not-an-alien-scientist

[not-an-alien-scientist]

Fucking. Genius.

Galactic Forum, human guide section.

I think we found the perfect enrichment for human crew members.

Our humans really enjoyed this area we provided for them.

They can run, fall, climb and more, to their hearts content.

They really enjoy being lifted and thrown into a large pit of foam blocks, or plastic spheres.

Note: our crew is mostly Xarnian, so we possess the necessary strength to lift the average adult human despite the density they have evolved on their deathworld.

Human larvae enjoy it the most, but even the mature humans are also thrilled by these activities.

Incidents involving "acts of human" are down 18% in the first cycle alone since we installed the enrichment chamber.

[not-an-alien-scientist]

Humans Are Weird: Insults

Hi! :) this was just a quick little 5 min writing stint that I did since I was bored and waiting for my class to start lol. As usual, any feedback would be greatly appreciated!

“Human Ella… What did you just say?” Asked the concerned alien known as Egorith after watching Human Ella and Human Kyle walk away from each other with disgust, (and in Ella's case, a little pride). 

“Well… I definitely didn’t tell him he has a voice that makes people want to gouge their eyes out with rusty spoons. And I MOST CERTAINLY didn’t tell him that one of his certain “appendages” is as small as a grain of sand. And there's no way in HELL that I told him that if it were between saving a feogjn (A horrendous, slimy, bloodthirsty monster from plant X385) and him, that everyone on the crew would unanimously choose the feogjn. 

“Well… I’m very glad that you didn’t say that” replied the alien, forgetting that humans have a thing called sarcasm. “But then… what did you say?” questioned the 5 eyed creature, staring up at the human with far too much innocence.

After a moment of surprised looks and a concerning amount of blinking (Luckily, none of which the alien noticed), Human Ella replied “Well, I simply told him to have a nice day”. 

“But then…” the alien pondered, giving human Ella time to roll her eyes, “Why did he look so mad?”

“I don't know Egorith. Maybe you should go ask him” Human Ella laughed before turning abruptly and walking away.

“Ok! I will!” shouted the tiny alien after the human. Vowing to himself that next time he saw Human Kyle, he would be sure to ask him about it.

[not-an-alien-scientist]

"Human-Steve! How do I care for this Terran Mammal?!"

"Why would I know?" The alien stared at the human.

"You are a pack-bonding mammal from the same homeworld?"

"You're holding the kitten wrong."

"See?!"

[not-an-alien-scientist]

Humans are weird: Tormenting Friends pt 2

So we have covered that us as humans are the meanest to the ones we love. But we take that a step farther don't we? If we see a random person on the street fall, we're likely to help them. If we see our friend fall...Well, we probably tripped them and laughed about it. Alien: Why is Steve moving like that?

Human *turning to look*: Oh, he got a sunburn

Alien *horrified*: the sun's rays can burn your skin cells?

Human *shrugs*: they'll grow back. he'll be fine

Alien *feeling uncertain*: Steve, do you--

Steve *screaming*: Ow, what the fuck, man!

Human *laughing*: I was just greeting you. Like a friend.

Alien *inching away*: what kind of friendly greeting was that?

Steve *muttering*: an asshole one

Human: don't worry. I just patted him on the back. It only hurt because of his sunburn.

Alien *inching farther*: so you find humor in his pain

Human: of course, he's my best friend

Alien *practically at another table*: I would like to reiterate that we are not friends

---

You can get this scene in my book, Humans Are Weird! Available in ebook, paperback, or hardback. The whole series is pinned on my page.

[not-an-alien-scientist]

Humans are weird: Indifference of Death

( Please come see me on my new patreon and support me for early access to stories and personal story requests :D https://www.patreon.com/NiqhtLord Every bit helps)

“Did you not hear me?”

Nathan looked up from his dish of noodles to see Xexor looking at him; his hand still clutching the data pad while they dotted an expression of shock and horror.

After slurping up his forkful he shook his head. “Sorry mate,” he said sheepishly, “noodles always take priority for me.”

Xexor looked at his human friend in disbelief. “I just told you that there was a mining accident on the moon of Hosis VI.”

He placed the data pad on the table and spun it around for Nathan to see more clearly as the article began scrolling. “Over 500 humans are confirmed dead and another thousand are still missing.”

His human friend took another bite of noodle as his free hand slowly scrolled through the news feed recounting the events.

“Huh.” Nathan said as he passed the pad back and resumed eating noodles.

“That’s it? “Huh”?”

Xexor had expected some reaction but nothing as minimalistic as what he had just been given.

“I don’t know anyone working in those mines.” Nathan remarked as he looked at Xexor. “I had an uncle in resource management but they got let go weeks ago after he got caught labeling gold ore as “waste materials” and tried smuggling it out for profit.”

“Is that the depth of your compassion?” Xexor demanded. Whatever good times they had been enjoying were now well behind them as he felt growing disdain for his human friend. “You don’t care because you don’t know anyone there?”

Nathan sighed and put down his fork.

“Look, what do you want from me?” he replied. “I’m just trying to eat my diner here.”

“If something like this had happened to my people there would be no eating.” Xexor retorted harshly. “We would be glued to our data screens awaiting news or sending whatever aide we could to help!”

“Well I’m not a Velorian,” Nathan countered, “and this isn’t your planet.”

“It is becoming quite clear to me of both.” Xexor answered; their voice dripping with scorn.

Nathan set down his fork, his patience finally at an end.

“Do you know how many humans there are in the universe?”

When Xexor didn’t answer he continued.

“Over thirty billion humans are dotted across the stars from the inner worlds to the cosmic edge.”

“Congratulations on having a quick reproduction cycle.” Xexor scoffed, but Nathan shook his head.

“It means, you dick, that on average this kind of horrific event is happening on a daily basis to human’s across any number of worlds.”

He entered in several keys into the data pad and it switched from live feed events to the past few ddays.

“On Lucion III 300 humans died when a landslide took an entire city sector off the mountain and slid it into a waiting hamlet below.”

“On Virgo V thirty humans were flayed alive for not following local traditions about clothing at beach locations. “

“On Desimes Prime a human was turned into a fruit, diced up, added to a salad, and then fed to their partner at a restaurant.”

The list of horrific events continued scrolling by for Xexor to look upon as Nathan continued recounting horrible recent events. Each more terrifying than the last yet sometimes ranging from a single human soul lost to over ten thousand.

“What does this have to do with my point?” Xexor demanded, pushing the data pad away.

“It’s that what you consider to be a life changing event is just another Sunday to me.” Nathan said frankly. “I estimate in my time I have heard of the deaths of several hundred thousand people, and it’s not affected me in the slightest.”

Xexor looked at Nathan in disgust but said nothing. “How can you be so casual with such displays of horrific loss?”

Nathan threw his hands up in the air out of frustration and stood up. He paced the room back and forth while formulating some answer, any answer.

“I just….” He stammered as he stopped pacing and faced Xexor. “I just got numb I guess.”

“Numb?” Xexor asked; the ice in their tone chilling.

Nathan threw up his hands again and sat back down. “Every day I see something about someone, somewhere, experiencing a horrific death and before the day is over there’s another story of someone else going through another death.”

His expression turned dark as he continued. “Then another, and another, and another, and another…….”

Nathan looked up at Xexor and to his surprise he could see something lurking just behind his friend’s eyes that he couldn’t describe.

“Eventually all you can do is numb yourself to it, or else you’ll drown in it.”

Xexor didn’t know how to respond, so he just sat in silence.

Neither said anything else for the rest  of the night.

[not-an-alien-scientist]

Some idiot: "Why are you reading your own fic, that's shallow and stupid"

All fanfic writers and writers everywhere: "Who the fuck do you think I wrote it for?!"

[not-an-alien-scientist]

There are two types of writers:

1. 'It's fiction, it doesn't need to make sense!'

2. 'I didn't account for the rotation of the planet and how that affects the constalations while my characters stargazed at different times of year, I have failed as a writer, and this entire thing is trash'

[not-an-alien-scientist]

writing is so humbling. one day you're like “this paragraph could end war.” next day you're like “was I having a stroke when I wrote this???”

[not-an-alien-scientist]

"Why is the human Kim punching the wall?"

"Apparently she is happy..."

"...oh good, here comes human Max."

"Ah, yes, he should be able to calm her-- [= <- /\!! She's fighting him! Wait...he's fighting back! ...talk some sense into your fellow human Max...they're violently embracing??"

"I believe the orcs do that...bear hug it is called? ...the punching and shaking, however, makes me think otherwise."

"Oop, now he is jumping onto her back...I think the ehalia's do that as a victorious mockery...they jump on the loser's back and ride them like a steed. Often while cheering and shouting...like the humans are doing now."

"Yes, I have heard of that, I don't believe there is a loser though."

"...are they still on shift??? The younglings-oh my gaia look! Look! The human young are joining in the...bloodlust-no that's not it...battle crazed...madness of joy! The madness of joy is overtaking the humans!"

"I'm going over there."

"Why???"

"I wish to know what the madness is about."

"...hold on. Ahem, HUMAN KIM!"

"YEAH!!!" the joyfully crazed human shouted back.

"WHAT IS THE CAUSE OF YOUR CRAZED JOY?!"

"MY BEST FRIEND GOT A BOYFRIEND!! AND I THINK HE'S ACTUALLY A GOOD GUY!!!!"

"..." "..."

"...MY BEST FRIEND GOT A MATE WHO TAKES CARE OF HER AND IS GOOD!!!"

"JOYOUS NEWS!!"

"CARRY ON WITH YOUR CELEBRATION OF AQUIRING A PROTECTOR OF YOUR KIN!!"

With that the two aliens watched the humans, both adult and child, carry on with their whooping and cheering. The adults because they were happy for their friend and the children because the madness had simply spread to them.

[not-an-alien-scientist]

Aliens would be weirded out by fiction or fantasy

So I KNOW this one has been done, but it bears repeating cuz the idea of it is HILARIOUS.

We wanna write/draw a fictional world, we just sit there starring at screens or a blank sheet of paper for HOURS vividly hallucinating intricate and complex universes that have never happened before and usually couldn’t happen in reality, with laws of physics that follow no known law in our existence. Imagine a species that’d didn’t really get it, say they’re more practical and less inclined to whimsy, a real no nonsense type of aliens.

Alien: human what are you doing?

Human: I’m thinking

Alien: about what?

Human: how a dragon could hoard so much gold it fills a mountain

Alien: …is that a normal occurrence on your world?

Human: what? No, I’m writing short stories for November. It’s a fictional creature, they don’t exist on earth. Think those big reptilian things on Trigor 7 and you’d be close tho, except they have wings and breath fire

Alien: that is inherently worse, I would not like to think about that at all ever again. Why would you want to inflict such a terrible idea on another sentient entity?

Human: I mean…mostly for fun

Alien: …deathworlders *shakes head and sighs*

[not-an-alien-scientist]

I control the narrative, I whisper to myself like a lunatic while the characters in the story I'm writing are not following my orders.

[not-an-alien-scientist]

Humans are so different to each other. Like imagine aliens actually being very similar to the others of their species and the humans show up and they just are so....unpredictable.

Alien: *is eating with a human and gives the human olives*

Human: *surprised* Oh. Do you not like olives?

Alien: I like olives. But you love them, right? So you can have it.

Human: Oh I don't remember mentioning something like that but...I don't like olives. I hate them actually.

Alien: *shocked and is questioning their life decisions* I was playing with your daughter when babysitting her and she said she loved olives.

Human: Yeah, guess she just likes them. I don't though.

Alien: But she's human.

Human: yeah. And?

Alien: Don't all humans like olives?

Human: Just because my daughter like olives doesn't mean I like them too.

Alien: *blinks slowly thinking and then gasps in relief* So you DON'T like murdering unlike the human on TV??

Human: WHAT- No- wait what. Have you been eating with me the whole time thinking I was a murderer???

Alien: I-I just wanted to respect your preferences and show support-

Human: If I was a murderer, I could have killed YOU!!! *so confused by alien's thought process*

Alien: ...still wanted to show support....

[not-an-alien-scientist]

"why do you write?" because it’s the only way to silence the characters pacing around my brain like victorian ghosts with unresolved issues that prevent them from moving on.

[not-an-alien-scientist]

Humans Are Weird: Marathons

Am I the only one that thinks marathons are weird??? Not because I hate running (which I do) or because of the way people lose toenails (gross) but because of the history of it!! (I do know this is a legend but I like to *think* it actually happened because what a way to rub it in this guy's face)

Human *stretching*: You don't stand a chance. I used to run cross country.

Other human *also stretching*: I've ran four marathons. I am not intimidated.

Alien: What is a marathon?

*Both humans turning, looking far too excited*

Human: it's a long distance run. It can be an accomplishment to finish one.

Other human: 26.2 miles. It's not easy.

Alien: That is...a specific amount.

Other human: Well, there was this guy that ran that far once to announce a victory in battle and he promptly fell over and died.

Alien: so you...run it regularly to prove he was weak?

Human *laughs*: Exaclty

Alien *eyes wide*: You are ruthless.

If you want to see more scenes like this, I have a Humans Are Weird book! It's a full-length sci fi rom com based around scenes just like this with an overarching storyline! You can get it here -> https://tinyurl.com/azvfr4fk

[not-an-alien-scientist]

Okay, but what if the aliens have been watching humans for a really long time, but they’re trying really hard to not make contact.

What if humanity making strides is their favorite thing that’s always trending?

Like, human progress is generally their favorite program, and every so often when the humans build a new and enormous building, develop a new craft, dive deeper into the ocean, send something else out into space… the “Look But Don’t Touch” rule is really, really strong and really, really annoying because humans are so fun!

Look at them!

They built things that go places off of tiny explosions! They build ships out of clear stuff so they can see deep underwater! They build little boxes that go up and down their big buildings with fancy little breaks so they don’t fall if they break! They build tiny explosives with chemicals to make pretty colors when they go off!

[not-an-alien-scientist]

[not-an-alien-scientist]

when you listen to a song and it gives you inspiration to daydream an answer to the plot hole in the story building inside your head