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Courage check

I think often, for me in particular, holding back or waiting on a text, or otherwise not saying what I want to say is a symptom of my cowardice. But today it's not. It's not courage either, but texting him again this morning isn't going to expand my life in any way. Expanding my life will be asking him to start calling me after work and then seeing and responding to what happens - either he does it or doesn't and I react accordingly. Or maybe he doesn't even return my call tonight! That is a condition I can respond to as well. But none of that is dependent on me bidding for his attention this morning. And I don't want to. So I won't. If I don't want to and it won't expand my life, I won't.

Update: courage check failed. We called, chatted about work, he didn't respond to anything I said or ask questions. I didn't bring up him calling me more often. I have to try again later. I think maybe I have to try again..... maybe when we next see each other before he goes to Mexico. Maybe that will feel like a natural enough time to say something. Less brave than I could be, but something is better than nothing.

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I hate the way I feel when I don't hear from you. And then I hate the way I feel when I finally do.

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I'm making this a new post because it isn't really part of the previous drama even though it kind of is.

I've known all day that you are not coming over. And I know now that you're not going to feel energized enough after your shower to come over. You are not ready to say it, I guess, but I know what's going to happen.

Update: I was right. I'll at least acknowledge my own minor acts of bravery: shooting my shot before you said no, then being honest about how I felt when you asked if I was mad. Too bad they didn't get me anywhere.

I'm feeling less sad and stressed about these things but it's because I'm disconnecting from you, not because I'm feeling confident in us. I'm not saying that I couldn't reconnect with you easily but that's where I'm at right now. Just a bit of numbness.

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My heart hurts. I don't know how much longer I can do this. I don't know whether I'm even valid in my concerns. But my heart hurts and I feel like I like you more than you like me and that's just how it always goes.

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4 more days (maybe. I haven't asked yet.) Idk what will happen in 4 days or which way that convo will go. I feel like most likely it's not going to "resolve"... I feel like I'm going to say my piece and see if anything changes. Which could mean I'll keep feeling bad or confused. But hopefully it'll be a step toward feeling better. In 4 days.

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2 more days. Or who knows when. At this point I don't even trust that I'll see him tomorrow as planned.

This one felt so promising. But I feel in my gut that it's over.

Tonight is my first night going to sleep without hearing from him.

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Update. I heard from him that one night. He had an epically bad day at work.

The next night he did come over as planned, but like 2 hours late. I had to call him. Maybe he would have called me if I'd waited a minute longer but it was 10:30 and he said he'd be off at 9/9:30ish.

Also, he canceled yesterday. That's 4 times in about a month. Not including him not coming to my band concert.

It's just not looking good.

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I kind of hope you don't call.

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New rules for myself. For the time being.

1. Text good morning and goodnight and maybe one conversation "starter" midday. Otherwise follow his lead. No night time phone calls.

2. See if he initiates any plans over the weekend.

3. If he doesn't, wait until..... idk. Next Friday 5/9.

4. At that point a breakup conversation is in order. Getting in a fight then not initiating plans for two weeks is not the behavior of someone who wants to be together.

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I think my boyfriend would have helped me out yesterday. I've written and erased some more sentences from this post bc I think this is really all I have to say. I think if you were my boyfriend, you would have come over.

Also. If you say "need help?" and don't mean it, then I have no reason to think you mean it when you casually mention me having a key to your apartment. Or when you talk about the future. And I mean you probably didn't mean those things so it's not like this is some kind of statement to anyone but me.

I'm going to make a list of things that will be good about breaking up.

1. No waiting on or analyzing texts

2. I don't have to cry about you

3. No more fears of who to tell and when

4. More time with cats and friends

5. A reprieve from wondering if I'm doing the wrong things or if I want too much or if I only wanted you because you wanted me

6. A reprieve from the feeling that I'm just warming your bed and that I could be anyone

7. A reprieve from having to face or give into fears around speaking my mind and standing up for myself

8. I can get out of this thought spiral that is sucking up this whole week

9. Probably more things but I'll stop.

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Just like last time I'm just going to start adding to this post for the time being.

4 more days of me hurting before I can... at least address it in some way. I want to say get some clarity but I just have this feeling that you're going to say it's not time to make things official yet but that we shouldn't break up. Or like, I'm going to ask you where you see things going in a way that doesn't force you to commit one way or the other, you'll say things are going well and you're happy, and I'll just be like um okay and leave it at that.

The shitty part is that it's reasonable if you need more time. And I wouldn't want to call it off if just waiting a few more weeks would be all you needed. But also I feel like shit. I need to bring up your dry texts and you letting me down the other day, but I feel like that's going to push you farther away. I guess I just have to be okay with that.

I wish you were still at the hotel, or that you had a car, because I would really like to have this conversation in a setting where I could just leave right after and not have to offer you a ride home or like, kick you out to go wait for an uber. I mean I know that is not the end of the world to do. But I wish I could just have that bit of comfort.

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1. Call and ask if we can go out for coffee and initiate convo there. -> phone went straight to vm.

2. Call again after Zebby and I do FFD. At that point it'll be too late to use coffee as a pretense but I have to try anyway.

3. Call tomorrow morning at 10:30. I guess at that point the main purpose of this phone call is to see if I'm being ghosted. If he picks up, I'm not going to want to have the convo on my open hour at work, so I guess I'll just tell him there's something I want to talk to him about and I'd like to call after he's off work. If he doesn't pick up, proceed to step 4.

4. Call on Friday afternoon. If he picks up, go to him to have the convo. If he doesn't, send a text ending things then block and delete on all platforms.

Even all these steps are way too much but I guess this is my compromise for my soft, sad, shitty little heart.

I don't want him to ghost me. I know that'll create trauma in me that will fuck me up forever. But on some level it would be OK. Because I really don't need an explanation from him. I just need an answer. And ghosting is an answer.

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Update: a short call last night, a text this morning, and nothing since. I feel more numb but still like shit. 2 more days I guess.

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I'm lying about my feelings again. I'm saying it's okay when it's not again.

I have a bad feeling and it's twofold.

I feel like you're not going to say yes when I ask you about defining the relationship.

I feel like I'm just going to take that when you do say no. Just like ok, whatever you want, let's just keep doing this until you decide. No I'm fine with it, I just want to be with you.

Well, I do just want to be with you, and that's the whole problem.

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When explaining this to Molly, I told her that it was like death by a thousand cuts. Every time someone I meet doesn't want to see me again or ignores me or switches energy on me or something, it stings in the moment but I move on quickly because there was no investment. The real pain is not losing them, but losing the fantasy that maybe this is my person and I just don't know it yet. Because I won't know it right away. So everyone I meet could be him, until they're not. So it stings, then it doesn't sting anymore, and I move on with my life.

But apparently the cuts are still there. I'm still marked by all these people. I have little to no faith in men. They say the "right things" and my faith doesn't grow, only my fear of how much this next cut is going to hurt. What if I'm too hurt? What if no one wants my ugliness?

I don't even think this is an abnormal level of "baggage" for someone who is single in their 30s. But I'm scared.

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I just almost accepted some bullshit. Actually I kind of did. He called me back - which was good honestly - and that forced me to say some true things that I otherwise would have shoved down.

But I'm stuck on "I'm not your past relationships." No.... you aren't....... but the more I think about that response, the more I feel like it lacks empathy for my situation. No, you're not my past relationships, but I also don't know you deeply yet. You're asking me to trust that you won't be like that, but trust requires time and consistency to build.

You could have said "I'm not going to treat you like those guys did. I'm sorry we couldn't meet up today and I can't wait to see you tomorrow" or just something that blamed me a little less.

But then it's like.... how do I bring this up without blowing it up? Because the reality is that it's not a big deal but it is a big deal at the same time. In my dreams, I bring it up anyway, crying all the while, and you reassure me that you hear what I'm saying, that you know I'm not actually stressing over a random day that didn't go right, but I'm trying to communicate with you about patterns of thinking I'm prone to due to my past and patterns of communication you can use to help me feel reassured. But I think in reality you will just feel harangued.

So what is the right thing to do? I don't know. But I think at least telling you about my past, even if I choose not to address this specific issue any further, is more right than saying nothing.

Also one more random thought. I'm 100% anxiously attached. There is no doubt about that. But my one avoidant quality is always reassuring myself that if the worst happens, well, at least I won't have to worry about whether I'm doing things right or not. And no matter what happens, my cats will still always want to sit with me and snuggle me. They don't know I'm fearful and anxious. They don't know any of my bad qualities. I'm just mommy and I feed them and pet them and play with them and they just love me and I love them and it's not complicated.

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If this is over, then I'll be happy not to have told Zebby about it. I know I won't even have to talk to Molly about it if I don't want to; she won't push me about it. And if this is over, I can feel peace in my mind and body again.

If it's not, we can talk this weekend about where this is going. It's been a month; it's very fair to have that conversation. I can talk about my feelings and maybe that will help.

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I feel sick with anxiety. I feel like I'm in limbo and I hate it.

"I overthink your punctuation use"

No emojis!!! But I don't think he's ever used an emoji. No exclamation points - did he greet me with exclamation points yesterday? No, but sometimes he does. He said "goodnight bonita!!!" last night. He called me bonita today. But is he just saying that? Does that mean anything to him? He's been saying that since we met. And men lie. And men sweet talk you for no reason. But he hasn't let me down yet. But men are kind until they aren't.............................................

Over and over and over and over again.

I'm tired. I have a canker sore. I want to either be your girlfriend or break up. I don't want to surprise Zebby with a boyfriend, I want to tell her before it gets to that point, but whenever I try, it's like my throat is closing to keep that information inside. I think, okay maybe today I will tell her, but then you say "you too" and I spiral because I think that means you've gotten tired of me.

Are you thinking of me when we're not together? Does anyone in your life know about me? Do you want to see me again? Are you lying when you say you do? Will you tell me when your next day off is and ask me to come over?

I'm sick. I'm sick. I'm sick.

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One down, one to go.

Reminder to myself that NEITHER of these things are going anywhere. Neither. There's just no point in getting upset about the vibe changing or the texts slowing and there is really no point in comforting myself about not hearing from one because I have the other. I don't have either of them. I only have myself.

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Reminder to myself that NEITHER of these things are going anywhere. Neither. There's just no point in getting upset about the vibe changing or the texts slowing and there is really no point in comforting myself about not hearing from one because I have the other. I don't have either of them. I only have myself.

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Stop telling me I'm a good kisser and stop telling me I'm pretty. I think you're telling the truth but I just don't want to hear it 15 times a day. I'm sad because I just don't think this is how I'm supposed to be feeling. I don't see how this feeling turns into what I'm supposed to be feeling. I don't know what to do.

I want to keep writing about this in the hope of venting away the sadness I'm feeling but I don't know what else there is to say. Everything I've written for 10 years has just boiled down to, where are you? I need you right now. Please come find me, I really need you. Please. Please.

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A little memory -

I was buying you a birthday present. I knew we would be breaking up any day now. I had already chosen to let our anniversary pass unacknowledged. There was no need for me to get you anything. You probably wouldn't even have noticed if I hadn't. But I still loved you and I guess I needed to. My compromise to myself was that I wouldn't wrap it and I wouldn't try to make a special occasion about it. I just handed it to you in the car on our way to your house.

The sad part about remembering these things is not thinking of you anymore. It's just sad for me to look at my past self and think about how the only way she could respond to being neglected emotionally was to still get you a present, but just not wrap it. As if you could have given less of a fuck.

I gave too much of myself in the dying days of that relationship. Even when I wasn't giving you anything, denying my own needs was still a form of giving to you. I was giving you the peace and comfort that I needed for myself. I kept sitting at that table, where love was no longer being served, until I forced you to pull the table out from underneath my empty plate.

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Detail from The Flight into Egypt Adam Elsheimer (German, 1578-1610) 1609

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Hey so this happened over 10 years ago but I'm going to talk to myself about it anyway. Remember when you said "you're the girl of my dreams, so why don't I love you?" yeah that was fucked up and you should not have said it. If anyone else ever says something like that to me again, that will be the last time they ever see me. It's okay to think it. You can't control who you love. And by all means, talk to your friends or family about it. It's complicated and helping to unravel feelings like that is what a support system is for. But don't say it to the person you don't love.

Sometimes I replay that memory in my head but imagine how I wish it had gone. I wish I had jumped straight out of bed. I wish I had asked you why the fuck did you just say that to me. Maybe I could have left for the night. Definitely we should have broken up as a direct consequence of that statement.

Instead, I just laid there silently. I think I might have said "um.... I don't know." I think I'm still like that actually. I've made a little progress in that when men say shit to me I break up with them in my mind the way I didn't with you, but I'm still so conflict averse that I don't say anything in the moment. So it's hard to remember this. I could have at least cried, but I didn't. I just did absolutely nothing and tried to keep my feelings as small and invisible as possible.

I wonder if you ever felt bad about this, or even thought twice about it. I assume you felt generally bad at the time about the breakup overall, but that's not what you should have felt bad about. Even at the time you needn't have. But I wonder if you ever felt bad about this, or if you even remember it.

It doesn't matter if you do or don't. But I remember it. I doubt I'll ever forget it.

You didn't have to say it. You could've just not.

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I'm thinking about all of the men I've kissed who I didn't care about. No regrets but it's just sad. I didn't know them, I didn't trust them. I didn't feel seen or understood by them. I didn't feel like they wanted to know me. I just put my lips on theirs and now I don't remember their names.

I miss kissing out of affection for someone. I miss feeling anything.

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