guess I'm missing school for nothing because my mom is a shitty parent and can't get up for a needed dental appointment.

[nora-murphysblog]

Everybody wants me to do everything and do it all at once like I've haven't even been able to sit down or use the restroom in fucking peace because I have to bring up the garbage and clean cat shit because of the kitten then I'll have to make sure I understand vocabulary and maintaining my grades with my clubs and acting like everything is fucking going great as Everytime I'm at school I always get a headache

[nora-murphysblog]

Why do I be a nice person when all I get in return is shit. My ex who SA me is in one of my classes, one of my favorite classes just hearing his name got me shaking The whole time. Then my other ex my most recent sat at the same lunch table and acted like we were never really anything. Then at the gym this guy assumed I vaped and was depressed because I don't stay that much in shape and I get out of breath easily from my mom. I was about to cry but it was too public and I didn't give them my time. Luckily tho my mom let me walk home with my friend so she didn't as how was my dad and I'll have to talk about my feelings. I don't even have any friends in gym class

This guy doesn't know me just assuming things about me that are true. He doesn't know I don't do vapes smoke or weed because my stepdad was getting quicker to death or how I've never been diagnosed with depression but I might've had it before because my dad's were dying. I'm sick and tired of trying to be nice to everyone and all I get in return is constantly bullying like I'm not a fucking human being that exist.

[nora-murphysblog]

So, at my school you can only wear one pollo or jacket the school was very cold so I went to the room that keeps all their clothes just in case there's an accident like you vomit or something. So I got a jack that the top was grey and had the texture to protect from the rain and the bottom is black. I went there my day with nobody telling me I can't wear it but. But when it was the end of the day a student from my gym class was like "dress code" like bitch there were other people in that gym wear jackets and hoodies too so I don't know what he's going on about

[nora-murphysblog]

The first day of school was fun, I knew where everything was and I was in class with some of my friends but now it's the second day of school and my best friend who was begging to be in a public school now doesn't want to because they think it's exhausting which I understand but they are fucking them and my mom up by not going to school

That and when my mom got upset she wanted me to wake them up as if I can fix everything while I tried to calm my sister down who had the baby because she always finds a way to be violent

[nora-murphysblog]

I really am an idiot to think someone could ever love me. The boyfriend that I come to when I need someone to talk too. And he's the only person I have ever opened up to and I just keep fucking everything up.

And now he's my ex again

[nora-murphysblog]

Why am I alive when nobody cares about my feelings or opinions like I'm only there for the person's convenience. And I'm stupid too. I can't even spell words I'm bad at math and don't understand science history is confusing and I can't read stuff sometimes why am I even born in this world just to get pushed around every single day. i always have to be the one who texting people making sure they still know I exist and if they still even care about me. I know damn well if I was gone from this earth not a lot of people would remember my fucking name.

[nora-murphysblog]

I feel like shit because I started my period and slept on my neck wrong. I have to watch my sister's niece when she's probably smoking fucking weed and I'm sick and tired of getting pushed around like I'm just only there when it's convenient for someone and I can't be bad or tell her no I don't want to because I know she's just going to guilt trip me into doing it.

[nora-murphysblog]

We fed the tray cats that came around our house and we also named them. Well there's this black and white one we all call Lincoln because they look super old well the last time I saw him a poran of his jaw was showing now he came by again with a wound in the same spot that looks fresh too and Everytime he comes by it's on the weekend so we can't take him to safety

[nora-murphysblog]

I'm pretty sure my sister is just making up reasons to not help her child. This morning see told me if I could feed her daughter because her tummy hurts and right after just eats her Takis and listening to tiktok. And she eats dairy products knowing she is going to be in the bathroom for hours on end. And she does this thing where she's all like "but look (my niece's name) loves you" and just hands me her daughter like I know what the fuck I'm doing.

My sister is doing the same thing that happened to her, on me again. Because my other sister had a child and did the same thing. Also she since my siblings are on my mom side as a tenacious to use their power of being oldest to boss people around.

It's annoying, she knows I'm a people pleaser and still uses me over and over and over again.

[nora-murphysblog]

WHAT MENTAL ILLNESS AM I TALK ABOUT?

I, go outside, I say "I got this, today ain't so bad" but I haven't taken my meds in a while. As I tell myself I don't need it, it only makes my feelings numb. I went to the store and I was scared but that's why I made my friends to go with me.

A lady came up to us as they talked my voice is low and quiet like a skittish person but I'm really not. Everyday at school I yearn for a new friend, yet scared for trying as I just go home knowing I'll never change what I can't control.

I lay awake as the sun has set. Long gone at this point. My brain wonders but not in away as a brain with imagination. I hear thoughts nobody told me. I tell them and I believe. I cover my ears wishing for the thoughts to disappear.

Note: this ain't a true story but some parts are mashed into one

[nora-murphysblog]

Is my sister a bisexual transphobic?

She was once a lesbian who mostly dated trans men and she makes jokes calling my two trans sisters, build a bears, Transformers and what not. And mostly every time people who are trying to be supportive calling them by the name they chose but she'll correct the person and use the dead name say if they still have their born private part than their still that dead name until then.

Note: it's hard for me to correct her because she's my sister and she's older than me and low key I don't want to get on her bad side ever.

[nora-murphysblog]

Should I start a podcast with my best friend? Me and her always just come up with the most insane conversation without meaning too.

So should I?

[nora-murphysblog]

I went over to my boyfriend's house and I was happy to see me but when he told me that he didn't want to hold hands in front of people outside and when school started up again he didn't really give me an answer. So my brain created one, that I wasn't good enough for him and he's ashamed of me as his girlfriend. When I texted him about he said quote "Tbh cause I’m not tryna go through what I went through last year You don’t know what I had to deal with people all year were being annoying"

which to me sounds like they were making fun of him for being with me. He's some what popular and I'm a very quiet kid most of the time, who can get bullied for no reason, the only reason I can think of is me being poor. But a lot of the students in my school are poor in the side of town we live in.

I try my best to be somewhat nice to everyone and yet I still get hunted down like easy prey.

Anyways I cried In front of him a little bit afterwards and he gave me his phone so I can text it cause he knows I have trouble speaking when upset and I told him I have fear and anxiety of him leaving me again mind you I ask him the question after I got home.

[nora-murphysblog]

After getting back with my ex I have this constant fear of him leaving me again. I was a broken person the first time and I don't know what will happen if we broke up again. I'll probably do something stupid. Or even worse.

The last time we broke up I cried for a while and every time they called him my boyfriend it felt like a knife stabbed me in my chest. I had to force myself to eat only when I absolutely needed too. And only one of our friends asked me if I was already but I just smiled and said I was. My life was miserable afterwards

I don't want to go back to that same place misery

[nora-murphysblog]

My sister doesn't think I'm not helping with her child. I help with her child more than my niece's dad. And she has to yell at me when I just want to get out of the house and go to the grocery store.

[nora-murphysblog]

Is it just me or for someone who is lactose intolerant. My sister eats cheese so fucking much. To the point almost every morning I have to hold my niece as she's in the bathroom.