notmonicasrealblog

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Haha... hahaha...I feel dead inside 🙃🙃🙃

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It's really fucking frustrating that even though it's been almost 2 years since the last attempt at contact, if I see anyone out or at work or anything who slightly resembles you a wave of anxiety rolls over me before I can finish the double take to be sure it's just some stranger. It's so fucking maddening to have lost the sense of security so much that even though I moved away and he has no idea where I live now, that it still seems possible that he could just pop up at some point.

Am I being egotistical here? I don't want to be, I'm not trying to be, I hope it never happens and that the idea seems absurd to him now too, but it just fucking sucks that that paranoia isn't going to go away anytime soon because he's made such a habit of popping up just when I thought he was gone.

[notmonicasrealblog]

Unpopular opinion

Unrequited love is the worst trope ever.

It's so fucking annoying. It's one thing if it's a misunderstanding-based "unrequited love" situation, that is later resolved. Otherwise it's so dumb. It's not real, it's a fantasy.

Romantic love is not a unidirectional concept. It's not an emotion, it's something that is formed from within a relationship. [Not to be confused with other types of love-family, friend, or even a wistful love of someone's personality (if that makes sense)]

You can be attracted to, lust for, be infatuated with, obsess over, be enamored with another person or persons from afar or even as a friend, but those things do not equal romantic love 99% of the time.

I'm not trying to be the kind of person to tell people how they feel, but there's nothing more frustrating than hearing someone talk about their case of "unrequited love" with a person they were never more than just friends with. This is mostly because more often than not all that person is doing is putting the object of their affection on a pedestal that even they couldn't live up to.

Yes, it's easier to put a name to strong feelings you may have, but calling it that is just bullshit. It doesn't make you a romantic, it's just you fooling yourself that if you had the chance to earn this person's love in return, you'd be able to.

So so dumb.

Rant over

[notmonicasrealblog]

You Season 2

So apparently Netflix is releasing a second season. Not sure if I want to watch it or not considering the crazy anxiety I got from the end of the first season...not that I think I was really in that kind of danger or anything, but just the idea of that kind of obsessive "love" and how far it can go...freaks me the fuck out. But then my morbid curiosity might get the better of me. We'll see I guess.

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Just some thoughts that I'm annoyed I still have...

Sometimes I still think about things that were said and done with him and it's really frustrating to me because I can't do anything to change the disgust that I feel. Not about all the shit that happened in 2015 thereafter, but everything before that.

I remember the things I would do and say just to please him and it truly disgusts me. How I'd objectify myself just to get his approval, and it's just so fucking embarrassing now. I can't even fully say I'm disgusted with him because...well maybe I can (forgive the stream of consciousness)...I originally was thinking I couldn't say it was him I was disgusted with because he thought I was a willing participant, that I was "into it," so it's my fault alone that I went along with things I wasn't comfortable doing. Thinking about it more, though, whenever I did something I wasn't comfortable with it was after he pressed the issue several times, some times after I explicitly said I wasn't comfortable doing it, and he'd say I just needed to break out of my shell.... I'm not absolving myself of responsibility for doing the things that embarrass me so much now, but I guess considering how young I was at the time, it's fair to say he took advantage.

And then there are some things that he said that I can never forget. They don't hurt me anymore, they just make me angry. Angry at him for saying them, angry at myself for forgiving him, for being weak enough to allow him to brush them under the rug or accepting some weak ass argument for why he said them because I just wanted things to be "good" again.

You might say I wasn't weak, I was young, naive, infatuated, taken advantage of, that it wasn't weakness that kept me there, but I can't fully agree with that. I consistently ignored the signs and my instincts that told me to get out because I was so desperate to feel loved and accepted by him. I know I'd never think this if I was an outsider of the situation, but I'll never be able to see that not as weakness. Maybe that's okay? I don't know.

Yes, I've grown from it. A lot. But some thoughts just don't go away. I'm pretty sure I deleted all of the chat logs between us, which was good. I can't even accurately quote the fucked up things he said at one point or another, not anymore, which I also think is good.

It just still bothers me that I'll never be able to get him to understand why so much of what he did and said was wrong.

Maybe he's grown too, maybe he's learned from the experience just like I did, but I doubt it. At least not learned enough.

A year and a half after all the shit went down, we spoke on the phone. He told me to tell him everything that he'd done and said that upset me, so I did. While I didn't love the idea of speaking to him, I thought it could be a catharsis of sorts for me as well as maybe, just maybe, help him to understand and learn from what happened between us. He owned up to a lot, some of which I think was genuine and some of which I now think could have been just to get back on my good side. But some things he just couldn't apologize for without standing by his point, which just says to me that he's sorry that he said it out loud, but he meant it and it was fair of him to mean it.

Not that it's necessary, but for any Friends fans out there, I liken it to that episode where they're all at a beach house and Ross and Rachel are trying to get back together. Rachel writes a long letter essentially of grievances and tells Ross that he needs to take responsibility for everything there and he falls asleep reading it but tells her he does take responsibility for it and they get back together. Then afterwards, even though he's finally gotten what he wants (their relationship back) he actually reads the letter and can't help but take back his word on it because he thinks it's so inherently wrong for him to be blamed for some of what she said. (Spoiler alert, they break up again).

Obviously a very different situation, but the same idea. He becomes a yes man to get back on her good side but he hasn't grown enough to see why what he did/said was actually wrong. I'm not going to get into specifics because that'll just lead me down a black hole of ridiculousness, but it does suck to know that it's likely that he'll just never get it. The self-righteousness will continue, as will the belief that anything is okay if he's "doing it for love."

Bah. Sometimes I just want to tell someone down here about all this shit just to get the reassurance that's he's a crazy asshole from someone new because it's so much easier to think about it in those terms. But that would just make me feel like I still need to get over it and it would also be ridiculous to bring it up again 5 years later, so Tumblr it is.

That's all folks.

[notmonicasrealblog]

Leave me the fuck alone. Stop trying to contact me. Stop trying to guilt me into talking to you. Stop trying to make me worry about you. I'm done with you. Just let the fuck go.

[notmonicasrealblog]

Attention: New Followers

My url/username is not a joke.  This blog is quite seriously not my real blog.  Therefore, if you like what you have seen on this blog, you should absolutely follow my real blog at magicallymusicalmagic.tumblr.com.

I apologize that my real blog is not named "monicasrealblog" to fit with this one.

Thanks you beautiful humans!

Monica

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President Barack Obama at the White House Correpondents’ Dinner. 

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Great men are forged in fire. It is the privilege of lesser men to light the flame, whatever the cost.

The War Doctor, The Day of The Doctor (via doctorwho)

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I was kind of disappointed when it wasnt the angels

Am i the only one who thought the angels were under the dust sheets?!?!?!?

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everything about this episode is not okay!

He was just trying to make Sammy’s favorite sandwich

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For always having my back.

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when you guys get girlfriends or boyfriends make sure to send this to them on your seven month anniversary with no context

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it’s over.

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