nothing-ramblings

[nothing-ramblings]

"I don't know how much longer I can do this", I think to myself for the tenth time that day. It's only morning and nothing bad has happened, yet the thought keeps repeating in my head, with no plans to leave.

"I don't know how much longer I can do this". Violent images flash through my brain, unprompted. Pain, anger and despair, I stare at our knives as I do the dishes and see them digging into skin, my own skin, cutting, stabbing, until my own mother finds me, horrified, as I lie in a pool of my own blood, crying and screaming. I wash away the soap and put the knives away, I could never do that to her. I don't want to. I'm haunted by the fear that someday I might.

"I don't know how much longer I can do this." I smile to my therapist at the end of our session as I hang up the call. We talked about my week, I feel better for a moment. I'm making progress, small steps. It's been a decade. How many more small steps until I get somewhere? My anxiety continues to paralyze me, my life has been on hold, a VHS that was paused and forgotten about, cursed to never go forward, never reach a conclusion.

"I don't know how much longer I can do this". I wake up at 5am to the sound of gunshots, is it rival gangs or a police operation? Physically I know I'm safe and that's all I could ask for. I should be thankful. I wait for the day a stray bullet finds me. There's gunshots again that night.

"I don't know how much longer I can do this."I try to ask my psychiatrist a question and she brushes me aside, says I'm just shy and won't even hear my request. I quietly let her ignore me again. She's in a rush again, despite being the one who arrives late everytime. Another prescription, no time to talk, no time to see, I'm just another name on today's list. I can't afford to find a new doctor.

"I don't know how much longer I can do this." Another day passes. Another week. Month. Year. I question my strength every step of the way, but I keep going. I don't see a future for me, but I keep going. I'm sure things will never get better, but I keep going.

I stare at knives, lost in thought, but I keep going.

I question if therapy is really helping me, but I keep going.

Gunshots ring out, not too far away, and I panic again, but I keep going.

I'm invisible to the doctor that should be helping me though this, but I keep going.

I kept going for too long, I can't stop now, even if there's nothing to gain.

I don't know how much longer I can do this.

[nothing-ramblings]

havent rambled in a while which might seem lile things have been fine but actually i just forgot this blog existed. honestly the whole purpose of this is i have a weird unreasonable sense of guilt if i ramble/vent on my main so i figured id make a side blog but instead i just bottle shit up which is stupid this is supposed to be a thing that helps me process thoughts and emotions whether its about laios autism or personal things

anyway. i have to go to the dr tomorrow but i dont have an appointment which means ill be waiting for hours unsure of when she'll be able to see me. This isnt even a choice im making, the clinic called me and asked me to do this because my test resulta came back and my tsh levels r way too high (TSH is a thyroid hormone, i have hypothyroidism) so the dr needs to see me asap but she doesnt rlly have any opening on her schedule so ill have to go and wait

theres a whole bunch of reasons this is stressing me out to the point in making a rambly tumblr post at 2am

1. i checked the symptoms for hypothyroidism (most of my life my meds had been thebright dosage so i forgot what the symptoms felt like) and it explains like 70% of the shitbive been struggling including my worsening depression. this means the logical conclusion to fixing my meds would be i get better and i can finally do things instead of being in bed all day too exhausted to live. But ofc being a person with anxiety i am terrified that i might not get better at all and maybe theres something inherently broken with me.

2. The eait time is usually very long. Because of the fucked up hormone i mentioned i have been struggling with fatigue, so the idea of the long wait is stressful. When i get tired i get easily overstimulated. And theres always too many people in the upstairsnwaiting room which makes me feel claustrophobic, and then the downstairs waiting area has a metal ramp that kids love running up and down being extremely loud and parents dont bother to stop them cause they dont care if their children are fisturbing other sick ppl ig. i dont blame the kids for this, they're bother and full of energy, but the loud metal thunk thunk thunk as they run makes me feel like im going to die. thats not an exageration. i feel awful.

3. I have way too many things to discusss w the doctor that are possibly related to the fucked hormone levels and idk if shes gonna listen to me cause i have way too many memories of doctors not rlly listening to me.

I dont want to go. I need to, because the sooner as i fix the dosage the sooner i might regain at least some energy. And then i wont feel so useless cause ill be able to exercise or help around the house more. So i know i have to go, i just really dont want to and im extremelynstressed about that which wont help my sleep. And bad sleep wont help the fatigue ill already have to deal with. and im tired and a mess and i want this to be over with.

ig thats the vent idk. gn?

[nothing-ramblings]

i DO think laios is "autism creature" autistic. I think he's actually a great example of that. Most of the time i see the autism creature associated with special interests and hyperfixations and there's no way you could argue that's not a trait he has, it's a major plotnpoint that drives the story forward along with his other motivation. Something I also see a lot is the austism creature being used as an example of cluelessness, because of its expression. How are you gonna point to his social awkwardness, the fact that he's literally completely clueless about making people uncomfortable unless it's explicitly stated to him, and say he doesn't fit that description. I'n not sure what "tumblr" autism is supposed to mean, the person was probably talking about the more palatable traits people discuss more openly, but do you really think people aren't socially awkward in this webbed site?

i saw a rlly good post reacting to someone else's rotten take, unfortunately at the time i was too tired to read the full post and i ended up losing it, so i don't remember what all it said but basically the rotten take was calling laios creepy (in a "funny haha way" to disguise it) due to his traits, and op of the post i saw was explaining how that's fucked up. I think from what I skimmed it was very personal, comparing their own experiences to laios and honestly that might be my favorite thing about him. He doesn't just have the "palatable" traits that people are comfortable seeing. He is clueless, he had no idea someone disliked him, he even thought they were close friends, because that person never let him know when he was crossing a boundary until it was too much. Soon after this almost the opposite happens, where he doesn't believe someone else wants to be his friend, because now he's aware that he can't pick up on social cues, and he also knows he caused this person discomfort before, so why would they want to be his friend? He's "messy" in that he has a lot of traits people like to avoid when talking about autism, because it's stuff neurotypicals don't like.

He's literally that kid who people would be like "oh well if i knew he was autistic i wouldn't have treated him badly" (which is stupid, you should treat people well in general and not be an asshole then apologize because someone is actually neurodivergent or mentally ill). And guess what? He has friends who love him. They know he's awkward and clueless and has "weird" interests and they still love him. He has people who will stand up for him even after coming to the conclusion that he's "a little creepy" because they know he's a good person, and they like his honesty. Someone explicitly admits they envy his ability to be so openly himself, even after that same person tried to frame that trait as a bad thing, because they realized what they hated wasn't laios honesty but the fact that laios is able to act that way, while most people feel trapped by social rules and don't have that same freedom to be themselves. Laios can be himself not because society accepts him, in fact the first assumption when the elves learn he likes monsters is that he must be prone to evil. Because that's weird and creepy. Society does not accept him. His friends do. His sister does, she loves him and looks up to him as an adult as much as she did as a child. He has a support system. He is loved. Even people who don't necssarily love him know he could never become evil, even if they also think his special interest is a bit creepy. Because they know laios, actually know him, and they know that in his awkwardness he's still a kind person. He misses a lot of social cues, sometimes he says things that are tone deaf without realizing at all, and his friends know he means no harm. He just struggles with these things.

I think laios is a very good example of how nobody is unlovable, regardless of how awkward or clueless you might be, even if your special interest is something perceived as creepy. To me Laios is a reminder for anyone who needs to hear it that you are deserving of love too. Maybe you just beed to find a better support system, and that might take a while, but there's people who will love you the way you are, and accept you the way you are

[nothing-ramblings]

you know, i get it. sometimes ita hard not to be a selfish prick. its not that i think everything is about me, i dont, but when you've been consistently feeling shit for ao long its hard not to look at every bad thing, including minor inconveniences, thinking "well ofc this is gonna happen why wouldnt it?" and maybe you know its not about you. logically i know its not about me. sometimes people's healing journey makes them realize they have to leave an environment that hurt them, and that might include cutting contact qith you even if you're friends. doesnt mean you fucked up. its just unfortunate that your friendship reminds them of a bad time in their life. and as a friend that best ypu can do is be proud and supportive that they're finally finding themself and choosing their own happiness

but it rlly fucking sucks to realize your existence has a negative effect on someone and it's not even for something you did, just the unfortunate circumstances of how you met.

so yes ofc i wish them the best and i want them to be happy and be themself and stop hiding behind a mask even of that means we wont talk anymore

but its pretty hard to NOT be selfish and add this to the pist of things ill use o make myself feel awful for existing. Cause everybody leaves ig. At least this time they had the decency of communicating with you and being honest. But at the end of the day it is what it is. People leave. They move on with their lives. Some of them will drop you overnight w half assed excuses and shatter your heart like a crystal glass as they do. Some will just go quiet. Maybe it's nothing, you just lost touch. Maybe you ask them what's going on because its the first time in years of friendship w basically no contact the whole year. And they'll say it's nothing, but continue not talking to you, which makes it seem like ur being ghosted but you cant even be sure and the limbo of not knowing hurt more. And sometimes people just need to do whats best for them. And you're associated with a bad memory. So they have to go. And its gonna hurt even if you understand and even if you respect them. Of course it's gonna hurt. It's hard not to, when any friendship fades, but all the more so when in the same year people keep leaving and you decelop abandonment issues.

idk where im going w this. been a shit year and my self esteem keeps dropping. if i didnt have pets and one person who i know would be hurt by it, idk if id have survived 2023 tbh.

Existing feels rather pointless right now

[nothing-ramblings]

its currently 1am in my timezone and I just made this blog on a whim because i cant stop thinling about this stupid thing isaw months ago and its too late to bother my friends about it so hi

i dont remember how long ago exactly but its been a few months- i saw a post calling ouran problematic for the whole "incest thing". at the time i ignored it cause i hate confrontation but sometimes it comes back to haunt me by which i mean annoyingly take up space in my mind

now i havent read the manga, but i did watch the qnime and i believe the post was specifically about the anime. now maybe they just quit it very early on or maybe we just have very different interpretations but the anime i watched did not in fact have any incest in it. it did have kaoru and hikaru playing with that trope at the host club, and iirc trying to shock their nanny at one point? but thats the main thing here, and it's something the anime does a lot, they are playing with the trope.

while i can understand that being enough to cause discomfort i feel like its not only inaccurate but also unfair as i feel like it discredits the way the show makes fun of these common tropes in reverse harem (the genre it's a part of). no actual incest happens in that anime, in fact both brothers happen to have a crush on haruhi as is the rule w this type of anime and i think one of them even decides to step back for his brother.

now why am i rambling about this months after i saw a random post? mostly because im trying to sleep and my brain is going in circles on this topic. but also because it does genuinely bother me.

im not comfortable with incest in the media i consume either, i also know it can be a trigger for some people (then again anything can be a trigger), and some people just dont like it because they think its morally reprehensible to even write about it, while others are huge fans of game of thrones the incest show! im not here to talk morality because thats a whole other topic about howuch you believe fiction affects reality and im not here for that, im here for a stupid too-long anime post about nothing important. the thing is calling it incest when it isn't just feels misleading and once again discredits the thing the show likes to do of mocking these tropes, its silly to point at a parody and claim its supporting the thing its actually parodying. i dont think thats how those work but i could be wrong idk!

i just think that, if you don't like somehing you watched or read or whatever, you can just say so without making up a reason to call it problematic, or taking smth out of context to call it problematic. hell idk maybe there IS smth u could call problematic about ouran, there must be seeing as no media is flawless, i just think calling the hikaru and kaoru bit "incest" kinda downplays actual incest which like. Maybe people are trying to avoid? and maybe some of those people would think the joke is gross while others wouldnt rlly care.

At least specify its not actual incest and ur just uncomfortable w them pretending to be. thats totally fair!!! just dont call it smth it isnt idk

anyway i rlly like these lil shits even if their schtick is kinda iffy kinda weird

[nothing-ramblings]

if you've somehow found your way here, hello!

my name is [blank*], im over 20 years old, my pronouns are she/he, i dont mind "they" but its not my preference

(*i'm not fully sure on what i want to go by tbh)

this blog was made with the sole purpose of me being able to ramble away when my brain is too full and i need to let it out. i doubt my posts will get much attention if any since this is all for myself but if you ARE here because you disagree with something I said, please just block me. genuinely, this is basically a trash can for random thoughts, i dont want any discourse about my Wrong Media Opinions

think of it kinda like a journal ig?

Thank u for understanding have a nice day