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[nothowitsupposedtobe]

When I am dead

pls play any song or more from 'Garth Stevenson'. This will set the mood and no idiot needs to show of his impressive but still not great piano skills. (Sorry guys but it is just not the same as Garth) And then when my urn gets dragged to my grave I want the song 'Angels may' by 'Dan Reeder'. This will be the only song with a singer but it will give hope and it will have this deep simplicity that will just fit. I want everyone to listen to the song! Also I want a weeping willow tree planted on my grave. It will last, is beautiful and gives something to the world. I dont like tulpes or canled on graves. They are ugly as fuck. I think thik is all possible. At least I hope so. But to make things clear when I am dead I will be a narcisstic piece of shit because I am and here is why. On my bright blue chucks is a sentence. Ever thought about quoting me in your speech at my funeral? No? You should do it. Do something special and no the 0815 speech everyone gets. I know ya'll loved me. You will remember me. blah blah blah. Heard it already. Dig into my social media! Dig into my room! Dig through my life! I am dead! What am I supposed to do?! Kill you?! haha. Well beside tumblr I have Instagram and twitter. Reditt too but not long so we will ses if it contains something deep about me when I am gone. Sometimes I do post stuff like the real meaning of my tattoo on there. Take this and use it in your speech. What do you think of my tattoo now bizz?! Tell them! Or tell them the memory of me where I did this one thing and for some reason it stuck in your head. Why us this stuck there? What did I do?! Be creative! Bring everyone to tears if they not already are! On my shoe there is this sentence "I want them to cry like they never did before." Its true. Like this is a hell to of honesty. When I am dead I want everyone to realize what they lost with my death! I want them to be sobbing on the ground. I want them to suffer! And I know this is narcissistic but after my death I will be and you need to be cool with that. I mean I am dead right? But dont get me wrong. I dont want to be a bad person. This sentence means that I need to try my very best in anything. Trying to keep my cool. Not judging people. Bring feelings where there need to be and be rational if needed. Be there for people at any time even if you hate them or they hate you because when you are dead and they hear this... they maybe hopefully think about the time you gave them a sheet of paper in school even if they were an asshole. And they will ask themselfes why and why you did this until they realize that you didnt lose hope on them. You really honestly tried to see through this shitty wall they have build and you saw their suffering. Yes I am talking about you Jafaar but I actually dont think that you will hear from my death. You need to be nice and not just pretend. You need to be nice as fuck bizz!!! Everyone else needs to come first because a) it kind of doesnt work to put themselfes first and b) I wanted to die anyways so it would be otherwise a waste of time lol. What I wanted to say is that I always imagine that every person I meet gets a little piece of me and then they gather around on my funeral. This is why it is so god damned important to find like EVERYONE to come. And then all the pieces get together and everyone is even more shocked because nobody knew the whole kiki. I want them to say things like "I dont understand. She always seemed so happy."Sorry but with my death I want to deastroy and wreck some worlds. (Lol Max remember my nickname 'Mrs.Wreckingball?' My time has come. xD)

And thats it. Now you know that I am actually a really narcisstic person. So be angry! Especially at my funeral. Finally let it out man! Now is the time to cry and punsh some holes in the wall without someone questioning it. Let all your anger out from all your life! But be carefull. In like 1-2 months this time window is closed. Be fast. And quote me pls. I really want to share all my thoughts to everyone. I also have this notebook only phillip knows about. I want everyone to be able to read it and get access to my social media shit. Maybe they are mentioned anywhere there. Make sure my thoughts get around!

[nothowitsupposedtobe]

My life feels like a lie

Like I lied to myself. Its crazy! What did I think?! That I will get famous with that hobby I love?! That I could raise enough money with my collection of pretty stones? Gosh why was I like that as a child?! Why did nobody showed me what the real world is about?! I mean "at least" my mom didnt let me be an actor cause that would be an unsecure job but at the same time... at that time I maybe could have learned to be a good actor and make a little money out of it. Now? Gosh do you know how hard it is to get a job as an actor outside of america with no drama school degree or any preferences?! It just doesnt work with my current state. My depression pushes me to move out from home in hope it gets better. I definetly cant afford an appartment while going to drama class or something like that. I probably need a job to even have the money to get in there. My mom cant help me with money. No job in this earth gives you enough money to live on your own while still giving you enough time to sleep and to go to school. Okay so this dream is gone. Now I thought I grow up and become something serious. I wanted my a-levels to study work and organisation psychology. This dream is gone because I am a little fuck with an allergy to school. I dropped out because I just couldnt stand it anymore. DEPRESSION IS FUCKING HORRIBLE!!! I also lost a year because I wanted to change schools to get a little space from my friends. After all these years we started to break apart. My plan worked in this part. We are still really good friends but it was the worst school experience I have ever had. My feelings got worse. I fucked up in everything I did. I hated it... so... fucking... much I cant breath. Luckily I got out there after two years and changed schools again... and then I dropped out. Dont you think that I knew what to do. Three months gone by with me in my bed crying with no plan. I NEVER... HAD... A PLAN. AND I STILL DONT. I need to move out and I will but the I need a job that pays enough but I wont like it and my depression will become worse again. Tell me what the fuck I should do?! Sometimes I think I should threat the ministry of education with suicide. That cant just let that go and let me die. That would immediently kill their immage. And if they change something everyone will get something out of it. Someone with me? I think maybe we could change the adress of area 51 to the different ministries so maybe it will be enough people lol.

[nothowitsupposedtobe]

Lets be honest. Here is my plan.

I will stay awake for like two days. Maybe just partying and drinking alk. So that way I am more that tired at the end. I would go to bed in the evening so I have nearly more than half a day to not be "found" Nobody would look in my room before dinner. Before I go to bed I would take like every pill I can find and take it in with alcohol. I would go to sleep and hopefully never wake up again. But I have one question. I saw a video a few days ago. I dont know what it was but it was nothing suicidal or something like that. There was just someone talking about the suicide of someone else in a conversation about something else. It was pretty random but it stuck to me. The person that that someone killed himself by taping a plastic bag over his had and went to sleep. Also my brother told me once about this experiment with this guy who wanted to experience if we would recognize it if our oxigen would go away. He was in a chamber and solves some puzzles or something and his assistant slowly turned down the oxigen. He didnt realized ANYTHING he just thought the puzzles were harder that the ones before even if one puzzle was the exact samd one he did before. He got very sleepy and when his assistent turned on the oxigen again he first realized how bad he felt. So if I add this plastic bag thing to my suicide plan. Would I maybe just stay asleep and die faster?

[nothowitsupposedtobe]

This devistating moment when you realize you are going nowhere

Like I said in an earlier post I am working on getting better an I am... I think? I have this down right now. I could kill myself but I know I should wait until tomorrow and start a new day. Wake up and focus on building my table. Feeding the rabbit from the neighbours and go to work. I should plan the next week. Go swimming to train for the firedepartment. I have the feeling I just put the depressive feeling in a box and shove it under my bed instead of making it better but even if it sounds bad I am living like "Fake it 'til u make it." I assume it just feels like that because I was used to feeling like that for a long time. But at the same time I find myself right where I was some weeks or months ago. No real plan for the future. Nothing to be exited about. It may sounds silly but I hope starting a new hobby by making a dokumentary about the area 51 raid and maybe teach myself to programming games? It seems like a long way but when a new employee today told me about this (she is studying it) it sounded pretty nice. Problem only would be that I wont have the money to pay for the institute where I can be professionally "trained" to have something I can show at future jobs. I just thought maybe if I can do it somehow by myself and maybe make something cool I can make at least like some extra money. Idk. Maybe a silly thing to do but I dont know what to do otherwise.

[nothowitsupposedtobe]

Think about this pls.

When I die please make a game show about who gets my stuff. That would be fun to watch as a ghost. Especially because I always loved watching game shows so frigging DO WHAT A DEAD PERSON TELLS YOU TO!!!

[nothowitsupposedtobe]

Hey guys. Check out the shirt I made. I just did this for fun but maybe someone is interested

[nothowitsupposedtobe]

Actually

I dont want to post any ana stuff because I seem to fail everytime and I cant really get back on track but I just had this thought. I am working full time. The only time I am home on work days are when my mother is gone. In the evening I am home when she is in bed. Actually... this is kinda the perfect time to do it again. And rn I am apartment hunting so when I live alone... it should be even easier. Should I try? Of course not. Its bad. But the question is meant like "Do you think I will fail again?"

[nothowitsupposedtobe]

RN its low life again but I refuse ro accept that

I came far this month when it comes to lifestyle, mood and kicking away this depressive feeling. I'll admit it is just as nirvana said "I miss the co.fort of feeling sad" or something like that. I would have loved to just lay in bed and cry about myself but nostly I didnt. Right now it kinda comes back but I still need to figure out if it is because of the things that happened. Or did the things happen because I feel so bad? I flunked the police test yesterday simply because I "didnt want to run anymore" and I feel dump because of this. I can retake the test but actually I dont really want to. I dont want to go to the police. I dont even know if I want to go to the firedepartment. I just dont know anymore and the feelings are coming back.

[nothowitsupposedtobe]

RN its low life again but I refuse ro accept that

I came far this month when it comes to lifestyle, mood and kicking away this depressive feeling. I'll admit it is just as nirvana said "I miss the co.fort of feeling sad" or something like that. I would have loved to just lay in bed and cry about myself but nostly I didnt. Right now it kinda comes back but I still need to figure out if it is because of the things that happened. Or did the things happen because I feel so bad? I flunked the police test yesterday simply because I "didnt want to run anymore" and I feel dump because of this. I can retake the test but actually I dont really want to. I dont want to go to the police. I dont even know if I want to go to the firedepartment. I just dont know anymore and the feelings are coming back.

[nothowitsupposedtobe]

My life is going upwards

I am really making progress recently even if I dont feel better because life is still scary no matter where I go. I dont understand humanity and I constantly have breakdowns and feel left out in groups and stuff.It doesnt get better. But at least I am not standing still anymore. I took the manager job at my work and I can find new strenghts of mine. I applied for the police and will aplly for the firedepartment in berlin. Today I was invited after two online tests to do the sport test and the interview. It will be hard and only a few will be taken but I try to be positive. Now I have no other chance than do sports until this day because I am in a terrible shape but this will be the first step for a more healthy life. I decided to quit alcohol completely at least to this day just to have the best chance. I will go swimming tomorrow and the next day to get my silver swimming batch so I can apply for the firedepartment. I need to be fit for both but I do it for myself too. The only thing thats really itching me right now is that these teo arent my first plans. Number one plan would be becoming an actor in musicals or creating some. Second would be making my A-levels and then study work and organisation psychology but I cant do these both because for this musical thing it is really hard to get in there. I have literally no experience accept for my unbearable love for this shit! Also it takes money that I dont have.

My second plan wont work out until I finish my A-levels but I have this really toxic relationship with school and I get anxiety just thinking about it. I am not too dump for this crap but my mental health wont play along. I tried it and I tried online school. Dont know what to get there.

Now I am trying for police and firefighter becausee of the money and because they are only things that come to my mind that I wont fail because of my mindset about it. I am really exited for it. It could actually help me for my life to go on!

Now I am trying to find an apartment and move out from my home because I just dont feel comftable there anymore. I need to be completely responsible for myself and concentrate on that. The new job gets the money in for that. I am really trying right now and I think I am going somewhere. I just hope I wont fall back.

[nothowitsupposedtobe]

I dont know how to feel

Kalin just send me an audio telling me how she felt at the moment. She is really depressed. She cries often and has panic attacks. The fear of being alone is also there. She told me she has these irrational thoughts about beeing not enough and ugly and bad and all that stuff. Even if I would say I feel the same I cant get over the feeling that I dont deserve to feel that way because she is worse than me. I need to be there for her! I feel like I need to feel worse to get on her level and being able to say that I understand. But at the same time I really try to get better and that way I would not be qualified for this helper position even if I know that actually you only need one person that hits the table for you once and for all and pushes you out of the hole to go this journal with you. I think I can no longer just sit there and only comfort people that tell me they are feeling depressed. There are enough people on this earth who can do this.

What I am writing here is pretty much nonsense but I was never good in putting my thoughts in words. I always have this quote of Nirvana in my head "I miss the comfort of being sad". I once read some years ago that this is also a depression thing. When you are stuck for so long in this depressive state you get used to it. It is maybe not good but it is stable. To lay in bed for days just thinking about nothing and trying to cut out the world is a horrible feeling but you had a bed! And a blanket and a roof over your head. There was at least this standart that would be there with you. Partly I think of it as, when you get better and you build yourself a better life you got more to lose. But on the other side I just heard the audio from Kalin and thought... now a really good cry and a little bit of screaming would be nice. But actually I feel no tears right now. It is in the middle of the night and I want to sleep but I cant. I am just awake watching videos on how to make carrot cake. And I dont want to talk things worse than they are but Michelle recently told me that being numb is actually a deeper state of depression because this is like giving up on everything even being sad all the time. She said that after I told her that I dont care about my state anymore. I told her that thinking about it kind of doesnt help so just push away the thoughts and go on with living this half ass life. Now I am thinking... is this it? Or am I really just better and dont have such a high at the moment? I dont know. I never know. I decided to really be there for Kalin and power through cause she really deserves it and for me just going on with life. Drinking water. Selling stuff on ebay (does anybody want a Keyboard for 110€?!) Trying to do the things I am supposed to do. I mean what could possibly happen right?... (szene change. I am laying on the ground in the rain in the middle of the night. I drank too much and finally took the hard painkillers I always have with me.) Yes I still have suicidal thoughts besides getting kinda better.

[nothowitsupposedtobe]

Were you ever that tired you couldnt hear your music anymore?

[nothowitsupposedtobe]

Just a quick thought

Do you have have these weird szenarios in your head of like dying or all that stuff? I have this new thing going through my head. If I would be in a coma for a not important reason. Who would I want to see when I wake up? Apparently its not my mom so I thought through some people in my mind and actually no one fits into this role. I mean I like some people and I like some people more. But even my best friends arent really qualified for it and its not that they arent worthy. Its just that I dont really get for what qualities I am looking for... I dont know exactly what it means but I actually think about it like a good way to find some really good people. Like... if they someday somehow land on the chair beneath my hospital bed... this will mean something!!!

[nothowitsupposedtobe]

amen 🙏🏻

[nothowitsupposedtobe]

My life is my 80Kg suitcase

Its weird. I dont know if someone else knows this feeling of building up adrenaline for a really hard task? Like imagine there is a 80Kg Suitcase (yes thats a heavy suitcase) in front of you and you need to lift it. Most of the time you cant because its god damned heavy duh! But I can create this moment of pure willpower where I just breath for a moment and then scream (mostly internally but u get the point). I then take the handle of the suitcase and just lift it up. All my muscels concentrate on only this task. And I bring this suitcase down the stairs to the car. In this moment the suitcase doesnt even feel heavy. I only feel it when I let loose and I am that weak piece of shit again. My muscels hurt but Ive done it so fuck that. Its pretty cool and van come in handy. Sometimes I could build up this willpower even for just long tasks like powering through this long run in school or something and I would get A's even if I never ran before and had a really bad stamina. I also were able to just concentrate on knitting an XXXL pullover (nothing I did but it works as an example). As long as I put up the willpower and pushed myself to do it I could. Now I thought I had lost this power. I couldnt run longer that I really could. I cant stand long tasks because it was so time consuming and even if I like the task I seem to just give up easily. FUCK MAN!!! I was able to pull myself out of this depressive hole after my dad died (yes this willpower was there but it wasnt really the best decision but thats a story for another post). Everyone went through puberty and had problems and cried and everyone seemd to become depressed and I lost my father and just 'decided' to get better and dont be that stereotype and be depressed because of my insignificant teen problems of life. It worked (kinda)! But now I didnt even seemed to be able to do this anymore. I am not able to do anything. And this brought me down so much that I didnt even tried anymore because I was scared of failing and then feeling bad. But like a week ago my subconcious mind seemed to bring myself up a bit. I am tired of feeling tired and not doing shit because I feel tired! Even if it doesnt work I will truly work on getting stuff done and with that getting better in general. I started with finishing building my bed. I cleaned my room and I have some little tasks like bringing out the trash and put some things on ebay. I actually wanted to do this last week but I got stuck again. Thing is that I only now decided all this so I dont feel too bad about it. On monday I start working on my bronze swimming badge (is this an german only thing?) with a friend. I do this to get qualified for the police school next year. I hope I get accepted because actually I dont know what to do if not. I am doing online school right now but I kinda stopped... and got stuck. This is a task I am really scared to start again because school is one of the reasons I feel so bad all the time. Okay so I have this plan now... only weird thing with all this is... I got even more suicidal. Less depressed but kind of suicidal. I have these bunch of strong pain killers with me... all the time? I also scratched my wrist by accident but I find myself thinking so much about just making that scar even bigger and deeper. Its so weird. Of course I thought about dying and killing myself before but now its a bit of a deep thought.

...

Just ignoring it.

[nothowitsupposedtobe]

Dear Hannah

I dont understand you. It is really hard for me to hang out with you because I just dont know what to think of you. For one part I want to be there for you. You are stressed of your current situation with the teamleader position, uni and so much more. You are in kind of a deep hole right now and I want to try to help you with just being there for you. You seemed to like it to just sit down and have a drink and talk. Its relaxing. And you say you like me. Thats nice. But at the same time you seem to hate me? We were coworkers and then I quit but I am still employed because of my overtime I need to get payed. I also help out at work if really needed. Now you are in charge of a lot of things because you need the money. There is also Flippa that wasnt even employed anymore and you never said something about that he should leave the work whatsapp group. Then he found another job and left by himself. Since then you kept making comments about what I am still doing in this group and stuff. You always made it seem like it was a joke but lets be real. Everyone knew you meant it. And so I left too. I mean why not. I understand this. But what confuses me is you texting me right after about why I just left and that it was just meant to be funny. I shrugged it off because what am I supposed to do? The teamleader said I should leave so I left. No questions asked. I told her if she really wants me back in this group just put me back. She never did or answered me on this message. And then I get a screenshot from another coworker from the group chat where Hannah and some others were jokingly crying about me leaving. Thats okay too I mean we are kind of like a family. But then I get another screenshot. Its a privat chat between Hannah and this other coworker named Kati. Kati asked Hannah what this was and told her to put me back in the group. Hannah just said that I was annoying and needed to leave because I dont work there anymore so I should leave. She never said anything to flippa. I shrugged this also off because I hate stress and I mean Hannah made her point to me. What am I supposed to do? I thought I made sure to only write usefull stuff in the group and only reply when I was not undermining an important message but maybe I was wrong. I just think its hard to hear.

But this isnt the only thing. When we are alone everything is cool. When we are in a group she seemed to hate me. Everything I do is weird and stuff. I mean like yes its again funny but sometimes it is so obviously that she just thinks I am annoying and it hurts! Dont tell me I am cool when we are alone but then destroy me when we are in a group. And I am not the only one who realized this exact thing. There is another person who thinks the same things about Hannah. I just think in Hannahs eyes we are not on her and the others level and she wants us to know but at the same time doesnt want to be the asshole. It just hurts. Just yesterday was a really little thing that happened but we were in the middle of a city. In the evening. And there was a cat. I already know I am weird and loud and kind of hyperactive so I really try to stop me from beeing too weird like screaming "THER IS A CAT!" when there is a cat. So I ignored the cat. But then two minutes later someone else screams the exact same thing and Hannah and some more started stalking the cat because she is cute and stuff. The only thing running through my head was "If I had said that I would get this annoyed funny look from Hannah and some comment that would underline how much of a weirdo I am. And it is just a cat." Its sad to not be able to time travel to test this exact thing. Its just hurtfull. Sometime Hannah seems to not realize how much she talks me down. She just does it. The even more sad part is that to few people seem to care. Like there is this other person who I said is experiencing the same thing. And yesterday another person also seemed to see this in this exact situation. But at the end everyone else doesnt seem to care because they just laught about the 'joke' Hannah wraps these comments in. I am so close to ening this friendshit. I am all about cutting out toxic people even when this would be my first time I actively do something insteadd of just slowly cutting the contact. But first I should talk about this with her.

I would like to think that this is all just because she is in an depressive and stressfull part of her life.

[nothowitsupposedtobe]

Everyone is like "Dont waste your time in school. These will be the best years of your life."

And I am like "Okay so why would I want a life thats even worse than this right now?"