notdoingcoke - Tumblr blog

[notdoingcoke]

Sugar was the main thing that kept me me going through life

[notdoingcoke]

Missing college park

[notdoingcoke]

The only thing I can hold onto these days is anger, it feels like. All my emotions start from there… but my anger is strong willed and short lived. Easily soluble. I just wish niggas was as real as me so I ain’t have to get all retrospective and shit. I want what I want, how I want it. Needed what I needed when I was younger. But the endearment I thought was possible was never obtainable in full, for me. I see what I see and I say that’s life. But why fight? I need a reason, give me a reason to want more; outside of the love of money and sound

[notdoingcoke]

Every calculation I ever made was always worth it, for me. The question was, how do I build off of it? Why do I choose to? Why can’t I feel what I feel I was intended to feel? Resentment, discontent, even jealousy. It’s been so long. I remember talking about how those feelings would grow to be a thing of the past. I’m appreciative of it, but this side of the moon is devoid of light. It opens me up to a new side of myself I claimed to desire to be, while simultaneously laying waste to what should, and would’ve been an invigorating experience, regardless of the type invigoration evoked; positive or negative. But I was so involved then. The alienation of my soul lets my apathy grow into a feeling I’ve never been able to sit with before. It’s like I’m living in nostalgia. The moment is never current for me, and it feels so intoxicating that way

Nevertheless, I let my disappointment roll off my shoulders. I chalk every negative aspect up to an inevitable crux of human interaction. I developed a notion of what should be my mental sensation at any given moment, but that same cognizance holds me prisoner. I release either too much or too little these days; more often than not, the latter. The game ain’t fun for me that way. But if you deserve the lie then what can I do

[notdoingcoke]

Why does she do this to me at the worst times

[notdoingcoke]

[notdoingcoke]

[notdoingcoke]

It’s all on me. Is that good or bad?

[notdoingcoke]

As annoying as I say my grandma is, she’s the only person who has always had my best interest ahead of hers. I don’t even make music for my own gain anymore, I need her to feel success for once

[notdoingcoke]

My idea of love is ruined. Is that good or bad? I don't know for real. Used to be so deep into the idea of having one bitch, forever. Only looking at one bitch. Only fucking one bitch. It was something I prided myself on; way back when I ain't even like using that 'bitch' word. I still remember the first time I went through her phone, two years ago this month; conversation on conversation on conversation talking bout how fine some nigga is, how she'd fuck so and so, sending screenshots of my messages to people, talking shit bout how I was this and that to her friends

The point is, fast forward to today and I can't feel anything for longer than an hour. That shit replays in my mind every time I feel for too long. I done watched a woman who claimed to really love me, completely switch on me. It doesn't even start with just cheating. It's the lil shit society normalizes. I don't think women are real romantics, will always believe they're opportunists. I know what it's like to truly only have eyes for one person. But knowing that will never be reciprocated for me, takes away from any ability to experience that. It's not just"girl talk to me, it makes me sick and it made me crumble before. I don't know WHY niggas put up with this from bitches.If I ever went through anything like that again it'd take a lot for me not to smack a bitch, cause why you disrespecting me just cause I'm not around? Niggas knew not to step to me on no shit like that, cause they knew I was in love. Crazy how I was acting as the female in that situation. seeing that destroyed me. Getting cheated on destroyed me. But you get over it to be honest

move smarter in my new relationship; It's just a waste. Even if dated her first, it would be a waste because I didn't have the facilities to pilot a relationship. I do now, even though my mind doesn't want me to. Everything negative that happens just drives me up the wall and I can't stand it. Am I bound to having a dog and just fucking bitches? I like having fun. I don't find complete fulfillment in life in sex or women... but doesn't everyone need a companion at some point? I needed a bitch that reminds me of how I used to be. Now it's all a waste. I'm not here to keep tabs and waste time checking phones anymore. I simply enjoy my time but I can't allow myself to relax how i used to, because I don't look at women the same as I used to. I'm here to have fun. The vulnerability aspect of relationships throws me off, cause I know how hoes act when they not being watched

I don't care about the last bitch or any of that anymore, but I can't be comfortable in relationships anymore. I cannot feel anymore. I need to back off no matter the situation- I don't know if that's good or bad, but it's never gonna change. It feels natural now.

it's funny cause l'm comfortable not being "comfortable”. I like that my emotions aren't tied to how a woman acts until I'm irritated, and even that dissipates quickly. I don't think everything is worth ending a relationship over though. It is what it is. Nobody is really perfect, but I needed a woman who was perfect in those ways to start off. I say trust is pointless, even though it's an unfortunate (but real) way of thinking. But I think if I didn't see all of that then I wouldn't be as cynical as I am today. Ion care what a chick got going on if it ain’t a girlfriend to me. But if I’m claiming you (god forbid), I’d rather that ho be psycho over me than anything but 100% faithful to me

[notdoingcoke]

Show me what it feels like

[notdoingcoke]

[notdoingcoke]

Having to distance myself from people I got money with, been through hell with, and considered family in a way since the beginning is tiresome. Everybody outgrow everything. I can’t be on no double life shit forever. #free Body and long live Deandre and OZ. Only niggas I knew who always went black truck anywhere so the whole hood could see. Dumb nigga shit.

[notdoingcoke]

Relationships take a serious toll on my mental for some reason still. I thought this shit would be over, it just comes in different ways. It’s like ptsd, don’t think it’s that serious though

[notdoingcoke]

This shit so stressful I’m never cuffing none again ngl

[notdoingcoke]

How come I’m the only one who ever believed that story