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POP TATE on Riverdale (2017- )

Requested by anonymous

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Riverdale Family Criminal Statistics

So far.

(Because I love this show and am a huge nerd).

FAMILY COOPER.

Hal Cooper. Serial Killer (deceased). Illegal activity: Well, a serial killer. Also, stole and destroyed evidence. Stalking… I’m sure he cheated on taxes and monopoly?!  Body count: 3, I think (I am forgetting someone, aren’t I?), on his own. Accessory: likely assists for whatever Penelope was doing.

Alice Smith (Cooper). Journalist (when she feels like it). Illegal activity: oh boy. Body count: 1 (that we know of). Accessory after the fact: 1.

Polly Cooper. Professionally shady. Illegal activity: Organ-stealing cult. Child endangerment. Body count: none officially (but I am putting her down for assists on Edgar’s whatever).

Betty Cooper. Permanently exasperated sunshine with a sharp edge. Illegal activity: well, yes. Body count: please, show, do not give her body count! Do not touch my child! She’s been through enough! Accessory after the fact: 1.

Cooper-Adjacent: Charles Smith. FBI agent. Illegal activity: Misuse of government property, abuse of power, coverup, illegal wiretapping, illegal search, conspiracy to commit any number of crimes. Also “FBI For High Schoolers” program” is crime enough. Body count: 1 (share of Chic’s known crime, pre-Cooper infiltration/pre-Gargoyle King; also: might be a serial killer). Accessory after the fact: 2.

FAMILY JONES.

Forsythe Jones Sr. Mean drunk/abusive father and husband. Illegal activity: no doubt petty crimes associated with the gang. Body count: unknown, but wouldn’t put it past him (I don’t trust you, Sr.! I don’t care how good a writer you were!).

FP Jones. Lesser mean drunk. Also currently Sheriff (which will never not be hilarious). Illegal activity: Well documented, including serving time. Body count: 0.5? (I mean, he almost accomplished it?). Accessory after the fact: 2.

Gladys Jones. Criminal and proud of it. Technically: mechanic. Illegal activity: her entire career. Body count: unknown (but come on, you know she did). Accessory after the fact: ditto.

Jughead Jones. Permanently exasperated observer of human nature perpetually forced to participate. Illegal activity: well, yes. Body count: please, show, do not give him body count! Do not touch my child! He’s been through enough! Accessory after the fact: 1.

Jellybean Jones. A Bean! Illegal activity: Has done nothing wrong in her life ever and is not going to (I know, I know!)! Go to your room, young lady, and do homework! :)

Jones-Adjacent: Charles Smith. See Family Cooper.

FAMILY LODGE.

Hiram Lodge. A Very Bad Dude (even by Riverdale standards), currently running for Mayor because of course he is. Illegal activity: oy (I don’t have that kind of time). Body count: personally, unknown (but wouldn’t put it past him); by proxy, numerous (how many people died in the gang war alone that he incited?). Accessory after the fact: all of them; covers it up every time.

Hermione Lodge. Former Mayor. Morality Free Zone. Illegal activity: comes into at least half-share of her husband’s deeds. Body count: 2 (that we know of, clearly knows her way around a gun). Accessory after the fact: 1 (again, that we know of).

Veronica Lodge. Permanently exasperated mafia princess with one foot perpetually out the door. Illegal activity: a lot, for a 17-year-old (actually, a lot for any-year-old). Body count: 1 (self defense). Accessory after the fact: none (that I can remember).

Lodge-Adjacent: Hermosa Lodge. Private investigator. Number One Daughter. Illegal activity: if she didn’t drop any bodies herself, she sure knows where they are buried. Body count: unknown (but wouldn’t be shocked). Accessory after the fact: ditto.

FAMILY ANDREWS.

Fred Andrews. Deceased. A Riverdale rarity—decent parent. Rest in Peace and Respect.

Mary Andrews. Attorney. Illegal activity: none? Unless I’m forgetting something? Body count: none. Accessory after the fact: give her some time, she just got here.

Archie Andrews. Human Disaster.  Illegal activity: yikes (and most of it kind of by accident). Body count: 1 (tangentially, the dude was set up). Accessory after the fact: none (but not for the lack of trying). Bear attacks: 2 (1 and a half, to be accurate).

Vegas Andrews. A Very Good Boy.

FAMILY BLOSSOM.

Nana Rose Blossom. Octogenarian (I think?). Professionally creepy. Illegal activity: everything ever to do with Blossom nightmare estate, family, and lore. Also, human trafficking and child endangerment. Body count: unknown (but likely numerous). Accessory after the fact: ditto.

Clifford Blossom. Deceased. Illegal activity: Everything you can think of. And a few things you can’t. Also: wigs. Body count: 1 (probably more, he was way too comfortable shooting someone in the head for a first-timer). Accessory after the fact: unknown (but lest’s face it: yes).

Claudius Blossom. Deceased. Illegal activity: attempted murder, drug trade, probably everything else. Body count: unknown (but highly probable). Accessory after the fact: ditto.

Penelope Blossom. Madam. Serial Killer. Illegal activity: she is a madam; and a serial killer. Body count: too many (way more successful than Hal). Accessory after the fact: ditto.

Cheryl Blossom. Gothic Heroine. Cry for Help. Illegal activity: grave robbery (serial), actual robbery (serial), break-ins (serial), reckless endangerment (those bows and arrows). Body count: unknown (but … bows and arrows). Accessory after the fact: ah … maybe?

Jason Blossom. Deceased. Currently residing in the Blossom family chapel and dispensing fashion advice. Anyyyyyway. Illegal activity: brief unsuccessful foray into the drug trade. Body count: none. Accessory after the fact: seriously, he super dead.

Julian Blossom. A doll. Illegal activity: haunting (or is this legal?). Body count: none so far. Accessory after the fact: he is a doll!

Blossom-Adjacent: Toni Topaz. Pretty Poison in dire need of a new place to live. Illegal activity: robbery (serial), break-ins (serial), some of those outfits are a crime. Body count: 1 (defense of her gf). Accessory after the fact: does burying and digging up Jason count?

I am sure I am forgetting something. Additions/corrections appreciated!

[notriverdale]

[notriverdale]

riverdale moodboards: forsythe pendleton (jughead) jones iii - “artist!jughead”

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riverdale moodboards: cheryl blossom - “pretty in pink”

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Everything in Riverdale automatically becomes x10 funnier when you remember these are literal children

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cute ♥️

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Student Body President Blossom and

First Lady Topaz

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Is that’s Bettys hair?

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Do you think these Louboutins are too flashy for Kombucha brewing?

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I literally never do video edits, and this is super rushed and super bad, but I really wanted to share it with someone because I’m a huge gay mess! 

Enjoy xo

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Camila Mendes as ’Shelby Pace’ in The Perfect Date (2019).

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If Riverdale was set in Romania

Well, firstly, it would be called Râureni.

Betty Cooper is nicknamed Veta not Betty and actually their last name is Cupru. So Betty Cooper is actually Veta Cupru and she wants to work for Adevarul when she grows up. Alice Cooper went from being a mom on Schimb de mame to presenting In premiera cu Carmen Avram . Hal Cooper is a PSD member, whose dad used to be a torționar back in old communist days. Her sister is still a teen mom, but instead of going to the farm, she just blogs about it and sells Avon products on Facebook.

Jughead (changed his name to Halbă, because Cap-de-Ulcior is a character Creangă would have inserted in one of his fairy tales) goes to every single Alternosfera concert and has Coma lyrics tattooed on his chest and lost his dad in Vama Veche in 2005. He still goes there every summer to find him, but ends up at an Alternosfera concert and drinking beers until he wakes up naked on the beach. So we can say that his search is going nowhere.

Veronica’s dad is probably Cristi Borcea and her mom went from owning gogoșerii to being a cashier in a gogoșerie, which also gives her more time to go to all the monasteries from Northern Moldova and Bucovina. Vero (not Ronnie ugh) was named after that Veronica (the one from the movie, not Micle) buys clothes only from Zara and has a collection of bland white Gucci T-shirts, which she bought for only 200 lei from some dude stealing clothes from Italy and selling them on OLX. She is the living meme of Liceul Central Râureni.

Archie Andrews (here Arsenie Andreiuș, because Archibald has no Romanian version and because the name I wanted, Eusebiu, does not allow the assonance to occur) is BFFs with Dorian Popa and he once appeared in one of his videos, playing football (as soccer football). He tried to get an autograph from Hagi once, but accidentally bumped into Gigi Becali’s bodyguard and ended up in a fight and went to prison. In prison, he met Vero’s dad.

Josie is that only African-Romanian girl in the entire town, whom everyone knows despite not actually knowing her. Her dad was a med student and her mom used to do his assignments, but fell in love when they tried to save a pot of sarmale from the rats and cockroaches living in their college dorm. Josie could be a great singer, but Andra was jealous of her and so she sabotaged her The Voice performance in order to get her kicked out of the contest. She also tried X Factor, but the other band members, Valerie and Melody, suddenly disappeared and no one knows where they’ve gone. Now she appears in the videos of various shitty YT stars.

Reggie is that guy who keeps sending every girl DMs and sharing Send Nudes memes.

The Serpents are just actual snakes we all have in our backyards.

The high school has its toilets somewhere outside.

The Farm is just a group of people who presumably keep the local bears under control. People don’t know that they actually train the bears to go into everyone’s yards and steal chicken and food in general. A bear once stole a car and was interviewed by Măruță.

@snakekingtm this is for you, y’bădițel

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About as serious as putting you in a bikini.

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“You, mon petit amour, are officially on bed rest.”

Bonus: