notcolleen - Tumblr blog

[notcolleen]

tw for very rambling suicidal ideation behind this, i promise i am safe 👌 (but blunt talk about death and rambles abt cats and mentions of pokémon 👌)

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but i have not been this actively suicidal for extended amount of time probably ever, yet i say that knowing that i will stay alive indefinitely……..just really really really sad all the time 😌 (so please know that too and allow me to write this out lol)

it’s just a very overwhelming sense of staying alive out of obligation and that’s not exactly what dbt would call a Life Worth Living

but i am obligated to my cat first and foremost (as ridiculous as that might sound to some but i know others will understand lol) and to my family as well, and the guilt of leaving them overwhelms me even though i know logically i wouldn’t be alive to feel it….like i look at phoebe (the cat in question for those who don’t know) and i see a wonderful animal who didn’t sign up to be taken in by a severely depressed human — she deserves unconditional care and love and that is what i agreed to when i adopted her so that is why i am obligated to stay alive as long as she is alive

plus on a more practical level, when my ideation gets to the point of “okay let’s try to find an equally loving home for her ! maybe even someone who has more space and more time and more emotional bandwidth !” im like wow that would be pretty obvious to anyone that knows you that something is wrong lmao and also i get so sad at the thought of not having her in my life……..which contradicts the “i actually want to be dead” ideation and brings on my next unwavering reason to stay around……which is my extreme fear of death and the unknown

like…….that’s terrifying and idk how it’s just basically accepted that we as humans exist and then stop existing? and that’s it? like a hs classmate of mine just passed away less than a week ago and i can’t stop thinking about it, i selfishly can’t stop thinking how unfair it is that i am sitting here, literally abusing my body every minute of the day and not taking care of any part of my self and yet my health is essentially perfect?? yet she was genuinely one of the nicest ppl in this horrible town and breast cancer took her life and if that doesn’t prove that this life has no logic at all idk what does

and it’s terrifying bc i can’t comprehend what happens after bc in my mind there just can’t logically be any after but there also can’t logically be nothing so it’s just….overwhelming blankness

so now i wake up every day and i cry on my walk to work because i have the same compulsive thoughts about dying at the same spots on the same walk bc my brain is dumb and repeats everything

but also keep thinking about how that would affect the kids i work with, who tell me they love me every day and hug me even though they’re not supposed to and tell me i’m they’re favorite teacher when they’re not supposed to but it’s really only because i’m the only one that knows pokémon enough to print out the coloring sheets they want so it’s conditional love but i don’t even care bc it’s real to them and to me

but then i cry more bc i love them too but i still want to die and they would move on quickly but it would still be something in their life that they certainly dont deserve and wouldn’t understand

so i go to work and i pretend to be a good, caring person and it’s exhausting bc i am not, so i get home and it’s like a switch is flipped and i am an entirely different person with no moral compass and no desire to connect with anyone or be around anyone or do anything…..like at this point i have alienated everyone in my life and can’t see myself getting to a place where i can build connections again, my only social interactions rn are work and i get frustrated that i have to make the same small talk with my coworkers every day, i get frustrated that i have to partake in social niceties or that im expected to go to holiday parties and have lunches with these people who don’t actually know me and i don’t actually know them??

i did have thanksgiving with my family tonight and i know i have so much love for them, and i felt safe there for that time……but there was still this underlying emptiness to everything and even conversations with them, the people i am closest with and really the only ones i talk to anymore, felt surface level in a way that frustrates me and i can’t articulate it accurately but it’s exhausting and i am tired

and i was getting more anxious as i was getting ready to leave my parents bc the time alone after being with family is the hardest for me and my dad turned to my sister…..who had just had another fight with her husband….and said “just so you know, you can stay here tonight, you’re always welcome to stay here” and i started crying on my way home because that’s what i needed to hear tonight but he wouldn’t know that bc i can’t vocalize my emotions like a functional adult and go out of my way to make it seem like i’m doing better than i am so that my mom doesn’t worry

i know i need more help in terms of my mental health (also not in denial abt how bad my eating disorder is rn but that’s another issue that i’m not going to write another novel about rn) but idk what that looks like in my life rn and it’s hard when my depression is this bad because i keep coming back to “yeah i need more help but also it’s all pointless anymore lol” so i just go through my days completed detached and telling myself that any way i can cope is okay bc instagram told me 💖✨if all u did was survive today that is okay✨💖 but really it’s just me enabling apathy and destructive behaviors and moving targets of “i’ll do better once xyz”

idk how to end this post other than to say again that i am safe, just obviously not in a good place mentally but very much able to keep myself alive (i’ve been jaded by too many “instagram cares” messages after posting lol) (i know this is tumblr) (still jaded)

[notcolleen]

definitely not speaking for myself here or anything but like i really wish at a certain age u just automatically stopped craving ur parents love and approval because being a grown ass adult who is still sad abt being the ✨least favorite child✨ is just not very becoming 😌

[notcolleen]

coming out of my self induced isolation to rant because as much as i would like to exist to no one……i unfortunately have to work to live……and work unfortunately involves other people….one of those people unfortunately being an incredibly narcissistic boss (and i try very hard not to throw the psych buzzwords around lightly/am ❌not❌ diagnosing anyone but ANYWAY keep reading if u want to know the mundane details of workplace drama somehow centered around a game of duck duck goose???

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so i work with kindergarteners and there is a group of ~10 boys rn who are straight up out of control wild rn….like wrestling, punching, shoving, headlocks, throwing toys, name calling, lying, blatantly saying no to teachers, generally causing mayhem for everyone

and nothing has worked to manage behaviors — we have to keep certain kids separate but at this point, with only 4 classrooms and ~60 kids, u just ….can’t do that with everyone lol so it’s just a matter of damage control/harm reduction rn

but the day after halloween is historically Extra Bad and i agreed to stay late bc we were down a teacher and we offer aftercare so it was basically those 10 boys plus a few other kids running around while i tried to make sure no one cracked their head open. but literally every two seconds i had to tell kids to separate/take a seat/take their hands off each other.

so when one kids dad comes to pick him up, he’s sobbing in a corner bc he says the other kids wouldn’t let him be the “Ducker” during duck duck goose, and ive been checking on him every few minutes and asking him if he wanted to talk or if he needed space, but he said he needed space. apparently he is usually a main issue during the aftercare hours

but the the dad gets super upset and says he’s been unhappy with the aggression seen the last couple days, he asks for my name (never a good sign) and says that someone is going to get hurt if we don’t do something. i can’t even disagree with him but i let him know im trying and i’ve been separating the group and having them sit and it’s an ongoing issue we are working on.

he leaves with “bye colleen, i will be calling the school tomorrow” (a terrifying sentence even tho technically i work in a church rn 👀)

SO im anxious abt that bc again, the safety is a valid concern even though he is not an objective person bc his son is involved — literally the worst thing in working with kids is having parents upset and escalating the issue

so after i clock out, i email my boss and first ask her if we can check in tomorrow morning abt my safety concerns/brainstorm abt possible solutions. i also said that this parent said he would be calling in the morning but that I would explain the situation in more detail further tomorrow when we talk.

SO she comes up to my classroom and says “tell me what happened with [student name]” and explained that he was upset about duck duck goose, but that when his dad was unhappy with what he’s been seeing recently at pick up. i tried to explain further what i’ve seen and she says “it was the day after halloween, stick to what happened with [student name]” so once i explained again she left

so then i go down to the office to make copies except on my way there i hear her very loudly reading the email i sent her word for word to someone (in a mocking tone lol) ….and at that point i freeze bc like….do i still go in? do i pretend i don’t hear this happening??? i stood there for a little and she went on to basically say “this email doesn’t tell me anything, i thought someone was hurt but it was all about a game of duck duck goose?? she’s overstepping her boundaries, etc etc)

and i was already almost at her door which was wide open for anyone to hear and ended up just going and saying “im going to stop you both right now because i could hear you talking really loudly about me from the hallway and id appreciate it if you could stop”

and she instantly starts ⚠️screaming⚠️ at me, like “yes i was talking about you because you didn’t say anything in this email, i don’t know what you think you were doing, you don’t work at aftercare it’s not your place!!”

and at that point im trying to do damage control and say repeatedly “im sorry if i didn’t articulate myself properly” “i apologize if i didn’t handle the situation correctly” “i apologize” “i apologize” — i tried to explain that i was only giving her a warning that she might get a call, i wanted to explain more in person, and it wasn’t just abt a game of duck duck goose lol it was a matter of safety

so we go back and forth for awhile, im flustered/angry to the point of tears while still trying to articulate my thoughts (i angry cry and it sucks) and everything i try to say she is shutting down

genuinely the conversation evolved into “it’s never been that much of an issue except yesterday when you were there” (yes it has!!!)

“then you are saying the issue is me, and i want to know that so i know what to work on” even though i know the problem is not me!!! i don’t know a lot and i don’t have faith in my abilities anywhere else but i know that i am good at this job!!!

the conversation ended more unresolved than it started and i had to go back to a room of kids with that on my mind all day and im just frustrated bc this is a woman that last friday told me i was doing an amazing job and that was so glad i was back and was so excited so what i was doing with the kids — but any perceived threat to her ego or criticism, justified or not, and it all comes crashing down

and i know this, i sometimes get too comfortable or forget and share personal things or get sucked into the office culture here but really, i need to maintain boundaries; i plan on clocking in at 8 (not coming in at 7:45 like i have been in case anyone needs help!!!) and clocking out at 4 (not staying late to help out at aftercare because while i thought that was helping, i guess it was ~not my role). i will not feel guilty for eating my lunch outside and staying tf out of the office. i will not provide any information abt my personal life to my boss bc that information is not safe with her. this is a job and that is it.

tldr: it just really fucking sucks to walk in on ppl talking about you and it’s also absolutely 100% a family trigger lol

[notcolleen]

helloo a few ppl that follow me on here have reached out bc i deleted instagram awhile ago so i just wanted to post on here that i am in fact alive (i think) (saying that jokingly but also posting knowing that i actually can’t just disappear bc when my friends text me “are u alive?” it’s half ‘where have u been?’ and half actual safety check)

but just feeling super disconnected from the world and not in a place to reciprocate any communication fairly but hoping that i can feel like an actual human soon and really do appreciate the ppl that care so thank u

[notcolleen]

😌😌😌

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called out today bc i wasn’t feeling well all weekend and having stomach issues and the idea of going into a job that has been hell lately was making me …very not okay

and the app used to request time off said i still had 8 paid hours

except apparently not bc i left and came back, so now i can’t use those until october

so then i tried to request unpaid time off

but no apparently you can only request 3 hours unpaid ??

and i sent my boss a message saying hello im sorry xyz, i know coverage has been hard so i will have my own phone on me if there are any issues

no reply lol

but ! woke up this morning to a 5:40 am text from my coworker saying there were no tables or chairs to be found for morning care lol

and all day ive had parents calling me with issues/call outs/arranging pick up/etc

…..and why do they have my personal number ?? for once it’s not my own lack of boundaries (mostly) !! it’s bc the program phone somehow got lost over the summer after my boss collected all of our electronics, and has yet to be replaced 😌 so she has it arranged that whenever a parent has to pick up/contact the program, the calls are all redirected to her and then she calls me. except she goes to ~10 other different sites and is not always available! so when i have to contact a parent regarding a child’s allergies or diabetes or more urgent behavioral issue, i can’t always wait to follow that procedure and have used my phone instead !! and i hate knowing im going to walk in tomorrow and be yelled at for that bc yes technically it’s breaking the rules !! but also technically i should have a phone by now !!!! 😌😌😌

and i just want to sleep bc i can’t afford another unpaid day off so i know im going in tomorrow lol but i can’t sleep bc i was signed up for a cpr training at 7 that they already spent money on and can’t switch me to the one tomorrow 😌 and already got an email that cameras must be on for it to count 😌😌😌 i have cried so much today lol (and applied to other jobs but im not feeling very helpful about that either so it’s just like ………..idk what im doing and i just don’t feel good 😌😌)

[notcolleen]

mundane lil family rant for this morning 👌

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over the summer i had been going over to my family’s/moms house pretty frequently, at least 2-3x a week and weekends to spend time with my mom and make sure everything was okay.

the week of my (and my brothers) birthday, everyone in the house got covid — so we had to cancel our family birthday dinner (it was really casual but we try to do it every year) and i also found out i would be traveling to oregon (and later texas) for work. so i wasn’t able to see my family before that bc they were sick

so then i got back and went over the next day and saw my mom and everything was good!! we caught up and she seemed to be doing pretty well

but then the school year started back up and my current schedule is really split up (with mornings 5:30-8:30 and afternoons 3:30 - whenever the last kid gets picked up until 7 pm lol) — and i have space in between but my mom doesn’t wake up until 2-3 pm most days so going over then would be pointless, and going over past 7 pm would be pointless bc i have to be back here by ~9 to feel like i have any chance of getting to sleep to wake up on time lol

ANYWAY wow so these last two weeks i’ve been texting and calling just to check in, and also calling after work bc if i am going to stop by i want to make sure she’s there/awake/okay

but !

im currently being ghosted by her and she’s not answering my calls and i reached out to my sister bc i was getting worried and apparently she talked to her on the phone yesterday 🫠 so it’s me 🫠🫠 and it’s gotten to the point where now it’s saturday and i can go over but i feel anxious and awkward (and honestly my feelings are hurt???) bc i don’t just want to show up at a place where i am unwanted

but then i think, colleen u are an adult and this is not a child/mother relationship and you also have to see it rationally that your mom is not well and processes thoughts and feelings differently rn bc of her brain deteriorating. i’ve seen it in action that when she decides she is against someone, even for the slightest reason, that’s it — they can’t do anything right and it’s completely black and white in her head. i’ve just never been so outwardly the person in question and it hurts lol

and i think if that is the case, it’s bc there was an issue last week with money accidentally being taken out of her account instead of mine for our phone bill — and im frustrated if that’s it because 1) i immediately sent her the money back and an extra amount for the confusion and 2) ive been paying her 3rd of the bill for the last 3 years bc she isn’t able to, and now money is more of a stressor for me and i’ve asked her to pay when she is able and it has been ignored each time so im paying double and im not always in the position to do that 👹 so the resentment there is …. definitely not hiding lol and i know it but i’ve been doing it bc i know at the end of the day im still in a more stable position financially and will not regret helping her in these ways in the long term, it’s just in the short term sometimes i feel taken advantage of (also to clarify, the phone situation was all communicated through my sister whom she is talking to lol because she was at the house right then — no direct communication through my mom despite sending her the money/asking if she was upset abt it ☠️)

idk this is all a convoluted way of saying im upset that my family still has so much power to hurt my feelings like a child lol

and im also laughing bc she posted this on fb during this whole thing (so i also know health wise, she’s at least somewhat fine bc she’s active on there)

[notcolleen]

realizing i said it wasn’t abt my eating disorder and then it sat in my drafts for so long that the eating disorder made a tearful lil cameo 🤺 rude

good morning this post is …not abt my eating disorder 😮

(it’s a coworker rant lol) (it got …..long 👀) (i started early this morning and am now finishing hrs later without changing times so sorry if some things don’t add up time wise) (not that ppl other than myself would know? but tumblr anons have me paranoid that everyone thinks im lying abt every little thing lmao)

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anyway this has been a pretty solo trip for me, but im technically here with another woman from nj as well, whom i actually met last year working this same camp so we knew each other and have now spent over 3 weeks together total, not super long in the grand scheme of life but long enough to say we know each other

and i don’t dislike her at all, but this week it became a lot more clear that we are really different ppl, both professionally and just in life lol

and i kinda like that despite working at the same job/staying in the same hotel, we both quietly acknowledged that it could end there and we didn’t have to do things off the clock together. i didn’t see her at all outside of our work hours lol and that was fine.

but during work, she sat on her phone at a table away from the kids, and when she did need to “engage” with them, it was yelling. i heard her say “what is wrong with you??” or “why are you crying?” to 6 year olds too many times this week (1 time is too many times, 4 is ??? like why are you working in childcare) — and that is just what i heard, she ‘opened’ and i ‘closed’ so there were two hours each day where we were on our own and i dread thinking of how she spoke to them then 👀

on that note, she was supposed to clock in at 7am — get things set up, plan out the day a little, whatever. but every morning we would have an awkward moment where i would see her sitting in the hotel lobby eating breakfast as the time crept past 7 and she would still have to factor in the uber there and all i could think was what if i kid came early or if her uber didn’t get her there by 7:30 (when kids could arrive)??

but i would try to just drink my coffee and pretend i wasn’t aware of the time lol and i know she was annoyed that she had to wake up to open (bc she certainly lmk that) but i had to stay until the last kid got picked up (and parents were not always the most punctual coming from work ☠️) and then clean up so i was there until after my scheduled time each day, there were no early days that she kept telling me to ✨enjoy (also we are getting paid?? that’s why we’re here??)

but we are in the same role here — i am not her supervisor, i didnt feel comfortable correcting or redirecting her, i can’t give her training on how to speak to kids

….still, in the end, i did feel like i put a lot more work bc kids are smart and intuitive and are gonna go to whom they feel comfortable with — so even if i was trying to put stuff away or talk to a parent or whatever….even with her right there in front of them….they would ask/find me.

(i will say, it says something that by the end of the week they finally had learned my name and still didn’t even seem to know she was working there with me lol, or she was “the other teacher” ……like i don’t think im good at much, but i do know im good at interacting with / treating kids with the respect they deserve)

anyway i had started this post mostly to say that it’s also very telling that she clocked out of our last shift saying “ill see you when i see you” even though we took the same flight here, i booked our uber from the airport to the hotel together, and we have the same flight back — but just based on our endings vibes, i didn’t reach out to see if she wanted to share an uber there this morning**

i think she’s also upset with me bc we were both offered the opportunity to travel again with the company after this — and both told that it would be “either oklahoma or texas” — and both definitely preferred texas over oklahoma — and i made the mistake of telling her i emailed one of the higher ups voicing my discomfort with OK (mostly just thinking out loud before i sent the email) and even though i received this (wonderfully validating 👀) reply back:

it ended up that i was chosen to go to TX and she will be going to OK and i feel like she assumes the email played a role / that i used my discomfort as leverage. idk, i should have just waited it out but i was anxious abt it and when im anxious i tend to ramble/voice my inner dialogue and that’s what happened — it also lead to me basically coming out to her (if she hadn’t already figured that one out ☠️) and even before the decisions were made re: locations but after that, i felt a shift in our dynamic and overall it was just a mess after that day lol

**and now when i arrived at the airport, it turns out our original flight was delayed so much that we had to reschedule to guarantee making the connection……but she hadn’t checked in yet so idk what’s happening with hers……all i know is that our boss booked our flights so it’s all linked together and it wouldn’t show my boarding pass, only hers, so it kept trying to check her in when i just wanted it to register my boarding pass for pdx—>ord—->ewr instead of pdx—>den—>ewr and i was so anxious i was gonna miss my flight and so proud of myself for not crying when a very nice woman helped me out ……but then! 😔 i did cry bc when i mobile ordered a pumpkin load from starbucks…..waited 20 minutes for it…..told myself i could keep waiting bc i have done my time as a barista and know how annoying customers are……waited another 10 but then saw my ticket behind the screen so knew it had gotten lost in the shuffle and i would actually literally miss my flight if i didn’t ask the barista…..only to be told they were out, but would i be okay with a lemon loaf instead?…….no 🥴 not really 🥴 but am i anxious bc food still want to scratch my skin off when it’s not exactly what i want it to be? 🥴 yes 🥴

so i have to say that’s fine ! thank you so much ! have a good day ! 😌

anyway that’s when i took my lemon loaf and cried on the way to my plane

and here i sit

winning the secret competition for longest tumblr posts abt the most mundane things ever 😌 cya

[notcolleen]

good morning this post is …not abt my eating disorder 😮

(it’s a coworker rant lol) (it got …..long 👀) (i started early this morning and am now finishing hrs later without changing times so sorry if some things don’t add up time wise) (not that ppl other than myself would know? but tumblr anons have me paranoid that everyone thinks im lying abt every little thing lmao)

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anyway this has been a pretty solo trip for me, but im technically here with another woman from nj as well, whom i actually met last year working this same camp so we knew each other and have now spent over 3 weeks together total, not super long in the grand scheme of life but long enough to say we know each other

and i don’t dislike her at all, but this week it became a lot more clear that we are really different ppl, both professionally and just in life lol

and i kinda like that despite working at the same job/staying in the same hotel, we both quietly acknowledged that it could end there and we didn’t have to do things off the clock together. i didn’t see her at all outside of our work hours lol and that was fine.

but during work, she sat on her phone at a table away from the kids, and when she did need to “engage” with them, it was yelling. i heard her say “what is wrong with you??” or “why are you crying?” to 6 year olds too many times this week (1 time is too many times, 4 is ??? like why are you working in childcare) — and that is just what i heard, she ‘opened’ and i ‘closed’ so there were two hours each day where we were on our own and i dread thinking of how she spoke to them then 👀

on that note, she was supposed to clock in at 7am — get things set up, plan out the day a little, whatever. but every morning we would have an awkward moment where i would see her sitting in the hotel lobby eating breakfast as the time crept past 7 and she would still have to factor in the uber there and all i could think was what if i kid came early or if her uber didn’t get her there by 7:30 (when kids could arrive)??

but i would try to just drink my coffee and pretend i wasn’t aware of the time lol and i know she was annoyed that she had to wake up to open (bc she certainly lmk that) but i had to stay until the last kid got picked up (and parents were not always the most punctual coming from work ☠️) and then clean up so i was there until after my scheduled time each day, there were no early days that she kept telling me to ✨enjoy (also we are getting paid?? that’s why we’re here??)

but we are in the same role here — i am not her supervisor, i didnt feel comfortable correcting or redirecting her, i can’t give her training on how to speak to kids

….still, in the end, i did feel like i put a lot more work bc kids are smart and intuitive and are gonna go to whom they feel comfortable with — so even if i was trying to put stuff away or talk to a parent or whatever….even with her right there in front of them….they would ask/find me.

(i will say, it says something that by the end of the week they finally had learned my name and still didn’t even seem to know she was working there with me lol, or she was “the other teacher” ……like i don’t think im good at much, but i do know im good at interacting with / treating kids with the respect they deserve)

anyway i had started this post mostly to say that it’s also very telling that she clocked out of our last shift saying “ill see you when i see you” even though we took the same flight here, i booked our uber from the airport to the hotel together, and we have the same flight back — but just based on our endings vibes, i didn’t reach out to see if she wanted to share an uber there this morning**

i think she’s also upset with me bc we were both offered the opportunity to travel again with the company after this — and both told that it would be “either oklahoma or texas” — and both definitely preferred texas over oklahoma — and i made the mistake of telling her i emailed one of the higher ups voicing my discomfort with OK (mostly just thinking out loud before i sent the email) and even though i received this (wonderfully validating 👀) reply back:

it ended up that i was chosen to go to TX and she will be going to OK and i feel like she assumes the email played a role / that i used my discomfort as leverage. idk, i should have just waited it out but i was anxious abt it and when im anxious i tend to ramble/voice my inner dialogue and that’s what happened — it also lead to me basically coming out to her (if she hadn’t already figured that one out ☠️) and even before the decisions were made re: locations but after that, i felt a shift in our dynamic and overall it was just a mess after that day lol

**and now when i arrived at the airport, it turns out our original flight was delayed so much that we had to reschedule to guarantee making the connection……but she hadn’t checked in yet so idk what’s happening with hers……all i know is that our boss booked our flights so it’s all linked together and it wouldn’t show my boarding pass, only hers, so it kept trying to check her in when i just wanted it to register my boarding pass for pdx—>ord—->ewr instead of pdx—>den—>ewr and i was so anxious i was gonna miss my flight and so proud of myself for not crying when a very nice woman helped me out ……but then! 😔 i did cry bc when i mobile ordered a pumpkin load from starbucks…..waited 20 minutes for it…..told myself i could keep waiting bc i have done my time as a barista and know how annoying customers are……waited another 10 but then saw my ticket behind the screen so knew it had gotten lost in the shuffle and i would actually literally miss my flight if i didn’t ask the barista…..only to be told they were out, but would i be okay with a lemon loaf instead?…….no 🥴 not really 🥴 but am i anxious bc food still want to scratch my skin off when it’s not exactly what i want it to be? 🥴 yes 🥴

so i have to say that’s fine ! thank you so much ! have a good day ! 😌

anyway that’s when i took my lemon loaf and cried on the way to my plane

and here i sit

winning the secret competition for longest tumblr posts abt the most mundane things ever 😌 cya

[notcolleen]

Hi ily lots and I’m really proud of you! Also living with Catholic relatives in Pittsburgh is interesting

thank you so much katia! that does sound…..interesting but i hope there is enough good to make up for the ❓👀🙏✝️

[notcolleen]

👹👹👹

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somewhere along the line ‘extreme hunger’ became an annoying instagram phrase but i am definitely entering entering into the endless mental AnDddDD physical hunger phase of recovery for the 926th time and wow the timing sucks

but without oversharing completely (as much as i love that too) my body isn’t cooperating fully with that fact so everything just….hurts, a lot

and rn some guy is staring at me as i eat a salad that is bigger than my head and is actually my second dinner and i might have woken up at ~1 am today to eat an apple breakfast bar coated in peanut butter (that ive been hoarding from the breakfast buffet 😌) and i might have eaten a very large lunch that was supposed to be split as lunch and dinner (bc scarcity mindset still holding strong 🙏 and disordered mindset still creeping up at night as i make disordered plans to make up for actual recovery oriented things i do during the day 🙏🙏)

and tbh im feeling lowkey judged by my waitress kayla bc im sure 85% of the ppl that get the salad this size pack it up to go by the end of the meal but im sitting here chilling and scrolling and typing and eating and drinking my wine** (👀) and eating again and it’s all copasetic except this guy that sat right across from me and decided to try to talk to me while im literally staring at a screen and chewing on lettuce 👹

**and i added this bc i feel like ive mentioned drinking a lot lately even tho i know logically it hasn’t been that much but i also know logically i have an addictive personality and probably need to be careful and am very aware there’s a possible problem and am also very, very aware of the alcoholism that runs in my family so plz don’t message me abt it lol, especially bc kayla just set aside a bottle for me and im abt to take advantage of that fact and i don’t want to feel bad abt it and i am eating and drinking water too 👌

anyway

another post abt how much recovery sucks

but is once again a necessary evil

[notcolleen]

an exclusive tumblr update:

(an update on the update: as im writing this now it’s been like another hour and and im a lot more sober and eating the sushi i was waiting for lmao but im keeping everything i wrote bc it’s nice to look back on honest thoughts and reflect 🧚 so!

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i am (was 😤) drunk off two lil drinks …im (was 🤸‍♂️) waiting for another sushi dinner bc i asked myself very seriously what i wanted to eat rn and that was the answer (that might always be the answer but im trying to listen to my body and my ~mind rn especially in these dumb beginning stages where i hyperfixate on certain foods and that food rn is salmon avocado rolls) (i promise ive had other things though lol) (i actually really ~challenged~ myself at breakfast but i’ll post abt that later) (bc believe it or not the sushi wasn’t the point of this post)

the point was, i just (well not just anymore, now it’s been like 2 hrs) asked my sister if she would be available to watch my cat for another week if i travel to texas (????) for work right after this oregon trip (literally home sunday, fly out monday? back friday, start work at my site probably a couple days after that)

and i am afraid that my sister actually really hates me and resents every single thing i ask so sending that text felt like i was asking a monumental thing that of course she would say no to, or just feel like she had to say yes to and then hate me for

and i just hate that i can’t tell if im actually really in-tune with ppls emotions/thoughts or just really good at projecting and can’t tell what’s real or not

bc when im with my sister i just feel like i can tell her thoughts under the surface so well, like i just sense the unspoken without even needing to ask, but what if im just entirely off? what if im off about my perception about everyone i know?

i did let her know i would fully pay her and i bought her so many things at the market i was just at as a thank you

and god im overcompensating so much and im also dumb bc i bought her freeze dried candy that i now have to be really careful not to crush on the plane ride home so hello added anxiety during my flight lol 

and i got my mom a troll doll (if you follow my instagram u saw this already lol sorry) but here’s the thing: my mom has literally not checked in with me at all since ive gotten here, not even a hey how’s it going text, and i know im an adult and she doesn’t need to do anything like….legally as a mother anymore…. and that actually at this point it’s more my job to take care or her and i could be the bigger person and check in with her, but my last couple texts to her asking “how are you?” or “how are things going?” went completely unanswered and that hurts and the fact that i still saw that doll and immediately got it for makes me feel so so dumb 😌

also dropped my id while waiting for my uber back to the hotel (not drunk colleen, just dumb thinking i can hold my wallet on my wrist colleen) and luckily a very nice man found me and returned it, bc otherwise i would have been completely fucked 😌

anyway im sure ill write more soon but i am also watching the bachelor on my phone and still eating the sushi and need to sleep soon to wake up and do this whole recovery and work and life thing all again tomorrow so goodbye 🙅

[notcolleen]

god i have so many thoughts to write about this trip but right now i need to process this before anything else:

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oregon has always held so much significance to me in terms of recovery bc my time at/after rainrock was the most lasting and most authentic recovery ive ever experienced. i also truly love it here and refuse to tarnish that with the shame of my eating disorder. so with that, i have forced myself to try my hardest every time im here and unfortunately that usually means a lot of getting back on track from relapse or a lot of significant differences in the way i was eating/living at home.

i try to view it as a ‘reset’ to get back on track but tbh i know i probably place too much significance on my time here and it sometimes ends up enabling my behaviors and ultimately making it harder bc i am so black and white in my thinking (so i let things get really bad before coming bc i ‘i’ll do better there’)

and im actually thankful i didn’t have a lot of notice this time bc i couldn’t completely crash and burn beforehand, and was actually trying to make small changes to my routine before bc i was getting sick of myself and i just had a birthday and didn’t want to spend another year like this, but there was definitely still the last couple days of ‘fuck it’ mentality

so this is all to say, on top of work and travel stress, im also just really anxious and Going Through it rn bc im like…trying to force a complete turn around in my recovery over the last couple days and my body is confused and my brain is confused and i feel like this is the timeframe i’d usually be in treatment center venting abt the refeeding process and complaining abt the superficial woes of weight gain and body changes but instead im really just trying to appreciate being here / trying to take advantage of Recovery Food here (abt to write a whole other post on scarcity mindset and a hotel breakfast buffet though bc holy shit im struggling with that) and trying to appreciate being here and exploring while !not! exploring too much and having it become a behavior

and it’s all just really hard

and actually i started this post to say that i am on my lunch break now and it was hard bc only 10 minutes ago a student lifted up my arm and called it flabby and asked me what my marks on my arms are (not the tattoos lol, the stretch marks) and said they looked like her grandmoms arms lmao tried to play it off and explain that bodies change and grow and look different and we should never touch other ppls bodies without permission etc etc but she’s young and i know it was forgotten in 2 seconds while i now have to come and each lunch with it on my mind

and im actually in the process of really working to accept my arms in particular, bc i know it’s something other ppl see; ive gotten comments from other ppl abt my stretchmarks since 4th grade lol. they bear my weight changes more signicantly than other places and my stretchmarks become really visible when i am tan. and the “flabby” is just fact. i could spend my days in the gym and it would still be there. i could lose 372956 lbs and it would be there. my body has been put through so much over the years and i am learning to accept it more and more each day, and i no longer dress to hide these things, but i definitely still have a pit in my stomach every time a kid stares a little too long or asks me to move my arm.

but anyway i will now still eat lunch

and then i will journal in my body acceptance journal that i specifically brought along in my carry on bc i knew this would be difficult and i am ready to try

okay

bye 🤸‍♂️

[notcolleen]

im gonna take a second to be proud of myself for actually being assertive bc it paid off (literally!!!) and also vent abt family stuff and this is just a giant mess of words lol

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so i leave for a work trip to oregon tomorrow and as excited as i am, it’s actually the worst timing ever bc 1) my family is having a memorial for my aunt tomorrow and i feel incredibly selfish for not being there and 2) my direct family (brother, middle sister, mom, dad) all have covid or assumed covid and it’s just a chaotic mess at that house rn

and this trip all happened really last minute (i got the email asking if i was interested on the 9th, everything was finalized on the 10th, found out my brother tested positive on the 11th) (i have tested negative every day since then and will test again before i leave) and bc of that/the covid situation i felt bad asking anyone in my family to help out with any logistical barriers (ie pet care while im gone, travel to/from airport, etc)

i finally did ask my oldest sister if she’d be able to watch phoebe and she’s totally fine with that, which is great bc i was literally 2 seconds away from paying someone random online just to avoiding inconveniencing her lol

and i was planning on taking a lyft there and i knew that would be ✨pricey✨ bc it’s 1.5 hrs away so i was just trying to mentally accept the cost of it (bc ultimately it’s worth it for the whole experience of traveling) but my anxiety kinda took off when i looked it up and it was $130 each away 💀

so i sent a text to my dad on wednesday asking if he would be able to drive me back from the airport on the 20th if he did not have covid and was feeling well

and he left me on read 🧚

so after a very frustrating conversation with my mom today (where she called me selfish for not considering the cost of tolls and gas rn) (which i was 100% going to pay if he drove, which i would have told him had he replied back) i ended the phone call in very dramatic tears and was like okay either im paying ~$260 and i can let that anxiety sit with me the whole trip (bc major ~scarcity mindset even with money) (it’s the worst!!!) or i can send an awkward email to the company asking if i could be reimbursed for that expense and hope the best

so i emailed a man named david whom i’ve never met (well first i edited my email until it no longer resembled a “sorry for existing !!! also no worries if not :)))) thank you so much even if not!! :))” monologue) and he responded right back with $400 worth of uber gift cards, no questions asked

and im still just sitting here amazed at how being an assertive adult / asking for things with the mindset of “the worst u can hear is no” can benefit you (also i still have to get used to working for a big company bc before this i worked for a childcare company based out of our towns little church and we were expected to pay for so much out of pocket and this company is just like gift cards all around and it’s so different)

(so now i have moved on to being anxious abt the 1.5 hr uber ride and hoping the driver is okay with literally 0 small talk) (i have more rambling thoughts re: birthdays and family resentment and expectations but this is long enough so goodbye thank u if you read this 😌)

[notcolleen]

👹👹👹

(part ii)

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me desperate enough to google “how to make ur period come faster” and getting met with “take your birth control”, “have sex” and “exercise” lmao 🤠👻 oh and also eat pineapple which i am genuinely considering placing a grocery order just to buy (also just bc i love pineapple)

i have done absolutely nothing for the past two days and as someone who is fairly active in general / even outside of the whole “i have an eating disorder thing” it’s still really hard for me to have days where i do literally 🚫🚫🚫and i wish i were in a place where it didn’t affect other aspects of my life but unfortunately my recovery is not there rn (i also feel like ppl think im in denial of where im at lol but it’s more like, im trying to be slightly less “put everything out on the internet” and more “live my life at whatever stage it’s at while being aware that the majority of my followers/friends on various social media are in recovery”)

and i am documenting this to say i know i need to make a doctors appointment specifically to figure this pms/pmdd shit out bc i can’t keep doing this every month lol 

i did however watch rugrats in paris and that certainly helped the mental/“lol i want to die” aspect of it all 🧚‍♂️

[notcolleen]

also i am frustrated bc my parents bought a $400 65inch TV, which in itself is fine! spend ur $$$ how you want!!

but:

my mom said she doesn’t have it to send lol

okay 🤸‍♂️😌

[notcolleen]

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i hate when it gets so bad that i end up praying that im getting my period bc otherwise the way im feeling makes no sense and is really really worrying out of nowhere

bc ive actually been doing so much better mentally and then yesterday/today?? kinda wanna die 😌 and the thoughts don’t feel natural anymore which makes it that much more jarring to have them running around my head all day

and ive been on the verge of tears all day (and have actually cried at least three times lol) and just irrationally annoyed at everything and feeling super super sensitive (and my mom has made me cry at least twice alone lol and family dynamics just suck and i hate that im so sensitive to them)

plus at the risk of sounding Actually Insane, sometimes around my period my internal dialogue actually becomes shouting? like it’s not hearing other voices so no one get a psych hold on me 🤸‍♂️ it’s literally my own inner monologue that becomes so loud and i start to feel very very ⁉️👁👄👁‼️ and question everything

but then my menstrual cycle has always been so irregular that 90% of the time i experience these extreme pms/pmdd symptoms and end up not getting my period after all and the cycle starts all over monthly 🙌 i love having a female body 🙌 i love having a human body 🙌 i love being alive 🙌 (i say pmdd bc i feel like this is something i have tracked over the years but it’s been so difficult to get effective help for it so please no one come at me for self diagnosing lol) (all two tumblr followers ive maintained over the years) (i love you even when i hate the world)

[notcolleen]

i am grateful that ect is an effective treatment for me and doesn’t effect my memory that much

but it does give me a strange sense of deja vu during treatments that i can’t fully place, so ive been reliving half formed rainrock/renfrew/college/oregon/princeton/etc memories, and i remember something similar happening in the past. it’s not even unpleasant, just unsettling and throws me off lol the brain is fucking weird 🫠